Sunday, July 13, 2008

NBA's Prettiest

As we learned last week, the NBA has some mutt-faced looking dudes in it. The picture of Sam Cassell juxtaposed with that of Gollum was a work of pure genius. Even Sam's mother thinks he's ugly. That being said, my brother Jim pointed out that it would only be fair to mention the more beautiful side of the League, and so he submitted this piece to me.

Now, I would like to preface this list with a thought: Any man can look at an NBA player and say to himself, “Wow, that is an ugly guy right there.” That thought can even be discussed with other men without fear of scorn or ridicule. Comments like, “Yeah, you’re right they should have used Chris Kaman for those Geico Caveman ads,” or, “Scot Pollard does look like that Claymation figurine of the Cyclops from Clash of the Titans,” are perfectly acceptable around the water cooler or between games of pick-up basketball. But tell somebody that Wally Szczerbiak has a great set of eyebrows, and watch that same somebody look at you with a confused gaze and walk away uncomfortably. It takes a man’s man to come up with a list like this and we here at the Jock Strap are certainly secure enough in ourselves to tackle this subject. We;re not afraid to make you, or ourselves uncomfortable. In fact, at times we strive to do so. Without further ado, The NBA's Prettiest:

Active Pretty-Boys:

Derek Fisher PG LA Lakers
Derek looks like a little fella running around on the court, but that’s just because he’s surrounded by giants. He’s 6-1 210 pounds and would give Hulk Hogan a run for his money for the title of Biggest Pythons. Look at the guns on this guy!
If it weren’t for the fact that he used his kid’s cancer to get out of his contract with the Jazz, I would have said that he was not only good looking, but seemed to be an all around good guy, too. Underhanded treachery aside though, he is pretty. So pretty.

Cory Maggette SF Golden State Warriors
Maggette is so pretty he knows he’s pretty. You could tell from the moment this guy put on a Duke uniform that he thought he was God’s gift to the Earth. I guess at 6-6 225 lbs of stone- chiseled manliness and ups like nobody’s business, he can afford to have a high opinion of himself. My wife said he has good lips, but I’m not sure I want to delve that far into this. Suffice it to say, Maggette is pretty, and in my opinion would only have raised his level of sexiness to unreachable heights had he been a man instead of a money monger and donned the green and white of Celtic tradition. Oh well, have fun getting your pretty ass kicked in California, Corey.

Wally Szczerbiak SF Cleveland Cavaliers
It turns out the afore mentioned Szczerbiak is more than just a pair of well-groomed eyebrows and dreamy, penetrating eyes. Look at this picture for crying out loud! It’s incredible! Who knew, right? Apparently Wally has been hitting the BowFlex. In my opinion this guy should contact the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Addition body-painting department and have those dudes airbrush his Cavaliers uniform right onto his abs. In fact, he should have those guys paint all of his clothes on. He should show up for the team’s charter with a suit and tie sprayed right onto his skin.
All I know is that if I looked like this guy I’d go swimming a lot. His last name is a spell-checking nightmare, but if Wally Szczerbiak is spelled wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

Shane Battier SF Houston Rockets
If Shane Battier doesn’t show up on a list of pretty-boys then there is something wrong with that list. Look at the gleaming white teeth poking out of that schoolboy smile. And you've seen him with his head shaved. His head looks like a Shar Pei, all wrinkly and soft. Add to that the dimples, the suit, the charisma, and his love of defense and you have the total package . Shane has a degree from Duke University, an outgoing personality, and is a career 39% three point shooter. Is he perfect? Of course not. His ears might be a bit on the large side, but that’s something I’m willing to over look if he’s willing to take the charge after my guy blows by me on the perimeter. Shane Battier, you’re all right in my book.

Al Horford C Atlanta Hawks
He came bounding into the league so cocksure, so brash. But why not? At 6-10 245 pounds, who is brave enough to tell him otherwise? Horford rubbed me the wrong way with his chest pounding antics during the first round of the Eastern Conference Playoffs this year, but his jump hook and tenacious rebounding rubbed me right. Ridiculous rookie antics aside, there is no denying his pretty-boy looks. The fact that he was born in the Dominican Republic only adds to his sex appeal. I don’t understand Spanish but I know that it sounds sexier than English and this guy can flow in both languages. Watch out ladies ‘cause this Gator will chomp out your heart.

