Thursday, September 18, 2008

Tecmo Super Bowl-The Greatest Game of All Time

I love video games. Passionately. In fact, I almost married Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas until I found out it had a problem with Crack-Cocaine. I have spent so much time playing video games that I probably could have learned Mandarin Chinese and Croatian with the time I spent playing games. Do I regret that? Malo (Croatian for a little). Video games are an awesome gift from above, like sweet manna for the children of Israel. For we were starving for fun, and the Lord gave us video games. Of all video games, I have a favorite. It really isn’t close, either. I speak of it reverentially, and have mentioned it in this space before: Tecmo Super Bowl.

I still play the game to this day, despite the fact that it is on 8-bit NES, and was released in 1991. You can have your Madden Football and your NCAA franchises with their "nice graphics" and "smooth gameplay," but as for me and my house, we will choose Tecmo. If you have never played the game, I highly recommend that you stop reading this right now, go to a used video game shop, buy the game and Nintendo console if you foolishly got rid of yours, and start playing immediately. In fact, I command you to do so.

I’m not going to come up with a list of why I love Tecmo or why it is better than any other game ever, because you would already know all of those things if you had played it, as you should have. (Again, if you haven’t GO NOW!!!!) Instead, I just want to give you some random thoughts from the game that may or may not get you remembering and paying tribute to this football institution. I know I plan on going home tonight and pulling the old controller out and beating the Patriots 84-0. (by the way, weren't things so much easier when you just had the A and B buttons to worry about?) Here goes:

Favorite Teams:
Chicago Bears-I love being da Bears not only because they are in fact my favorite team, but also because they are a powerhouse. I have won full games against human competition (vs.human is much different and harder than vs. computer) using only run plays to Neal Anderson. The defense is also dominant. I use Mark Carrier to keep the opposition from racking up the yardage. The passing game is non-existent, and Tecmo purists will argue that because of that Chicago is not an elite team, but I don’t care. I love being them.

Philadelphia Eagles-QB Eagles. What more do I need to say? I dominate with this team because I roll out, see where the defender is, and either pass it or run it with QB Eagles, who runs like the best of running backs. It’s the ultimate option offense for 1991 video games. Did you just call him Randall Cunningham? He's not on this game, son. The Eagles' Quarterback is named QB Eagles on Tecmo, just like QB Browns and QB Bills. On D, I use Eric Allen to pick off passes and stop the run. The "D" isn’t that good overall, but it is good enough combined with that offense.

5 favorite Players:
Bo Jackson-I have racked up over 900 yards in a single game with this guy because when he is in excellent condition, he cannot be stopped. I just zig and zag and the defense can only lower its digital head in shame. It's important that you don't let the defense tackle you in the end zone if possible because if you fumble the ball after a touchdown, you lose the stats, and no one wants to do that.
Christian Okoye-When the Nigerian Nightmare is in excellent condition his hitting power is so high that I will actually purposefully run at the defenders to watch them bounce off Okoye like bullets off Superman. When in excellent, he is my favorite player to play with, bar none.
QB Eagles-As described above, I cannot be stopped with QB Eagles. Many have tried and all have failed. I once went 8 games without an incompletion with QB Eagles in season mode (Anyone who has played this game knows that after week 8 the computer gets all hard to play against and you can’t run the ball as well).
Wade Wilson/Vinny Testaverde-Let me just say that I have never used the Vikings once. This is significant because I once made a goal to win the Super Bowl with every team on the game, but never could with the hated Vikings. My buddy Chase, however, loves the Vikes and when he plays against me, he inevitably makes a first down on a gritty QB sneak with Wilson and says “Wade Wilson is all full of piss and vinegar.” Also, my boy Cheeth will often be the Buccaneers and will make a first down rush with Vinny and will wax eloquent about “The heroic deeds of Vinny Testaverde.” How can you not love that? That's what's great about Tecmo: you can do the impossible, such as get a first down with Vinny Testaverde or win the Super Bowl with the Detroit Lions.
Warren Moon: I have played many a season with the Oilers, and have tried to have 80 catches with 5 receivers, but I doubt I ever did it. That is a lot of damn balls to complete in a game where the clock runs faster than real time. I love the run-and-shoot offense of the Oilers, and never hand the ball off, not even once if I play with them. Why would I? Lorenzo White is a fumbling machine.

Things I Hate:
People Using the 49'ers: Everyone knows it’s lame to be the 49’ers in a tournament, season or even a single game. You can just drop back and throw it to Jerry Rice and it doesn’t matter if he is quadruple covered, he will usually catch it. This is lame, and anyone who uses them extensively is lame as well.
Defensive Slide: We’ve all been there before, we are hiding just off the screen so that only the arrow can be seen, trying to dupe the opponent into thinking that we are covering the deep receiver. The opponent falls for it and decides to throw to the short man and we come screaming in to try and make the interception, only right at the last second the computer makes us dive, we miss the man completely, and he goes on to make a big play. This is usually followed with an explitive, such as shitballs. Aaaargh, defensive slide.
Nose Guard Slide: This is the evil cousin of the defensive slide. Someone figured out that if you are the Nose Guard on defense, you can side step the center, hit the dive button, and sack the Quarterback or ball carrier immediately. This is only used by the lamest of cheaters, who want to get punched in the face repeatedly and then possibly peed on while they are unconscious.

Just talking about Tecmo gets me juiced to play. I think what I’ll do is start a Tecmo season tonight, and keep a running log of what happens. I also ordered an NES to USB port Nintendo controller so that I can enter online leagues. I may even buy an Ipod like the one featured in this photograph. I didn't even know that existed until 15 seconds ago when I Googled it. Wow. That’s all for today. I may write more about this as things come to mind, or I may not. Please, comment on any thoughts you have on Tecmo.


Rich said...

Color me lame, I was a Niners player.

Taylor said...

I agree Rich. You are lame. I was usually the Raiders or the Oilers. The Oilers had amazing receivers, especially Givens and Hill. I hated playing against people who would use the Eagles because QB EAGLES was like and old-school Tim Tebow. Impossible to stop. Deity in a football uniform.

Che said...

As the aformentioned Vikings fan, and an alumn from the Boyd Madsen School of Tecmo Super Bowl, I would like to wax eloquent of how Tecmo transcends mere entertainment and even goes so far as to change lives. It was the first time I ever met the Cheeth and we were embroiled in a football battle that would become subject of Tecmo lore. Wade Wilson was especially full of piss and vinegar this night as my Vikes were really handing it to the heavily favored 49ers - that's right, the Cheeth wasn't above slumming with the 9ers. The heroics of W-squared, as I have never called him but just made up for this comment, were incredible, causing me to giggle like a school girl with every heavily covered catch. The beating, the giggling, and my natural bitch-ass face brewed a rage deep within the Cheeths red-headed heart until, with hatred in his voice, he called me a F#@ker. We've been fast friends (and occasional lovers) ever since. Thank you Boyd, for your honorable tribute to Tecmo. And thank you, Tecmo Super Bowl, for being more than a game, but a way of life.
Stay sweet!

Anonymous said...

Could someone please try and stop Dan Marino from completing 60 passes in a game when I am at the controls and he is in excellent condition? I defy you, as long as you don't use the afore mentioned "Nose Guard Slide" you pussy, hack, piece of crap cheaters.