Monday, September 1, 2008

Is Baseball A Sport?

I agree! A listing of football picks by guys that more than half of the regular readership of this blog do not know is not exactly interesting reading, but dang it, you're getting our weekly picks wether you like them or not. Now, on to the question at hand: Is Baseball a sport?

See, I was sitting on the john at my parents house today, and I was reading the Sports Section. On the next to last page, I saw a picture of CC Sabathia with a headline about him throwing a disputed one hitter. What I noticed was CC's huge gut hanging over his pants. I thought to myself, "man, if you can be that fat and that good at baseball, is it really a sport?"

First, let me give you my idea of what sport is. Now, I'm not going to call this a definition, per se, but these are the guidelines I use to define a sport:

1. Physical Exertion: You have to run and/or swim or do something that makes you breath heavily. A machine cannot do most of your work for you. Adios, NASCAR. You ain't a sport. The only reason people watch you is to see what white trash drama is going to explode that week. "Dya hear the news, Skeeter? Jimmy Johnson and Rusty Wallace done got in a fight after Rusty bucked him up against the wall at the Brickyard." This requirement also eliminates Golf, which is really hard, but it isn't a sport. You have a dude that carries the clubs for you, man. Also, see Craig Stadler and John Daly.

2. Defense: Somebody has to be trying to stop you from doing what you want to do. This eliminates about 85 % of Olympic Competition. Swimming is not a sport, it's a part of a sport, like Water Polo. No one tried to stop Michael Phelps from swimming fast. Imagine how much cooler the 200 meter would be if there was defense in the pool and you had to go up and under the defense. Again, sorry Golf. I mean, Tiger's caddy gets pissed if someone even uses their camera during Tiger's backswing. What if someone were trying to gaurd him? And Tour de France? Please. Lance Armstrong isn't one tenth the athlete Kobe Bryant is.

3. Defined Scoring: A touchdown is six points. A made basket, two. But the uneven bars in Gymnastics? Depends on what country the judges are from. In sports, the scoring is clear, there is no confusion as to what the outcome of any given action is.

Now, as you can see, it isn't that hard to be a sport. Nevertheless, so many things that we call sports are not, but are merely athletic competitions. Is it impressive to be good at athletic competitions? Of course, but the best athletes play sports.

I've decided Baseball is on the fence. There is certainly defense, and of course defined scoring. One of the best things is to see the 350 pounder at the baseball game, who has never kissed a girl, keeping score in his own scorebook. It is too precious. Where Baseball falls short is in the physical exertion category. Is there some exertion? Yes. But besides the pitcher and catcher, who only play half the game, the rest of the guys only exert themselves 5 or 6 times a game, tops. To make my point, I offer the following:

David Wells was a great pitcher, but it doesn't speak well for the athleticism component of your sport when a guy can pitch a perfect game completely drunk and completely fat.

Tony Gwynn had over 3,000 hits and a .300 batting average. And he was a tub of lard who waddled around the bases after his first few years.

Rich "El Guapo" Garces: Now, this guys wasn't that good, but he did play on the major league level. After he swallowed a few minor leaguers the Red Sox had to let him go, it was just costing them too much to employ this guy.

Ray King. Ray King's head is so big it has it's own gravitational pull. Why, Lord, couldn't you have made me left handed??????

Here is CC, in all of his rotund glory. This guy is probably the best pitcher in baseball today, and he is a fat sandwich of epic proportions. Someone is going to pay him $25 million a year next offseason, or about $2.99 per lb, which is less than top sirloin.

Babe Ruth is the best baseball player ever. "Nuff said.


Anonymous said...

Let me take you off the fence. Why cant you be fat and an athelete? If your genetics say you'll have a gut then thats what you'll have. what about football linemen who are a burger away from having to use a truck scale, yet they can run a 4.6 40 yard dash. Back in 98 I saw a fat dude run an ironman. so get off the fat fatass

Anonymous said...

Babe Ruth is definately NOT the best baseball player ever! All he could do was hit! Hank Aaron and Dereck Jeter are the best baseball players ever because they can do it all.

Anonymous said...

Babe is the best ever! What is doing it all anyway? All Aaron did was hit cheap homeruns and play for half of a century. And Ruth makes Jeter look like a drooling tard

Anonymous said...

Dereck freakin' Jeter!?! Please dear Lord in heaven don't tell me that someone thinks Jeter is anything more than a slappy, somewhat below average shortstop that ran himself into a couple of Championship rings because his owner was willing to pony up a mountain of cash for them. Jeter? Are you serious? They're not calling the new Yankee Stadium "the House that Jeter Built" are they? Come on, Rey Ordonez could have one those Championships with those Yankee teams of the 90s.

Anonymous said...

calling derek jeter the best baseball player ever might be the stupidest thing that ive ever read