The Semi-Active List:
Dwyane Wade SG Miami Heat
Dwyane is so pretty that his mug can sell Gatorade and cell phones to the masses. Unfortunately for Miami Heat fans his pretty face and his beautiful game have not been on the court for a complete season since he came into the league. He played just 51 games in each of the last two seasons and that ain’t pretty.
His commercial spots with Charles Barkley are adorable due in large part to his charisma and photogenic features. Here’s hoping he can fall down five times and get back up six (which technically is impossible and undeniably a lame commercial) and enjoy an injury-free season next year. Dwayne, you can be in my Fave 5 anytime.
Alonzo Mourning C (Free Agent)
For hell’s sake the man is an Adonis. If I were one of those aliens from Invasion of the Body Snatchers the first place I would visit would be Alonzo’s house in South Beach. I’d take him no matter how many kidneys he has.
I think his knee gave out on him last year because his legs were jealous of his arms getting all the attention.
In the immortal words of former Houston Rocket’s Color Commentator Calvin Murphy, “Just look at his body. I mean he’s got a hell of a body. Just look at it. Now, that’s a great, great body.”
I don’t remember if Calvin was talking about Alonzo at the time he made this statement, but if he wasn’t, he should have been. Because my goodness, just look at that body!

Grant Hill SF Phoenix Suns
Unfortunately for Grant Hill he does have a set of ears on him that almost made me leave him off my list, but look at how sharp he looks in that crème colored suit. Also unfortunately, this is the way you will see him most of the time if he is on your squad; that is, dressed in a killer suit on the IR two rows behind the bench.
To say the dude is a little fragile is to say that Kevin Garnett is a little intense. He makes my list because he has had plenty of opportunity (almost 350 games lost due to injury) to collect what I am sure is the league’s nicest wardrobe.
To this day, if I am at a local gymnasium and someone goes up for a dunk and hits the rim, I yell "Grant Hill drinks Sprite." Thank you for that, Grant Hill.

Retired Heartthrob

Karl “The Mailman” Malone PF Utah Jazz/LA Lakers (sadly)
Has there ever been a sexier NBA player than Karl Malone? I think not. He had the muscles, the game, the poster of himself wearing a buckskin vest with a faux wool liner, and a pair of skintight blue jeans tucked into his cowboy boots all while leaning shirtless against a monster truck. His choice of shoe was not Nike, Adidas, or Reebok, but L.A. Gear and he wore them unabashedly. Sure his dunks were lame and he had bad grammar. We all know that he practically invented athletes speaking of themselves in the third person, and for that he should be thanked. He rocked the short shorts way longer than anyone but his teammate John Stockton, and wore two oversized quarterback’s wristbands for his entire career. His draft day suit is second to none. Look it up. That skinny knit tie is the best. But here’s the real reason I love Karl Malone, “because when Karl want to, he can be as pretty as he want to out ‘dere.” The End.

Honorable mention: Tyson Chandler C New Orleans Hornets
Dishonorable mention: J.J. Redick SG Orlando Magic (because he’s a douche)

So that’s it. These are the pretty-boys of the NBA. My list may be incomplete, but there are few who can dispute my selections. If you have a problem with any of them just think about the last time you saw these players in action. The sweat glistening off their muscular bodies, the tension in their long lean sinews as they leapt toward the basket…
On second thought, I am ashamed of myself and need to go take a shower.
I feel dirty.


Rob said...

Wow, gutsy post. Took way more cojones than Taylor's "ugliest" post. I applaud you for your bravery and confidence in your sexuality.

Good call on Derek Fisher. He is ridiculously ripped. You'd never suspect it.

Taylor said...

Hey rob, take it easy. I even stated in a previous post that I'd make out with KG. I ain't scared...

Jim/Boyd - Kyle Korver, anyone? All the ladies seem to love him. I had no idea Wally had abs like that. My boy Horse always told me that Wally was the best looking guy in the league. I'll give him some credence now.

Anonymous said...

"If you ever shave down there, don't use a rusty blade."

- Gilbert Arenas

Anonymous said...

C'mon, no love for Tony Parker? Love or hate the French, you gotta admit he's a smooth dude. And for retired heartthrob, you gotta at least give The Admiral (D. Robinson for the completely uninitiated) an honorable mention. The guy was built like a freakin' cartoon character, lol.

All in all, though, good read. Nice to see the "pretty boys" get some love--it's WAY too easy just to bash the many uglies in the league (even if it is fun!).

Anonymous said...

Chris Paul?
Kevin Martin? homo...