Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Comparing Nintendo Game Characters and NBA Players

I'm becoming a comparison slut, I'll admit it. For some reason thinking up random crap like this captures my imagination more than writing about the flaws in the BCS or NBA pre-season action. So if you don't like and/or are getting tired of these little exercises, then don't read on. If you like them and this is your first time reading this blog check here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. (great looking fish!) I have a confession: I only wish I were a comparison slut. Sluts make money. Here goes.

As I've stated before, I love video games with a deep, burning passion and love that is surpassed only by my love for sheepskin rugs. I lose sleep playing them and dream about them when I am asleep. I think about them while I'm talking to people. I fantasize about them in the bathroom. I also love the NBA. The NBA, like video games is full of heroes and villians. The best and most classic video game characters came from the 8-bit Nintendo so I thought I would take some of the more well known and beloved Nintendo characters and compare them to my favorite/least favorite NBA ballers.

Mario-Allen Iverson
Mario and Allen are more alike than appears at first glance. Both are elder statesmen of their professions. AI might not like to practice much, but like Mario, come game time, he gives 100 percent effort night in and night out. Both can jump out of the gym and both love bricks. Mario likes to break them with a fist for 100 points, and Allen loves to toss them at the basket (career 42.6%FG shooting). You might think that character-wise, these two are completetly different, but really they aren't. Both love the spotlight. After all, Mario has been keeping Luigi down for years. Both are often described as "heroic" and "brave." Both have troubled pasts. Why do you think Mario was chasing after the Princess? To pay off gambling debts is my guess.

Luigi-Andrea Bargnani
Both are big, wimpy Italians. Both are lifetime members of the second fiddle club. Both look like they should be working in a Pizzeria. Luigi has an awesome 'stache, and Bargnani would look 1000 times tougher if he rocked one as well. They are owners of the two wimpiest names in the Italian language. Dudes name is Andrea. The name Luigi strikes fear into the heart of absolutely no one, least of all the Koopa Troopa and those little turtles. (especially the always tricky turtles with wings. I hate those guys!)Haha. Both basically suck.

The Princess-Vince Carter
As we learned in Super Mario Bros. 2, the Princess, like Vince, can literally float on air. You can't beat some of the boards without her, and no conversation about great dunkers would be complete without mention of Vince. Both are very skilled and impressive. But in the end, both are ladies, and as such, have lady-like qualities. Both are basically non-aggresive. The Princess wants to keep her gown clean, and Vince won't hit the floor for that loose ball, his shoes might get scuffed. The Princess is always getting her pretty little ass kidnapped and needs to be resuced. Vince tanked it in Toronto to get rescued from Canada. (not that I can blame him much on that one :)

The Two Dudes From Double Dragon-Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer
What a great game! The premise was simple: Go around and beat the turd out of evil dudes. I can't recall much of the story line, because it wasn't important. What matterted was brute force and strength. Boozer and Williams are the NBA equivalent. They are each 2 of the strongest players at their respective positions, and they love to just ram the ball down the throat of the opposition. Also, I'm guessing they would be good at real fighting. Would you want to fight those two together? Have you heard them on interviews? These two are Serious red-asses people, just like the two dudes from Double Dragon.

Bald Bull-Zach Randolph
Mike Tyson's Punch out is full of amazing characters. My favorite has to be Bald Bull. Bald Bull is big and dumb, but is about 14 times the size of Little Mac. Zach Randolph is also a big, dumb giant. Both have skills. Bald Bull will Bull Charge you to death if you aren't careful, and Randolph has decent offensive skills and surprising range, but once you solve the Bull Charge and realize that you can score twice as many points against Randolph as he can score on you, you are fine.

Bo Jackson-LeBron James
I hate to suck up to LeBron again, since he kind of bugs me, but I have to reiterate that LeBron is the best player in the NBA. Don't give me Kobe Bryant because it just ain't true. LeBron almost leads a band of poo to the Finals every year. Can you imagine subbing him for Kobe on the Lakers? They might not lose a game all season. Bo was the same way on Tecmo Super Bowl. He simply could not be stopped. He was, like LeBron, good for several amazing plays per game. Sure, each had his little flaw, Bo had a low hitting power and you could tackle him if you could catch him (a big if), and LeBron is a suspect outside shooter, but that is like finding a little mole on the ass of the hottest supermodel, you deal with it.

Tetris-Tim Duncan
I know Tetris isn't a character, per se, but you get the point. Both Duncan and Tetris have simple, powerful design. Tim is 7 foot, perfectly built, Tetris has the frame where the thingamajigs drop down. Both have staying power. Both are incredibly dull, yet astoundingly mesmerizing and addictive. You can't stop trying to fit the square in, or the upside down l, and you can't stop being amazed at Duncan's legendary bank skills.

I could go on and on, but hope to get some good comments and analasys of your favorite games.


Amar said...

excellent article. this is quite creative. how about a follow up article about NBA players as superheroes? (who is the real superman, shaq or dwight?)

mookie said...

Ah... two of my favourite topics combined. Good work Boyd!!

DXJ said...

i love the comparisons, keep them coming!

you should have substituted matty harpring for carlos "matador defense" boozer though...i'd put my money on harp over boozer any day of the week.

Anonymous said...

Manu Ginobili is Don Flamenco from Mike Tyson's Punchout. Both are a little too fruity/euro (I know he's from Argentina) to be great at what they do. Just watch Flamenco's wibbly-wobbily fall as he hits the deck and tell me you don't see Ginobili flopping on a drive to the basket. I defy you. Also Yao Ming is Super Macho Man for obvious reasons.

Jack Brown said...

T-Mac = Excitebike. Excellent control, crazy fun, near limitless potential, but breaks down once things start getting awesome.

Rich said...

Shaq is the duck hunt dog. Dog would just sniff around, then all of the sudden that mutt would just take off flyin into those weeds and come up with a duck by the neck.
Just like that dog, Shaq will just be sniffin around down by the key and then BAM, ball comes in and he just takes off to the rim slammin it down. Plus Shaq has that dumb look on his face just like that dog.

Anonymous said...

Kevin Garnett is Link. They both started out as kids, both wear green uniforms (T-wolves and Celtics) and while first ballot HOFers, neither was ever the biggest show on the system, be it Duncan, Shaq, Lebron for K.G., or Mario and Donkey Kong (at least in 8-bit games) for Link.

Anonymous said...

great post, I agree with every one of them.

Anonymous said...

Iverson should be Sonic ... and an NBA article that doesn't mention Kobe ... ?

Anonymous said...

Hey Boyd if I ever wear pointy shoes I want you to punch me in the face. I know this has nothing to do with this blog, I just think they are the new turtlenecks and im too lazy to call you

Ryne Nelson said...

Knockout was the game of games (especially for Super Nintendo). Since we all talk about NBA JAM so much, this is a nice tangent into the rest of the ever, expansive world of video games.

Yetti said...

Isaiah Thomas would be Dr. Mario. He doesn't know what to do with all those pills. Nah! Sorry Zeke, couldn't resist.

Anonymous said...

c'mon man - where is the Nigerian Nightmare? Christian Okoye was pretty decent in the pro's but turned ridonculous when he got to Tecmo Bowl. he didn't just own players, he pummeled them. I'm thinking Ben Wallace (before he became Benny the Contract and started to such). He was so-so in college but became a destroyer of men in the NBA