Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ron Artest-Crazy As Hell

So, Ron Artests' crazy ass is now headed for Houston, apparantly. Houston fans should rejoice. They went from having one of the most boring teams in the league to being instantly watchable and entertaining. The best part is that it has absolutely nothing to do with what Artest will do to improve the Rockets on the floor.

Sure, the Rockets will feature two potential ALL-NBA defenders in Shane "Shar pei Head" Battier and Artest. Sure, they will have 4 legitimate scorers in Artest, Yao, Lazy Eye McGrady and to a lesser extent Rafer Alston. Sure, Luis Scola will be an instant contender for sixth man of the year, and the addition of Brent Barry adds depth to the bench that simply wasn't there last season. And getting rid of Bobby Jackson is always addition by subraction, as people forget that old Bobby is not actually good at basketball any more.

None of this, however, matters. The Rockets will be one of the most entertaining teams in the league for the same reason that I actually watched like 6 quarters of Kings' games last year: Crazy Ass Ron Artest. You think I watched to see what rookie Spencer Hawes could do? Or to see marijuana lover Brad Miller execute some gay bounce pass? No. I watched to see if Artest was going to hit someone, spit on someone, play the maddest man to man D alive, hit himself with his own fist in the head, etc. You just never know what your gonna get from Ron.

A quick list of some of Ron's greatest hits:

1. As a Rookie, he applied to get a job at Circuit City just to get the employee discount. That's shrewd buisness savy, in my book.
2. He once attended practice in a bath robe.
3. He tried to get a month off because he was "tired" from promoting some chick R&B band on his "record label."
4. Destroyed a television camera at Madison Square Garden.
5. Got in a fight with Pat Riley. (honestly, who hasn't wanted to do that?)
6. Was on the cover of Penthouse Magazine. (Seriously, you couldn't even score Hustler Ron?)
7. Tried to kill his dogs by not feeding them.
8. Beat his wife.
9. Put out an album called "My World." It sold barely more than my debut album, which I haven't recorded or put out yet.

Am I forgetting something? Oh, yeah.

10. Was part of the biggest brawl in NBA history, going into the stands to attack fans. (Also, who decided putting Stephen Jackson and Ron Artest on the same team was a good idea? Larry Bird or Donnie Walsh? I mean come on, the odds of one of them not beating up a fan were much lower than teaming them up and avoiding disaster.)

I may be crazy, but I didn't think that brawl was all that bad for basketball. Attendance in Detroit hasn't suffered one bit, and really, fighting is good for any sport. Ask NASCAR. My friend Derek claims that he follows it in the papers to see, a la the WWE, who is brawling that week. Watching those bitches in the WNBA brawl it out last week was officially the first time since, well, since the inception of the WNBA that something interesting actually happened. You show that Lesa Leslie, Rick Mahorn!

I look forward to watching Ron this year, as always, and hope that his insanity doesn't abate. My prediction: A mid-season Kung Fu showdown with Yao Ming results in season ending surgery for Yao. Let the games begin.


Rich said...

Kung Fu show down...brilliant!