Thoughts from the Jockstrap

The Time Has Come

2009-01-26T12:58:00.001-08:00

We've been talking about it for a number of weeks, and we are finally ready to jump to our new site:

www.thoughtsfromthejockstrap.com

We'd like to thank the 60,000 people who have checked out this blog over the past 8 months and hope you can all bookmark the new site. And please, cotinue to add your comments, post in the forums, and make the Strap a good place to read sports opinions. Thanks for everything.

Jazz Fan

2009-01-22T09:58:00.000-08:00

Living in Salt Lake City for the majority of my life has put me in position to get to know an incredibly strange and intriguing member of our little sports world: Jazz Fan. Jazz Fan is a great and endless source of entertainment to me and I appreciate him for it.

If you ever read national basketball columnists, experts, and bloggers, they all seem to agree that Jazz Fan is one of the most rabid around the NBA. Energy Solutions Arena is consistently one of the loudest, most difficult places for other teams to play. The basketball writers all seem to agree on another thing: that Jazz Fan isn't very knowledgeable. How they come to that conclusion, I don't know. I only know that they go to games around the whole league in many different arenas and all seem to agree that Jazz Fan doesn't know his shit. In knowing and interacting with Jazz Fan on a day to day basis, I would have to agree. But you know what bugs me most about Jazz Fan? The Persecution Complex they all seem to have. Here are a few major themes of that Complex:

1. The Refs Hate Us: Most fans probably think this, but Jazz Fan takes it to a whole other level. I can't even go to the Energy Solutions Arena anymore because all it consists of is me listening to the fans bitch the ENTIRE GAME about the officiating. This seems more important to them than the score or really any other factor in the arena that night. This is especially true when facing Kobe Bryant. See, the NBA has a conspiracy to keep the Jazz out of the finals because it wants Kobe Bryant and the Lakers in the finals. Or something like that.

2. Nobody Respects Us: Come on already, anybody who knows anything about the NBA and it's history highly respects the Utah Jazz organization. David Stern recently named owner Larry H Miller one of the best 3 owners over his time as commissioner on a Bill Simmons podcast. Just because you aren't on National TV a lot doesn't mean no one respects you, it means that you don't have any huge stars and you aren't elite enough to be on TV over many teams. (Boston-elite team. LA-elite team, plus Kobe Bryant, Cleveland-LeBron James and so on.)

3. John Stockton is the best pure point guard ever/is better than Isiah Thomas: Stop it. Putting emphasis on the word pure will never make John Stockton better at point guard than Magic Johnson. Never. Ever. Ever. The only thing Stockton did better than Magic was outside shooting. He wasn't a better passer or better defender. And don't give me the assists record or the steals record. Both are longevity records, which are always overrated. The assists record is lame and I think assists are the most overrated stat in sports, but I digress. (PS-Magic averaged more assists per game than Stock.) As for the steals record, Stockton was an average on-ball defender who had to rely on trickiness after he got beaten to get so many steals. Jazz Fan forgets that game after game the opposing point guard lit the Jazz up. They should have nightmares of Gary Payton, Jason Kidd, Isaih Thomas, and especially Kevin Johnson. People seem to be fairly divided on the Isiah/Stockton debate. Look at this list. 8 of 14 experts put Isiah over Stockton, but it is a good debate. Now, I would put Stockton above Isiah barely, but Jazz fan thinks it's a slam dunk and can't believe Isiah is even in the conversation. I mean, come on, Stockton is the all-time leader in assists.

4. Karl Malone is the best Power Forward of All-Time: Amazingly, I find in my conversations that most Jazz Fans think that Stockton was a better player than Malone, which I can't even fathom. Take Stockton off the team and the Jazz were still a solid playoff team because of Malone. Take Malone off the team and the Jazz were pure lottery. Who was Stockton going to get all those assists to, Blue Edwards? I put Karl Malone at #2 all-time, behind Tim Duncan. Jazz Fan tends to forget about Tim Duncan in this discussion. But mad props to Karl Malone, by far the best player to ever don the Jazz uniform. I wonder if Karl drops to number 3 if KG can lead Boston to another title or 2.

5. Deron Williams is better than Chris Paul: This is the worst one, and I have to hear about on local sports radio all the time. Now, head to head, Deron Williams plays very well against Chris Paul and has usually gotten the best of their match ups. His size seems to really disrupt Paul. But you can't judge a player based on one match up, and Chris Paul causes more problems league wide that Williams does. There just isn't a single thing that Willams does better than CP3. Paul is a better shooter, passer, rebounder, defender, is more efficient, and seems to me to be the better overall leader, taking a team of no-names (who ever heard of David West before Paul got there?) and previous misfits (Tyson Chandler) and leading them to 50 win seasons.

Those are the major things I've heard about over the last 30 years. But that list isn't everything. Let's not forget the following things heard over the years:

Bryon Russell is going to be an All-Star this year. (heard every year during the mid 90's. Number of All-Star bids: The same number I've had)

Michael Jordan pushed Russel out of the way in the NBA Finals. (he did, but they don't call that at the end of the game, and don't forget that Malone got away with a "bear hug" pick on Charles Barkley on that classic shot that sent Utah to the finals.)

Carlos Boozer is tanking it and should be traded(despite the surgery on his knee)

Karl Malone is a traitor for going to LA his last year (even though Utah made it clear they didn't want him back.)

Jerry Sloan marches a group of scrubs to the playoffs every year (only the years he's had All-Stars)

If Utah was in the East, they would take the #1 seed every year (heard the last 4-5 years.)

Jerry Sloan should be coach of the year (this one is true. Sloan has been cornholed a number of times on this one, but make no mistake, everyone in the world respects the shit out of Sloan.)

Anyway deep down inside I love Jazz Fan. He may say insane things and be delusional about the Jazz' chances year in-year out, but he is true blue, and for that I salute him.

So Sorry

2009-01-21T15:06:00.000-08:00

That we haven't been updating this week. We are making the jump to our new website and don't want to use our ideas up so that the new site can get started on the right foot. Anyway, please keep checking this site to get info about the new site.

BYE

Shaq Nicknames

2009-01-16T14:53:00.000-08:00

Shaquille O'Neal is at it again. After showing some improvement in the area of freethrow shooting (he actually hit 11 in a row over the course of two games and is shooting like 69% over his last 100 chucks [which for him is a molten lava hot streak]) Shaquille gave himself yet another nickname, Shaqovic. His reasoning for his latest nickname is that all of the best shooters in the NBA have a last name that ends with "vich"(Stojakovic, Radmanovic, Vujacic, etc.).

I have to admit that the big fella is funny and often times very creative when it comes to giving himself nicknames. Over the years he has dubbed himself "Shaq," "The Diesel," "Shaq Fu," "The Big Aristotle," "The Big Daddy," "Superman," "The Big Agave," "The Big Cactus," "The Big Shaqtus," "The Big Galactus," "Wilt Chamberneezy," "The Big Baryshnikov," "The Real Deal," and "Dr. Shaq" (after earning his MBA). His back yard at his Miami mansion had a water slide and a tiki-bar and so he named it Shaqapulco.

SportsCenter ran a story on this last week and asked viewers to come up with their own nicknames for Shaq. All I can say is that the list was lame as lame can be and for this reason I started thinking of my own nicknames for the great Shaquille O'Neal.

1. ShaqDonalds: Take a look at some rookie footage of Shaq on YouTube and you will see that he has done nothing but eat since he made it into the NBA. I thought he was fat when he played for LSU, but dude looks like he did that experiment from the movie Supersize Me where he had to eat at least one of everything from the McDonald's menu in thirty days only his experiment has spanned 16 seasons. Is he still good? Yes. Is he one of the best? Yes. Is he twice the size he used to be? Hell yes. Step away from the Big Shaq, Fillet O'Neal, and the Sham-Shaq-shake and mix in a salad big guy.

2. Radio Shaq: I thought this one would have been a gimmie during Shaq's ill advised rap career. Albums included Shaq Diesel, Shaq-Fu: Da Return, You Can't Stop the Reign, Respect, and the Best of Shaquille O'Neal. That's right folks, he has a "best of" CD. My favorite lyric you ask? Simple: "I flow like a stream, better yet a river. You need to call me Mailman 'cause Karl can't deliver." Brilliant Radio Shaq, brilliant.

3. The Big Heart-A-Shaq: It's not nice to say, but let's face it, dudes this huge do not live long lives. If he is as big as he is playing basketball and working out almost every day of his life what is he going to look like when he retires? A black Andre the Giant that's what. Before he is 50 years old he is going to die of a massive heat-a-Shaq just like Andre and the saddest thing will be that Andre will have died the better actor.

I was going to put up a top five, but I see now that most of my nicknames for Shaq are weight related, so I will stop here. Feel free to give me your ideas. I only ask that you bring it harder than the ESPN audience that could come up with nothing better than "the Big Fella". Please. I know that this has been a little short, but I've really got to go take a Shaq. Peace.

Who is the best NFL player you've ever seen?

2009-01-15T11:48:00.000-08:00

Who is the best NFL player you've ever seen? I ask this question because every national radio show I listen to this week is debating whether or not Larry Fitzgerald is now the best receiver in the NFL. I say yes, but it got me thinking about who would be the best NFL player I have ever seen. I'm relatively young, so my history doesn't go back to guys like Jim Brown, Gale Sayers, Roger Staubach, etc., but I have seen Joe Montana, John Elway, Walter Payton, Emmitt Smith, Jerry Rice, Lawrence Taylor, and Ronnie Lott. But none of those guys would get my vote because Barry Sanders is the best football player I have ever seen. As icing on the cake, he was also the best player I ever used on Tecmo Super Bowl too (with apologies to Bo Jackson and QB-Eagles, who both contend for that crown). If anyone reading this has seen Jim Brown, please post who you think is better and why, because I can't imagine a better back than Barry.

I used to look forward to Thanksgiving day just so I could watch Barry Sanders play football. The Lions weren't on television too often (especially since the market I live in plays mostly the Broncos and 49ers) and I always expected something amazing. Barry had a way of making people look stupid that I've never seen anyone else come close to, other than maybe Reggie Bush in college. Barry never rushed for under 1,100 yards in a season and averaged over 1,500 yards per season. His lowest season total (1,115) came when he missed the last 5 games with an injury.

He had 14 straight games of 100+ yards in 1997, an NFL record. He fumbled only 41 times in his career - only once per 83 touches (for a reference point, Jim Brown fumbled once every 43 touches). Barry played on a crappy team and he was the only weapon; he didn't have an Aikman or Irvin to distract the defense. And he still did stuff like this:

The quality isn't great, but you get the point. If you want more check this one out (notice the crazy juke on 51 in the second one). He could stop on a dime, break ankles, and spin at full speed. He had defenders looking foolish and leaving their straps on the field on a regular basis. I'm not saying Barry Sanders is the best football player of all time, but he is the best I've ever seen. What's your take?

Levels Of Geekdom

2009-01-14T09:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life gives you a glimpse into the secret chambers of another man's heart, and that glimpse is usually one which makes you glad to be yourself. I have recently had one such experience.

There is a new guy who started working at my office a few weeks ago. He is a jolly soul, and while not pushing 3 bills like myself, is quite stout and girthy with a big laugh and a quirky sense of humor. He has come by my office several times to discuss "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story" (which I strongly recommend) and other comedies of that ilk. Needless to say, I've taken a wee bit of a shine to him and dare say that he has done the same with me.

Anyway, the other day I went over to his office to see what he was doing and I noticed that he had a number of oddities hanging on his wall and sitting on his shelves, namely: Action figures of Optimus Prime, He-Man and Battle Cat in full armour, several GI Joe figurines as well as a tank or some sort of vehicle, and a poster with Sergeant Slaughter. Initially I thought this was pretty cool and asked him why he had these relics of childhood. He replied that he likes to collect 80's toys and memorabilia.

This lead to a 3 hour discussion where I came to learn that my friend has every Star Wars toy from the original series, something like 80% of the GI Joe toys, and several other toys from that time period. Indeed, he has taken his toys up to the mountains and taken action photography with them and posted them on a website, this website, in fact. Now, we looked around and found that my friend was just the tip of the iceberg for GI Joe photography, with some even photo shopping fake missiles and fire and such coming from the toy planes.

At this point, I asked my friend if he owned any swords and if so did he know that the next logical step would be for him to go to the park, dress up in chain mail armor, get some 20 sided dice and act some shit out. He couldn't even believe that I would suggest that as a course of action, letting me know that what he did and what the people who dress up in chain mail do aren't even remotely comparable. He claims it is like comparing apples and oranges. They are "totally different levels of Geekdom." Are they, friend? Are they? He offered some explanation about how collecting Military Toys is nothing like getting dressed up in Knights armor and chanting in Latin, but to me, they are quite similar. Not in theme, but in obsession and mania.

After some good natured ribbing, a trip to my Mom's house to get my old toys, and a back rub with scented oils, minus the back rub with scented oils, my friend went home and left me thinking. I have a few beliefs in life, (one of them being that every man craps his pants at least once a year. Now, it might not be a full-on crapping, but he at least sharts once per year and if he denies it, he's lying.) And now, after my discussion with my cohort, I've decided that I have a new belief: Everyone has at least a little geek in them. But not everyone is prepared to learn Elf languages or Klingon and not all Geeks are dangerous, so to help you sort out who is who, here is a brief run-down of my 3 Levels Of Geekdom:

Level 1: General Geek
Most people fall into this level. Level One includes any of your basically acceptable nerdiness: lower level collections, obsessions with video games/sports/fashion/television, basically anything that you don't want other people to find out about unless you trust them. This may include the eating of boogers, making an NBA Live Team out of all Old Testament Characters (i.e. Habakkuk and Moses) having pictures of cars or half-naked women on your garage walls, really just the usual things that are geeky, but overall socially acceptable. It is important to know that there are sub-levels included in the major levels, but I'll let some geek with more time than I have fill you in on what those are. Derek. Level 1 Geeks can generally be trusted, and are not dangerous.

Level 2: Fantasy Geek
Level Two is really just the taking of a healthy enjoyment of a hobby and raising it to a whole other, scarier level. Collecting baseball cards is one thing, and is certainly geeky, but then pulling the cards out, getting 6 dice and trying to come up with a formula that will, in tandem with said cards, calculate how many strikeouts Ed Johnson had in his eighth season, and then having debates with yourself over if he would make the Hall of Fame after his career ends (Yes, he would), is an entirely different thing. Level 2's collect things and never remove them from the original packaging, buy special computers to run their video games they play for hours on end, and have thought about going to a Star Trek Convention, but have never done so. Level 2's are usually safe, but when they are on the verge of becoming Level 3 or are displaying Level 3 type behaviors, they should be avoided as they may have just bought a Ninja Star and are certainly on the edge of using it.

Level 3: Get Out and Do It Geek
This is by far the most disturbing and subsequently most humorous level of Geekdom. This is when you decide that just knowing all the facts about the French and Indian War aren't enough, no, you need to collect some black powder muskets, the pelts of animals, and go to a re-enactment of said war. And when you are out roughing it, you certainly can't use toilet paper, pussy. You need to use leaves and shrubs to get your arse clean. Of course there is a lot of variation in this level, with your Low-Level 3's being Trekkies and people who dress up as Albus Dumbledore for the premier of the new Harry Potter movies, and your Upper-Level 3's who are usually just multiple offenders or Double Dippers in Geekdom(trekkies mixed with civil-war re-enactment, World of Warcraft players who also actually like the last 2 hours of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy etc.) Be very cautious when speaking to and especially mocking Upper-Level 3's as you must remember they probably have a Katana and iron breastplate at home and they are definitely closer to using them in real life than you would imagine.

Well, now that you are armed with this knowledge, I hope you can diagnose yourself honestly, and keep yourself and your loved ones safe from harm.
Live Long and Prosper.

The BCS is Awesome.

2009-01-12T23:12:00.000-08:00

I mean it. I know Boyd says poo on the BCS, but come on, it's awesome. What other sport has you pissing and moaning about who deserves to be called the best days (and probably weeks) after the final game was played? I don't remember anyone talking about how the Patriots should have actually been the NFL champs, or the Lakers as the NBA champs. This is what makes the BCS so great: it is consistently debated and no one ever stops talking about it.

Utah and Texas fans are up in arms right now because they got "screwed by the BCS." If college football had a plus-1 (as everyone seems to be pimping right now) the Utes wouldn't have even gotten in. So, a full playoff would be great. But how many teams? 8? 12? 16? There is always going to be some complaint in college football, so why not let the complaining be about the BCS and who gets hosed every year? It makes for great debate. I can sit around with my friends and debate the BCS for hours. With a playoff, it would be something like this: Well, I figured Florida would win and they did. Captivating. I'd rather debate what would happen if Utah played Florida or USC than discuss who just won a playoff. For my money, the BCS gives us something extra to talk about, something to get irate about.

Everyone wants some kind of a playoff, but how often does the best team win a single-elimination playoff? Was Kansas truly the best team in college basketball last year? Were the Giants really the best team in the NFL? Does anyone really think the Cardinals, Eagles, Ravens or Steelers is the best team in the league this season? Mostly just their own fans. The NBA and MLB both do it right - a series. You can't really make the argument that the Celtics weren't the best team in the NBA last year because they had to go through 4 series' in order to win the trophy. But, the Giants as the best team in the NFL last year after the season the Patriots had? No - the sun shines on every dog's a$ at least once. The G men played their best game of the season when it mattered. It doesn't mean they were the best team in the NFL, but they were crowned champions. In a 7-game series, the Pats win in 6 max. But without it, the 10-6 Giants get the crown. But at least they had to go through a playoff, right?

If a college football playoff could be done that included at least 8 teams, it would be awesome. I can only assume the ratings would be through the roof. But how do you decide who gets in? Each of the BCS conferences get one team in and the other two are at-large? If that's the case this year, then eligible for the two at-large spots would be Utah (12-0), Alabama (12-1), Texas (11-1), The Ohio State (10-2), Boise State (12-0), and Texas Tech (11-1). Who do you leave out? Or do you just put in the top 8 teams regardless (not irregardless) of conference affiliation? Personally, I think that would be awesome, but current BCS conferences would throw a hissy fit and Notre Dame would find some way to buy themselves a guaranteed spot using NBC's money. But would a playoff like this (or any kind) put a damper on the regular season? That's what all these college football experts keep saying - the BCS makes the regular season mean something. Would a playoff change that? Would it become like college basketball, where only the die-hard fans pay attention before the tourney starts, or would it increase in popularity and build on the already growing fan base?

The point is, nothing in college football is ever going to work. Maybe they should go half an NCAA basketball tournament - a 32 (.5) team playoff. At least that way the only team whining would be #33, and no one gives a deuce about them. The BCS allows the controversy that is college football to be put on display all season long, most especially for one week in early January for everyone to watch. It's not perfect, but it sure makes for some good debate. The BCS is awesome.

The BSC Sucks!

2009-01-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

Just kidding. You thought I was going to write another posting about the BCS and what a horrible thing it is. The best part is that a few of you probably even got a little bit excited about it. I am laughing at you, not with you.

See, this whole BCS thing is so played out that I don't want to hear another damn word about it until next season. And so this is the last sentence I will write about the BCS until next college football season: Poo on the BCS.

Now, on to an observation. I was watching 1st and 10 on ESPN last week when they had Lil' Wayne as their guest for the debate part of the program with the semi-retarded Skip Bayless. Now, I can't say that I like or dislike Mr. Lil' Wayne's music as I frankly haven't heard much of it, but I was a little surprised to see him on the show. He was dressed in a very casual, conservative manner. Of course, one could never overlook the diamond encrusted teeth or the multiple facial tattoos, but otherwise, Lil' Wayne looked like a normal dude.

