Monday, September 8, 2008

Air Instruments

We've all been driving in the car when a song comes on that makes you tap your toes, or your fingers on the steering wheel. You may start singing along, or drop a wicked harmony that you think the band should have thought of. You might rap of tricks and ho's with Dr. Dre or bang your head with Metallica. I think this is a common occurence for most people.

As you're tap tapping along, you feel the music swelling inside of you, building, growing. Suddenly your whole body is reacting to the music, and then boom, GUITAR SOLO! The next thing you know, you have taken both hands off the wheel and you are doing your best Eddie Van Halen impersonation, complete with guitar face. (see photo) If you actually play the guitar, you may even be doing some two hand tapping, which is lame and totally awesome at the same time.

Don't feel bad. This explosion is a normal side effect of rock music, and should be enjoyed.

But sometimes, every so often, you may find yourself feeling the urge to step away from Air Guitar, and that is where you tread into trecherous waters. You may find yourself starting to play Air Keys, Air Drums, or (gasp) Air Bass. Be cautious, as this leads to unholy places, kind of like looking at The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition leads to renting rated R movies in the hopes that there may be some nudity, which in turns leads to seeing some things you just shouldn't see over the internet, and can't be mentioned on this blog. To help you avoid that unsavory fall from grace, here is my guide to playing Air Insturments.


Air Guitar: You can't go wrong with this one, and I think most people under the age of 80 have rocked the Air Guitar at least once. I rock it daily. Improve your technique, and you even have a chance at becoming an Air Guitar champion. That's it. Air Guitar is the only always accpetable air instrument in the world. It's a scientific fact.

USUALLY ACCEPTABLE: These should only be played by self, or with the closest of friends or family members. Cousins are not included. Don't play these around cousins, I warn you.

Air Drums: These are about as close to always acceptable as it gets, but they fall just short because it's really lame to play air drums on slow songs, whereas it's still cool to play Air Guitar on slowies. In fact, it's pretty much the best to play Air Guitar to 80's power ballads, due to the obligatory epic guitar solos you can really air jam to.

Air Keys: These are pretty fun to play, and around close friends you will certainly have a good time. Especially fun are Air Clavinet and Air Organ. Listen to funk music or the Doors if you want to rock some good Air Keys. Where you definitely want to avoid Air Keys is on Piano Ballads. Air Keys to Brian McKnight is not a good idea.

Air Bass: This is of course the lesser brother of Air Guitar, and is pretty cool to do, I guess, but it's equally less cool to play Air Bass than Air Guitar as it is to play real Bass to real Guitar. Judge accordingly and use in solitude only.

USUALLY UNACCEPTABLE: You have to be really, really cool to get away with these, even among friends. For example, I can get away with most of these, but T-Bone cannot. That should explain who can and cannot get away with playing these.

Air Horns: I like horns. Hell, I even like the band Wings. But unless you are really hip, you should stay away from Air Horns. You're just going to look like a tool, and unless you have cool points stored up, like I do, then people are going to think a lot less of you as a person.

Air Percussion (Non Drums): Try rocking the Air Bongo next time a song comes on. Or better yet, try the Air Tambourine. Now feel ashamed. You just went were you shouldn't have gone, even by yourself in your car. It's not even that cool to play the real non-drum percussion instruments, unless they are a secondary instrument and you are proving that anyone with rythym can play these simple instruments.

UNACCEPTABLE: Don't play these. Period. You're just going to look like a jackass and recieve scorn from those who love you, and outright ridicule from others. And you can't handle that, you're very thin skinned.

Air Strings: You didn't. Oh, yes you did. You just played Air Viola. Now get the hell out of my car. You should have known better. Strings have their place, even in rock music, to accentuate the soft and wetness of a power ballad, but that doesn't mean you can get away with playing the Air style. Shame on you.

Air Woodwind: I don't care if Jethro Tull is jamming an Air Flute solo. You don't play along. You sit there and enjoy it, if you must, but be still, or accompany with Air Guitar. How dare you. You're family will probably be disowning you now. Look at this guy playing Air Flute. You think his Dad is in any way proud of him? Of course not, he is utterly ashamed, although he does like that at least his son is wearing a cape.

So rock out in your car and with your friends, but be warned: If Penny Lane comes on the Ipod, playing the Air Piccolo Trumpet solo at the end will only bring you sorrow.


Boyd said...

I never said everything would be about sports. Enjoy. Or Don't.

Rich said...

Counter point to your air percussion argument, non-drums. All I have to say is cowbell....see the following video

Che said...

I enjoy rocking the air Moog.
Stay sweet