Wednesday, October 29, 2008

NBA Teams and Sessy, Sessy Ladies (And Maybe One Or Two Not So Sessy)

We here at the Jockstrap are not in the job of trying to titillate or arouse. That just ain't our thang. But today, I was thinking to myself "Self, if the Celtics were a woman, who would they be?" Why was I thinking that to myself? Lord only knows. So, here is my list comparing NBA teams and sessy, sessy ladies. Note: If your team isn't included here, it is probably because it isn't good enough to be compared, or bad enough to be made fun of. (see Pacers, Indiana). Again, the purpose here is comparison, not necessarily to act like all of the horny dudes in the blogging world.

Los Angeles Lakers: Jessica Alba
The Lakers are the hottest of the hot right now, just like Alba. They have star power, and everyone wants a piece of them. They really don't have any visible flaws. They have a great starting lineup, probably the deepest bench in the league, a great coach, and Kobe Bryant. But, like Alba, they really haven't done anything of substance yet. Sure, they got to the Finals last year, and Alba has had a hit TV show. (see Angel, Dark) Is that really anything to brag about? Both are wildly popular, but until the Lakers make that next step, they will be like Alba, all hotness, but still waiting for that big role.

Boston Celtics: Halle Berry
The Celtics and Berry are the best around right now. The C's won the trophy last year, and Berry won Esquire's most beautiful person in the world award. Both are starting to age, but like a fine wine, seem to get better the older they get. The Celtics have style and substance, flash and grit. Berry has beauty and brains, and has won an Oscar for her acting ability. The Celtics were bad for a number of years, Berry was married to a total douche bag. (see Justice, David)

San Antonio Spurs: Jennifer Aniston
The Spurs, like Aniston, are starting to get older and break down, but still are firmly entrenched in the upper echelon of NBA power/hotness. Aniston has not had much big screen success, but she did have a huge TV show you may have heard of called Friends. The Spurs have never won back-to-back titles, but they have 4 in the last 9 seasons. The Spurs are going to go through a rough patch to start the season without Manu Ginobili, just as Aniston is constantly going through rough patches in her personal life (see Mayer, John), but both will bounce back and be top notch by the end of the year.

New Orleans Hornets: Natalie Portman
The Hornets have arrived and are certainly near the top of the league, just like Portman is no longer an up-and-comer, but has arrived as an actress and sessie lady. Both still have plenty of room to grow. The Hornets can contend for the title for years to come, and Portman could, with the right role, land an Oscar. Both have had moments of stinking it up. The Hornets gave the Spurs the conference semis last year, and Portman was in the 3 horrible movies (see Prequel, Star Wars). If you thought those movies were good, you are a retard. (Someone had to say it, those movies sucked nards)

Utah Jazz: Debra Messing
Here me out on this one. The Jazz are a great team, with a ton of talent and depth. They have great coaching and improving youth. But something is missing and I don't think they can overcome their shortcomings without help. Same for Messing. She is a very talented actress, beautiful and charming. However, there is something holding her back and I predict she will never land the big role. Just like a trade could help the Jazz, there is outside help that Messing could seek that could put her into the hotness stratosphere. (see Jobs, Nose and Boob)

Detroit Pistons: Rosie O'Donnell
The Pistons aren't any fun to watch, but you can't deny they get the job done and have been completely successful. You keep thinking (and probably hoping) that they will go away and die, but they don't. Same with Rosie. She ain't pretty and she ain't hot, but she sure is successful. You thought she was gone after her talk show ended, but nope, then she was on The View giving housewives ideas on how to revolt against their husbands and duking it out with Donald Trump. She's gone for now, but will be back, you can count on it. I'm guessing that only people from Detroit like the Pistons, but I could be wrong. I could be wrong about the only segment of people that I think like Rosie as well. (see Lesbians, Total)

Houston Rockets: Britney Spears
Don't call it a comeback. I saw Britney Spears recently, and I have to say wow. She's actually starting to look good again. She's fatally flawed, of course, but if she can recapture her looks maybe she can be relevant again. The Rockets are similar. They have lost in the first round for like 10 straight years, but now, with a little help from Ron Artest, they should make that streak end. But just like you know something will eventually derail Britney Spears (see Daniels, Jack) you know something will eventually derail the Rockets. (see Artest, Ron)

Phoenix Suns: Lindsay Lohan
Phoenix remains an intriguing team, but realistically, they aren't going to contend for the title. They made too many bad transactions, the worst being letting Joe Johnson sign with the Hawks. Add in the Shaq trade, trading away Rajon Rondo, that Spaniard for the Trailblazers whose name slips me at the moment, and re-signing Boris Diaw, and Suns fans should be filled with regret. You get the same feeling when you think of Lohan. Is she still hot? Yes. Does she still have acting talent? Maybe. However, bad decisions (see panties, not wearing), drugs, and a bad family have probably cost her a shot as a legitimate actress. The moment was there for each of these, but has now passed.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Jennifer Lopez
The Cavs and J-Lo are still hot, but they both really only have one thing going for them. But that one thing is amazing. The Cavs have LeBron James, the best player in the league, and Jennifer Lopez has her amazing pillow, er butt. Sure, J-Lo has an otherwise nice face and overall beauty, and LeBron has a few good pieces around him in Mo Williams and Zydrunas Ilgauskus, but they also have negative things that cannot be overlooked. (see Anthony, Mark and Brown, Mike)