I have to say I was surprised because this normally audacious, flamboyant rap star was a gentle, quiet, reserved fellow, with a ton of sports knowledge. In fact, he picked all four of this weekend's NFL playoff games correctly. Of course, I was scratching my head when he picked Arizona, but dude got it right. The best was that at one point he said something to the effect that Lendell White is not good and has done nothing impressive and that the Ravens would beat the Titans.

So props to Lil' Wayne. That's it for today. Bye.

To BCS or not to BCS? That is the Question.

2009-01-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

So the NCAA College Football season is over, the Bowls have been played out, and the Poll votes have been cast. Now that it's all over, I have to tell you, I'm a little disappointed with the results. Florida beat Oklahoma 24-14 in a sloppy, boring BCS Championship game last night, and only 16 voters had the sack to vote Utah #1 in the AP poll this morning after they dominated Alabama, who held the nation's top ranking for most of the season, 31-17 in the Sugar Bowl last week. I find this whole BCS mess very sad and I'll tell you why.

It seems that most of the national media and most of the coaches, especially those who's conference champions are excluded from an automatic BCS bowl bid (i.e. the Mountain West), do not like the BCS. Every time I turn on SportsCenter I hear this guy or that guy talking about a playoff and how that is the only way to escape from the ambiguity, confusion, and conjecture that the BCS system always seems to generate. But the problem is, when these same guys who complain about the system have a chance to stir things up and actually make a statement by going against the BCS and voting in a national champion that does not fall in line with the BCS's chosen champ, they don't have the guts to do it. And if ever there was a year for them to do this it was this year.

The University of Utah beat five teams that were ranked in the top 25 when they played them (Michigan, Oregon State, TCU, BYU, and Alabama). Of those five teams only one (Michigan) turned out to be a stinker. The other four are still ranked in the top 25 in the AP poll. The Mountain West, long considered a mediocre conference, has three teams in the top 25 and Air Force also proved to be a quality program capable of scoring points in bunches. Utah beat Oregon State who beat USC. Utah killed Alabama who Florida struggled to beat. And of all the reasons for AP voter to vote Utah number one: the fact that Utah was the only team in America that beat every single one of their opponents. 13-0 is a big statement and the Utes are the only team that can make it.

Sportscasters, writers, and coaches do not like to take chances that might make them look foolish in the eyes of their peers. They don't want to predict upsets. When they fill out their March Madness brackets they all go with the chalk. It's an understandable behavior. For example, in last years NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament nobody filled out their bracket with the 10th seeded Davidson Wildcats beating 7th seeded Gonzaga, 2nd seeded Georgetown, 3rd seeded Wisconsin, and narrowly losing (57-59) to number 1 seeded, and eventual national champion, Kansas. Did anybody take any flack for not advancing Davidson to the elite eight in their bracket? Hell no. Gonzaga should have taken care of them in the first round because they were ranked higher and thus the better team. Right?

That's why the NCAA Basketball tournament is such a beautiful thing. They play the games because, as history has shown, you never know what's going to happen until you play the games. Did anybody outside of the State of Utah think that the Utes were going to win the Sugar Bowl? There was no way a crappy team for the weak Mountain West Conference was going to beat a powerhouse from the SEC. Almost unanimously the nation's media has dubbed the SEC the most physical conference in the country and Alabama this year was that conference's most physical team. The SEC has more money, better facilities, better recruits, better coaches, better starters, and better back ups than the Mountain West. The SEC is bigger, faster, stronger, and more athletic than the MWC. There wasn't one player on the Utah team upon which Alabama would have spent one recruiting dollar. Everybody knows that. But when they actually played the game Utah beat seven shades of shit out of the Crimson Tide and that's why the BCS sucks.

In a playoff all of the biases, speculation, and discrimination can be washed away. Teams can actually line up and decide who is better by their play on the field. The final score decides who the National Champion is not a computer program. But it is what it is. Florida finished #1 and Utah was voted #2 in the AP poll because too many people were worried about what everyone else would think. The Utes ended up #4 in the Coaches Poll and Florida received all but one first place votes. Coaches are required by rule to vote for the BCS champion, but one coach bucked against the system and voted Utah #1 (God bless you Kyle Whittingham).

And here is the most confusing thing of all. Florida is the National Champion in both the AP Poll and the Coaches' Poll, but if you look at the final BCS Rankings, after all the bowl games have been played, 2 loss Oklahoma is still ranked #1 with Florida (who beat OKU) at #2! Does any of this make sense to anyone?

Oh well, what else can I say that hasn't already been said. Congratulations Florida on your retarded "National Championship", I guess.

P.S. Phil, the "Roll Tide" cake that you brought to our Sugar Bowl party was delicious. Thanks.

Predictions for 2009

2009-01-05T23:01:00.000-08:00

By the end of the week we should have this site revamped because we are expanding a bit. Of course we want to thank everyone who has kept up with us so far and we hope you keep coming to see what we have to spew at you next.

Everyone seems to make New Year’s resolutions when the calendar flips to January. I made a couple this year, but my prediction is that I won’t accomplish any of them for more than a month. So instead of making a New Year’s resolution post, here are some predictions for 2009. Most of them are predictions, but some of them are things that I just want to happen. As always, feel free to add what you expect to see.

Brett Farve will retire. Please.

Now that I have my required anti-Farve comment out of the way, 2009 will also bring the following:

The BCS will screw someone next year, just like it did to Texas and Utah this year.

Joe Paterno will make it through the entire year. Not just his job, but his life too.

The Utah Utes will finish third in the Mountain West in football, as they are typically accustomed to under Kyle Whittingham.

If Tim Tebow decides to stay in school, the Gators will go undefeated next season and Tebow will win his second Heisman trophy.

An important college football trend will continue: players will continue to hold up four fingers to let people know when the fourth quarter is beginning. We lay people appreciate that.

The Detroit Lions will show marked improvement by going 3-13 next season. Just for the record, I was on the bandwagon for the Lions unblemished season pretty early on this season. I knew they could do it.

Reggie Bush will again not reach 1,000 yards rushing.

The Seattle Seahawks will return to their rightful place as perennial NFC West champs.

The Cowboys will implode and TO will light the fuse.

The New York Yankees will make the playoffs only to lose in the first round.

The New York Mets will make the playoffs only to lose in the first round.

North Carolina will not win the NCAA basketball championship this year. I’m not sure who will win it, but it won’t be UNC. Or Duke.

Stephen Curry will hang 50 on someone.

The Boston Celtics will beat the Lakers in the NBA Finals. Again. It’ll go 7 this time, but Boston will pull it out. Again. (unlike on Christmas, when the Lakers defeated the Celtics. Jim has mentioned this in past posts, so I'll leave it at that...)

I will finally admit that LeBron James is better than Kobe Bryant. I still can’t do it yet.

Jim and Boyd will continue to be firmly planted on Paul Pierce’s jockstrap.

Utah Utes-2009 NCAA Champions?

2009-01-05T09:55:00.000-08:00

Thursday night my Alma Mater Utah rose up and laid a major league smackdown on Alabama in the All-State Sugar Bowl. Immediately, fans of Utah began claiming the NCAA Championship and Number One ranking. This is understandable. Utah finished the season ranked 13-0. The question is, are they really deserving of the Championship? I believe they are, but perhaps only as Co-National Champs. My arguments:

Number of Undefeated Teams: One
Utah is the only undefeated team left. This is very important to note. The way that College Football's post-season is set up lends itself to ambiguity and second guessing, but there is one indisputable fact: Utah didn't lose to anybody. Period.

Strength of Schedule:
Does Utah play in the MWC? Yes. Is the MWC fairly weak? Of course. Utah did, however, defeat quality teams in TCU, BYU and Oregon State, not to mention Alabama. TCU and Oregon State were nail-biters, but still victories. BYU and Alabama were both good, solid beatings of worthy opponents. Utah also beat a decent Air Force team. In fact, the Jeff Sagarin Ratings that the BCS uses to rank strength of schedule had Utah's as the 8th most difficult before the bowl game against Alabama.

Head to Head vs. One Loss Teams:
Now, let's look at the other teams who have a claim at the championship.
First off, we have
USC: USC's record is an impressive 12-1, their only loss coming at Oregon State. Hmmm. I think Utah played Oregon State, didn't they? Oh yeah, and they beat them. So, you have two teams with similar records (13-0 vs 12-1) with similar strengths of schedule (8th vs 5th) who have a common opponent in Oregon State, to whom USC lost and Utah beat. I don't care about arguments of who would win if they played head to head, because that is a part of the equation that the BCS system, of which USC is a willing member and participant, decided to leave out when they failed to create a playoff system. And are you certain, after seeing Utah vs. Alabama, that USC would win that game? I would have my doubts.
Florida: Let's assume, for arguments sake, that Florida beats Oklahoma in the BCS Championship. We'll do the same when arguing for Oklahoma. Ok, that would make Florida 13-1. They would have won the SEC championship and beaten the Big 12 Champs as well. In the end, they do have that blemish on their records from when they lost to an underrated Ol' Miss. So record wise, Utah would still have the edge (13-0 vs 13-1). Florida would have admittedly the better SOS (8th vs 3rd) and the teams would have one common opponent who they both beat in Alabama. In that regard, I saw both games and have to say that Utah was much more impressive vs. the Crimson Tide than Florida was, and have a better margin of victory (14 vs 11) vs Alabama.
Oklahoma: The Sooners have had a wonderful season, losing only to Texas. Assuming they beat Florida, they have had a great run this year. They do however, have that one pesky loss. Utah has them in W/L record (13-0 vs 13-1). Oklahoma does have superior SOS (8th vs 1st), and the teams have one common opponent worth mentioning in TCU, who Oklahoma beat soundly and against whom Utah struggled, but did beat.
Boise State: Say what you will, but Boise State is still a one-loss team that deserves a ton of respect. They however, are obviously the worst team in the discussion, having lost to TCU (who lost also to Oklahoma and Utah).
Texas: Let's assume Texas goes out and beats Ohio State, as I suspect they will. That would leave Texas at 13-1, with their only loss coming on a last second play vs. Texas Tech. Texas got screwed out of the Big 12 Championship, and they too will have a claim at the BCS title if they win. Against Utah, they have an inferior record (13-0 vs 12-1), a higher SOS (8th vs 2nd), and no common opponents. Makes it hard to say who would beat whom, doesn't it?

In conclusion, this is how I see things, not any sort of prediction: Utah should have a piece of the BCS title, regardless of who wins that game. They are undefeated, have a strong SOS, and beat up on Alabama in their bowl game. If Florida wins the title game, then Utah and Florida share the title. If Oklahoma wins, Utah and Oklahoma share it, and I kinda lean towards saying that Texas deserves a piece of the title as well, but if Oklahoma can beat a worthy foe in Florida, I'll give them the nod.

This is all a pipe dream, I'm sure, as the BCS will crown it's champion on Thursday, but that doesn't change the fact that Utah deserves a piece of the crown.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-02T10:07:00.001-08:00

Every year at this time people all over the world decide to put their collective foot down and make some changes in their sad lives. The New Year's Resolution is something to which each of us have fallen victim over the years. I myself have purchased the Torso Tiger, the Ab Roller, the Torso Tornado, and that one ab thingy that you attach to your abs and turn on the electricity and it makes your abs contract while you watch TV and eat nachos, which by the way did NOT work (that Bruce Lee was full of shit, man). How many of us have made the resolution to lose 20 or 30 pounds only to reach the end of the next year with an extra 10 pounds to add to our goal? A wise man once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results, so why do we put ourselves through this nonsense year after year? I suppose we all need a little hope in our lives, even if most of the time it is a fool's hope.

What follows is a list of New Year's Resolutions, some of my own and some that certain sport's franchises/figures need, to not only make but accomplish if we are to make 2009 a better year the 2008.

1. I resolve to not get so damned angry with my teams -- Over the last few years I have gone in to many sports season's with high hopes. The Mets fresh off of signing Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado looked poised to win the NL East and maybe even the World Series. Then came the catastrophic collapse of two years ago. All is well, they'll just sign the best free agent pitcher of the off season in Johan Santana and World Series here we come. Not so fast Mets' fan as another late season collapse left them inches from the playoffs (damn you Aaron Heilman). My anger at these unfortunate events was so intense that I almost had a couple of strokes. My wife tells me it's just a game and that makes me even more irate, but in the end she is correct. I need to take it down a notch when the Celtics lose three out of four on a west coast road trip, and realize that three games do not a season make or else I'm going to pop a blood vessel in my brain.

2. Jazz Fan needs to resolve to calm down and get in touch with reality -- Yes Carlos Boozer is a candy ass and yes he is going to get hurt a lot and stay out longer than most players will with the same injuries. You have to realize that Booz is all about the Benjamins (ask Cleveland Fan) so he is not going to play unless he is 100%, period. You also have to realize that when he is healthy he is one of the best power forwards in the NBA. You can count on him for 20 and 10 night in and night out and as good as Paul Millsap has been he is still a couple of years away from Boozer's production level. You had better hope that Larry H. Miller decides to loosen his wallet strings and resigns both Booz and Millsap (and Okur, but probably not) instead of letting Boozer take his game and his injuries to the Heat in the off season.

3. Brett Favre needs to resolve to retire, for real this time -- Brett, come on man look at your interceptions, look at your quaterback rating, look at your gray hair and beard set, look at your helmet for hell's sake you play for the Jets, the Jets! Can't you hear the people of Greenbay crying? Can't you hear the people of the Earth yearning to hear other stories on SportsCenter than your tragic tale? Please Brett just let it go. Let it go like you do when you see your outside receiver open in a small window downfield even if the Defense is in a cover two and the Strong Safety is clearly cheating to that side, just begging you to do it. Let it go, Brett. Please!

4. Yankees please resolve to die. That's it, just roll over and die. (Lakers, too) Please.

5. I resolve to stop watching late night info-mercials and buying things -- No more ab machines, no more pull-up bars, no more perfect push-ups, nada. I'm done thinking that I can make boatloads of money placing tiny classified ads in the newspaper. I don't need a knife that can cut through a hammer and then slice a tomato with surgical precision (even though I bought a set of these knives and gave them to Boyd for his wedding and he has been nothing but happy with their performance). I resolve to ignore Ron Popeil and Billy Mays no matter how convincing their arguments. I just hope that Danny Ainge isn't up late at night when a "Sign Stephon Marbury, he's not a locker room cancer" info-mercial comes on. Turn off the TV and back away from the phone, Danny. Trust me, no matter how good these late night wares seem, you're just setting yourself up for a world of disappointment and shame.

Feel free to add your own New Year's Resolutions or don't, whatever.

Happy Birthday, Grant

2008-12-31T13:03:00.000-08:00

December 31st is an important day for everyone. After all, it marks the yearly anniversary of the birth of my eldest brother, Grant. Today Grant turns 35 and I'm sure this year's festivities will be no less spectacular than those of past years. I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason the G-Man is extremely popular. Do you know how I know? Because people get together all over the world to celebrate the last 10 seconds of his Birthday. Everyone celebrates in a different way: Some kiss, some watch magic balls go down the tops of buildings, some watch buildings blow up on the Vegas strip, but one thing is certain: everyone has a good time.

It's not just regular people that seem to enjoy this day, either. Really, really famous people get together and toast Grant and kiss. They even wheel out Dick Clark's half-dead corpse for the celebration held on TV every year. And you can be sure all the Johnny-come-lately Pop Stars of the moment will serenade Grant on his special day.

So here's to you big brother. I hope this Birthday is as good as the rest have been.

Predicting the BCS Bowls

2008-12-30T01:55:00.001-08:00

Before I get to the BCS Bowls, I have two important things to get to. First, this website will be going through some changes in the next little while and we’ll keep you posted on what’s happening. More to come later. Second, and I think I can speak for The Strap as a group here, I sincerely hope that we’ve seen the last of Brett Farve in an NFL uniform. Just put on your Wranglers and go Brett. Please don’t put us through the constant updates on SportsCenter and NFL Live. Just get it over with.

Because the BCS Bowls are coming up in the next week and a half, it’s preview time. Before the season started I wrote a college football preview and picked Oklahoma to beat The Ohio State in the BCS title game. I’ll get to the title game later, but at least I got one of the teams correct. There are at least two or three non-BCS bowl games that are better matchups than the Orange Bowl, so I’m not even going to recognize that as a BCS game–therefore, it will be left out of this preview.

Sugar Bowl - Utah vs. Alabama
Before the season I said that Bama was overrated and didn’t deserve to be in the top 25. Clearly I am retarded. Alabama is absolutely the real deal. Utah didn’t play the toughest schedule, but they rose to the challenge and are the only remaining unbeaten team in college football. The Utes know how to win close games and they are a complete team–solid in all three phases.

Andre Smith deciding to go all Reggie Bush and being ruled ineligible for the game helps Utah tremendously. Smith is a definite top-5 pick, so his loss will be big. Alabama is a good running team and will try to pound the ball against the U. John Parker Wilson has only 6 touchdown passes all season, so don’t expect him to test the Utah secondary all that much, especially if the Tide is able to move the ball on the ground. How Alabama is 12-1 with only 6 TD passes from their starting quarterback is beyond me. If the Utes can make Bama one dimensional they have a legitimate chance to pull off the upset.

The Utah offense struggled against the best defense they’ve played this year in TCU. Can they do any better against Alabama? My gut tells me the answer is yes, but it won’t be enough to win the game.
Alabama wins by 10.

Rose Bowl - USC vs. Penn State
USC and Penn State have a combined 22-2 record, making this one of the more intriguing bowl games this year. USC’s defense is as good as it gets: they’re giving up 7.8 points per game. There are NFL players at every position on the Trojan defense, including Moala, Griffen, Cushing, Mays, Ellison, Maualuga... I could keep going, but the point is this: SC’s defense is flat out loaded.

Can Penn State score enough to win this game? Maybe, because the USC offense is nowhere near as dynamic without Norm Chow as the OC. With the talent they have on offense, USC should be putting up way more points than they have so far this season. The fact that USC doesn’t run it up like they have in past years bodes well for PSU. Penn State has a good offense with a mobile quarterback, the best offensive line in college football, and athletic wide receivers. The Nittany Lions probably won’t be able to march the ball up and down the field, so they’ll need some big plays from the wideouts for them to get the victory.

Nobody prepares for big games better than Pete, so I expect the Trojans to look awesome in beating Penn State. Plus, Penn State is from the Big Ten, which doesn’t prepare them well for a team like USC because the Big Ten sucks, is boring and overrated.
USC by at least 14.

Fiesta Bowl - Texas vs. The Ohio State
Is Terrelle Pryor the next Vince Young? I don’t mean that in the “is he going to take off in his car and have his coach call the police because he’s nervous his QB is on his way to commit suicide” kind of way, but is he the next big dual-threat college football quarterback? He certainly has the running skills. His passing is improving, but until he can show improved accuracy, don’t expect him to do what Vince did. Having Beanie Wells in the backfield sure doesn’t hurt (I’d like to see him in the Seahawks’ backfield next year). Wells has been injured at times this year, but when healthy he’s the best running back in college football. The Ohio State offense would be much more dangerous if Pryor were a better passer. Expect Texas to load up on the run because of this. The Buckeyes still have a very good defense that should keep them in the game.

Texas has a more diverse offense than The Ohio State and Colt McCoy has been awesome this year. McCoy might even run for more yards than Pryor in this game. Texas can score through the air, on the ground, defensively, and on special teams. It will be interesting to see how the Texas offense does against a good defense–something they didn’t see in the Big 12 this year.

A lot of people were pissed that The Ohio State University got into a BCS game, but I think they’ll show up for this one. I’ll pick the upset and go with the Buckeyes to pull this one out by a touchdown.
Ohio State by 7.

