Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The NBA and Fast Food-Both Fast, Both Tasty

I’m fat. It’s a fact. And why am I fat? Because I love fast food. I can’t think of a single fast food restaurant that I don’t like. I’m like Oliver Miller and William “The Refrigerator” Perry rolled into one. Okay, I’m not that fat, but you get the point: I love fast food. Now, it’s been a week or two since I wrote something completely ridiculous, so I decided that today is the day to do it again. Since I love fast food and love the NBA, today I am going to mash the two together to make a tasty blog sandwich for you to devour as I compare NBA players to fast food chains. Extra mayo, please.

I have come upon a cultural phenomenon that I find fascinating. Whenever anyone talks about “gross” fast food, they always bring up McDonald’s. You’ve heard it all: “Their burgers are greasy. It’s not clean. I feel sick immediately after eating there. No one speaks English at the drive through.” You would think no one even likes Mickey D’s, the way people talk about it. My question is if everybody hates them, why are there so damn many of them? You never see one close, and they keep putting in new ones all the time. So quit your lying, you know you love McDonalds, fatso.

Comparison: Kobe Bryant
Just like McDonald’s, most people claim that Kobe makes them sick.vBut just like McD’s, you know that secretly, deep down inside, they love/lust him, just like my brother Grant loves/lusts the Big Mac. And just like McDonald’s, Kobe is the Lord and Master of the NBA/Fast food chain. Both have blemishes: McDonald’s has that movie Supersize Me, Kobe has that alleged Coloradan rape. See? The parallels are astounding.

When I was a kid, my father took us to Wendy’s about once a month as a treat. We could never go to McDonald’s because he didn’t like it. Liar. His father forced him to eat there as a child, so as an adult, he chose Wendy’s. I wish I had the same reaction to Wendy’s as he had to McDonald’s, because my boobs might be a little smaller, maybe a B cup. Nope, I love Wendy’s. I’ll get the gut bomb Triple Cheese and down it easily. My only Where’s the Beef? with Wendy’s is that the fries are very inconsistent ever since Dave Thomas died. Dave apparently demanded fry perfection, and that has gone by the wayside in the past few years.

Comparison: Gilbert Arenas
Wendy’s and Gilbert have a lot in common. Both are solid, high–level performers that are well beloved, but just a tier below elite. Both are just a little bit quirky. See, Wendy’s uses the square patty. The round patty has worked for mankind for literally millions of years, and along comes Wendy’s and blasphemes the sacred art of burger preparation with the square patty. Same thing with Gilbert. Players have been listening to their coaches during halftime since halftime was invented, but not Gilbert. Nope. He needs to use the time to play online poker. He says it helps him keep his competitive edge. Can’t you just imagine Eddie Jordan drawing a play up on the white board only to find Gilbert calculating the pot-odds of making his flush on the river? Quirky. One more thing: Gilbert’s nickname is Hibachi because he heats up so fast. Wendy’s is the fastest in fast food. I swear the words “triple bacon cheese” will barely be out of my mouth and they are already putting it on my tray.

Kentucky Fried Chicken
They can call it KFC all they want, but no one is that stupid. We all know that it is fried chicken. Deep-fried. In fatty oils. Very, very bad for you. So quit trying to church it up, Kentucky Fried Chicken. The Colonel must be rolling over in his grave. I love KFC (abbreviated for the sake of brevity only) so much I would gladly sacrifice my firstborn for a lifetime supply of Original Recipe. Ok, not really, but you get the point. There is an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet in Salt Lake City, and the answer is about 7 pieces. If you can eat more than that, you have issues.

Comparison: Ron Artest
He’s so bad for you, but you love him just like you love that KFC. KFC will eventually clog your arteries and kill you, just like Artest will eventually kill your team, but the entertainment is just too delicious to pass up. Colonel Sanders was the ultimate fast food badass, as evidenced by his soul patch, and Artest is the ultimate NBA tough guy, as evidenced by his willingness to kick the fans ass in a brawl. (You gonna mess with the Colonel? Huh Golden Arches? Huh Wendy? Only the King has a chance to tangle with Colonel Sanders, but I’d take the Colonel, because first, he’d lull the King in by offering him a chicken dinner that he surely couldn’t pass up, and then boom! The Colonel would end it with a straight shot to the medulla oblongata. Adios King.)

Taco Bell
I used to love Taco Bell when they were cheap and open all night. Then somebody decided they could raise the prices and now it’s like 8 bucks to get a couple of tacos, a Nachos Supreme, and a Mountain Dew. Oh well, I still quiero Taco Bell and eat there once every couple of months.

Comparison: Manu Ginobili
You thought I was going to go with Eduardo Najera because he is a Mexican, didn’t you? Filthy racist. It wouldn’t have made sense anyway, as Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food. It’s more like a distant relative of Mexican food. Manu Ginobili is from Argentina, so he’s kind of like a distant relative to Mexico. Taco Bell is good. Manu is good. See? This is too easy. Racist.

