Monday, September 22, 2008

The NBA and Classic Rock-It's Fantastic!

You don't know how many times I've been speaking to someone between the ages of 40 and 60 who has told me that they no longer relate to the NBA. They used to love it back in the days of Magic, Bird, and Jordan, but now the players make so much money, and are such thugs that they just can't enjoy the leauge. Specifically, they often say that the marketing of the hip-hop culture really turns them off. All that hippity-hop music, baggy clothes, and bling causes a disconnect between these older fans and the players of today. They also think it seeps into every day culture. I mean, just look at that baby offering a fist pound. Disgraceful.

But what if the marketing direction was different? It's not that big of a stretch to connect NBA players to the music of the 40-60 year old, classic rock. With that in mind, I just might send this to David Stern to help him get these valuable fans back.

AC/DC-Shaquille O'neal
Has there ever been a more unstoppable force in Classic Rock? Has there ever been a more unstoppable force in the NBA? No and no. Are both extremely limited in some regards? Of course. Let's face it, AC/DC only really has 1 song, which they just retool and re-release over and over. And Shaq only really has one move-the dunk. But that's okay, because that song is a great song, and that dunk is a great dunk. Also, both have that kick ass and take no prisoners attitude that define their styles.

Eric Clapton-Steve Nash
These two both have a classy style, highlighted by moments of improvisational genius. Both have rocked ugly hair most of their careers. Both had periods of being kind of bad (The first 4 years of Nash's career, the 80's for Clapton.) In the end, both are revered and respected despite being slightly past their respective primes. Oh, and I just wanted to say that Cocaine is a great song, and if someone sings it at a Karaoke party, you need to bring the thunder on the next song, not some pussy crap like "Summer Lovin." Just saying.

Rush-Kwame Brown
I once got free box seat tickets to see Rush at Delta Center in Salt Lake City. I went with an open mind. The house was packed with rabid Rush fans. The show itself was fantastic, with 3 hours of pyrotechnics, dragons, and all sort of wierd and fantastic things. The only problem was the band. Every song would start out and I would think "oh, this one sounds like it might be okay" and then the band would take the song to a horrible, dissonant place, accented by the hideous shrieking of lead singer Geddy Lee, followed by an amazing solo, returning to an even worse place, then ending. You could tell the band had talent, but wasted it badly, not unlike Kwame Brown, who has all the physical attributes and talents to be a star, but can't put it all together. One more thing about Rush: If your drummer writes most of the songs, you may be in trouble. If you like Rush you probably need to be on anti-psychotics.

Scorpions-Dirk Nowitzki
Different. Beautiful. German. What more can I say? Winds of Change would be on the "Whistling's Greatest Hits" CD if it ever got made. There has been a lot of talk about making that CD, but very little action, Derek. Where was I? Dirk Nowitzki and his flowing hair made it big in America, just like Scorpions did. No one can deny playing some air guitar to Rock You Like a Hurricane. And no one can deny being slightly impressed by Dirk's MVP season. But just like Scorpions faded quickly, so too will Dirk. Oh, and by the way, the lyrics are "I follow the Moskva down to Gorky Park listening to the wind of change" I wasn't even close!

The Eagles-Kobe Bryant
When I think of the Eagles, I throw up a little. Then I think about their versatility and musicality. This is one of the most talented rock groups of all time, without a question. Same with Kobe. He can simply do it all, and makes it look easy. I have to respect both for their undeniable abilities. Both however, just rub me the wrong way. Maybe it was the alleged Coloradan Rape for Kobe. Maybe it was the song Desperado or New York Minute for the Eagles. Who knows? I just have to agree with The Dude from Big Lebowski: I just don't like the (bleeping) Eagles. And I just don't like the (bleeping) Kobe Bryant.

Led Zeppelin-Kevin Garnett
This one is easy. Both KG and Zeppelin are top notch and classy. Now, Zeppelin didn't have a whole lot of singles that topped the charts, just like KG had only taken his team out of the first round one time before this last season, but no one could deny the greatness of either. Robert Plant has a pretty intense voice to match the on-court tenacity of Garnett. And I heard Jimmy Page is an excellent defender of the pick-and-roll, er, can play guitar solos with a violin bow.

Def Leppard-Jim Abbot
I know Jim Abbot played baseball, but the drummer from Def Leppard only had one arm and so did Jim. That alone requires a mention on this blog. One armed dudes succeeding is always cool. Both had 2 good things: Abbot had an 18 win season and a no-hitter, Def Leppard had Hysteria and Pyromania. It is officially cool to, whilst bowling, tuck one arm into your shirt and air drum to the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" if it comes over the loudspeaker.

The Beatles-LeBron James
Lebron James is, in my opinion, the most versatile and best player in the NBA today. He may go down in history as the best player of all time when all is said and done if the Cavs could get another good player or two. I mean, he's only 23 years old. LeBron can do it all: pass, defend, score. The Beatles could do it all as well: pop, rock, country, blues. Both really only have one weakness: LeBron's suspect outside shooting, and the Beatles' Ringo Starr.