NBA Player Rankings

2008-12-29T09:59:00.000-08:00

Well, I was going to post my top half of the league commentary last Wednesday, but then T-Bone went and posted his "Power Rankings", thus covering many of the teams I was going to speak about. Thanks a pantload, T-Bone. So today, I'm going to look at the top 5 by position this season with a little commentary. Remember, this is a top 5 for the first third of this year only.

Point Gaurd
5. Rajon Rondo-Celtics 11.1 ppg, 7.6 apg 5.0 rpg 2.3 spg 52.4% FG
Rondo has been a steadying force for the Celtics and barely nudges Jameer Nelson for the 5th spot. Rondo's defense has been stellar, and his offense is ever improving, leading the C's to a 28-4 record.
4. Tony Parker-Spurs 22.1 ppg 6.6 apg 50.3 FG%
Tony is having a great season thus far for the Spurs. He has taken over as the team's top scorer. Parker has been very efficient, despite battling injury.
3. Chauncey Billups-Nuggets 17.9 ppg 6.9 apg 5.0 rpg 40.3% 3pt FG
Chauncy has saved the Nuggets season. They are 19-8 with him in the lineup, leading the Division. Chauncey's leadership and defense have been great, and his offense has been solid as per usual.
2. Devin Harris-Nets 23.7 ppg 6.4 apg 1.6 spg
Harris has taken a jump into elite status as a scoring point gaurd. Who knew he would make the Jason Kidd trade look completetly lopsided for the Nets? I did. Harris has, along with a rejuvinated Vince Carter, lead the Nets to a surprising .500 record.
1. Chris Paul-Hornets 20.1 ppg 11.4 apg 5.2 rpg 3.0 spg 49.7% FG
Paul is, once again, not only in the discussion for best point gaurd in the league, but in the discussion for best player in the league. And Jazz fan, don't come at me with Deron Williams smack, he can't even hold Paul's jockstrap when healthy, let alone on a gimpy ankle.

Shooting Gaurd
5. Joe Johnson-Hawks 23.2 ppg 4.7 rpg 5.7 apg
Did you know the Hawks are 19-10? Did you know that Joe Johnson has gone for over 30 points 6 times this year already? Did you know that the Celtics drafted Joe Johnson, then traded him for Rodney Rogers and Tony Delk after less than one season? Did you know that I am crying a little bit right now?
4. Vince Carter-Nets 23.0 ppg 4.9 rpg 4.6 apg
Vince Carter is apparantly not dead. Ok, Vince's last few seasons haven't been that bad, but the big difference this year is that it looks like Vince is actually trying on both ends. How he and Harris have lead this band of misfits to a .500 record thus far is beyond me, but I'll give props where they are due.
3. Brandon Roy-Blazers 23.0 ppg 4.5 rpg 5.3 apg
Stop it, Blazer fan. Don't put this guy anywhere near the MVP this season. Roy keeps getting better and better though, and I love his game. I like his makeup. He seems to be pretty cool and collected, which serves this young team well. The scary thing for teams in the West is that this guy and this team have tons of room for improvement. Watch out.
2. Kobe Bryant-Lakers 26.3 ppg 5.4 rpg 4.2 apg
Bryant is having another spectacular year, and it seems as though the improvement of his team will allow him to get some added rest the last month of the season. Bryant is still spectacular in the 4th quarter and I suspect we will see him in the finals again this season.
1. Dwayne Wade-Heat 28.9 ppg 5.1 rpg 6.9 apg 2.2 spg 1.6 bpg
Wade is simply amazing. He is carrying a team of misfits to a respectable season almost single-handedly. Dude is averaging 1.6 blocks per game. He has 13 games over 30. If it weren't for LeBron and the fact that his team will probably finish middle of the pack, Wade could be having an MVP season.

Small Forward
5. Paul Pierce-Celtics 18.2 ppg 5.7 rpg 3.8 apg
Pierce is having one of his worst statistical seasons, but has been a big part in a 28-4 start, usually taking the brunt of the big 4th quarter shots. Pierce gives up a lot of shots to his teammates, but has been a very efficient scorer this year, averaging 1.4 points per shot. Just edges out Josh Howard, Carmelo Anthony, Andrei Kirilenko and Gerald Wallace
4. Kevin Durant-Thunder 23.7 ppg 5.5 rpg 44.8% 3pt Fg
This guy could be higher if his team were any good. Having lousy teammates actually hurts KD's numbers, as there is literally no one that defenses need to worry about other than Durant on the Thunder. Has improved his game in every facet and should continue to blossom as he is, after all, only 20 years old.
3. Caron Butler-Wizards 21.0 ppg 6.5 rpg 4.5 apg 1.6 spg
I love Caron Butler. He has improved so much over the past few years. He plays extremely hard and is a tenacious defender. I can't believe he is the third highest paid player on the Wizards, as I would take one of him over two Gilbert Arenas' and 6 Antawn Jamisons.
2. Danny Granger- Pacers 24.9 ppg 5.1 rpg 3.2 apg
The Small Forward position is not loaded admittedly, but look at Granger's scoring average! Some guys sign big contracts and rest on their laurels, but Granger looks like he's trying to prove that he deserves another raise before he is even getting paid for the extension he just signed. I saw dude get his two front teeth knocked out against Boston and he kept playing, helping to hand the C's one of their 4 losses. I have a lot of respect for this guy.
1. LeBron James-Cavs 27.5 ppg 6.7 rpg 6.4 apg 2.0 spg 1.1 bpg 50.9%FG
I don't know how you can watch basketball and say this guy is not clearly the best player on the planet. He's finally started to hit his free throws, and has figured out that no one alive can stop him if he heads to the basket. LeBron has at least one "Oh My Lord" highlight every single game. Oh, and he is playing excellent defense. Please, some one, take this team out before they get to Boston. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.

Power Forward
5. Amare Stoudamire-Suns 22.5 ppg 9.0 rpg 55.6% FG
I have to admit, Amare is having a little bit of a down season for him. His scoring, rebounding and field goal percentage have all suffered this year. Maybe he needs to shut his damn yapper about where he is going to play in the future and focus on the present and get back to utterly dominating fools. That being said, he's still 400 times better than Pau Gasol.
4. Dirk Nowitzki-Mavs 25.8 ppg 8.9 rpg
Can you believe this guy one an MVP one season? The league has gotten much better since, I would have to say. All that aside, Dirk is having a classic Dirk season, shooting very well, rebounding at a respectable rate, and not shooting enough damn threes. Say what you will, but the Mavs were better when Dirk was launching threes. He is after all a career 38 percent gunner.
3. Kevin Garnett-Celtics 16.6 ppg 8.8 rpg 1.4 bpg 53.9% FG
KG is having a bit of a down year, particularly on the boards, but his defense is still the stuff of legends, and he continues to take the opportunities given him on an extremely balanced team to shoot a very high field goal percentage. Oh, and we don't need to add all the intangibles in. I mean, dude either inspires or has the bench so scared of his wrath, that they play hard when, like last night, they were up by 40 damn points.
2. Chris Bosh-Raptors 23.4 ppg 9.7 rpg 49.3% FG
I feel a little sad for Bosh. For so long everyone called him so underrated that now I think he is actually a little bit overrated. I mean, he is a great player, but in watching him I don't think he goes at it hard enough. He just seems a little soft to me as all. Still, he is terrific and needs to get the hell out of Toronto as soon as he can.
1. Tim Duncan-Spurs 20.7 ppg 10.4 rpg 3.2 apg 1.7 bpg 51.6% Fg
What is going on with Duncan this year? Yawn. 20 and 10 with stellar defense, leading an injury plagued team to a very respectable 20-10 recrod in the West. Yawn. Best Power Forward ever. Yawn.

Center
5. Al Jefferson-Wolves 22.1 ppg 10.2 rpg 1.9 bpg 49.4% Fg
Jefferson makes this list by default. Center and Small Forward are the 2 weakest positions, and Jefferson has been only so-so this season. He doesn't look to be working that hard in the games I've seen. Perhaps all the losing has him down. I know he has good numbers, but something is off and I feel he could do more. 20 and 10 ain't bad, though.
4. Zydrunas Ilgauskas-Cavs 14.0 ppg 7.1 rpg 1.2 bpg 51.5% FG
Old Z has turned back the clock and is playing terrificly for the Cavs thus far, helping to stretch the floor for LeBron, and otherwise being extremely solid on both ends of the floor despite playing fewer minutes for playoff conservation.
3. Shaquille O'Neal-Suns 16.4 ppg 8.6 rpg 1.4 bpg 58.5% FG
I gotta give Shaq his credit. I don't know how his ass tastes, but I know that he is palying with a lot of effort and intensity for the Suns this year. They are doing a good job of keeping him rested by not having him go in most back-to-backs, and he is repaying them with improved conditioning, better free throw shooting, and a solid inside presence on defense.
2. Yao Ming-Rockets 20.3 ppg 9.7 rpg 1.8 bpg 53.3% FG
Everyone knows what Yao is capable of when healthy. I think that the decreased offensive burden (shooting 2 less shots a game, playing 3 less minutes) will all help to keep Yao fresh as the season drags on, as he has a lenghty injury history. The Rockets have been good so far, and we'll see if the second half can bring on a further gelling of their talents for a run at the title.
1. Dwight Howard-Magic 19.6 ppg 13.7 rpg 3.7 bpg 55.1% FG
I've given Howard crap for not having enough post moves the last few years, but in the games I've seen, he has really improved in that respect this year. I know that his numbers are a little bit down from last year, but the team is better overall, and the opposition is now really focusing on Howard more than ever. I've been impressed by his improved (believe it or not) offensive rebounding as now one can box this guy out it seems, and by his defense, which has gone from great to otherworldly.

(sorry for any misspells. Spell checker down. Peace.)

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

2008-12-24T10:11:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even Eddie House;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes the Commissioner soon would be there;
The Jazz were all nestled a snug in their beds,
They dreamed of Milwaukee and that damned Michael Redd:
And Pacman in his 'kerchief, and Ray Lewis in his cap,
Had just settled down for some VIP dances, lap.
When out on the filed there arose such a clatter,
‘Cause the Yankees bought all the best pitchers and batters.
Away to the window Usain Bolt flew like a flash,
He needed more light to inject roids in his ass.
Warren Moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,
Make you question his morals, but you never know,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Kim Kardashian with Reggie Bush slapping her rear,
Devin Hester was there, so lively and quick,
Returning kicks he was awesome, catching balls he sucks (well you know).
More rapid than eagles every kick was the same,
He whistled to blockers, and called them by name;
"Now, Vasher! Now, Forte! Now, Briggs and Rex Grossman!
On, Orton! On Urlacher! On, Kreutz and Greg Olsen!
From Historic Soldier Field, to the snow in old Lambeau,
But enough about football, let’s talk about Rondo.”
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
Rajon is unstoppable when he mounts to the sky,
He dribbles and rebounds, to the backboard he slashes,
He scores or to KG, to Pierce, or Ray Allen he passes.
And then, in a twinkling, he steals the ball from your point,
Then he throws down a dunk and blows the roof off the joint.
On Christmas the Celtics will play in LA,
A-listers will go ‘cause they’re down with Yahweh.
Rondo will run circles ‘round Fisher like a dancer,
He won’t use his kid to leverage a trade with his cancer.
And if Andrew Bynum puts the ball on the floor,
Rondo will strip him ‘cause his dribbling is poor.
He’ll spring to the backcourt, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they’ll all fly like the down of a thistle.
The Celtics will run up the floor to their spots,
Sugar Ray to the corner ‘cause his shooting’s been hot.
He’ll look to the left and then pass to the right,
And KG will jump toward the rim, out of sight.
He’ll catch the sweet oop, throw it down with some thunder,
The Lakers will cry, their dreams torn all asunder.
And Rondo will yell, ere he drives out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

NBA Power Rankings

2008-12-23T13:49:00.000-08:00

To go along with Boyd’s post about the L, I decided to hop on the NBA bandwagon this week. How could I not, with the Lakers-Celtics on Christmas day? I don’t watch the league as much as PlayBoyd does, but here are my power rankings for the NBA for Christmas week (I’m only going with the top half of the league). Am I the only one who thinks that the East might be better than the West top to bottom? The West has been so dominant for the last several years that it’s strange to see so many crappy teams in the West.

1. Boston Celtics
The Celtics certainly appear hungry to repeat. As long as they stay healthy, it seems that there are only be two realistic threats to a repeat. Well, maybe three if they have to face Atlanta in the playoffs (second round matchup perhaps?). Rondo is playing out of his mind and the defense continues to be impressive.

2. Cleveland Cavaliers
LeBron James has been ridiculous this year. I’ve been a proponent of Kobe Bryant as the best player in the league for the last few years, but LBJ has me rethinking this. He’s playing at a different level this year and it shows in Cleveland’s record. Cleveland is really putting opponents away in the second half this season, outscoring opponents by a wide margin. They look legit.

3. Los Angeles Lakers
The Lakers haven’t looked as impressive in the past few weeks (just suffered their first back-to-back defeats of the season) but are still the class of the West. Bynum and Gasol are meshing well together so far, but Kobe has not been as dominant as he was last season. The offense doesn’t seem to be as precise as it was last year from what I’ve seen, and the injury to Farmar could be big. With all those questions, the Lakers are still the best team in the West and have the potential to win the NBA Championship.

4. Orlando Magic
I picked Atlanta to get the upset and win the Southeast division over Orlando. While it could still happen, Orlando has looked really freaking good so far this season. They just had a three game winning streak, beating Portland, San Antonio, and the Lakers. Impressive. Dwight Howard is an absolute beast, as evidenced by the way he destroyed Greg Oden last week. That was awesome—welcome to the league, rookie.

5. New Orleans Hornets
The Hornets have won 11 of their last 13 and Chris Paul is being Chris Paul. New Orleans doesn’t look that great on paper but the pieces they have just fit so well together. I’m interested to see what happens in the NO-LAL game tonight.

6. Houston Rockets
The Rockets look good for not having been all that healthy so far. If Houston is healthy come playoff time they will be dangerous for the Lakers. Artest plays Kobe as well as anyone in the league.

7. San Antonio Spurs
Tony Parker is playing at a high level this year (see his 55 and 10 game earlier this season) and Tim Duncan is taking care of business as usual. Ginobili has been pretty solid since coming back from injury and we can expect him to only get better. I still hate him, but when he is on offensively he is as close to unstoppable as anyone in the league.

8. Denver Nuggets
Chauncey Billups has transformed this team. Denver is playing defense better than they have in forever. Well, they were until they gave up over 105 in their last three games. If the MVP goes to the most valuable player and not the best player, Billups deserves some consideration if the Nuggets continue like this.

9. Atlanta Hawks
The Hawks could contend with Portland as the team of the future. Horford, Johnson, Williams, and Smith are all 27 years old or younger and Bibby can bring it when he needs to. This team can be dangerous in the future, and maybe sooner.

10. Portland Trail Blazers
The other trendy pick as team of the future is better than I thought they would be this year. Brandon Roy is going to the next level and becoming a star. He dropped 52 the other night and he does a little bit of everything. Aldridge is underrated, Outlaw is awesome off the bench, and Oden and Fernandez are getting better. Blake is playing well at the point, and Martell Webster is coming back from injury. The future looks very promising for the Blazers.

11. Phoenix Suns
Amare’s pimp hand is way strong and Nash continues to put up good numbers. Shaq hasn’t been great this year but he hasn’t sucked either. The addition of Jason Richardson could be big for this team (he’s averaged 18 a game since the trade).

12. Utah Jazz
The Jazz have been decimated by injuries but still have a decent record. If the Jazz can ever get and stay healthy they’ll move way up this list.

13. Dallas Mavericks
The Mavs trading Devin Harris was a stupid move, as Devin’s 41 points against Dallas last week proved. Jason Terry is going for 21 per game off the bench and Dirk is playing well so far. Dallas is currently sitting in 9th place and would miss the playoffs if things stay put. I, for one, would love to see the Mavericks stay home.

14. Miami Heat
Dwyane Wade has been a monster and he outplayed Kobe last week in their head-to-head matchup. Beasley has been good so far, but I expected more after what he did in college last year. The Heat have 14 wins right now, only one less than their total from last season.

15. New Jersey Nets
Devin Harris is becoming a star. I found an impressive stat yesterday: Harris has gone for 30+ in 8 of 23 games this year. In the first four years of his career he had zero 30-point games. Also, Brook Lopez went for 22, 13 and 5 blocks against the Heat last week, the first Nets player to go for 20-10-5 since Derrick Coleman. Vince is playing like the champ I know he is and the Nets look good.

NBA Review, Part I

2008-12-22T09:41:00.001-08:00

The NBA season is now a little over a third of the way finished, and I have seen every team play a number of times except the Miami Heat. For some reason I still have not caught them. But I will. No matter. I decided today to go back and look at my pre-season thoughts on the NBA, found here and here, to see if I where I was right, where I was wrong, and any other thoughts I have on all things NBA.

Oklahoma City Thunder: I have seen 2 games from these guys, and they are even worse than I thought they would be. I was right when I predicted PJ would be a goner by New Years, and the drafting of Jeff Green and Russel Westbrook has not worked out thus far. Durant has not looked very good either, by the way.

Memphis Grizzlies: I caught them the other night and they played a really competitive game. I really like OJ Mayo and Rudy Gay. They both take and make some crazy shots. I was wrong however, about Mike Conley. Doesn't look like he will be anything special, as he has had plenty of opportunity and hasn't done much with it. I also like Marc Gasol. He's a real banger and could be a good role player for years to come. Memphis is definitely on the upswing.

Minnesota Timberwolves: I predicted the axe at some point for Whitman if this team did not improve, and he got that axe sooner than even I thought. This team has been extremely disappointing. The main problem is that their guards are just awful. Foye can't shoot, nor can Telfair. McCants couldn't throw it in the ocean from the shore. Gomes hasn't shot well. The only two guys shooting well, Jefferson and Miller, have to watch game after game as McCants and Foye jack up horrible shot after horrible shot. I take bake my prediction that this team is on the upswing. Kevin Love appears over matched and is not a good fit for this team at all.

New York Knicks: Thank goodness for Mike D'Antoni. I've seen 3 Knicks games this year, and although they lost all three, at least they were watchable. Make no mistake, the Knicks are not a good team, but they are much better than the last few years. They have a similar problem to most bad teams: Bad shooters. Other than David Lee, none of them can shoot with any accuracy.

Milwaukee Bucks: I was wrong about this team. They have been much, much better than I expected, and actually decent to watch. They still let Redd, Villanueva, and Jefferson huck up too many bad shots, but the defense has improved, bless Scott Skiles' little red ass, and overall, despite a brutal starting schedule, the Bucks might have a shot to gel and fight for the 8th spot in the East, much to my surprise.

Charlotte Bobcats: This team is a microcosm for all bad teams. Case in point: Raymond Felton, shooting 39% from the field, shoots 12.6 shots per game. Emeka Okafor, shooting 59% from the field, shoots 9.0 times. It isn't that hard, coaches: Make the players pass the ball to the guys who can shoot and let them shoot. If they won't, get players that will. I still hold that Larry Brown is out of touch with today's players and in the long run this is going to end badly for Charlotte.

New Jersey Nets: The Nets have to be one of the biggest surprises in the NBA. Devin Harris is playing out of his mind, and Vince Carter is actually trying, which I didn't think he would. He still may be traded, but this team is headed in the right direction because of solid coaching and great play from the role players. Don't get me wrong, the Nets are not a good team, but they are much better than anyone expected.

