Monday, September 29, 2008

Wanna Fight? Fight Me.

I detest fighting. I have been in very few(2) fights in my entire life. But I was watching some clips on NBA TV the other day and I saw a guy and thought, you know what? If I had to fight that guy, I could probably take him. Thus, the following post. First off, I am 6'2" 285 lbs of mostly flab. But I know how to use my weight. So, here are 3 lists: First are the NBA players I think I could take. Next comes the NBA players I wouldn't fight, even if I had a gun. Last are the players I think I could take if I had a bat, but I wouldn't challenge them without one. This might be lenghty.

NBA PLAYERS I THINK I COULD TAKE:

Marcus Banks: Banks is listed generously at about 6'2" and 212 lbs. He is muscly and strong, to be sure, but my rage about his failures as a Celtics Lottery Pick would probably fuel me to an easy victory against Banks. I would simply get him on the ground and wear him out with my punishing weight.


Mike Bibby: Also generously listed at 6'2" and 190 lbs, no self-respecting man thinks he couldn't take Mike Bibby. Have you heard him talk? 3 words come to mind: Kermit The Frog. Bibby just looks weak, and I would exploit this by getting him on the ground and choking him out. Mike literally scares no one, least of all the beast writing this column.


TJ Ford: This guy is maybe 150 lbs, soaking wet. It's not that the little fellow isn't tough, but there is a reason that they have weight divisions in boxing. What I would do to TJ wouldn't be pretty. And I'm not afraid to fight dirty, if he starts winning, I'll go straight for the neck. TJ should think twice about challenging me.


The Phoenix Suns: And yes, I am including Shaq. I once saw Sherman "The General" Douglas put Shaq right on his ass during a skirmish, so I can't be too afraid of the behemoth. I'd just head straight for his knees and groin areas and take my chances. But the rest of them? All 120 lbs of Leandro Barbosa? (get him on the ground.) Grant Hill? (straight for the ankles.) Steve Nash? (pull hair, eye gouge, wrestle.) Boris Diaw (French. Would threaten a lot and wait for his surrender.) Beware, Phoenix Suns.


NBA PLAYERS I WOULDN'T FIGHT, EVEN IF I HAD A GUN:


Ron Artest: Let's get the obvious out of the way. Not only is Artest huge, strong, fast and powerful, he is crazy with a side of crazy. He wouldn't just beat you up, he would humiliate you. Would anyone be surprised if you woke up tomorrow and the front page of the newspaper read: Ron Artist Arrested For Double Homicide? No. No one would be surprised, and that is a scary thought.


Matt Harpring: You might scratch your head at this one, but if Harpring is half as intense in a street fight as he is on the NBA court, he is just too dangerous to risk a fight with, even with a gun. You can just see the other players body language darken when this guy comes in the game. Imagine if he brings his full on-court intensity. You may never have children again.

Stephen Jackson: The other half of the infamous brawl in Detroit, S-Jack was even more intense than Artest during that melee. I mean, he was headhunting out there. The worst part was that Jackson actually seemed to enjoy fighting the fans. Scary. Just ask yourself this: Would you rather voluntarily get hit dead in the chest with a Taser 3 times, or have to fight Stephen Jackson? I'll take the taser because it probably won't kill me or leave me brain dead.


Alonzo Mourning: I don't know if this guy is a fighter or not, he would just have to look at me and I'd take off. Yes, this guy's stare is more intimidating than the whole Phoenix Suns.


Paul Pierce: Pierce may not look or be that strong, but my point with this is just, why waste your time? Pierce has proven he can withstand multiple stabbings, so if you are going to risk the murder charge, it might as well be with someone you have a small chance of killing.


NBA PLAYERS I THINK I COULD TAKE IF I HAD A BAT, BUT I WOULDN'T CHALLENGE THEM WITHOUT ONE:


Rip Hamilton: Just for clarification, this group is about the people I think I could take, but due to their sheer physical size I may need a weapon. I mean, Rip is like 6'7", so I could probably never get to him unless I had a bat, but once I evened up the score with a shot to his torso, I think I could take him.


Mark Madsen: Again, the only reason I would need a bat is because this Mr. Nice Guy is a literal giant. Oh, and in case you forgot, you might want to see one of the greates clips of all time. The best part is when Chick Hearn describes Madsen as a laundry boy. If you don't think I could take a laundry boy with a bat, you have a screw loose.


Yi Jianlian: Yi is a big boy, but looks pretty weak to me. The only real reason I would need a bat is because of the threat that he knows Karate. I mean, all Chinese people know Karate don't they? No? Well, then maybe I wouldn't the bat. Bring it on, Yi.

Delonte West: Delonte looks super scary during the game with all of his prison tats on his face and neck, but have you ever heard dude talk? He's all lisps and femininity. I'd need the bat because he is huge, but I may take my chances without it if I were feeling ridiculously frisky that day.
Now, nothing about the pic being a Celtic Pic. I know West is a Cav, but the pic shows the prison tats, along with that wierd thing by his mouth, and his red hair. Ridiculous.

Please, leave a comment about the people you could/wouldn't/would use a bat on, and when doing so, leave your physical attributes so that I can make a judgement as to the outcome.



7 comments:

And One said...

Great post. I'm not a fighter either but a girl can dream . . .

Anonymous said...

You do know that the Suns have Amare Stoudemire on their roster ... ?

Boyd said...

Yeah. He's a puss-weed though. I'd just kick him in the surgically repaired knee. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Anonymous said...

I run 5'9" 225
who i think I could take.
mike bibby(obvoius) and tj ford(obvoius) earl boykins(actually bigger) tony parker(french and would just give up doesn't want to get the prettery uglied up) Shawn Bradley, yao ming, and anyone over 7'3" and skinny(just roll up on their legs and knees and watch them fall hard)
would not under any circumstance
lebron James(the guy could be a professional weight lifter if he wanted to) really everyone else as i am in the wrong league(to short)
would face with a bat
nowitzki(he would start out winning and then somehow choke, maybe or not literally), and kirilenko (just to skinny), wrong league but everyone in the nfl who after a runner gets 7 yards the defensive player acts like he made a game winning touchdown and every rb or wr evertime after getting a first does the stupid first down thing with his arm and alex smith(what a waist)

Anonymous said...

barley 6 foot in my shoes, 200 pounds in winter clothes (shoes included).
I think I could take anybody with a bat if they did not have a bat because a bat would really hurt to get hit with. You do have to take into account that the bat is an intimate weapon though. One needs to be very close to a man to hit him with a bat (just a thought). I prefer doing most of my fighting with a long range rifle fit with a laser scope.

I know all you big fellas like Boyd think that the little guys would be the easiest to beat up. I have to admit that I believe the exact opposite. Big guys have a lot of places to hit (with or without a bat) and little guys like Allen Iverson would probably keep fighting until they're burger.
-Jim

Isaac said...

Ben Wallace, anyone?

Snoop Wogg said...

Small point Chinese know Kung Fu, Karate is Japanese. And you wouldn't need a bat for Yi, did you see him in Beijing? Soft as poo tickets. Kobe could be taken down easily too, he bitch slaps like a girl...