Dallas Mavericks: Heather Locklear
Oh, the past. Dallas was just one game away from being the Champs a few short years ago, but now it looks as if that won't happen any time soon. And poor Heather Locklear. Even 2 years ago she still looked amazing. But have you seen her lately? Looks like someone used her all up and threw her out to die. (see Sambora, Richie). Both should still be respected for past performance, but rather than fade gracefully, it appears that both are destined to crash and burn.

Denver Nuggets: Fergie
Both of these have the ability to excite. Both have some undeniable talent. But just as Denver really only has 2 things going for it in AI and Carmello Anthony, Fergie only has 2 good things going for her. I'll leave what those things are up to your powers of deduction. Let's just say Fergie is the ultimate butterface. She's got the body, but if you ever get a look at her face, you'll see that the years and some past decisions have not been kind to her. (see amphetamine, meth)

Los Angeles Clippers: Anna Nicole Smith
The Clips seem to have a lot of the requisite parts for success. They have the talented point guard, Baron Davis, some good young wings, Al Thornton and Eric Gordon, good bigs Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby. It won't work, though. They are the Clippers after all. They are, like Anna Nichole Smith a hot, hot mess. Smith had the beauty and the body, the successful modelling career,etc, but she was just too damned stupid for her own good. Did you ever see her show? Wow. Talk about train wreck.Looks like the Clippers are headed back where they belong (see Lottery, NBA Draft).

New York Knicks: Angela Lansbury
Yes, I'm comparing the Knicks to an old fart grandma who starred in Murder, She Wrote. I'm not even sure Angela Landsbury is still alive frankly, and I'm pretty sure the Knicks aren't far from death either. The Knicks, like Lansbury, have never been sexy, not even during the Ewing years when they played an effective, but unwatchable brand of basketball. If I were a Knicks fan, I don't know what I'd do. (see Empire State Building, Leap From)

I could go on and on, but hope, as usual, that you will come up with some and comment on the article. I've gotta give a shout out to my man Rich. His perverted mind was a great aid in coming up with this posting. You can read him here.




8 comments:

And One said...

Cavs as J-Lo. I can live with that.

Anonymous said...

LeBron the best player in the league? lol ..

Che said...

Boyd, I loved your post! I have thought long and hard (that's what she said) about it and I'm removing my lips from your arse long enough to give you this tasty morsel. . .

The Portland Trailblazers are Scarlette Johansen. Both have extremely bright futures, Scarlet is one of the few new beauties that is critically acclaimed as having serious talent, and the Blazers were a few wins from the playoffs last year sans their #1 pick, 45-year-old center. Skarlet is considered by industry standards a "good girl", while the Blazers have successfully shed their Jailblazers persona. And there is enough beauty in both to safely project them as top 5 for years to come. However, in the present, both are prone to getting caught looking less than pretty and sometimes down right bad (see Josh Hartnet, party pictures with and Lakers, season opener against). Chalk it up to growing pains. With either, there is one strong and glaring reality - both are stacked!!

Stay sweet -

P.s. How do the Celtics factor in to Halle Berry's innate crazy? I mean, Ricky Davis is long gone!

Anonymous said...

BCs the Celtics have Darius Miles. That innately crazy enuff for ya?

Anonymous said...

The Timberwolves = Tara Reid, once a threat to make it big, but just too many dumb mistakes picking bad movies (draft picks) and a bad agent (Kevin McHale). Trying desperately to put it back together with a decent travel show (Al Jefferson), this babe just won't excite until she gets a new agent (fire McHale) and picks a quality role (get some f'n talent around Jefferson.

Todd
Minneapolis

patrice said...

This is the worst excuse for writing seen in the past few years. A lazy moron who'd write that he doesn't even know if Angela Lansbury is still alive when a 5 second search would bring the answer, and takes the easy and amateurish route by writing rude comments about the celebrities.
That such a jackass gets a link from si.com is indicative of the times in which we live.

Che said...

Todd,
I like the comparison, and maybe Sam Cassell and Latrell Sprewell could be the botched boob job and lyposuction Tara has yet to recover from. Both were brought in with such high hopes as an enhancement to the overall talent/beauty; however, both turned ugly very quickly, became a horrible distraction, and have since been erased from their respective franchise. Either way, they were physically ugly as sin!

And Patrice,
The hell are you!?! This is high quality creativity over here! Quit raining on our celebrity parade!

Phil said...

hey Patrice you are like the grizzlies. You suck and you like getting your hair pulled if you know what I mean. Who cares enough to look up the status of ol Angie Lansberry. reconize