Sacramento Kings: This team is just awful. It can't defend anybody, which negates the teams relatively decent shooting touch. That being said, there is some good stuff for the future. Hawes and that rookie Thompson everyone thought they reached for look pretty promising, and Brad Miller should probably be traded for more talent. John Salmons is surprising everyone with his play. Kevin Martin has, for the most part been injured and disappointing when he did play. He may be this years player who was called so underrated that he actually became overrated.

LA Clippers: You may ask yourself how I ranked the Clippers 22nd in my preseason list, but if you check it right now, they have the 24th best record, so I wasn't that far off. This team is, however, even worse than I thought. They just can't guard anybody to save their lives. Baron Davis is shooting so horribly. 17 times a game at only 37%. How is that possible? Oh, partly because he shoots 6 threes a game at only 29%. Have fun the next 5 years as he only gets worse, Clipper fan.

Indiana Pacers: The Pacers have been about what I thought, but I think they might have a better future than I stated. Danny Granger is playing awesome. Once they get Dunleavy back, they could contend for the final playoff spot in the wide-open bottom of the East.

Miami Heat: It has to be said, Dwayne Wade is challenging LeBron for best player in the league. He simply wills this band of miscreants to victory waaaaay more often than any mortal should. The big question remains: will he stay healthy? I predicted no, but hope to God that I am wrong, because he is fantastic. The rest of the roster is only so-so, but if they can pick up Boozer in the off-season, they would vault back up towards the top of the East in my estimation.

Atlanta Hawks: Wow, the Hawks are showing what just getting to the playoffs can do for a team, and proving me dead wrong. Even though they lost to the Celtics in an epic 7 game series, they seemed to learn so much and gain confidence that is carrying over to this season. They have a very balanced starting five, and you can tell that Joe Johnson figured out that no one can guard him. The bench is still to thin to compete for a title, and lord having Josh Childress would help that situation, but I'll tell you this: The Celtics are glad they probably won't be an 8 seed this year. (By the way, the big difference between last year and this: defense. The Hawks claimed they learned that from the C's and it shows.)

Chicago Bulls: I'm not even going to talk about the Bulls. Just Derrick Rose. I apologize, Derrick Rose, baby, for what I wrote about you. You are the real deal and once you get a little bit of an outside shot, you will be completely unstoppable. Please forgive me, Derrick Rose.

Golden State Warriors: I was dead wrong on these guys, as well. They are just horrid. Don Nelson has done a terrible, terrible job with this roster. Better hope that Monte Ellis can play point, because no one on that team EVER PASSES. These guys are atrocious to watch. I might throw up.

Washington Wizards: Wrong about these guys, too. Brutal. Just brutal. Think Gilbert is going to turn this mess around? Me neither. They just signed him to a six year deal. Wizards fans, put the pistols down, you aren't the Bullets anymore.

Denver Nuggets: I guess we found out that Allen Iverson is a cancer, and like the cancer that Doctor's removed from Nene's nut last season, the removal of said cancer can be rejuvenating. I mean, this team is night and day from last year and early this season. Billups is a stud. If healthy, he's a top 5 point in my book. Nene is much better than I thought, and Kenyon Martin looks rejuvenated. This team is a better defensive team than I thought they would be, relying on a team concept rather than letting traded Marcus Camby try to do all the defending like they did last year. Still not a top notch championship team, they will be a tough out in the playoffs for whoever gets them.

Part II Wed.

Five Things

2008-12-18T21:15:00.000-08:00

I've put a lot of thought into this week's post and struggled greatly with its content. I am a fairly opinionated person. I also like to talk (my father says I talk because I like to hear the sound of my own voice, and he's probably right). Because of my talkative nature and my never ending opinions I tend to push people to opposite ends of the "What I Think About Jim Scale". Some people like me and some people hate me, there aren't very many people in between. For the record, either way is fine with me. So with this in mind I forge ahead with a list of five things that I know, along with five things that I think I know. Some may delight, some may offend, but such is the plight of this well intended author. Dear reader, enjoy.

1. I know I love sports and I think I know why. Because of my choice of sports franchises I have suffered much over the years. Listen to this, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, and Henry Burris. Ever heard of any of these guys? Well neither have I, but apparently they are all quarterbacks who have started games for my beloved Chicago Bears within the last 15 years. Go figure. (By the way, the list of guys I have heard of isn't that much more impressive than these five douches). I've suffered through Eric Montross, Mark Blount, and Milt Palacios.

Somebody please save me from the likes of a washed up Bobby Bonilla, an overrated Victor Zambrano, and a trade that got the Mets Jim Fergosi and sent away Nolan freakin' Ryan. I should totally hate sports, but instead I know that I love them so much. Why? I think I know. Sports are unpredictable and for that reason we love them. For every heavily favored Yankee team that didn't make it to the World Series there is a 2008 Tampa Bay Rays team that overachieves and thrills us. On any given night virtually unknown NC State can beat the unbeatable Phi Slamma Jamma. I can still see Dikembe Mutombo clutching the ball to his chest as his #8 seeded Denver Nuggets beat the #1 seed Seattle Supersonics, the first time such a thing had ever happened, ever. I love sports because at the start of every season a true fan has new hope, a fool's hope most of the time, but hope nonetheless. I love sports because Ryan Gomes, Al Jefferson, Gerald Green , Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair, two first round draft picks, and cash considerations can turn into Kevin Garnett and Celtic Pride can rise reborn like a Phoenix from the ashes.

2. I know the Germans love David Hasselhoff and I think I know why. Check this out.

I mean come on, wiener dogs, baby angels holding hands, and the Hoff flying over a speeding motorcycle. That shit's solid gold. Danke shoen, Deutschland! Danke Shoen.

3. I know if you argue with an old timer about who the greatest athlete is in any given sport he is not going to say LeBron James, Peyton Manning, or Alex Rodriguez. In his mind there is no way in hell Mike Tyson could have ever beaten Muhammad Ali, or Cassius Clay for that matter. Put away your Joe Montana posters and lock up any thoughts you might have of anointing Dan Marino the greatest quarterback ever because everyone can just line up behind Johnny Unitas and Broadway Joe Namath and it don't matter what order you put 'em in after that, period. Ted Williams would hit .500 in today's MLB and every game Bob Gibson pitched would be a no-hitter with the good-for-nothin' pansies teams run up to the plate now a days. They don't want to hear about Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq couldn't hold Bill Russell's jockstrap (oh wait, I agree with that one so if that makes me an old timer then pull my lower lip up to the bottom of my nose and hoist my pants up to my armpits because Russell is the beginning and end. Shuffleboard anyone?). I think I can explain this one too. These athletes got these people through some rough times. Sports were an escape from Wars, the Depression, and Presidential assassinations. The heroes of these games provided unadulterated happiness and celebration during times when such things were rare. Did they put these athletes up on a pedestal and ignore their shortcomings? Hell yes they did, and why not? Could most of the athletes of yesteryear compete with the monsters that roam the courts and fields today? Probably not. Are athletes getting bigger, faster, and stronger? Yes. But some of them would still be able to play in today's sports world. A great athlete then would be a great athlete now. Greatness, I think, transcends space and time.

4. I know 80s music mostly sucks, but I love it anyway. I think people can't help but love the things they grew up with (unless you grew up with a mean drunk father who lifted you by the short hairs on the back of your neck and kicked you in the ass all the way down the street for all your friends to see. I can't speak from experience on this one as my father is a wonderful man and hero to me, but I'm sure if something like that happened to you when you were a kid it would have sucked pretty bad and definitely would have left you leaning toward NOT loving the things you grew up with, but I digress). I know the lyrics suck and the guitar solos are lame and the hair and make-up for the women and men could not have been worse, but if I hear me some Def Leppard I get so pumped I just want to skateboard, play one-armed air drums, or lift weights, or something. I know they only liked boys, but when I hear Erasure sing I can't help but think that together we will break these chains of love. I know it was bad, but it was my bad and I loved it. I love it still.

5. I know I hate the Los Angeles Lakers with an undying hatred, and I think I know that I couldn't loath them anymore than I already do.

So that's it. Five things that I know and five that I think I know. Feel free to let me know what you think of the things that I know and what you think of the things that I think that I know. Whoa! Also, let me know about the things you know and the things you think you know. Who knows, maybe some of the things that you know will be the same things that I know and maybe some of the things that you think you know will be the same things that I think I know. Possibly so.

Who will win the NBA championship?

2008-12-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

I was reading a recent poll taken by Sports Illustrated that asked 189 NBA players who would win the NBA championship this season. The results:

Lakers - 67%
Celtics - 20%
Cavaliers - 4%
Spurs - 2%

So what does this mean? It seems like the players would know better than analysts who the best team in the league is. The Lakers, Celtics, and Cavs have a combined winning percentage of 87.5. These teams are all playing at a pretty ridiculous clip. The only meeting between these teams to this point in the season was a game one win by Boston over Cleveland. So, who will win the NBA title? Both Boyd and I picked the Celtics before the season started, and I think it's pretty clear that Jim wouldn't pick against the Celtics even if he were being tortured.

I'm not only surprised that the Lakers won the poll, but the margin is pretty impressive. What do the players know that we don't? Defense led Boston to a championship last year and they've been equally impressive so far this season. Ray Allen is healthy and playing like a champ. The Lakers have been impressive thus far, but what has changed that leads people to conclude they will beat Boston this year? Are they better defensively? Does Bynum make up the difference from last year? Is Kobe playing even better this season than last? Do people think age will catch up to the Celtics (they aren't that old)? With Rondo playing the way he is so far this season, I can't see why anyone would pick against the Celtics. Can someone give me some ideas? I'm not ruling it out completely, because Cleveland and Los Angeles are both very good teams, but why the Lakers at 67% of the vote? Seriously, what am I missing? Boyd? Jim? Rob? Anyone?

The Dark Knight

2008-12-15T09:24:00.000-08:00

I watched this movie for the first time on Saturday night, and found it to be quite enjoyable. There was really only one thing about the movie that bothered me. For the first hour and a half of the movie, I listened to Heath Ledger as the Joker and there was something so familiar in his voice that it was nagging at me every time he spoke. I couldn't place it, and it was starting to detract from the movie. Then, it hit me. Now listen closely to the Joker on this clip:

Who does he sound like? Well, unfortunately, I can't embed the video due to copyrights, so you'll have to click on This.

Yes, he sounds like Stuart Smalley. Maybe with slightly less of the lisp, but there is no denying the vocal resemblence. Now I don't want to trample on a man's grave, but there is no way Heath Ledger should win an Oscar for doing an even creepier Stuart Smalley.

Just one man's opinion.

Santa and His Reindeer

2008-12-12T08:54:00.001-08:00

Again, for the holidays, I thought it would be nice to create a list of athletes who would be best suited to help guide Santa's sleigh all around the world delivering presents to good girls and boys. This is just in case Santa and all of his reindeer die in an avalanche or a flood (global warming melting all the polar ice caps and all) and have to be replaced on Christmas Eve.

John Daily as Santa Claus
I know that this one was easy, but just look at the guy and you can see that he was the obvious choice. He has rosy cheeks just like Santa (hell his whole canned-ham face looks pretty rosy to me), if you could see his eyes in this picture I’m sure that there would be a twinkle in them (if they weren’t too bloodshot from binge drinking before his round of golf), and we can all definitely see that his belly will shake like a bowl full of jelly and it doesn’t matter if he’s laughing, swinging a golf club, coughing because of the lung cancer, or just walking around, that humongous boiler of his is gonna dance regardless of what he’s doing. Merry Christmas John Daily and congratulations, you are the professional athlete that most looks like Santa. Keep it up and someday you could be pulling minimum wage at some mall letting kiddies piss in your lap and tell you what they want for Christmas. Of course you’ll have to live long enough for that to happen so you’ll need two lung transplants and a new liver, but here’s hoping. Better spike the eggnog mom and dad or this Santa is coming up to your bedroom more than a little agitated and probably a lot sweaty.

Maurice Greene as Dasher

Come on dude. You were a world-class sprinter and once, after winning the 100-meter dash, held the prestigious title of “World’s Fastest Man” (of course you were probably on the juice when you did that, but who isn’t on the juice in track and field). Now just look at you dashing around the dance floor in a skin tight red costume with the sleeves torn off, rocking a disappointing giant black afro wig, and getting criticized for slow footwork by a hundred year old British douche. FYI Maurice, when I ripped this image of you off the Internet it was attached to an article entitled, and I kid you not, “Am I with a gay husband?” And that is the question that everybody wants answered, Maurice. Am I? Am I with a gay husband? I think the answer is clear. Pictures tell no lies, Maurice. At least he might add some speed to Santa’s sleigh and heaven knows the Jolly Old Elf needs speed to cover the distances he needs to in a single night.

Jerry Rice as Dancer
Sticking with the Dancing with the Stars theme, I can only look at this picture of Jerry Rice and weep. Jerry Rice is the greatest receiver to ever play the game of football. There once was a time when you could walk down the street and ask any woman you met who Jerry Rice was and she would answer, “I don’t know.” This was for the best. Now if you were to do the same thing they would say, “oh, he’s that guy from Dancing with the Stars. I love him.” Damn you Jerry Rice. For all of your heroic acts on the football field you deserves to go relatively unnoticed by the female population. Your many catches, yardage, and touchdowns have earned you that right and with one little dancing show appearance you pissed it all away. It’s okay Jerry. I’ll still throw the ball to you every single time on Tecmo Super Bowl regardless of how many defenders are covering you and even if you are listed as being in BAD condition, I just won't ask your advice on if I should ruin my Hall of Fame Career by doing and ill-advised crappy reality show, that's all.

Warren Sapp as Prancer
I promise this is my last Dancing with the Stars reference, but it is necessary because Warren has the body weight and strength necessary to pull Santa’s sleigh and because of his recent and unfortunate choice to participate in the afore mentioned dancing show his new nickname, “Prancer”, fits right in. As you can see, even in his playing days Warren had an affinity for dance, but that still does not excuse him from mockery and ridicule for his choice to become a fancy pants on a nationally televised dance show. He went from putting terror into the hearts of NFL running backs by utilizing a tremendous bull-rush to plug the gaps, to having HIS heart full of terror that someone on the dance show might plug his gap with a tremendous bum-rush. Why Warren? Why?

Danica Patrick as Vixen
As you can see by the picture, this too was an easy choice. Danica is certainly capable of filling the role of Santa’s Vixen. Mrs. Claus, whom I imagine to be a dumpy old broad that kind of looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, would have a lot to think about while she sits at home and knits while Santa flies all over the globe with a superfox like Danica. Plus with her ability to drive Indy cars you know she can really handle a stick, and she could even be the one to steer the sleigh, as she would be able to go anywhere Santa told her to go (unlike NASCAR drivers that would only be able to go in an endless left handed oval, leaving out all of those children to the right hand side of the sleigh, be they naughty or nice).

Comet
I got nothin’ for this one. I would have to lower my standards and write about the WNBA’s Houston Comets and that is a depth to which I am not willing to sink. The only time I’ll mention those nags is if I’m talking about blowing wide open lay-ups or how most dudes think that their Rec team could easily beat a squad of these bull-dykes, which is sadly probably true.

David Beckham as Cupid
How could this guy not be Cupid? I think that the only reason Becks is successful is because he is a complete dreamboat. The defenders that are supposed to be checking him accidentally get caught looking longingly into his piercing eyes, or maybe at the sock stuffed down his trousers, and that’s when he takes off, receives the pass, and bends it into an uncontested goal. His job as part of the sleigh team would be to boost moral (for men and women alike) simply by striking a stunning pose in his undies with his sack bulging out. Oh, and his abs.

Donder
What the hell is a Donder? Does anybody know? I apologize to the three dudes named Donder that live in Poland and religiously frequent this blog, but I have to say that Donder is one stupid name for a reindeer or a person.

Joey Porter as Blitzen
Porter leads the league in sacks with 16.5 to this point in the season. This is not an easy thing to do as a linebacker. He is rightfully dubbed Blitzen in this post because that is exactly what he has been doing for the Dolphins this year. Brandon Marshall of the Denver Broncos may think he is soft, and he might be out of line defending the actions of former teammate Plaxico Burress (by the way, anyone stupid enough to shoot themselves should not have anyone in their corner when it comes to defending what happened), but Porter is a energized maniac and just what this sleigh team needs to get the job done. Plus he could supply everyone with NFL approved diet pills to keep them all trim, HGH, and probably some high quality blow, which is a bonus.

Steve Nash as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
I don't even know what to say about this. I guess, "you'll go down in HIS-TOOOO-RY (like Columbus)!"

What I Would Give If I Were Santa Claus

2008-12-11T09:36:00.000-08:00

Tis the season, right? I was thinking about what I would want for Christmas and started feeling bad, because it’s about the giving. I then moved to what I would get my wife and children if I could afford it. Athletes can afford anything, but it sounds like they just get cars and a Jesus piece instead of what they really need. If I were Santa Claus and could give athletes what they need/deserve instead of what they can afford, things would be different. I made a list of gifts I would give as Santa Claus. It would start with Boyd and Jim getting coal for being perverts and then move on to athletes.

LeBron James: an improved outside shot.
Can you imagine how ridiculous he would be if he were a better shooter? My goodness.

Stephon Marbury: a coach that doesn’t hate him.
Remember when Steph was the man? He had the chance to stay with the Wolves and KG and form what looked like a duo that could do some things in the future. Steph could also use improved judgement.

Ricky Williams: weed.
I only want him to be happy.

Pacman Jones: his very own scrip club.
That’s how he pronounces it–scrip club. Classic. If he had his own, who would he try to kill when he frequents the establishment? I just want him to be safe.

OJ Simpson: a lethal injection.
The juice is seriously overdue.

Aaron Rogers: the ability to break all of Brett Farve’s records.
This one is completely out of spite. I’m fully on the Aaron Rogers bandwagon.

Vince Young: Prozac.
In honor of Boyd. He likes Vince better alive.

Michael Vick: better lawyers and a starting spot on Hell's football team.
When it comes to NFL players getting lawyers, Vick screwed up. How did OJ shred two people with a knife and get no jail time, but Mike gets two years for killing a dog? Vick’s lawyers suck, that’s how. I'm not saying Vick doesn't deserve it - he does. But if the Juice got off for killing two people...

Reggie Bush: absolutely nothing.
This guy is dating Kim Kardashian and he’s totally hot (I say this with an unblemished track record of heterosexuality). He doesn’t need anything else.

New York Yankees: more big money players.
The Yankees need more players that make a ton of money. Of course, this is conditional on them not winning a World Series with said players.

New York Mets: continuing meltdowns out of the bullpen.
This gift is purely for entertainment value. Especially after spending a ton of $ on relievers, continued failure would just be hilarious. Plus, it gives Jim the opportunity to come up with great nicknames.

Tim Duncan: some semblance of a personality/charisma.
I love Tim. He’s probably the best power forward to ever play the game. But he’s boring as hell.

Josh Howard: chronic.
See: Ricky Williams.

Soccer: to suck less.
This is self-explanatory.

Urban Meyer: some Oklahoma Sooners toilet bowl fresheners.
We all know that Urban likes to symbolically pee on his opponents...

BYU football fans: Rocky Long as defensive coordinator.
And less desire to wear socks with sandals.

Mike Leach: a bigger stage.
Lubbock is holding this guy down. He is truly amazing. Look it up.

Ocho Cinco: a touchdown.
My man Chad has only scored 4 TDs this season and that means we have been denied the opportunity to see creative celebrations. I miss the gold mohawk version of Chad.

Darko Milicic: anger management/coping skills.
The Human Victory Cigar. Here is why this gift is necessary. My sister thinks Darko rules.

Charles Barkley: whatever he wants.
I love Chuck. He can have anything.