There you have it Mr. Stern. You are welcome.


Anonymous said...

If Tony Parker is not Celine Dion then I don't know who is. Come on, Tony consistently scores more points in the paint than any other guard in the NBA and Celine lives in a city where street vendors make portraits of alien landscapes with spray paint. Coincidence? (I don't even think that's much of a stretch). Let's try a little harder next time, Boyd. Don't just phone this crap in. You have an audience to entertain for hell's sake.

Boyd said...

Celine Dion is hardly a classic rock artist. And this shit was entertaining. You have a comment to keep straight.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't criticizing your post. It was wonderfully entertaining and you are correct to the point that Celine Dion is not a classic rock artist (I apologize). I was simply trying to be funny and my failed attempt at humor was more to point out that the street artist of Las Vegas, Nevada are, as is Tony Parker, wonderfully gifted with either of their hands with/in the paint. That's all. I love you.

Taylor said...

Where is the Queen-John Amaechi reference? Is Queen in the Celine Dion boat?

Cheeth said...

Great post.

I have a couple:

First, I submit that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is the band Chicago. Sure, Chicago was a classic rock band (Saturday in the Park, etc.), and they have sold an obscene amount of records, but looking back, we realize they were gay (in the sixth grade, not bumchugging sense) and so no one reminisces fondly about them.

Second, Robert Horry is Aerosmith. Just as Aerosmith has gotten the maximum record sales out of having one catchy song inside a shite stew on each record, Robert Horry has managed to make a great living off making one or two big shots just about every year.

Anonymous said...

Another reason why LeBron and the Beatles are alike- They're terribly overrated.

Anonymous said...

27/7/7 yeah Lebron is really overrated. Carries a lottery team into the playofs every year but he is overrated. What more can the man do to prove that he is the real deal. The Beatles countless number one hits. Music that has lasted 4 generations but you know they are overrated as well. People who make dumb comments on blogs highly overrate their intelligence.

Anonymous said...

Okay, Lebron is not overrated, he is just rated. He is a phenomenal athlete, no doubt, and he led the league in scoring, but he is a terrible shooter. There is proof of this (career 32% 3-point shooter, 47% field goal shooter when most of your field goals are dunks, are both bad percentages. Compare that to Jason Kapono [a good shooter] at 49% field goals, with no dunks that I can recall, and 48% 3-pointers). He got beat in not one, but two games of HORSE by a nameless factory worker and I could beat him in a three point contest every day of the week and twice on Sundays.
Now before you Lebron worshipers have the tops of your heads explode, I am in no way insinuating that Kapono, the factory worker, or myself are better than James. Lebron is great, but as previously stated he is not overrated, just rated.
The Beatles on the other hand are the greatest band to ever walk God's Earth. Sure they have polished a few turd along the way (take a listen to "Revolution Number Nine” or anything George Harrison wrote that was accompanied by a sitar) but by in large they didn't have many bad songs. If anything the Beatles are underrated for the influence they had on modern day music across the globe.

In summary:
The Beatles-underrated
Kapono-douche bag

Tom G said...

zeppelin didn't have many chart-topping singles because they didn't release singles.

also, rush rocks.

Anonymous said...

great list, except for bashing on rush. they frickin' rock

everything else was funny, though

Anonymous said...

If you like this, check out This is the list (NBA & WWF) that kicked off the whole comparison fad over the summer.

Marcel P. said...

Don't hate on Rush! Best concert I've ever been to. Peart is the truth.

Cheeth said...

No, Rush sucks. And this is coming from a man who loves to belt out "Limelight". They suck, and I am proud to say that I like their four or so good songs, but they do suck. The point is it's okay to like a band that sucks, and you, noble Rush fans, like a band that sucks.

As for the "comparison fad over the summer", I think Bill Simmons would have to get credit for doing it in sports writing since about 1999.

Anonymous said...

who would be the stones?

Che said...

I submit that Vince Carter would be Van Halen. Sure Eddie's two hand tapping guitar technique is impressive, but the overall songs in general are steeming piles. Similarly, Vinsanity highlights are fun to watch, but his game cannot be respected and his teams will never represent because he is, overall, a giant turd. His two hand tapping never wins games. Also, just as Van Halen changed lead singers, so has Carter evolved. At first he was David Lee Roth lead, just out there to have a good time for himself and bang some chicks in the process. That's when watching/listening was fun. Then Vince became Van Hagar - introspective, sullen, whiny "Why can't this be love" or "Right Now". Vince Halen took himself too seriously, leading to the now ritualistic faking an injury midway through the second only to return "triumphant" in the fourth. Hell, I could write a whole page on the similarities. But I won't.
In answer to the latest post, if Lebron James is the Beatles, the Stones are the player to be crowned "the next Lebron", with a little more street cred. Basically, the Stones just looked at what the Beatles did 4 months before and dirtied it up a bit. P.s. they effing rock!
Finally, don't fool yourself, Rush sucks. It's a scientific fact. Plus, I heard their meunstration attracts bears!