Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Facial Hair Pt II

I hate to beat a dead horse to No I don't. T-Bone listed some of the best facial hair in history, so I naturally want to post some of the worst. And here it is, a countdown of the top 10 worst looks in facial hair history:

10. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I know wrestling isn't a sport, but when T-Bone compared my facial hair to that of Logan Mankins, I thought it a travesty. I look nothing like Mankins. His beard if full and delightful. It would take the trimmings from my last 5 beards to equal the beard of Mankins. No, I look way more like Hacksaw, especially if I sported a purple crown and stuck my tongue out to the side. Ho-oh!

9. Brian Skinner: What was this dude thinking? The golden dye at the end of his beard easily make this an all-timer. Skinner was able to boldly go where no man dared to go before when he decided to dip his beard in gold. For many have sported the long chin beard, but few are they who have dared dye it gold. Thank you, Brian Skinner.

8. Larry Bird: Larry's 'stache was almost equally as awful as Larry was good at basketball. Sure, Larry comes from a small town in Indiana where these kind of moustaches are the norm, But Larry is a millionare, and as such, should have shown better judgement than to sport his nearly invisible downy blonde tapestry. Soft and feathery, Larry gave an example to child molesters everywhere on how to grow facial hair.

7. Dustin Hermanson: What in the name of all that is holy and good is going on upon this guy's chin? That thing looks like a steering wheel or bike spokes. Whoever told him to do this deserves to be first praised, and second drawn and quartered. Awesome. The picture can't really do it justice.

6. Dustin McGowan: I thought I'd double up on Dustin fun with Dustins McGowan and Hermanson. These sideburns are historically bad. I mean, don't grow mutton chops unless you have enough facial hair to fill them out, Dusty. These burns are spotty and weak, yet simultaneously wonderful. Dylan and Brandon from 90210 are laughing at you, Dustin.

5. Boone Logan: I don't know who this guy is, except that he is some crappy reliever for the White Sox, but that beard is bad. Really bad. First of all, it just looks like a big box on his face. Secondly, it gets lost in his black shirt. The beard should be celebrated, Boone, not camoflauged. For the art of the beard is not the art of deception, but the art of flamboyant celebration.

4. Goose Gossage: The Goose is about 9,000 years old, and still rocks this 'stache proudly. This is a classic, and apparantly intimidated major league hitters, just proving that major league hitters are pussies. And I don't want to hear any challenges alond the lines of "you dare stand in front of a fastball coming at you at 98 miles per the hour" in some indignant voice. "You probably couldn't even catch a pitch like that." I know. I'm a pussy too.

3. Adolph Hitler: I know it ain't sports, but what a faggoty moustache. This is one of the all-time worst 'staches, worn by one of the all-time worst people. It's kind of sad that Hitler ruined this one, because it would be interesting to see how many people would have rocked this style if not for the head Nazi. If they have the internet in hell, and you Google Search yourself(you know you've done it)and this article comes up,I dedicate a picture of a baby flipping the bird to you, Hitler!

2., 1. Scott Pollard: Scooter actually gets the top 2 spots on this list, and frankly, he could have possibly challenged for all of the top 10 spots alone. Scot has taken the art of beard, moustache and facial hair growing to a place where some doubted it could be taken. Here is a sampling of some of his greatest hits. Especially note the one where he looks like Bald Bull from Mike Tyson's Punch Out!


Taylor said...

What about Hulk Hogan?

Anonymous said...

Think about Hulk Hogan and get a good picture of him in your head, then take another look at that picture of Hacksaw Jim Duggan. I think Hacksaw wins that contest hands down (or at least thumbs up with a two-by-four and a bellowing Ho-ooooh!).

Che said...

There was one year Karl Malone sported a handle bar and looked like the black version of a white porn star. Not too many notable black porn stars in the industry, aside from the guy who banged Kim Kardashian. Guess its not too special for a black guy to have a 12 inch unit.
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