Stephen A. Smith: a muzzle.
Will someone please shut this guy up? It pains me to say it, but I actually liked him at first.

Brett Farve: a crippling disease, a severe injury, common sense, decreased love for the spotlight, etc.
He can select any of the above as long as it means he’ll go away.

Travis Henry: decreased genital blood flow.
Travis has nine children from nine different women. I don’t know if he’s just not picky or has an insane libido, but something has got to change.

Now, this part is important. Please add to this list! What would you get a certain athlete? I know from the numbers that a lot of people read these posts. Add a comment - there are many more gifts that are needed.

No, I am Your Father LeBron.

2008-12-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

Who could forget this scene:

Not me. Even though I was like 5 when this movie came out, I almost crapped my pants when I found out that Darth Vader was the father of young Luke Skywalker. Well, I've got an inside scoop that is likely to make the sports world and blogosphere crap it's collective pants: LeBron James has found out who his true father is: Karl "The Mailman" Malone. (Not to be confused with Tyrone "The Milkman" Corbin.)

NBA players are prodigious at creating illegitimate babies, and Karl Malone, while not on a level with Shawn Kemp (7), is certainly at an All-Star, if not Hall of Fame level for creating 3 little lovechildren himself. We here at the Jockstrap have learned of a 4th illegitimate Malone child: LeBron James.*

Come on, people. It all makes perfect sense. LeBron and Karl are about the same height and weight, bare a striking physical resemblance, and are both extremely talented athletes, as are all of Malone's illegitimate children.

The Strap has learned that when LeBron found out about his true ancestry Tuesday Morning, his initial reaction was, unlike Luke, one of pure joy and jubilation. In fact, LeBron promised his father Karl that he would dedicate one of his dunks to the Mailman. And he followed through with it. Lebron payed homage to one of the lamest dunks in the history of the NBA (even some missed dunks have been cooler than this:

There really is no other explanation I can think of as to why LeBron would actually choose to re-create a dunk that should never have been created in the first place.

Congrats to LeBron, Karl, Karl's wife, and the James and Malone Families.

*this story is not true. Please don't sue me Lebron or Karl.

The Most Asinine Injuries In Sports

2008-12-08T16:04:00.000-08:00

In the last few months there have been some interesting off the field injuries in sports. Derrick Rose just cut himself by laying down on a knife that he had just used to slice an apple. Plaxico Burress shot himself (Plaxico is an amazing name by the way. I’m assuming he was born with fetal drug addiction, for obvious reasons). Monta Ellis injured himself while riding a moped. I remember a few years back when Jeff Kent told the Giants he broke his wrist when he fell out of his truck while washing it. Come to find out he likely broke it while riding a motorcycle. Roethlisburger anyone? The point is, there have been some tremendously asinine injuries in sports, on and off the field/court. Here are some of the best, in the form of a top ten list. There are many good ones that will not make the cut, so please feel free to comment on what I missed…

10. Adam Eaton
Eaton was so excited to watch his new DVD that he got out his trusty paring knife and began to cut open the packaging. He also began to cut open his stomach. While he was slicing the security tape he slipped and gouged himself in the stomach. He ended up in the ER for stitches. As a side note, thousands of people end up in the emergency room each year from hand injuries sustained while cutting bagels. We attempt to educate here at the Strap. Enjoy that one.

9. Alex Stepney
I had to look this one up, but it was worth it. Stepney, a goalie for Manchester United, was screaming at his defensemen to play harder. Stepney yelled so hard that he dislocated what is apparently a glass jaw.

8. Glenallen Hill
This one sounds made up, but it's true. I did the research. Glenallen suffers from arachnophobia. One night he fell asleep and had a dream about giant spiders. Startled, he jumped up out of bed and took off, hitting and breaking a glass table, and then falling down the stairs. He apparently had shards of glass stuck in him everywhere and was placed on the 15-day DL. In the spirit of full disclosure, I once had a similar experience while playing hoops in the front yard of my parent’s house. A loose ball was headed for the garage and I dove to save it. I happened to land on the back window of a car; it shattered and I ended up sitting in glass while everyone cracked up laughing. FYI, the shower I later took was extremely painful.

7. Jaromir Jagr
I’m not much of a hockey guy, but I know that Jagr was good. He also had a stellar mullet that has been discussed in past posts. Well, apparently Jagr was a tough guy too. Toward the end of a playoff loss Jagr was getting pretty fired up and he decided he was going to punch one of the New Jersey Devils. Jagr threw a big roundhouse left and got nothing but air. The miss also dislocated his shoulder. If this happened more frequently I would probably have more interest in hockey.

6. Marty Cordova
First off, any man who goes tanning is a wuss. Period. Men don’t lay out and they don’t hit the tanning bed to lay under the sun lamp. Well, apparently Marty Cordova deserves to have his genitals revoked. He once fell asleep in a tanning bed and burned so badly that he was ordered by doctors to stay out of the sun. Pretty soon he’ll be complaining to his teammates when they leave the toilet seat up.

5. George Brett
This isn’t really an injury, but I had to add this for obvious reasons. During the 1980 World Series, George Brett was battling more than just the Philadelphia Phillies. He was also up against a severe bout of hemorrhoids. Brett later commented the he would be remembered more for having 'roids during the World Series if it weren't for his exploding and attempting to murder an umpire over having pine tar on his bat.

4. Kevin Johnson
KJ will go down in history (for me) as having one of the best dunks of all-time. KJ has battled accusations of fondling 16-year-old girls to become the current mayor of Sacramento. As a reward for hitting a game-winning shot for the Suns, Johnson was given a big bear hug by the best analyst in sports, Charles Barkley. Chuck is a big son of a b, and he squeezed Johnson so hard that he dislocated his shoulder. As is true with Boyd, let there be no question about the awesomeness of Charles Barkley. Sometimes I wish he’d give Kenny Smith a bear hug…

3. Lionel Simmons
Lionel Simmons was a great college basketball player. I actually remember watching him play for LaSalle back when everyone wore a flat-top fade, big Karl Malone wrist bands, and Crocodile Hunter shorts. He could light it up. Simmons was just beginning to come into his own in the NBA when he had to sit out two games with wrist tendinitis. He sustained this injury from his rigorous playing of a Gameboy. Gameboys sucked, even back in the day. I can’t believe he admitted this injury—at least make up something better. Even Ray Barone claimed that his severe wrist injury occurred because he and his wife were getting frisky and they fell out of bed. Instead, Simmons admits to his being from playing Gameboy…

2. Bill Gramatica
It is really hard for me to not put this at #1. I absolutely cannot find video of this thing anywhere on the net. If you know where to find this, please let me know. It is essential. Anyhow, Gramatica kicked a field goal in the first quarter of a regular season game to put his team up 3-0. He decided to act like he just pulled a Vinatieri and won the Super Bowl or something—he starts pumping his fist and jumps in the air to celebrate… and promptly tore his ACL. Even with all his injuries, Greg Oden thinks that’s funny.

1. Gus Frerotte
Frerotte was taken off the field Sunday against the Lions for an injury, but at least he didn’t do it to himself. Back when he played (occasionally) for the Redskins, Gus ran one yard for the go-ahead touchdown and celebrated by spiking the football and slamming his head into a padded wall. While his celebration was not as creative as what TO, Ocho Cinco, or Steve Smith have come up with, the ramifications were tremendous. The wall was concrete with a thin padded covering. Gus immediately got dizzy and was taken to the hospital for treatment. Frerotte had to miss the second half and overtime. He ended up with a sprained neck for his efforts. To add insult to injury, Gus broke his hip in the following game.

So there you have it – feel free to add to the list or let me know what I did wrong. One of my friends just pointed out that I should have had Nancy Kerrigan on this list, but I don’t feel like adding any more. He’s right though, she belongs.

College Football-The Best Regular Season?

2008-12-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

Every time you hear someone saying that the BCS is a good thing, the first thing always spouting from their lips as support for their absurd claim is "College Football has the best regular season of any sport. Period!" like it is some sort of scientific fact. But is it true?

I think not. In fact, you would be hard pressed to find a more irrelevant regular season in all of sport. And why do I find the regular season so irrelevant? Because the post-season defines it as such. There are currently 119 FBS Teams, and for how many of them does the actual post-season matter? Two. Dos. Are you going to tell me that the bowl games matter to anyone? Half of the teams are pissed off about the crappy bowls they got into and end up losing to inferior teams. How is this exciting? College Football is the only sport that says that the post season literally does not matter at all. They play all of those games for it to come down to 1 important game, usually with participants that are no more deserving to be in the game than a handful of other teams. (Just like this year.)

How does this make the regular season the best of any sport? The vast majority of the over 1400 games played each season mean absolutely nothing. Look at Boise State. They won all 12 games they played and what has it gotten them? An invitation to the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl! (In other words, to a big, steaming pile of horse shit.)

In FBS, there are 55 teams that are not in a BCS Conference. That means that no matter what, 46 percent of the whole of the FBS begins the season knowing that NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO they could NEVER play in a BCS title game. Utah could go undefeated for the next 5 years, and the pollsters would still NEVER put them in a BCS title game because of the conference they play in.

Every other sport knows that it is the post-season that defines true champions. I would argue that there has never been a legitimate college football champion in my life or perhaps in the history of NCAA Division 1 (FBS) football. Why? Because nothing has ever been concretely decided on the field.

Despite this, everyone loves College Football, including me. But can you imagine it if the powers that be decided to make the regular season matter and add a playoff system that eliminates the doubts that every BCS championship has led to? I mean, an 8 or 16 team playoff hardly cheapens the regular season, and adds weeks of exciting, good games for fans and players. Adding a playoff does not weaken the regular season, it gives it meaning and context, something that it currently lacks.

Shame on you, College Football. You limit yourself by choosing of your own free will to define the regular season as completely useless drivel. It's time for a change. It's time for common sense to rule.

Sportsman's Twelve Days of Christmas

2008-12-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

It would seem that the holidays are upon us once more. By holidays I of course refer to the celebration of the birth of the sweet baby Jesus (sorry Jews). Christmas is a time to reflect, a season of giving, peace, and love. It is also a season filled with cheesy songs with syrupy lyrics that often times make me throw-up a little in my mouth. Unfortunately, my children love to listen to Christmas songs “from summer ‘til Santa comes down the chimney” (thank you Dr. Dre for that little tidbit). Because of my girl’s affinity for everything yuletide I got to thinking about my least favorite Christmas song of all time “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” I hate this song both because of its length and its gayness.

Though I will not attempt to completely rewrite the lyrics to this song, I will give a sports related rearranging of the twelve things my true love could send to me in order to make my holidays bright.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me Larry Bird in a pear tree...Because who really wants a partridge anyway? I mean David Cassidy was a douche and Danny Bonaduce is a train wreck. Now when I say I want a Larry Bird in a pear tree this would have to be Larry Bird in his prime, like the ‘85-’87 Larry, because what good would a 2008 Larry do me? He’s like 60 years old. Hell if I had to choose between the 2008 version of Larry Bird and any other avian named ballplayer I’m afraid I would have to take Brian Cardinal in a pear tree, or Sue Bird for that matter. But of all the birds I could choose for my pear tree Larry Bird would be the bird I love the most.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two Johan Santanas…Turtledoves? Really? Does anyone want turtledoves anymore? Now if my beloved New York Mets couldn’t at least win the division with two Johan Santanas then to hell with the whole bunch of them. I’m tired of hearing about the rumors. Will they sign K-Rod? Will they get Brian Fuentes? Can Doc Gooden stay off the blow long enough to pitch 200 innings? Enough already, and I actually love the Mets. This whole New York saga must be mind numbingly brutal for those of you who hate the Mets but still have to hear about them in the media. Omar Minaya just needs to clone Santana and let the good times roll.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me three French Canadian Hockey players…I can’t think of a single instrument that I would want less than one French horn let alone three of them. I’m sorry if that offends all one people in the world who play the French horn, but three of them is about two and a half too many. There are so many Canadians to choose from that I can hardly narrow it down to just three, but I wanted to stick with the whole “French” thing so here goes. I’ll take Wayne Gretzky, Gordie Howe, and Mario Lemieux. And if hockey is not your thing I can’t blame you because it’s not mine either. In that case I’ll take three Ned Hanlans, French Canadian Champion Rower, played by Nicholas Cage in “The Boy In Blue.” That’s right, I’ve never even heard of that movie or that guy, but boy that Ned Hanlan sure could row.

On the forth day of Christmas my true love gave to me four guys who imitate birdcalls on really late night ESPN…Instead of calling birds I went with bird callers. Genius, and if you’ve ever watched those guys do their birdcalls it’s funny as shit too. I don’t think you can TiVo it and watch it in the middle of the day if you really want to get the most laughs out of it. In order for you to laugh until tears stream down your face you really need to watch these hayseeds do a goose mating call at three o’clock in the morning when the insomnia has really taken root and you would prefer death to being awake. That’s when the bird callers are solid gold.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me five NBA Championship Rings…Now this would be really nice for most of the franchises in the NBA (like you Utah Jazz) but for me five Championship Rings would be about twelve too few. What I would really love is if this current group of Celtics could scratch out four more rings to go with their one they won last year. I know that’s a lot to ask for because some of those guys are getting older and it is unheard of in today’s NBA for a franchise to run off even three Championships in a row, but a guy can dream can’t I, especially on Christmas? I guess I might have to be happy with the second ring they are going to win this year and then the one they are probably going to win the year after that and then we’ll just have to see. KG, the Truth, and Sugar Ray deserve as many as they can get and in my song it’s “Fiiiiiiiive NBA Championship Rings!” Sung very angelically, so deal with it.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition models a-laying around my house…I mean come on, if you’re going to have anything a-laying around do you really want it to be geese? Have you ever been to a park where they let geese a-lay around some pond so that kids can feed them some scraps of bread? Well I have and let me tell you the acres of goose poop that you have to walk through to get to the semi-aggressive geese, that will FYI try and take your kid’s hand off if they don’t think the bread crumbs are coming fast enough, is some repugnant shit. I’ll take Marisa Miller, Heidi Klum, et al a-laying around my house any day. Just imagine it. There’s one on her hands and knees on the couch, one pressed up against the refrigerator in high heels with one foot lifted off the ground and her head thrown back in mock laughter her golden tresses perfectly fanned out to let the light from the fridge shine through, and there’s one trimming the Christmas tree if you know what I mean. I don’t even know what the other three are doing, but it would be fun to watch.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me seven Michael Phelpses a-swimming…Who needs swans when you’ve got Phelps? If the entire US Olympic swim team was made up of seven Michael Phelpses we would have like a gajillion gold medals and probably some in diving too. I know that the Olympics are lame and that swimming is even lamer, but you have to admit that seven Michael Phelpses a-swimming would be a tough team to beat. I probably could have gone with the Sports Illustrated swimsuit models again, but I already had them just a-laying around my house and my wife reads this blog so I went with seven Michael Phelpses a-swimming to keep things pleasant between her and I.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me eight maids a-milking…Now this is one of the lyrics that I would not change because who in their right mind doesn’t want to see eight maids a-milking? I imagine them to be French maids in corsets, with bosoms heaving, all while they sit on three legged milking stools just a-milking away, but your visual might be something entirely different. If, after they were done a-milking, you could then have them compete in a lumberjack competition, also a staple of late night ESPN, all the better. They get done a-milking and then they have to compete in the underhand chop, the standing block chop, tree climbing, the Jack and Jill crosscut (minus the Jack), and the hot saw competitions. Throw in the log rolling balance thingy and I dare say this sporting event is as close to perfect as it gets.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me nine ladies dancing…Again I stick with the original lyric and for good reason I might add. Over the years my wife and I have often had the argument as to what is and what is not a sport. Of course she says that gymnastics is a sport and I say that it is not because the score keeping is too arbitrary and nobody plays any defense. She will then go to ice skating, diving, and swimming. No, no, and no. All of these things are competitions and do require a certain skill set to be good at them, but they are not true sports. I will add to the list bowling, golf, and NASCAR so the ladies don’t think that I’m only disqualifying the things that they like. Then the conversation moves to dancing and this is where I will make a slight exception. I’ll sit down and watch “Dancing with the Stars” with my wife for two reasons; one, she thinks that I am finally enjoying one of her shows, and two, the ladies dancing on that show are hot and I’ll take nine of them please (not the fat one, give me two Julianne Houghs if we need to make up the numbers). Hey, it’s still not a sport, but I said my exception was slight.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me ten former NBA Dunk Champions a-leaping…Tell me that this contest wouldn’t be the most awesome thing you’ve ever seen. Can you imagine the line up? Dominique Wilkins, Kenny Walker, Michael Jordan, Spud Webb, Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter, Jason Richardson, Josh Smith, Dwight Howard, hell I’d even let LeBron James participate so that I could make my ten lords a-leaping the best ten leapers of all time. The judges would be throwing up 50s all night long and I think the thing would finally have to be decided in a bare-knuckles boxing match which I think LeBron would win because the dudes a beast. And before you say what about Dwight Howard he’s a bigger beast than LBJ just look at how much the dude smiles out their on the court, he’s soft and LeBron would punch him once in the throat and the thing would be over. However, you should never underestimate the little guy in a fight. With little man’s complex running wild Spud Webb would probably fight until he was burger. Where was I? Oh yeah, the dunks. The dunks would be awesome baby!

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me eleven guys on offense for the Chicago Bears who actually know how to play football…Eleven pipers piping? What the hell does that mean? It sounds gay whatever it is. I would just like to see the Bears put it together again like they did in ’85. Sure the ’85 team’s offense was not their strong suit, but at least they had some guys that you can remember (i.e. Walter Payton, Willie Gault, Jim McMahon). I love the Bears but would be hard pressed to name you six guys from their starting offense. Please sweet baby Jesus just let them put an offense together that doesn’t throw games away like the one they’ve assembled for the last twenty three years. A great defense should not be wasted the way that the Bear’s has been for as long as I can remember. You may want to keep your pipers piping, but all I ask for is a quarterback who can accept the ball from center without fumbling it, step back in the pocket with some confidence, survey the field with intelligence, and make an accurate throw to the guys wearing the same color jersey that he is wearing. Is that too much to ask?

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve Ray Lewises playing defense…Again the drummers drumming is nothing but lame, but think about twelve Ray Lewises playing defense. I know that he would have trouble covering fast receivers, but imagine the pass rush. The quarterback wouldn’t have time to take a three-step drop before at least four Ray Lewises were in the backfield pressuring the hell out of him. Running backs would be putting themselves on the “physically unable to play” list for the game against the Ray Lewises before the season even started. I realize that there are only eleven people allowed to play defense on any given play so most of you would think that the twelfth Ray Lewis would be completely unnecessary, but you’d be wrong. What if one of the Ray Lewises kills a couple of guys outside of a nightclub and then has to pin the rap on one of his entourage and while doing community service is forced to miss a couple of games? What then? I bet you wish you had another Ray Lewis to fill that Ray Lewis’ roster spot so that you didn’t have to bring in some other dude who might bring the intensity way down. I like to think ahead. That’s why in my song I asked for twelve Ray Lewises instead of eleven. Booya!

And so it is with great pleasure that I bring to you the Sportsman’s version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas”
Lyrics by me
Music by Frederic Austin

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve Ray Lewises playing defense.
Eleven guys on offense for the Chicago Bears who actually know how to play football.
Ten former NBA Dunk Champions a-leaping.
Nine ladies dancing.
Eight maids a-milking.
Seven Michael Phelpses a-swimming.
Six Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition models a-laying around my house.
FIIIIIIIIVE NBA Championship Rings!
Four guys who imitate birdcalls on really late night ESPN
Three French Canadian Hockey players
Two Johan Santanas.
And a Larry Bird in a pear tree.

