Tuesday, September 23, 2008

I Hate You-NBA Style

Not you, baby. I love you. Deeply. Strongly. Passionately. I love and want to make sweet love to your whole damn body. Right now. (spoken with a Barry White-esque voice.)

Try as I might to fulfill the Christian commandment found in Matthew 22:39 to love my neighbor as myself, I find myself strongly disliking some professional athletes. Obviously, I don't know any of these people on a personal level and therefore can't harbor any real hatred towards them, but I certainly hate them as athletes, and for different reasons. Some I may hate due to success against my favorite teams, some because of their attitudes, some for something as shallow as how they look. It just depends, really. So, without further ado, my list of most hated NBA players:

The Detroit Pistons-
I know this isn't a player, but literally, I can't think of a single Piston I like. Billups, Hamilton, Wallace, McDyess, Prince, Stuckey, etc, etc. I hate them all. There is just something about them that makes me want to come through the screen and punch them in the collective nutsack. Wouldn't that be fun? Rasheed starts whining to an official after an obvious foul and then boom! Right in the nugs. Between Sheed's whining, McDyess' Dr. Doom-like face mask, Rip Hamilton's constant cheap-shots, Tayshaun Prince's freckles and Billups always getting to the free throw line, I just can't stand 'em.

Vince Carter-
I know the guy has ridiculous talent and has some of the best dunks in the history of the game, but he just bugs the crap out of me. Yes, he quit on Toronto, and yes, he fails to get enough out of his enormous talent, but to be honest, I didn't like him when he was in Toronto, or even on North Carolina. There is just something about how he sneers after a big play that I hate. Also, I hate that he sits and shoots jumpers when he is killer going to the hole.

Brad Miller-
B-Rad the pot smoker gives all white NBA players a bad name. I mean, he fits every stereotype about white guys in the NBA. He's tall, slow, unathletic, is a good shooter, can really pass, can't defend and loves weed. (Okay that last one is really a stereotype about all NBA players, but I digress. Either way, Miller loves the ganja.) Add to that the fact that he plays for the boring Kings and always has a whiny look on his face and I just can't stand him and his fundamentals.

Damon Jones-
Ugh. Damon Jones comes off the bench for whatever team he plays and makes one shot a game and then prances around like the Queen of Spain. I've never seen a career 6 point per game player think so highly of himself. Oh, and he rocked that ridiculous shaved mohawk for quite some time. (Ok. That was kind of cool.) One of my favorite moments in All-Star Weekend history was watching the cameras panning around during the dunk contest only to find Jones in a ridiculous red suitcoat, only to have Charles Barkley start ripping Damon for the coat. From that point in the telecast on, any time there was dead air, Barkley would bring up Damon Jones' coat. It was great. In fact, I found video of it here. I strongly recommend you watch that. (Thank goodness for Youtube!)

Jarron Collins-
You may be asking yourself "how could anyone hate Jarron Collins? He doesn't do anything." Exactly. Look, I am far and away a Celtics fan, and love them more than some human babies, but because I live in Utah and have for my whole life, I have an affinity for the Jazz. And Collins may be the worst, least athletic player in the NBA today. I mean, his twin brother is awful, but somehow, Utah got stuck with the bad Collins. Funny story. Every time Collins comes in the game, I start booing him. I was on the 20th row and somehow had convinced my wife to come to the Jazz game with me. Collins gets subbed in and of course, I start booing vociferously. My wife whispers to me "stop it." I then say loudly "No need to worry. I'm not offending anyone. Collins isn't anybody's favorite player. Even his mom likes his brother better." I kid you not, half of the section started busting up laughing.

