Wednesday, September 10, 2008

It's Alright Cuz I'm Saved By The Bell

You know you watched it. You were either jealous of Zach Morris or lusted after him, depending on which sex and orientation you were. You couldn’t decide if you liked AC Slater or not, but you knew you respected the hell out of him. I mean, how does a guy get to be a stud wrestler and the quarterback of the varsity? Kelly Kapowski, Lisa Marie Turtle, and Jessie Spano….the stuff of wet dreams around the globe. You needed comic relief, you got Screech. That guy was hi-larious. And don’t forget Mr. Belding, Lord, don’t you forget Mr. Belding, everyone’s favorite principal.

Saturday mornings were never as good as the 4 year stretch between 1989-1993. You woke up, watched whatever crappy cartoons were on, and then got ready for Saved By The Bell. You liked it. Don’t try and deny it. I sure won’t.

I was thinking today about shows I liked as a kid and this one came to mind and I decided, for no other reason than my own damn entertainment, to compare NFL players to Saved By The Bell characters, so here goes. This will probably suck, but oh well.

Zachary “Zach” Morris: Chad Ocho Cinco, Bengals
Chad is Mr. Popular, and is everybody's favorite NFL rascal. He's got everything going for him. Just like Zach, Chad is always scheming something up, and that something often backfires. Flamboyant celebrations aside, Chad is, like Zach, highly succesful and bright despite his shenanigans. (Didn't you know that Zach scored a 1502 on the SAT and could have gone to Yale?) Also, I heard that instead of calling him Ocho Cinco, Carson Palmer calls him "Preppie."

Kelly Kapowski: Tom Brady, Patriots
Just like Kelly, Tom is Mr. Popular. Members of the opposite sex swoon over him, as proof by his list of high-class hot chick girlfriends. Brady has a choirboy reputation, just like Kelly was the squeaky clean leader of the cheerleaders at Bayside High. Yeah, Kelly had detention a few times from some bad luck (compare to only 1 knee injury for Brady), but overall, things went perfectly for her just like they do for Tom. Also, I heard that Tom is going to be on the new Beverly Hills 90210, just like the actress who played Kelly Kapowski, Tiffany Amber-Theissen was on the old 90210.

Albert Clifford "A.C." Slater: Terrell Owens
Aloof, distant and moody, TO and AC Slater share a lot in common. Both are highly talented athletes with amazing musculature. Both keep outsiders at a distant and can be angry. Both are generally douche bags. But you love to hate them. Also, I heard that Terrell Owens is going to be on that show for pooh stains, dancing with the stars, like the Actor who plays Slater, Mario Lopez.

Samuel "Screech" Powers: John Beck, Dolphins
You might not even know who John Beck is, but he is the 3rd string QB for Miami and was the QB at BYU. He is the nerd on the right, And Screech is the nerd on the left.. He is a nerd to the 50th degree, but kind of in a funny way. He longs for the starting job like Screech longed for Lisa Turtle. Like Screech, it seems that Beck accepts his nerdiness, and revels in it. How else can you explain his haircut. Also, I heard that John Beck has an anthropomorphized robot he programed name Kevin.

Jessica Myrtle "Jessie" Spano: Peyton Manning, Colts
Peyton is probably the smartest player in the NFL. Jessie was the smartest at Bayside High. And just like Jessie finished second to Screech in the race for valedictorian, Peyton has usually finished second to Tom Brady in the AFC Championship. Jessie struggled with an addiction to caffiene pills, Peyton stuggles with an addiction to audibles. See the connections? Also, I heard that Peyton Manning is going to star in a D movie about strippers in the future, just like Elizabeth Berklty, the actress who played Jessie did in "Showgirls." Can't you just see Peyton licking a pole like that? Hot.

Lisa Marie Turtle: Jason Taylor, Redskins
Lisa was always worried about her looks and fashion, and so is Jason, who always makes the best looking and best dressed lists of NFL players. Lisa was kind of a boring character, and so is Jason. Also, I heard that Jason Taylor wants to be a fashion designer when he gets done with football.

Mr. Richard Belding: Tony Dungy, Colts
Hey, hey, hey, what is going on here? I'll bet that is heard daily at Colt's practice, just like it was at Bayside High. Mr. Belding could be tough, just like Dungy, but he also showed that he genuinely cared about his students, like Tony cares deeply about his players. Also, I heard that Tony Dungy loves the Beach Boys song "Califonia Girls." As an aside, I had to post this photo. Looks like Mr. Belding ate all the donuts in the faculty room and might soon be going to jail for a little something called statutory. Tisk, tisk, Mr. Belding. I'm shaking my head at you.


Rich said...

Dude you missed a golden opportunity to connect Screech(Derek Diamond) to porn. There has to be a player with a killer porn stash in the NFL. There is part 3 of your facial hair features.

Anonymous said...

Rich, it's "stache" as in "mustache." A killer porn "stash" would be a wicked Playboy collection or something. And you're right, there has to be an NFL player with a killer one of those somewhere.

Also, Boyd, you are one crazy mofo. And I like it.


Rich said...

Anon you are correct, also I must correct myself I think it is Dustin not Derek Diamond. My bad

Anonymous said...

"Also, I heard that John Beck has an anthropomorphized robot he programed name Kevin."

This is great. Total bullshit, but great.


Che said...

Jim, I know for a FACT that John Beck's robot is not bullshit! Also, while most boys were pining over Kelly, I had it BAD for Lisa Turtle. She got my pubescent boxers all hot and bothered.
Stay sweet!