Who doesn’t love a “healthy” sandwich? Me. Give me the meatball sub with extra sauce and extra cheese and make it snappy. Subway is a great chain that never fails to satisfy. It sucks that they keep shoving that retard Jared down our throats, but I won’t hold it against them too much, because I’ll be too busy shoving a turkey and Swiss with extra mayo down it to get too bent out of shape.

Comparison: Derek Fisher
Subway is touted as this healthy alternative to fast food. But read the fine print. You’ll see that their “5 grams of fat” sandwiches are only 5 grams if you get them without cheese or condiments. Add a slice of provolone and some mayo and your ass will soon be growing to epic proportions. And don’t even think about throwing on some chips.
Fisher is the same way. Everyone thinks he’s a good player, and such a good guy. But when you look at the fine print, you see he’s only good if you take away his poor shooting. And his character is only good if you overlook that time he used his kid’s cancer to get out of Utah. Just sayin’. When you take a closer look at reality, Fisher is just like that Sub sandwich without the cheese and mayo: overpriced, bland and unappetizing.

In the end, the comparisons between the NBA and Fast Food are endless. I’m getting hungry. I wonder if Pizza Hut is open at 8 AM.


Rich said...

Arby's: who doesn't enjoy a delicious beef and cheddar. Succulent mounds of roast beef, every meaty peak bursting with flavor, doused in melty,mind-numbingly tasty and beautifully golden, processed cheese.

Comparison: Who am I kidding,I got nuttin'. I just have a hankerin for a beef and cheddar

Boyd said...

Just find a player who is great, but overpriced. shouldn't be hard.

Anonymous said...

Come on rich, Arby's is like Lamar Odom. When you go to Arby's you have so many choices; you can get the roast beef, beef n' cheddar, arby-q, or the ham & Swiss melt. They've got market fresh sandwiches, pitas, mozzarella sticks, sub sandwiches (toasted or untoasted), chicken sandwiches (grilled or crispy), salads, loaded potato bites, onion petals, jalapeno bites, potato cakes, mac & cheezers, and fries (curly or homestyle). Don't even get me started with the breakfast menu because it's got choices galore too. Arby's should have everything you need to start and end your day. This fast food franchise has all the potential in the world, but when it comes right down to it the food just isn't up to snuff.

Enter Lamar Odom. 6 foot 10, 230 pounds and the reach of a 7 footer. He's got explosiveness, athleticism, and unlimited potential. He can play both forward spots, both guard spots, and be the center when Phil runs a small lineup out on the court, but in spite of all this if you knock him to the floor once he will disappear for quarters at a time. He's not aggressive, he's lazy on defense, and he whines like a mule to the officials. Don't get me wrong, when Odom's head is there, he's great, just like when Arby's focused on delicious roast beef and left the jalapeno bites to the Mexican dinner wagons outside in the parking lot, but his head is so often not in the right place that most of the time all you're left with is processed cheese burps for the rest of the day followed by a mild case of diarrhea.

Rich said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rich said...

Andre Kirilenko is over-priced. Much like the expansive menu display from Jim, Andre' has his skills. Defensively off the ball he is great, but not so much at one on one. He is under utilized (in his mind) in the offense of the Jazz and may have a mental melt down and cry in a presser, just like the cheese melts down on that deliciously over priced roast beef.

Che said...

I have to agree with Rich that AK-47 is Arby's. When you're first thinking about good fast food, Arby's is not going to pop up immediately, but then you think, "Wait a minute, Horsey Sauce, seasoned curleys, jamoca shake,, chocolate turnover . . . Arby's sounds pretty damn good!" Same with the Ruskey. At first you're like, "goofy jump shot, bag o' bones, wild, erratic dribble drive." But then you think, "go go Gadget arms, disrupting the pass lanes, great weakside blocks, decent on the ballboards . . . he's pretty damn good." Grant it, AK, like Arby's is overpriced. However, AK can contribute to a game without scoring, just like Arby's can contribute to fast food without offering the hamburger. Also, AK's octopus like arms remind me of that one seasoned curley in every meal that is like a whole potato turned into a fry. That is the best part about Arby's!

Stay sweet -

Shep D said...

What about hardees(carls Jr.)?

Their burgers are the best in the fast food business. Not as seccussful as McD's but give them time and with their burgers being as good as they are they'll be up their.

Comparison: LeBron.

Anonymous said...


They are really really GREAT at a few things (Ultimate Cheeseburger, Pita sandwiches, curly fries, oreo cookie shake).

But often times are hurt (Jack disappeared for how many years?). And don't often offer a full 82 game schedule (salads, baked potatoes, etc.).

Baron Davis for the same reason

Anonymous said...

How heartless and evil does one person have to be to actually use their daughter's cancer to their advantage. Come on, how can people perceive Derek Fisher as that person?

Che said...

Shep d is close, at roughly the same physical size, Hardees will forever be Karl Malone. Some would argue he was the best power forward off all time, just as shep over here would argue that Hardees hamburgers are the greatest. I would disagree with both arguments, but that's neither here nor there. The fact remains that while their greatness is arguable, they will forever be tarnished as not winning the championship. But mainly, The Mailman is Hardees because he used to be their spokesperson and always said it that funny Mailman way, "Hawdees!"

Stay sweet -