Eric Snow-
Again, another head scratcher for most of you. Only Cleavland fans and I might get this one. I dislike this guy strongly. I have no clue how he's been in the league for so long, since he isn't actually that good at basketball. Ok, another story. I was at the Jazz' Summer League and we were watching I believe Seattle play somebody. Snow was on the Seattle squad and I didn't even know who he was. I was like 15 or 16. Anyway, we we're 1 row behind the bench and we start heckling this guy on the Seattle team named Raimonds Miglinieks. For whatever reason, we find the name Raimonds hilarious and choose him to heckle. The coach won't put him in and we start saying "come on, Coach. Put in Raimonds!" Whenever someone would mess up we say "if Raimonds were in there, he wouldn't done that." Anyway, Raimonds is getting pretty upset as we are only 1 row back. Finally, the coach puts in Raimonds in the 4th quarter and he subs in for Eric Snow. Snow sits down, looks over at me and says "Man, get a life." I then yell "You get a life. You're the one sitting on the bench in a rookie league game." He rolls his eyes at me and looks away. Okay, that one turned out pretty well for Snow, he's rich. Anyway, after the game, Raimonds comes over to the bench, wipes his face with a towel, and then throws it rocket-style on my face, which is awesome. He then challenges my buddy Phil to a fistfight. Oh, the days of yore, how I miss you at times.

Here is the rest of my list, briefly:
Carlos Arroyo: Stop pounding the Puerto Rican flag on your chest, you suck.
Marcus Banks: You have a square head, and you suck.
Derek Fisher: Used his kid's cancer to get out of Utah. And he sucks.
Josh Howard: Hated him before I found out he hates America.
Nate Robinson: You ain't tuff, little man. Work on your game rather than your dunks.
Brian Scalabrine: The C's really could use those 3 million dollars, Scal.
"Tender" Ronny Turiaf: Announcers love him too much for what he does: nothing.
Hedo Turkoglu: The Ultimate "Euro Face." I can't stand "Euro Face." Doesn't help that he hits big shots.
Sasha Vujacic: Even Laker's fans hate this guy, I'm sure of it.


Anonymous said...

I hate the collective entity that is "Jazz Fan". If the Jazz win two pre-season games in a row sports talk radio stations in SLC are flooded with calls that go something like this: "They're gonna go 82-0 this year I can just feel it. They're primed to steamroll through the entire NBA, baby. And Boozer is looking ridiculous out there. The more I watch him the more he looks like Karl Malone to me. The Hall of Fame better get a spot ready for him when the Jazz run off six, seven championships in a row here. GO JAZZ!"
I understand that a lot of cities are like this when their squad does well, but Jazz Fan is the worst (followed closely by BYU Fan, and the worst part about that is that these two fan sets are mostly made up of the same people).

FYI-Boozer isn’t even a poor-man’s Karl Malone until he scores about five or six more points a game and pulls down three or four more rebounds a contest. Oh, and he has to do that for like seventeen years all while wearing kick-ass quarterback wristbands.

C.B. Jack said...


You suck.

Boyd said...

No, Jim is awesome. Just ask him to tell the stroy about the time the guy pissed on Ed's face. That might be one of the greatest stories of all time. No offense, c.b. jack, but you don't have a story better than that one, because I sure as hell don't, and I'm not sure you even have a better story than I do.


Anonymous said...

c.b. jack,
You must be a Jazz/BYU fan, and your post has only strengthened my argument, my poor sad friend. While sitting at a Jazz game you will often hear a dude, dressed in a limited edition Bryon Russell jersey, yelling, "PAUL PIERCE, YOU SUCK!!" or "LEBRON, YOU SUCK!!" and the only way either of these two comments can be made true is if you add certain qualifying phrases to each of them.

Like so:

"Lebron you suck!"-not true.
"Lebron you suck at shooting threes!"-totally true.
"Paul Pierce, you suck!"-not true.
"Paul Pierce, you suck at dying after you get stabbed thirteen times outside of a Boston nightclub!"-also totally true.

So when you say "Jim you suck." this could be totally true in many cases as I do suck at a great many things. For example, I'm a terrible seamstress, I could never hit the curveball, and I never made a car that won the Cub Scout Pinewood Derby. But there are also a great many thing at which I do not suck. I don't suck at expressing myself through the written word (your post was a little limited in its clarity of meaning). I don't suck at being a Celtic fan (twenty plus years of suffering have finally paid off). And last of all, I don't suck at hating Jazz/BYU fans and if that includes you c.b. jack, then I think you suck!