Comparing NBA Stars and Superheroes

2008-12-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

Every time you turn on the TV and see Dwight Howard of the Magic, someone starts calling him Superman. Yes, I saw the "dunk" he had in the dunk contest he won last year with the cape and the cute little outfit and all. But I wouldn't equate Dwight Howard with Superman. Dwight Howard has all sorts of holes in his game: Superman was pretty much indestructible. Dwight Howard was more like He-Man-really strong, buff as hell, agile, but not that awesome. And if Dwight Howard is He-Man, does that make Jameer Nelson Battle Cat? Hmmm, I feel a random list of comparisons of NBA players and Superheroes coming on......

The Incredible Hulk-Shaquille O'neal
The physical comparisons are obvious here. On the court, Shaq is all brute force, strength, and punishment for the opposition. In his prime, he was not only the strongest player ever, but was supremely agile and nimble for his size. But, off the court, he is mild mannered and gentle, not unlike the alter-ego of The Incredible Hulk, Bruce Banner. Sure, Shaq may have asked Kobe to tell him how his ass tastes (I'm guessing salty and foul), but that was all in good fun. Who hasn't asked a loved one to tell them how their ass tastes? Lord knows I have. Shaq regularly volunteers his time to charity and good causes, such as becoming a Deputy Sherrif. But don't make Shaq angry. You wouldn't like him when he's angry.

Batman-Kevin Garnett
The basis for comparing Batman and KG are 2. Anger and Intensity. Have you ever watched KG out on the court? No one brings the intensity more than him. KG trash talks himself more than any other player in the league trash talks anyone else. Batman doesn't talk trash, per se, but he is an intense dude. He is cordial enough as Bruce Wayne, but as Batman he is a total bad-ass. Batman has a rage and an anger behind what he does that is imitated by KG on the court. The on-court microphones pick up KG saying the F word more than the rest of the players in the league combined. (But not more than Jerry Sloan.) Like Bruce Wayne, KG seems like a nice guy most of the time, but when it's time to put on the uniform, it's all crazy-ass business.

Spider Man-Dwayne Wade
Who doesn't love Spidey? He may not be the biggest or strongest superhero, but he gets the job done with tenacity, mad agility, and brains. The same can be said for Dwayne Wade. He isn't the biggest guard, but he is the perfect blend of speed, power and athleticism. He is extremely intense, and that intensity makes up for a suspect jump shot. Wade just keeps bringing it at you like you are Mr. Sandman or Dr. Octopus. Fall Seven times, get up eight. (whatever the hell that means.)

Wolverine-Kobe Bryant
As a child, my favorite superhero, by far, was Wolverine. Wolverine is the ultimate bad-ass. He is extremely strong and tenacious, and every time he gets knocked down, he gets right up and comes back for more. He has a mean streak that is legendary among superheroes. Kobe is no different. He's the second best blend of size,power, speed, and athleticism in the NBA (to LeBron James, with D-Wade a close 3rd),and he just goes and goes and goes all night long. Hell, anyone who scored 81 points in a game can be trusted to be a cold blooded assassin. Kobe is kind of an outsider and is known to have a legendary temper, like Wolverine. Kobe, by escaping all of the negativity that has come his way, has proven that he, like Wolverine, is basically indestructible.

Superman-LeBron James
Now we've gotten to the true Superman of the NBA, LeBron James. James is clearly the best player in the league, and does things that no other player has ever done. He was the best player ever for his age at 18,19,20,21,22, and 23. He is the best 4th quarter player in the league and has been for years, as evidenced by actual statistics, not just some rambling asses on the TV calling Kobe Bryant "the best closer in the game." (better shooting, passing, rebounding, +/- , lower turnovers, more blocks and steals, but hey, what do stats show?) Now, when you look at Superman, you see a near perfect specimen. Big, strong, basically invincible. Except for Kryptonite. Well, outside shooting is LeBron James' Kryptonite. Oh well, LeBron might be even better than Superman someday, as he can always improve his outside shooting, Superman could never get over Kryptonite.

Optimus Prime-Tim Duncan
I'm going to swipe this directly from Wikipedia to describe Optimus Prime:
Optimus Prime is depicted as a heroic, brave and compassionate character who puts all his talent to use to improve the world around him. Optimus has a strong sense of justice and righteousness, and has dedicated himself to the protection of all life, particularly the inhabitants of Earth; he will battle his foes with unyielding resolve to uphold this belief.
Doesn't that basically describe Tim Duncan? He is heroic, brave and seemingly as righteous as they come. His fundamentals are just and although they do not literally protect Earth, they protect the foundations of the game from devolving into street ball. Sure, there was that one time when he said the NBA dress code was "basically retarded," but who cares? I'm sure he's shown tons of compassion to "retards" everywhere.

Now, no list of NBA Superheroes would be complete without mentioning the worst "superhero" of all time, and his NBA comparison, so here goes:

Robin-Brian Scalabrine
Does Robin actually have any super powers? Not that I know of. His only real skill is that of being an albatross hung around the neck of Batman. Dude is always causing Batman loads of problems. Same with Scal. He is such a joke of an NBA player that now, every time he gets the ball the fans, in mockery, start cheering for him to shoot. He has actually become a caricature of himself, which is saying something as he was already basically just a caricature of a big red-headed quasi-NBA player.

Please feel free to add your own in the comment section.

The BCS Title Game - Who Will It Be?

2008-12-01T21:25:00.000-08:00

Now that PlayBoyd has firmly established himself as the awesome Silverback Gorilla in the jungle that is the Jockstrap, I’ll just continue to go about my business in his enormous shadow. I hope this will suffice while you all wait with bated breath for his next comparison post...

Today I need to talk college football. We’re all seeing firsthand why the BCS is so amazing. Who should play in the BCS title game? Texas? Texas Tech? Oklahoma? USC? Penn State? Even Utah? This, my friends, is exactly why the BCS is so great. I’m not saying it’s the best system out there—not even close—but it does get people all irate about college football. In and of itself, that is a beautiful thing.

If the BCS were not in place this college football season would not have all of this drama. There are six one-loss teams (Texas, Florida, Oklahoma, USC, Texas Tech, Penn State) from major conferences that have a legitimate argument for being in the BCS title game. Personally, I’d rather see an eight team playoff pitting those teams, along with Utah and Alabama, against each other. It would be great. But instead we get this controversy. So, the question remains: Who should play in the BCS Title game? Whoever wins the Florida-Alabama game will get in, but who deserves to face the winner of that game? The candidates:

USC (BCS #5)
The Trojans have beaten two BCS top 25 teams at home this season (Oregon and The Ohio State) and lost on the road to Oregon State, who is not in the BCS top 25. Because of the weak Pac-10 this season (only two teams in the BCS top 25) USC doesn’t have the resume to match up against the other one-loss teams. The Trojans are out.

Penn State (BCS #8)
Penn State suffers from the same thing as UCS—a conference that is crappier than normal. Penn State defeated two BCS top 25 teams (The Ohio State and Michigan State) and lost to Iowa, who pretty much sucks. Penn State did stomp the absolute crap out of Oregon State, who beat USC, but the resume isn’t impressive enough. The Nittany Lions are out. Too bad, because this team was probably Paterno’s last chance to get to the title game as he is likely to pass any day now.

Texas Tech (BCS #7)
The Red Raiders (anyone want to clue me in on what a Red Raider is? I don’t care enough to look it up, but if someone wants to provide the information for Strap readers, please do) have a pretty decent argument to get into the title game. Their only loss was on the road to the BCS #2 team. They have defeated the #3 team (Texas) and the #14 team. Tech likely won’t get in because of the 65-21 pounding they took at the hands of Oklahoma two weeks ago and the fact that they won’t be winning their conference title. They also barely scraped by Nebraska and Baylor by 6 and 7 points, respectively. Tech has had a very impressive year, but they likely won’t even play in a BCS bowl game even though they boast an 11-1 record. That is as good a reason as any to go to a playoff. Tech is getting screwed.

Texas (BCS #3)
The Horns played four top 20 teams this year and beat three of them. The only loss was to Texas Tech on the road on the last play of the game. Texas beat Oklahoma on a neutral field, and beat Missouri and Oklahoma State at home. Texas has a legit claim to be in the title game, but they won’t even play in the Big 12 conference championship game. Some people, like Rob, have a moral problem with allowing a team that didn’t win its conference to play in the BCS title game. So what happens if Oklahoma loses to Mizzou? Texas and Texas Tech become ineligible and we go to Penn State or USC? Penn State drubbed Oregon State, the only team that SC lost to, so Florida/Alabama vs. Penn State in the title game? Or how about another team that beat Oregon State?

Utah (BCS #6)
Utah would legitimately be in the BCS again this year even if it were under the old rules of a non-BCS team having to be in the top 6. That is seriously impressive. The Utes haven’t beaten anybody all that special, but they have beaten the Beavers, as well as BYU and TCU, both in the BCS top 25. Utah also has one thing that none of these other teams have—an unblemished record. Every BCS team would throw a fit if Utah got in, but who cares? Do it just to be different. Plus, everyone loves rooting for the underdog. Utah vs. Florida in the national title game? That would be awesome. I get the feeling Urban would try to hang 60 on his old school and I’d be interested to see if he could do it.

Oklahoma (BCS #2)
Texas fans are all pissing and moaning about beating Oklahoma head-to-head, but when you add in Texas Tech and have a three way tie, you have to look at the overall body of work. Oklahoma’s body of work is just more impressive than is Texas’s. Oklahoma has played five BCS top 20 teams and beaten four of them. Their only loss is to the BCS #3 on a neutral field—that’s a quality loss if there is such thing. If Oklahoma beats Mizzou next week they will have beaten five BCS top 20 teams (TCU, Cincy, Tech, & Oklahoma State). The Sooners have not only beaten those teams, they’ve crushed them by an average margin of victory of 29! That is awesome. Oklahoma’s body of work is impressive and they deserve to be in the BCS title game over Texas, Texas Tech, USC, Penn State, or Utah. Plus, I predicted that Oklahoma would win the National Title in my college football preview, so the Sooners getting there would help me feel validated.

You'rewelcomesgiving

2008-12-01T11:25:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving has now come and gone. A brief report on my family spread: Turkey and cranberries (of course), stuffing, green bean salad, sweet potato with banana and honey casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, relish plate, homemade rolls, Cherry, Apple, Banana Cream & Pumpkin Pies. It was a wonderful meal enjoyed in the presence of people I mostly like. My body is now recovering from the copious amounts of Turkey and stuffing I ate Thanksgiving and in the immediate days following. My farts are no longer smelling like pure Turkey, and are regaining their normal potency. (My poor wife. If you think regular strength Boyd is bad, you should smell extra-strength Boyd.)

Anyway,at this time of year, we are urged to give thanks for all of the wonderful things we have in this country, like Tivo and Breast Implants. The Holidays can bring out the best and worst in people, but they are, for the most part, a time for people to show gratitude for their blessings. And today, I feel like it is time for some of you to give gratitude for one of your greatest blessings: Me. Today is officially You'rewelcomesgiving.

You're welcome for my awesomeness. I know that sometimes you people tend to take my awesomeness for granted, but remember the feelings you have in your heart when I fail to post an article, or clearly mail one in, and realize that the inverse feeling that you get when I do post comes from my utter awesomeness. I mean, you don't feel half as bad or cheated when T-Bone posts some shitty email about Tim Tebow as you do when I write a lazy list of links to other blogs (although those blogs are all great.) Why don't you feel like that when T-Bone sucks and do feel it when I suck? My awesomeness.

You're welcome for my endless comparisons. You know you loved it when I compared Rush with Kwame Brown, and you love that I think that Kwame Brown is probably getting a raw deal on that comparison. And when I compared the Knicks to Angela Lansbury? That was the stuff legends are made of. Look forward to the upcoming months, as surely more of these types of things will come into my mind. You're welcome in advance.

You're welcome for my humility. If I were more conceited, it would make this blog unbearable. But because I am a pillar of humility, you can come here and bask in our glow. I am so thankful to myself for my humility.

If you can think of anything else, please feel free to comment. If not, I'll just have to be content knowing in my heart that you don't comment because you don't want to cheapen your appreciation for me by putting it into words.

Shame On You America

2008-11-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

This is going to be short as I am trying to enjoy the holidays with my family. Thanksgiving was a success. We enjoyed the dinners (both at my parent's house and at my in-laws). There is nothing better than eating a delicious meal surrounded by loved ones, enjoying the comforts of hearth and home, and discussing the many things for which we are grateful. It was a wonderful day spent thinking of others and thanking the Lord above for our many blessings.

Put that in stark contrast with today's activities. "Black Friday" as it is called across this great nation of ours, is upon us. It is ironic that this day of aggressiveness and greed would follow so closely behind Thanksgiving that it is now tramping all over the coattails of the Pilgrims themselves. I refuse to enter the stores on this day as it only makes me shed a single bitter tear for our once proud country. My pregnant wife entered the fray this morning at some ungodly hour and was pushed, shoved, and run over by greedy men and women alike. She was unable to reach the back of the store in time to purchase an item that she had her eyes on because in her delicate state she was unwilling, and perhaps unable, to elbow old women out of the way, or pin a child between a shopping cart and the shoe racks by his neck.

I hope you all got everything that you "needed" to make your yuletides bright. I thought the country was in a recession, but I guess when you can get a progressive scan DVD player that normally costs $39.00 for $25.00 recession be damned. Who cares if you have to ram your cart into the back of somebody's heel or shove a pregnant woman into a stack of $3 CDs to be first in line at the greed-fest.

Shame on you America.

BYU v. Utah - The Aftermath

2008-11-24T22:08:00.000-08:00

Sports fans can’t seem to give credit where it is due. Why can’t we give credit to whoever beats our favorite team? There is always some excuse instead of saying the better team won. Well, congratufreakinglations, Utes fan. You get to go to the BCS for the second time while listening to BYU fans tell you that you’re overrated, even though you beat the Cougars by 24 points.

Even though I am a BYU fan, I will not be telling you that I think Utah is overhyped or doesn’t deserve to go to the BCS. You won't get any pictures of the game in this post, but the fact of the matter is this: Utah is 12-0. Period. I’m not going to go with the “you didn’t really play anybody” argument either. Going undefeated in D-1 football (I’m still not calling it the FBS) is quite an accomplishment no matter who you play. On top of that, Utah beat three top-25 teams this season in Oregon State, TCU, and BYU. Anyone who watched the TCU-BYU game knows how good the Horned Frogs are. And for the record, the name Horned Frogs deserves two thumbs up.

As I stated in my post last week, seeing Utah beat BYU at anything makes me sick. I get irritated when I find out Utah beat BYU in women’s soccer, but last Saturday was pretty bad. Then I get to read Body’s (see comments to Utah post) post about the “mighty Utes” yesterday and it only exacerbates things. Mighty Utes. In my book that should be an oxymoron. But it isn’t—the Utes are good.

I’m already sick of hearing (and reading) about how the Utes are overrated. If this comes from a Florida or Texas fan I can handle it, but when it comes from a Cougar fan after a 24-point beat down it comes off as you just being a sourpuss. As a BYU fan, I now make this plea to other Cougars fans: Please don’t piss and moan about the Utes being a fraud or "not that good." Don’t go with the “we only lost because Max Hall was playing for both teams” crack. Don’t just say “the Utes suck, BYU gave them that game.” When you make these arguments, we all look bad. Please stop. All I’m saying is, if you’re going to run your mouth (as we all know BYU fans love to do, myself included) please make a legitimate claim. Don’t just spit out whatever is in your head out of frustration. The Utes doubled up BYU on Saturday. It’s a fact. It sucks, but Cougars fans whining and blaming it on everything other than Utah being a good football team makes us look like idiots. The outcome of the game doesn’t mean BYU sucks, it means that Utah played better, won the game, and finished unbeaten.

I have friends that are BYU fans that will surely tell me this post sucks or that I’m selling out. I’ve already heard it from people in conversation over the weekend. We seem to take losses so personally - I’ve heard two years worth of it from Utah fans. I hear about how BYU shouldn’t have won the last two matchups and that it was luck, or the refs, or the fault of one defensive lapse… Hearing that crap for two years got old. BYU made the plays to win the game. This year Utah made the plays, and I have to deal with it for the next year. So I’m going to sack up, put the big pants on, and give credit where it is due. Nice job Utah. Congrats. And I look forward to revenge next year.

Utah

2008-11-24T10:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to gloat too much, and so this will be brief.

It gave me great pleasure to finally see Utah play up to their potential on Saturday. Most of this year, they have struggled and scraped by against the good teams they have played, having to come back against Oregon State, and basically getting a miracle win handed to them by the Fates against TCU.

Not Saturday. Saturday, they put a major-league butt whipping on BYU. The Final was 48-24, but believe it or not, it wasn't that close. Utah dropped SEVERAL easy interceptions on drives BYU eventually scored on. Max Hall could have easily thrown seven or eight picks if the Utes could catch. That being said, the score was 27-24 at one point and I was thinking "here we go again."

BYU was exposed as a little bit of a fraud this year, having played a cream puff schedule. Those of you who follow the Mountain West will know that BYU didn't fare well in the 2 games they had against decent competition. (Utah and TCU.) They only beat 0-11 Washington on a cheap penalty flag at the end of the game. Oh well, that program is still solid and is headed in the right direction. One of these years they might get a BCS bid themselves.

Not this year, though. Nope, that honor resides with the mighty Utes. Hopefully they represent themselves well. Either way, we got the win that matters most against or rival, and will get everyone in the conference a big payday, so you're welcome BYU and other MWC trash. (I never said I wasn't going to gloat, just that I wouldn't gloat too much.)

Maybe next year, we can ride your cottails to a big payday, but probably not.
PEACE

How Many Athletes Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?

2008-11-20T16:07:00.000-08:00

While I do not normally participate in the mundane telling of preconceived jokes (knock, knock. Who's there? Nobody gives a damn. Etc.), today I would like to explore a number of famous athletes and their ability or inability to screw in the proverbial light bulb.

Kobe Bryant

Though it has been established over the course of Kobe's life that he certainly has the ability to screw things, it remains uncertain whether or not one of those screwable objects is a light bulb. It would be trite and a bit too easy for me to simply say something like: "How many Kobe Bryants does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. All he has to do is hold the light bulb and let the Earth revolve around him." One thing is certain though, Kobe has a great team of high-priced lawyers to help him if he is ever accused of screwing in any light bulb, be it consensual or forced. One can only assume that with Kobe's seemingly unlimited skill set, the task of screwing in a simple light bulb would be taken in stride, though a little beneath him (no pun intended).

Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones

Pacman has a myriad of problems: guns, alcohol, drugs, strippers, strip club shootouts resulting in the death of innocent bystander, ADHD (not confirmed, but come on now), and pro wrestling. While his laundry list of offenses and shortcomings is incredibly long I don't think that it includes trouble with petite motor skills. Screwing in a light bulb should be no problem for a man who uses his hands for a living, after all his profession involves holding, pushing, grabbing, catching, flashing gang signs, and making it rain. Surely screwing in a light bulb can't be more difficult that locking fingers in a mercy fight with Triple H, or firing several rounds of ammunition into the air to warn all haters that he ain't messin' around. Never having had the experience, I can only assume that it takes finger dexterity to work a roach clip, but I could be wrong.

