Friday, July 11, 2008

Names For The New Oklahoma City NBA Team

Ok, so the Sonics are dead. The name and history of that franchise will remain in Seattle, and the basketball players, GM, ownership, etc, will head to Oklahoma City. I can't for the life of me fathom how this move makes sense, but I guess in the end, it really came down to the fact that the lease on the arena in Seattle was so bad, they had to move the team to Oklahoma City.

I have never been to Oklahoma City. I don't know much about it. But I gotta think straights were dire when a franchise decides to move from Seattle, a totally awesome city, to Oklahoma City. Just by allowing the team to move, the NBA has made it so that everyone who wishes to speak of that team has to double the amount of syllables the say. Seattle. 3 syllables. Oklahoma City. 6 syllables. Judas Priest. (Hey, if a team can thrive in Salt Lake City it can thrive anywhere, right?)

Well, I guess there's no use complaining about it, so instead, let's help the new team come up with a name that will fit them, shall we? When naming a team, there are many routes you can go. First off are the animal names. The NFL and MLB got most of the good animal names (Bears, Tigers, Lions,etc) and left the NBA with Hawks, Bobcats, Grizzlies, Bucks, Timberwolves, Hornets and Raptors. Frankly, I wouldn't know the difference between a Timberwolf and a regular wolf if one came up and bit my hand off. I guess all that's left are some lower-rung animals.

Oklahoma City Sea Turtles: This would really help give the fans in OKC a feeling of longevity and steadiness. The sea turtle lives to be about 80. That's almost twice as long as the Sonics lasted in Seattle. Booya! I mean, look at the picture of this guy. He looks ornery as hell. Would you want to mess with him?

Oklahoma City Sloths: No, not one of the seven deadly sins, if I were going that rout I would have chosen Lust or Greed for the team name, but as in the Three-Toed Sloth. They could use this as reverse psychology. Teams would think, "oh, we're playing the Sloths," and then they would subconsciously take it easy on their opponents. But the Sloths wouldn't be slow and lethargic like their namesake-they would be fast and athletic like NBA basketball stars. (this name would also have a tie in with their best player. See, Sloths have half the muscle tissue of other mammals of a similar weight, just like Kevin Durant. See the connection?)
Ok. So an animal name might not work out. How about going the corporate route? Teams sell the naming rights for stadiums all the time. Why not be the first to actually name your team after a corporation?

The Oklahoma City Six Dollar Burgers, Brought to You By Carl's Junior: Why not? The Six Dollar Burgers are delicious, and this not so subtle reminder would have fans heading over to Carl's right after the game. I mean, you watch the Six Dollar Burgers beat the Spurs, and during the whole game the ads on the Jumbotron, brought to you by Carl's Junior, show you ad after ad of juicy beef. Are you heading to Wendy's after? Hell no, you aren't. You're going to Carl's Junior.
No corporation name for you? Ok. How about a geographical name like the Minnesota Lakers? Or for something famous from the city like the New Orleans Jazz? Or a name that has something to do with a fact about the city, like the Washington Bullets because DC is one of the murder capitols of the world?

Oklahoma City Nothing Interesting Geographically About Us
Oklahoma City Nothing Famous Comes From Us
Oklahoma City Second Largest City in Compliance With The Clean Air Act

Hey, I like the Clean Air Act. It keeps my food tasting like food in a restaurant, and keeps me from getting high at a Doobie Brothers concert.

None of those do anything for you? Well, I guess we'll get stuck with something boring and mainstream, like Outlaws or Cowboys or something. If they do go with Outlaws, which is all the speculation, at least they should just put a gun on their jerseys. That would be sweet. I sent these suggestions to Clay Bennett, the owner of the former Sonics, and he said that these weren't good names. Whatever, Clay Bennett. Have fun being the Outlaws.


Taylor said...

If they go with Outlaws, they should have a holster with six shooters on their shorts. Rednecks everywhere would go ballistic.

And One said...

I'm voting for Oklahoma Sparkling Urban Jewels.

Cheeth said...

I think they should be the Oklahoma Meats of the Cloven Hoof, emphasizing America's fine non-kosher meat industry.