Thursday, September 25, 2008

Advice For Favre

Anyone who has followed this blog with any sort of frequency knows I am not a big fan of new Jets QB Brett Favre. I don’t like Favre for many, many reasons. First of all, he says his last name Farve and spells it Favre. I don’t like that and it seems French. The only French things I like are French Fries. Oh, and French Bread. And French Pastries. Okay, I surrender I guess I love France. But no matter. Favre quarterbacked my least favorite NFL team, The Packers, for about 26 years. That's not good. Also, I don’t like that Favre pimps Wrangler jeans. You ever worn Wranglers? Of course you have, Bumpkin. You probably still wear Jean Shorts and homemade muscle shirts with your Oakley sunglasses. But most of all, I hate Off-Season Brett Favre. You know, the one who can’t decide what he wants to do. Do I retire? Do I not retire? Blah, blah, blah.

Brett has officially hung on for too long. But he isn’t the only one. Lots of people and things stay past their primes. Favre has been a great player on the field for most of his career, so I want to extend the reconciliatory olive branch in the beak of a dove to Brett and offer him some advice for his future. No doubt at the end of this season Favre is going to hem and haw and hold the national media and all 14 Jets fans hostage with his classic should I/shouldn’t I retire shtick. I offer him these examples from pop culture and hope he can learn the lessons they teach us about hanging on when we should just go away.

No show has hung on by a thread quite like ER has. This thing should have been cancelled literally 10 years ago. At first, like Favre, ER was a big hit, with good writing, good acting, and it made for some compelling TV. But then, things just started getting ridiculous. Just like Favre had that ridiculous season when he threw about 72 interceptions, ER turned to gimmickry to keep people watching. I knew I could never watch another episode when I turned on ER only to see a tank bearing down on the hospital. Then there were some helicopter accidents and they brought on Uncle Jessie from Full House and who knows what. Go away, ER. Go away, Favre. (That almost rhymes.)

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)-Meat Loaf
We get it, Meat Loaf. You would do anything for love, but you won’t do that. Even the title of this song is too damn long. Meat Loaf took a potentially good 3, maybe 4-minute song and stretched it out to almost 12 minutes. It’s pretty obvious the that Meat Loaf is talking about is taking it up the back door, but come on, Loaf, just say it. No need for ambiguity. Most men and like 75% of women wouldn’t do that, anyway. That being said, I have to admit I love this song. It’s just so epic. It keeps going and going, but there is payoff in the end. I guess if Favre can win the Super Bowl with the Jets in the next 6 years he plays, then it would make it all worth the anguish he puts us through every summer, but the chances of that aren’t high.

The Old Testament
Don't tell me that the Old Testament isn't pop culture. It's still popular and it's still part of our culture. Anyway, I don’t want to get all sacrilegious, but did we really need 1st and 2nd Kings and 1st and 2nd Chronicles? All 4 books say the same thing. Someone begat someone who begat someone, we get the point. There was a lot of begetting going on. You could have cut it down by about 300 pages and we still would have gotten the point. And just like you want to get through both Kings and Chronicles and get to Isaiah, people want to get to the new generation of NFL QB’s, Brett. You could have retired 5 years ago and still made the Hall of Fame, easy. P.S. I’m probably going to hell.

The Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King
How many endings did this movie have? About 4 too many is how many. Now I’m not a big Lord of the Rings nerd anyway, but I went and plopped down my 8 bucks to see this movie, wanting to see if little Frodo and his man-lover Sam could kill the ring or whatever their little nerd quest was, but by the 3rd ending I actually started booing in the movie theater, which surprisingly got laughs from the people around me. I thought there was a good chance I’d get shushed or at least dirty looks, but people were laughing and nodding in approval. Strange. This movie would have been good if it were an hour shorter. As an aside, I thought Sam Cassell did a great job as Gollum in this movie, he should act more often. Favre, you aren’t quite at this stage yet, but one more off-season like last and you’ll jump ahead of this movie for false endings, so beware.

There you have it Brett. Learn from you Pop Culture Predecessors. Let this be your swan song. Don’t be an ER. Don’t make me hire someone to go to your home and do that to you.


Justin said...

Goddamn, that was funny.

Anonymous said...

Boyd, you are sick and wrong. The very idea of you, Farve (yes, that's how I spell it), and "that" gives me the dry heaves. Sick, sick, sick.

Anonymous said...

Really? You think, like, 25% of women are okay with "that?" The estimate just seems a little high to me.

Regardless, Brett needs to hang it up. And by "it" I mean his career. Perv.

Boyd said...

Me and Farve doing that? Gross. I specifically said I would hire someone to do it.

Che said...

Beautiful column Boyd! And you know I couldn't agree more about that queer ol' Lord of the Rings. My favorite part was in your lessons from ER when you noted how ER and Farve almost rhyme. I thought that was great! (Wait a minute . . . rhyme/great . . . THAT almost rhymes!)