Shaquille O'neal

I think there is no doubt as to whether or not Shaq could screw in a light bulb. Of course he can. The question is whether he would use magic to accomplish this feat or a more traditional method. "Kazaam! The light bulb is in." With the big fella reaching heights of over seven feet tall he certainly would not need a ladder to do his screwing, and if you ask his ex-wife he doesn't even need to be home or with her to do his screwing either. Shaq would most definitely give himself a hilarious nickname while doing this task. Something like "The Big Electrician" or "The Big Honey-Do List Accomplisher". Perhaps if the ceilings were incredibly high and none of Shaq's posse were around to screw the light bulb in for him he might get out a ladder and begin the task of screwing by himself (not like that you sick bastards. Get your minds out of the gutter). Maybe while he was up there standing high above the ground it would be a more opportune moment than at a hip-hop club to ask his "best friend" Kobe how exactly his ass tastes.

Tim Duncan

I could go into a bunch of crazy reasoning as to whether or not Timmy could screw in a light bulb, I could try to use slight of hand, wit, or sarcasm. I could talk about how on the island Tim grew up on they probably didn't even have light bulbs, or how he plays lights out most of the time, or some other such drivel, but we all know that the answer to this question is just as simple and fundamental as this big man's game. Yes. Yes he can.

*Derek Fisher would use his kid's cancer to get out of screwing in a light bulb.

*Greg Oden would break his wrist, knee, and ankle trying to screw in a light bulb. Plus his osteoporosis is too highly advanced because he's probably like 87 years old.

*Rex Grossman would fumble the light bulb when accepting it from the hardware store clerk and then recklessly throw it into a group of light bulbs from the opposing team.

*Tiger Woods would screw the light bulb in from 120 yards with a soft pitching wedge and insane backspin.

*Ray Lewis would allegedly murder his light bulb outside a club, pass the blame on to one of his buddies for a promised sum of money once said friend served his time, and then win defensive player of the year.

I had a couple of other examples, but not very much time, so enjoy and feel free to add anything you would like. I've got to go screw in a light bulb.

BYU-Utah: The Holy War

2008-11-19T22:50:00.000-08:00

It’s time for the Holy War. It should be called the Holier Than Thou War if we must go that route, but I don’t get to run the show. I am definitely biased when it comes to this matchup, so I should mention that up front. I hate the Utes. I also respect the U, but I hate everything about that team and I hope BYU pounds the crap out of them. I realize that’s not going to happen, and that is one of the things that makes this rivalry great.

I’ve been to at least 10 or 15 BYU-Utah games and it’s always crazy. I remember going to the game at Rice-Eccles in 2000 and thinking that I might not make it out of the stadium in tact. BYU and Utah fans hate each other. The fact that Boyd and I get along is an anomaly in this rivalry. It's probably because we look at things more realistically than most BYU or Utah fans. It’s hard being a Cougars fan because I often get lumped into the Embarrassment or My Cup Runneth O’er categories. But I’m still a die-hard Cougars fan (by the way, Utah lost to SW Baptist in basketball last week – at home. I know, I know, college hoops sucks, but it needed to be said).

Notice how great these teams have been over the past 2 years or so: Utah has won 19 of its last 20 and BYU has won 20 of its last 21. Both teams are winning at a 95% clip! The teams have split the last 12 meetings. In the last eleven games between BYU and Utah, only one has been decided by double digits (Utah won 52-21 in 2004, the year they broke the BCS under Urban Meyer). The last three games have been unreal, with one going into overtime, one decided on the last play, and the other being decided in the final two minutes. I’m stoked because the game on Saturday should be no different. In looking forward to Saturday, here are my big questions:

Can the Utah secondary keep Austin Collie from having a big game?
Will the U go about defending Collie with business as usual or will they specifically put McCain or Smith on him? Smith is bigger and more physical, but McCain is faster and the better cover man. The Ute defense will catch a break if Dennis Pitta can’t play, because they will be able to really focus on Collie. My guess is that Collie will extend his streak of 100-yard games to ten.

Can the BYU offensive line protect Max Hall?
Probably not. The BYU offensive line was shellacked by the TCU defensive line and Utah’s is almost as athletic. The Utah coaching staff will have some new wrinkles to throw at the Cougar line and will likely be able to force Hall to get happy feet. Seemed to work for the Horned Frogs...

Can the BYU defense slow down the Utah offense?
I’d be surprised. The BYU defense ranks 21st in scoring defense and has had two shutouts this year, but those stats are deceiving. This defense is just not very good. Utah runs an offense that uses a lot of misdirection to keep defenses off balance. The BYU defense has looked terrible against teams that run those kinds of offenses this year, so why would it be any different Saturday? Look for the Utes to put a big number on the board.

Will anyone choke?
I ask this question because both quarterbacks are so freaking clutch. Brian Johnson has led the Utes on some impressive fourth-quarter drives. He led an amazing comeback against Oregon State earlier this year, a last minute touchdown drive against TCU, and last year against BYU he took the Utes to the end zone to take the lead in the final minutes. Max Hall has done the same thing for the Cougars. Hall has led the team on game-winning drives against Utah last year, and UNLV, Colorado State, and Washington this year. Both are cool in the clutch and have impressive records as a starting quarterback (Johnson 24-7, Hall 21-3). I wouldn’t bet against either of them.

Which team will be more prepared?
Based on what I’ve seen in the past three years with Kyle and Bronco it should be about even. Here is where the edge comes in – Kyle appears to be much better at making adjustments. If BYU starts fast, expect Utah to counterattack by throwing something different at them. If Utah starts fast, expect BYU to make adjustments when it’s too late.

Who will win?
As a BYU fan I want nothing more than to see the U lose their BCS opportunity in a flameout. I think BYU has the better offense, but Utah has the advantage on defense and special teams. Throw in the home field advantage and the Utes are looking good. I hope I’m wrong, but I’m picking Utah 38-30.

Eighties Cocaine Quiz

2008-11-19T15:21:00.000-08:00

She don't lie, she don't lie, she don't lie, cocaine. JJ Cale wrote an awesome song, made even more popular by Eric Clapton. Now, I don't know why, but for some reason, everyone, and I mean everyone was using cocaine in the 80's. I even heard babies were growing their pinky fingernails long to make it easier to get high. Ok, that isn't true, but one group of people that definitely was using cocaine was athletes. Every time you turned around, some famous athlete was getting busted for using cocaine. Some great careers were ruined by this stuff. I decided to make a quiz to see if you all remember who was using in the Eighties. I hope you don't do too well on this, or it might be a little suspicious. Assume one point for each correct answer. Answers and key provided at bottom of quiz.

QUIZ:

1. What future Hall of Fame player would kick off the 80's cocaine craze by being caught in 1980 with 3 grams of cocaine at a customs office in Toronto, Canada?

A. Steve Carlton
B. Jim Palmer
C. Keith Hernandez
D. Lenny Dykstra
E. Ferguson Jenkins

2. This MLB Player spent over $40,000 on Cocaine in 1982, and claimed that he slid headfirst while stealing a base so as to not break the vial of coke that he hid in his hip pocket during games.

A. Vince Coleman
B. Juan Samuel
C. Tim Raines
D. Darryl Strawberry
E. Dave Parker

3. In a voluntary drug test to "End the gossip," this MLB player tested positive for cocaine in 1987 and missed a third of the season while in rehab.

A. Tim Raines
B. Dwight Gooden
C. Willie Wilson
D. Lee Mazilli
E. Steve Howe

4. This NBA baller complained that his liftime suspension in 1986 for multiple positive cocaine tests was unfair because the league never suspended Chris Mullin for being a drunk.

A. Roy Tarpley
B. Len Bias
C. John Drew
D. Michael Ray Richardson
E. Chris Mullin

5. This player was suspended a record 7 times for cocaine and alcohol abuse and proved that if you have a left arm and can throw even reasonably well, they will give you shot after shot at playing in the big leagues, even if you are tanked full of coke.

A. Steve Howe
B. Darryl Strawberry
C. Willie Wilson
D. Chili Davis
E. Randy Johnson

6. Named the 1984 NBA Comeback Player of the Year for "cleaning up" from cocaine addiction, only to be banned from the league in 1986

A. Roy Tarpley
B. David Thompson
C. Len Bias
D. John Drew
E. Kevin McHale

7. Once considered a sure-fire MLB Hall-of-Famer, had his career derailed in the early 80's due to cocaine usage. Testified during the Pittsburgh drug trials.

A. Tim Raines
B. Jim Rice
C. Willie Wilson
D. Darryl Strawberry
E. Dave Parker

8. This star proved that you can excell at Line Backer in the NFL if you are all hopped up on coke. He was not only high on the stuff most of the time, but could probably smell any cocaine the opposing quarterback was hiding in his uniform. (It was the 80's after all.)

A. Lawrence Taylor

Had to be one freebie in there.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Scoring Key
0-1 You used recreationally in the 80's, but preferred cheaper drugs like marijuana or LSD.
2-3 You used at parties, and maybe had a bender or two, but never took it into the 80's buisness office. You probably also had a mullet.
4-5 You, along with Richard Pryor, were freebasing all of the time, just to get high a little faster. You probably had Dwight Gooden on speed dial.
6-7 You certainly did things, both of a sexual and non-sexual variety, of which you are definitely regretful in order to get your cocaine on.
8 Get to rehab. Now. I don't care if you've been twice. Do it for you family. Do it. Do it.

Answer Key:
1. E. Ferguson Jenkins
2. C. Tim Raines
3. B. Dwight Gooden
4. D. Michael Ray Richardson
5. A. Steve Howe
6. D. John Drew
7. E. Dave Parker

Facts about Tim Tebow

2008-11-17T21:11:00.001-08:00

One of my friends is a huge Florida Gators fan. It borders on obsession. He sent me an email awhile ago that made me laugh. Because the Gators are currently making a push as the best college football team in the country, here are 15 facts about Tim Tebow, the 2007 Heisman Trophy winner.

15. Tim Tebow once stiff-armed a horse. Its descendants are known as giraffes.

14. Tim Tebow caught the roadrunner, and then beat the hell out of Wil E. Coyote for being a pansey.

13. Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas.

12. Tim Tebow can eat just one Lays potato chip. Don't tell Tim Tebow what he can't do.

11. Tim Tebow invented black. In fact, Tim Tebow invented the entire spectrum of light. Except pink. Bobby Bowden invented pink.

10. Tim Tebow invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football. In that order.

9. God wanted to create the world in 10 days, but Tim Tebow only gave him 6.

8. Tim Tebow once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

7. Tim Tebow once ate an entire cake before his friends could inform him that there was a stripper in it.

6. The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Tim Tebow has been there. In that case, the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

5. Tim Tebow recently had the idea to sell his canned urine as a beverage. This is now known as Red Bull.

4. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Tim Tebow, each testicle is larger than the other one.

3. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

2. Tim Tebow won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong that it wasn't a big deal. Tim Tebow thinks yellow wrist bands are gay.

1. After sex, Tim Tebow smokes. Not cigarettes - his penis literally smokes.

Monday Morning Mash-Up

2008-11-17T09:05:00.000-08:00

It is a glorious Monday morning here in Salt Lake City, Utah. I don't feel like doing much, so I'm going to let others do the work for me today. Here is my mash-up of websites I enjoy reading. Check them out, you might find something you enjoy.

The Starting Five(Non-Sports):

NO. - You may wonder why I link to a blog that hasn't updated since January and I say just read what's there. It is wonderful.

just Phil-This is a new blog made by one of our frequent commenters, Phil. This blog is sublime, yet achingly poetic

Metacritic.com -A great website that takes movie, tv, music, and video games and averages the critical scores to give you a more accurate feel for what critcs think about things, rather than just getting your local newspaper hack's dumb-ass opinion. (now you can get 30 dumb-ass hack's opinions.)

Cheeth - Cheeth is a wonderful journey into the insights and wild musings of a 5'6" red-haired Mormon living in the small city of Japan

The Answer Is Always More Cowbell-The wealthy musings of a mad genius, often written in semi-stream of consciousness.

The Role Players (Sports):

TrueHoop-Henry Abbot of ESPN.com writes an excellent NBA blog

prosportsdaily.com-I use this to find a lot of Celtics stories, but it can be used for any major sports team to find stories relevant for their fanbases.

ballyhpe.com-a site that links to a lot of popular sports sites. You could call it a hub, if you wanted.

Check 'em out.

Food and the NBA

2008-11-13T22:28:00.000-08:00

Okay, this is going to be a little crazy. I was sitting here watching a couple of different NBA games and then I got to thinking about how hungry I am. As I was trying to decide what to eat I got to thinking about a list of my favorite foods. I then said to myself, "Self, I love the NBA so much and I also love food. I love the Celtics and I love pizza. Mmmm, pizza. Hey, if NBA players were food who would be spaghetti and meat balls?" (I told you it was going to be crazy).

Pizza-Paul Pierce

This was an obvious choice for me because both are my favorite. I loves me some Paul Pierce just like I loves me some pizza. Pizza has so many different options. You can go with plain cheese, hawaiian, or pepperoni which is a favorite in my household, but your choices don't end there, not by a long shot. Sausage, olives, mushrooms, onions, peppers, ham, bacon, hamburger, and tomatoes are all delicious backed into a pizza pie. Some people like goat cheese and artichoke hearts on their pizza (which sounds disgusting to me) but never having tried it, I can't say if it's good or not. To me, Paul Pierce is like pizza. Pierce can give it to you so many ways. He has the sweet outside shot and on occasion if he sets his mind to it can rain threes down on you from any spot around the arc. He can post up, he can slash to the basket, he has a midrange game, he can fade away, he plays in the middle of the key, on the wing, or from the baseline. Pierce can shoot free throws so you can foul him and send him to the line because he'll kill you. Some people will argue that Kobe should be pizza, but Kobe is too much of an A-hole to be sweet, beautiful pizza. Pizza would never cheat on his wife or allegedly rape his lady friend, that's more a sushi or lamb chops move. And Lebron can't be pizza because he can't shoot and believe me when I say it, pizza can shoot the lights out.

Fillet Mignon-Tim Duncan

I enjoy a succulent steak whenever I can afford one (I'm not talking about a steak at Sizzlers now, I'm talking about a beautiful piece of center cut fillet about three inches thick and cooked to perfection by a real chef, not a guy who works at the taco cart part time and will drywall your basement for beer). Steak is a staple of american cuisine. It is basic, simple, but extremely delicious. Steak is best when seasoned with salt and pepper. It is ordinary but satisfying. Tim Duncan is known as "the Big Fundamental". He is not flashy or exciting, but the quality of his game can never be questioned. Like steak Duncan is a staple of american cuisine, er basketball. Duncan's salt and pepper are Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker. These players compliment Duncan just as these simple seasonings make a steak even more delicious, and as we have seen this season, without his salt and pepper Duncan is still a stud but just not as good as he could be. P.S. Tim Duncan has a two head instead of a forehead. This has nothing to do with food, but it is an interesting FYI.

Ice Cream Crepes-Dirk Nowitzki

I had this really good dessert the other day and it made me think of Nowitzki. The thin crepes were filled with vanilla ice cream, surrounded by fresh berries, and drizzled with a butter chocolate sauce. The combination of these flavors was a bit foreign yet extremely delicious. After a few bites however, I realized that my plate must have just come out of the dishwasher and was still a little warm. This desert could not stand up to even this limited heat source and the ice cream had melted before I could get through the entire dish. Dirk Nowitzki is also a little foreign yet his game is extremely delicious. A seven footer with that type of range should not be allowed to exist. Nowitzki is surrounded by some fresh berries in Josh Howard and Jason Kidd and a few sour ones in Erick Dampier and Gerald Green. Jerry Stackhouse and Jason Terry add the chocolate sauce (and not like you are thinking, when I say chocolate sauce in this case I mean sauce made from chocolate not whatever sick and twisted thing you disgusting bastards are thinking. Get your minds out of the gutter). And lastly, just like my ice cream treat, Dirk Nowitzki melts under the mildest application of heat like the playoffs or some other pressure packed situation like free throws when the game is on the line.

Honorable Mentions:

Spaghetti and Meatballs-Shaq (because meatballs sound fat)

Devils Spit Hot Wings-KG (because of their shared intensity)

Anything cooked on the Hibachi-Gilbert Arenas (because dude thinks he's cookin' suckers)

Moo goo gai pan-Yao Ming (obvious reasons)

Anything that is cooked with a huge flash of fire and then leaves a really bad taste in your mouth-Vince Carter (he has now quit on TWO teams)

Feel free to add your NBA favorites, bake until golden brown around the edges, let cool, and enjoy!

It's Time For College Basketball

2008-11-12T23:27:00.000-08:00

I love college basketball and the season is about to start, which means it's prediction time. As a side note, I would like to mention that before the season started last year, I predicted Kansas to win the National Championship. I'm not saying I'll be right again, but I'm hoping I look good when it's all over. So, without further ado, here are my 2008-2009 college hoops predictions.

Most likely to hang 50 in a game: Stephen Curry, Davidson.
Don't be fooled by the fact that he looks like he's just about to hit puberty. Curry scored 26 ppg last season and hung 40 on Gonzaga in the first round of the tourney last year, including 30 in the second half. He then proceeded to drop 25 in the second half against Georgetown in the second round. Curry is the real deal and could very possibly hang 50 on someone this year. He scored less than 15 points in a game twice last year in 36 games.

Most likely to be the #1 pick in the 2009 NBA Draft: Blake Griffin, Oklahoma.
Griffin is a bit raw but his athleticism is off the charts. He's 6-10, 250, and has a "great body." He went for 15 ppg and 9 rpg last year while being plagued by two separate knee injuries. He finished strong last year by averaging 21 ppg and 15 rpg over his last 8 games as his health improved. If Griffin stays consistently healthy this year he'll play his way into being the top pick in the next NBA Draft, where Stephen A. Smith is sure to say something asinine.

Most Famous Player: Percy Miller, USC.
You might know Percy as the son of Master P, the founder of No Limit Records. Make 'em say Uhhhhh! Or you might know him as Lil Romeo. You don't know nuthin' about Lil Romeo, son. Side note - why do rappers think that having Lil in your nickname is cool? Have you ever considered how stupid some of these rap names are? Lil Wayne, Lil Scrappy, Fabolous, Young Jeezy, Lil Flip, Birdman, Slim Thug. I don't get it. Anyway, Miller must be the only college basketball player in America that drives a $300,000 Maybach. Word is that USC offered Lil Homeo a scholarship so that they could sign DeMar DeRozan. DeRozan is an insane athlete and could knock Griffin out as the #1 pick in the draft. Miller's 13 ppg in high school was apparently enough to get him a Pac-10 scholarship... Forgive me for being skeptical.

National Player of the Year: Stephen Curry.
Everyone is automatically penciling Tyler Hansbrough in as POY, but Curry has so much juice from his performance last year that I think he'll get the award.

Most Amazing Uniforms: Marquette

Watch Out For These Teams: Virginia Tech, USC, Saint Mary's, Alabama, UNLV.

These Teams Are Overhyped: Pittsburgh, Tennessee, Georgetown.

Elite Eight: Notre Dame, Duke, UCLA, Gonzaga
Notre Dame returns almost everyone, including the best post player in the country not named Hansbrough. Luke Harangody averaged 20 and 11 last year, but the Irish lack depth.
Duke has a great backcourt and tremendous wings, but no consistent inside presence. The backcourt is good enough to get them this far.
UCLA brought in an incredible recruiting class to go along with the best point guard in the country, Darren Collison. The Bruins will again play great D and own the Pac-10, but the consecutive Final Four streak ends at 3.
Gonzaga is stacked, and Austin Daye could take the country by storm. If Daye breaks out and Josh Heytvelt decides to stay off of shrooms, the Zags could make a Final Four trip.

Final Four: Louisville, Michigan State
Louisville is stacked and Pitino teams generally get better as the season goes on. The Cardinals have a legitimate shot at winning the championship this season. Earl Clark is a future lottery pick.
Michigan State is fast and athletic, and Kalin Lucas underappreciated. He'll ease the blow from losing Drew Neitzel. Lucas is a blur with the ball, and the Spartans have a bunch of young players who will bust out. Keep an eye out for Durrell Summers.

