Monday, November 10, 2008

Best Nickname, Part II

T-Bone had a recent article with his top nicknames. You can find that posting here. Some of his choices I agree with, some I don't. (The Mailman is an awesome, awesome nickname, bro. Get the net.) The fact is, this topic is a wealth of amazing names, so here come a few of my own personal favorites.

Chocolate Thunder-Darryl Dawkins
This nickname is so good for so many reasons. Dawkins was a master of thunderous dunks and he was black, thus "Chocolate Thunder." Dawkins broke many a glass backboard in his days and was probably responsible for the invention of the breakaway rim. Dawkins had so many monstruous hammer dunks, that he even came up with fancy names for them, my favorite being the In-Your-Face Disgrace. Also, he claimed to be from the planet Lovetron. In other words, Darryl was insane. Lastly, this is a favorite because when I think of Chocolate Thunder, I think of crapping my pants. To me, that is what the true chocolate thunder really is.

The Iron Horse-Lou Gehrig
You gotta like any nickname with metal in it. Iron, copper, brass, gold, platinum, molybdenum, you name it. Lou Gehrig of course got the "Iron" part of his nickname because of his consecutive games played streak. I could guess where he got the "Horse" part from, but this is a PG-13 Blog. When I think of actually riding an Iron Horse, it makes my own horse-like nuggets hurt.

The Round Mound of Rebound-Charles Barkley
This is so much better than "Sir Charles." I mean, basically it was the sports media calling a dude fat, but also paying homage to his rebounding skills. Barkley wasn't even that fat when he played, yet he got dubbed the Round Mound. I'm surprised David Wells never got a good fat related nickname, by the way.

Dinner Bell Mel/The Mealman-Mel Turpin
Continuing the trend of fat man related nicknames, you probably have never heard of, or don't remember Mel Turpin, but he was a fat sandwich who played for Cleveland, Utah and Washington in the 80's. Mel was one of the biggest (pun intended) draft busts in history, not because he didn't have ability, but because he was so fat that he physically couldn't hack it in the NBA. People like this (Tractor Traylor comes to mind), who can't stop their damn eating for a few seasons really make me sad. Please, Glen Davis, stay Big Baby and don't become Bigger Baby. You already struggle to jump a phone book.

Mr. October-Reggie Jackson
You gotta love it when your nickname comes from being a clutch playoff performer. Reggie may have struck out more than anybody in the history of baseball, but he didn't strike out in the nickname department as this one is awesome.

Mr. Clutch-Jerry West
Again, like Reggie Jackson, this is an awesome name to have. First off, we have repeat of the clutchness theme, and second, we have usage of the word "Mr." It's pretty cool when people call you Mr. as part of your nickname. As for Mr. Clutch, it's good because people are basically saying "we can't describe you in any way but to say that you are great when it matters most." Mr. Clutch couldn't beat Mr. Bill Russell enough to be more than "Mr. One Time Champion," though, so suck it, Laker fan.

Mr. May-Dave Winfield
This one is great because it is exactly the opposite of Mr. October. Winfield also played for the Yanks, where he was awful in the World Series. That old bastard George Stienbrenner gave Winfield this nickname himself. It's splendid because it uses "Mr." very mockingly.

The Microwave-Vinny Johnson
I hated the Bad Boy Pistons, but you've gotta give Vinny credit for earning this nickname. Dude would come in off the bench and start lighting fools up. He could heat up instantly, just like a...microwave.

Fat Elvis-Lance Berkman
This is great because Lance is fat and looks like Elvis. Sometimes things just work out magically and this is one of those times. I'll tell you what, if someone started calling me Fat Elvis, I sure wouldn't rock Elvis sideburns like Berkman does. He deserves a lot of credit for that. Only in baseball could you have a talented player be compared to the Fat Elvis, rather than the thin Elvis. See, in real sports you can't be a fat lard and be good at them. Just saying. Let's just pray that in the latter years of his career Berkman doesn't end up dead and sweaty.

Bert "Be Home By Eleven" Blyleven
Chris Berman is neither here nor there for me, and his nicknames are usually dumb, but for some reason, this one sticks with me as particularly amusing. I can't explain it. Blyleven is such an awful last name to have, but Berman managed to put an amusing spin on it. Did you ever see the time Blyleven said all those F-bombs on live TV? Look that up, bro, it's very entertaining.

Mrs Doubtfire-Colin Montgomery
I didn't want to go to golf, and I refuse to go to Hockey, but this one is too good to pass up. It's funny on so many levels. Monty sucks in America, giving him the impression of being a softy, and he also kind of looks like Mrs. Doubtfire with his big old man-boobs and curly hair. Thanks, Monty. You're always good for a laugh.

Ghosts of Vick's Dog's
This was the name of an opponent of mine in Fantasy Football the year after the Michael Vick incident and I thought it was an instant classic. Bye


Anonymous said...

Boyd, your nickname is Mr. Awesome Face. LOL!

Che said...

In honor of nicknames, I would like to share the top nicknames given to me by the Benefactor, Boyd:

Mr. Consistency - this nickname was given me after a heated Yahtzee tournament in which I stayed within 15 points of 200 each and every game. Heated, multi-game Yahtzee tournament you ask? Did I mention it was held in Buenos Aires, Argentina?

The Quesiton - this is my basketball given nickname. The logic being that if Allen Iverson is the Answer, I must be the Question.

Rapmaster Kung Fu - this is my free style rap nickname - I'm pretty damn good.

Gay retard - this seems to be my every-day life nickname when I'm hanging out with Boyd. Sticks and stones, Boyd, sticks and stones.