National Runner-up: North Carolina
Everyone is picking UNC to win it all, as the smart money is on the Tar Heels to bring Roy Williams another title. The Heels have last season's National Player of the Year in Tyler Hansbrough and the fastest point guard in the country in Ty Lawson. Not to mention Wayne Ellington, Danny Green, and Marcus Ginyard. Oh, and they had a top 5 recruiting class. All this coming back for a team that went 36-3.

National Champs: Connecticut
So, with UNC so stacked, I'm picking last season's 4th place team in the Big East to win the title. Why? Because I don't like to go with the obvious pick. The reasons for the UConn pick are simple: every significant player returns improved, Calhoun is a great coach, and the Huskies match up well with UNC. If any player in the country can neutralize Hansbrough it's Hasheem Thabeet. At 7'3 and 260, Thabeet can block shots, rebound, and his offensive game has continued to get better. He added a jump shot to his game last year, and his power moves are beginning to look Shaq-like. The Huskies have talent at every position, with A.J. Price, Jeff Adrien, Jerome Dyson, Craig Austrie, and Stanley Robinson. The Huskies will do what they did in 1999 - beat an invincible ACC team to win it all.

Two “Sports” That Are Not Sports

2008-11-11T23:23:00.000-08:00

Boyd wrote a post a while back about what constitutes a sport. Did you know that speed walking is considered a sport? Well, the technical term is racewalking, but it is considered a sport, or at least an athletic event. Since no one defends a goal of any kind, we’ll call it an athletic event. Racewalking is an Olympic event, and has been since 1908! The fact that this is an event at the Olympics should shatter all credibility for the games (even moreso than the Chinese gymnasts who had their Huggies protruding from their leotards). In racewalking, one must keep a foot in contact with the ground at all times and judges are on hand to monitor a racewalker’s form. They even hand out red cards for violation of rules. Similar to soccer, which also sucks.

Racewalking has been around since the late 1800s and it has sucked for just as long. How is this considered a sport? Watch how these people swing their arms like they’re part of a retard gang doing a pimp walk. While looking up information on racewalking I came across a blog written by an apparently famous racewalker. She went on some diatribe about how jogging sucks and she insults joggers by telling them that jogging is bad for your knees and that they must buy their shoes at “Joggertown.” If racewalkers are all this clever and run smack like that then you can count me in. Where do I sign up? There are many resources available to the speed walker, such as books, how-to DVDs, and classes. For those of you who are interested, click here.

This clip sums it up beautifully.

This brings me to my all-time favorite “sport” - NASCAR. NASCAR is flat-out unacceptable. What family time could be better than Cletus teaching his son how to be an athlete by sitting him in a Fisher Price car and having him learn to turn the wheel to the left? I must give credit where credit is due: NASCAR has influenced society in positive ways, including street racing, window stickers, Calvin pissing on a Ford logo, cars with no mufflers, and the Confederate Flag.

The other day I had a neighbor invite me to his house to watch a race on a Sunday afternoon. He says, “I know you’re a big sports guy, so I thought maybe you’d want to come watch Nascar with us this Sunday.” After I stopped laughing I politely declined. Amongst all my dislike for Nascar, I must admit that any “sport” that markets specifically to rednecks has a certain charm. Kentucky Fried Chicken advertised and sold NASCAR collectible buckets of chicken. This is ingenious - everyone knows that the NASCAR-loving segment of the population is enormous within the fried chicken-purchasing population. What other population would run out to buy chicken because someone stamped collectible on the side next to a picture of a guy wearing a thick bodysuit while sporting a great cropduster? Tennis fan certainly wouldn’t flock to KFC with their Polo collars popped to get collectible Pete Sampras buckets.

I don’t know how many people are going to read this post, but it’s inevitable that some noob is going to get on here and tell me that I’m ignorant and that I have no idea how hard racing is, that I've disrespected the South or rednecks, or that I'm an idiot who just wants to complain about something. I know, I know, NASCAR is a 200mph chess match and holding the wheel to the left while putting your foot down on a pedal requires loads of athletic ability. Watching all these advertisements on wheel is like watching a crappy 3-hour commercial. And people actually pay to see it. I’m not trying to convince anyone not to watch NASCAR. If you like it, fine. But don’t tell me that it’s a sport and don’t tell me the drivers are athletes. If you rednecks leave a comment, please at least try to be coherent. I'm tired - Goodnight, now.

NBA Birthday Slumber Party!!!!

2008-11-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

When we were children our parents would allow us to have a slumber party with 5 or 6 of our best friends on our Birthdays. I would invite Phil Yawn, Adam Allred, Edwin Johnson, Nicholas Correa and a couple of wild cards, maybe a Kevin Lee or a Les Mounteer. Anyhew, we we would stay up half the night playing video games, maybe go out and toilet paper somebody's yard, and have a pillow fight that may or may not end in me getting punched in the face by an angry Indian boy because someone had forgotten to take a baseball out of thier pillow case and repeatedly bashed said Indian boy over the head several times with the ball. But no matter.

This morning, I got to thinking about these parties and asked myself what NBA players I would invite to my birthday party if I were a 10 year old boy again. I couldn't invite too many crazy players, because that might end in my Dad coming out and telling us it was time we went to bed, or he might have to take Ron Artest and Ricky Davis home. No, I would want mostly fun guys, but also, 1 crazy guy to keep things interesting. Here is my list and rational behind each pick.

Paul Pierce, Celtics
I want this guy because he is my favorite player. His nickname is "The Truth," so if he breaks something accidentaly, he'll fess up and not try to cover it up. My Dad hates being lied to. Paul seems like a pretty fun guy, and said that he partied for weeks after the Championship. Also, if we were out in the neighborhood looking for a girl's house to toilet paper and some older boys tried to rough us up, Paul would be tough and stand up for us. After surviving multiple stabbings, you can't question this guy's toughness.

Tim Duncan, Spurs
Tim has to come to my birthday slumber party. He's good because he's kind of shy, will laugh at most of my jokes, and won't try to steal too much attention from me. He'll fit in with the other guys that come to the party. I could never invite Kobe or LeBron, they would try to make the party about them. This is my special day, guys. Keep the focus on me. The other reason Tim would for sure be at my birthday party is because my Mom would make me invite him. She would say "Why don't you invite that little Timmy Duncan? He's so well behaved. Yeah. I'm sending an invitation to him."

Andrei Kirilenko-Jazz
Why AK47? Because we need someone to make fun of, don't we? At every party, some kid gets picked on and ends up wanting to go home. We would mock Andrei for his poor English and bad hairdo until he wanted to go home. We would make jokes about Borscht and the fall of Communism until Andrei cried for Mommy and left.

Shaquille O'Neal-Suns
Who would be more fun at a slumber party than Shaq? After our late night tomfoolery, when we were all lying down in our sleeping bags trying to finally sleep, you know Shaq would be the one farting and sending everyone into bouts of hysteria until Dad came in and told us it was time to go to bed. Then, as soon as Dad was back down the hall, another monster fart. Silly Shaq.

Gilbert Arenas-Wizards
I told you we needed one crazy guy didn't I? Gilbert seems like an endlessly entertaining guy. He would have us all laughing at his crazy jokes and stories. He would eat all of his cake and leave the frosting for last. He would be the one to poop in a bag and leave it on the porch when we were out toilet papering. When things got rowdy, you know Gilbert would be in the center of them yelling "Hibachi!" Mom sure would be glad when Gilbert's Dad came to pick him up the next morning.

Who would be at your party?

Best Nickname, Part II

2008-11-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

T-Bone had a recent article with his top nicknames. You can find that posting here. Some of his choices I agree with, some I don't. (The Mailman is an awesome, awesome nickname, bro. Get the net.) The fact is, this topic is a wealth of amazing names, so here come a few of my own personal favorites.

Chocolate Thunder-Darryl Dawkins
This nickname is so good for so many reasons. Dawkins was a master of thunderous dunks and he was black, thus "Chocolate Thunder." Dawkins broke many a glass backboard in his days and was probably responsible for the invention of the breakaway rim. Dawkins had so many monstruous hammer dunks, that he even came up with fancy names for them, my favorite being the In-Your-Face Disgrace. Also, he claimed to be from the planet Lovetron. In other words, Darryl was insane. Lastly, this is a favorite because when I think of Chocolate Thunder, I think of crapping my pants. To me, that is what the true chocolate thunder really is.

The Iron Horse-Lou Gehrig
You gotta like any nickname with metal in it. Iron, copper, brass, gold, platinum, molybdenum, you name it. Lou Gehrig of course got the "Iron" part of his nickname because of his consecutive games played streak. I could guess where he got the "Horse" part from, but this is a PG-13 Blog. When I think of actually riding an Iron Horse, it makes my own horse-like nuggets hurt.

The Round Mound of Rebound-Charles Barkley
This is so much better than "Sir Charles." I mean, basically it was the sports media calling a dude fat, but also paying homage to his rebounding skills. Barkley wasn't even that fat when he played, yet he got dubbed the Round Mound. I'm surprised David Wells never got a good fat related nickname, by the way.

Dinner Bell Mel/The Mealman-Mel Turpin
Continuing the trend of fat man related nicknames, you probably have never heard of, or don't remember Mel Turpin, but he was a fat sandwich who played for Cleveland, Utah and Washington in the 80's. Mel was one of the biggest (pun intended) draft busts in history, not because he didn't have ability, but because he was so fat that he physically couldn't hack it in the NBA. People like this (Tractor Traylor comes to mind), who can't stop their damn eating for a few seasons really make me sad. Please, Glen Davis, stay Big Baby and don't become Bigger Baby. You already struggle to jump a phone book.

Mr. October-Reggie Jackson
You gotta love it when your nickname comes from being a clutch playoff performer. Reggie may have struck out more than anybody in the history of baseball, but he didn't strike out in the nickname department as this one is awesome.

Mr. Clutch-Jerry West
Again, like Reggie Jackson, this is an awesome name to have. First off, we have repeat of the clutchness theme, and second, we have usage of the word "Mr." It's pretty cool when people call you Mr. as part of your nickname. As for Mr. Clutch, it's good because people are basically saying "we can't describe you in any way but to say that you are great when it matters most." Mr. Clutch couldn't beat Mr. Bill Russell enough to be more than "Mr. One Time Champion," though, so suck it, Laker fan.

Mr. May-Dave Winfield
This one is great because it is exactly the opposite of Mr. October. Winfield also played for the Yanks, where he was awful in the World Series. That old bastard George Stienbrenner gave Winfield this nickname himself. It's splendid because it uses "Mr." very mockingly.

The Microwave-Vinny Johnson
I hated the Bad Boy Pistons, but you've gotta give Vinny credit for earning this nickname. Dude would come in off the bench and start lighting fools up. He could heat up instantly, just like a...microwave.

Fat Elvis-Lance Berkman
This is great because Lance is fat and looks like Elvis. Sometimes things just work out magically and this is one of those times. I'll tell you what, if someone started calling me Fat Elvis, I sure wouldn't rock Elvis sideburns like Berkman does. He deserves a lot of credit for that. Only in baseball could you have a talented player be compared to the Fat Elvis, rather than the thin Elvis. See, in real sports you can't be a fat lard and be good at them. Just saying. Let's just pray that in the latter years of his career Berkman doesn't end up dead and sweaty.

Bert "Be Home By Eleven" Blyleven
Chris Berman is neither here nor there for me, and his nicknames are usually dumb, but for some reason, this one sticks with me as particularly amusing. I can't explain it. Blyleven is such an awful last name to have, but Berman managed to put an amusing spin on it. Did you ever see the time Blyleven said all those F-bombs on live TV? Look that up, bro, it's very entertaining.

Mrs Doubtfire-Colin Montgomery
I didn't want to go to golf, and I refuse to go to Hockey, but this one is too good to pass up. It's funny on so many levels. Monty sucks in America, giving him the impression of being a softy, and he also kind of looks like Mrs. Doubtfire with his big old man-boobs and curly hair. Thanks, Monty. You're always good for a laugh.

Ghosts of Vick's Dog's
This was the name of an opponent of mine in Fantasy Football the year after the Michael Vick incident and I thought it was an instant classic. Bye

I hate you BCS, or BSC, whatever.

2008-11-07T10:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I'm not much of a college football fan. I'll admit that I'm a homer. I love the University of Utah because that is where I got my degree and I just can't stand my other option, BYU. So when it comes to College Football, I don't have much of an opinion on much of anything. But there is one topic in NCAA Football on which I do have an opinion, one thing that I am certain is slowly destroying the game, and that is the BCS.

Today on Sportscenter the football gurus are debating whether or not the University of Utah should be allowed a BCS bowl bid. They are ranked 8th in the BCS standings and this was before they beat TCU last night (ranked 12th in the BCS). Why is this a debate? The Utes are ranked 8th for hell's sake, they are 10-0 and have beaten three pretty good teams (Michigan at the Big House, Oregon State, and TCU). If Texas or USC have one loss they are still in the top ten in the BCS and no one ever questions their ranking, so why the Utes? I'll tell you why, it's because the BCS is retarded that's why.

The BCS is run by a computer and that's the first thing wrong with the system. Does a computer have the ability to distinguish if a team with a big lead puts their second string defense in at the end of a game and allows two late insignificant touchdown? Does a computer know about field conditions and how wind, rain, snow, and fog can keep a normally explosive offense from scoring the points they most assuredly would in better conditions? Does a computer know anything about heated rivalries that have been forged over years of hate-filled competition and how in such rivalries win/loss records are insignificant? The answer to all of these questions is no.

The next thing that is wrong with the BCS is that it causes teams and

head coaches to be A-holes in order for better numbers to be added to the complicated math problem that spits out the BCS standings. Urban Myers, head coach of the Florida Gators, called two time out in the last five minutes of their game against Georgia last week. The Gators were up 49-10. Myers was trying to score more points so that a better margin of victory against a quality opponent like Georgia could be added into the computer and help raise his BCS stock. This is the kind of thing that makes coaches kick an onside kick with two minutes left in the game and leading by three touchdowns. This is the reason you see teams beating other teams by seventy points. The BCS is bad for the game. It allows no room for sportsmanship, class, or mercy. We all know that USC is better than Washington State so do we really need to watch the Trojans kick the hell out of the Cougars 69-0 to prove it?

Are the coaches poll or the AP poll a better solution to the BCS? I don't think so. There is too much room for favoritism, speculation, and coaches don't care about what other teams are doing. They are too busy trying to prepare their team for their next opponent to take the time to look over all of college football and make educated votes. I think the AP just waits for the coaches poll to come out and then they reverse the order of a couple of teams and then post their poll. It's all too non-scientific for my taste. Is a playoff system the answer to this BCS mess? I'm not sure that it is. How many teams do you let in? Eight? 16? 32? The playoff system would create just as much controversy as the BCS has over the last few years, if not more.

Here is my solution. The NCAA needs a dude like Mel Kiper Jr. of NFL Draft fame. They need a dude with a computer for a brain and nothing else to do but look at the landscape of college football and decide who should be where in the standings. They need a dude who doesn't care if a team is from the Mountain West of the SEC. They need a dude who can crunch the numbers, look at the matchups, and calculate all of the intangibles to come up with some rankings that actually make some sense. At first look this may seem impossible. How can any one man be asked to do such a thing? But if any of you have watched Kiper Jr. run the NFL Draft show you know that the dude is a complete genius. He has info on who each team should draft and knows about guys best fit for the ninth round that you have never even heard of before. Kiper Jr. is a walking talking computer with a kick ass Eddie Munster hairdo. If Kiper Jr. doesn't want to do the job I'm sure the NCAA can find some guy who has won his office fantasy league for the last ten years and knows stuff about players you or I didn't even know existed.

Okay, so when it comes down to it, I don't have a real solution to the BCS mess, but I do know that something must be done before College Football becomes so mired in controversy that nobody can stomach watching the games.

Go Utes!

Hard Work Never Killed Anybody, But Why Take The Chance?

2008-11-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

I'll be honest with you - I have some stuff going on right now that prevents me from getting into this post too much today, so it will be relatively brief.

In a confirmation of my diagnostic criteria for My Cup Runneth O'er, my boy Dyer called me the other night and explained that the Jazz still have a shot at 82-0. Next up for Dyer will be him calling me three minutes into a game with the Jazz up 4-0 and telling me that the Jazz could go for a shutout. I wouldn't put it past him.

I want to congratulate the Chicago Bears for not screwing up the Lions' perfect season. Detroit has now signed Daunte Culpepper in efforts to blow the opportunity for a completely blemished season. Good thing Daunte sucks now. I'm still hopeful...

Maybe the Clippers can go 0-82. After all, they are the Clippers.

Have you been watching the rookies in the NBA this year? The stats are impressive, with seven averaging double figures in ppg already. It may not last, but it's good to see. The top two picks are each averaging over 17ppg.

Is anyone excited about college basketball starting? I'm usually a college hoops junkie but it just doesn't seem all that appealing this year. Maybe it's because North Carolina looks like they could beat a few NBA teams. When you already know who's going to win it all, it's not as fun.

Speaking of winning it all, I know it's early, but seeing the way the Lakers are playing so far makes me wonder if I should have picked them to win the Championship. They look awesome, even with Andrew Bynum looking pretty mediocre so far. Of course, he did have 17 boards last night, so what happens when he puts it together?

Does anyone want to see Alabama or Penn State in the BCS Title game? Personally, I'd rather see Florida-Texas, or USC-Oklahoma. I'd almost rather see Ball State-Utah at this point. Alabama is a boring team to watch and I don't want to watch the title game and hear the announcers talking about Paterno and his impending death the entire time.

I am currently in a state of fasting and prayer in hopes that Manny Ramirez will re-sign with the Dodgers. I need as much of Man-Ram in my life as possible.

How about Urban Meyer calling two timeouts in the final minute of the game last week with Florida up 49-10? And people wonder who taught Kyle Whittingham the hilarious "onside kick when up by 43" trick he used last year when Utah was crushing Wyoming.

Brett Farve leads the NFL in interceptions this season with 12 and has been booed repeatedly by Jets fans in the past few weeks. Please, Brett, go away.

A couple was arrested during the Bills-Jets game this past Sunday because they were caught mid-coitus in the women's bathroom. Chris Berman, a longtime Bills fan, did the play by play. He could ... go ... all ... the ... way! These people couldn't even wait until after the game? I understand that sometimes you need some love and affection, but considering how dirty the can at a football stadium must be, the sex drive must have been off the charts for them to go at it in a bathroom stall. They were probably just excited to be in the presence of Greatness (i.e., Brett Farve).

Six Long Weeks

2008-11-05T13:09:00.000-08:00

Six weeks may not seem to be a long time.

As you may or may not recall, six weeks ago today I reported in a brief post that I was feeling ill and felt there was a possibility my appendix was the culprit. Here are the details from the situation.

The night before, I had gone to sleep feeling quite lousy. I had an abnormal bit of indigestion and heart burn. I went to the bathroom and dry heaved a few times, and thought that maybe it was something I ate. I lied down and had a fairly sleepless night. I kept awakening with a pain in my side, but at the time, just felt it was something I had eaten. (I believe I had Italian that night, which commonly causes these types of gastrointestinal issues for me.)

I awoke Wednesday morning and felt equally as ill as the night before. I got up, prepared myself for the day, and went to work. I sat down at my computer to come up with something for the blog, but couldn't. I just didn't feel well. The pain was centralizing in the lower right hand side of my gut, and I began to suspect appendicitis, as I wrote in my post that morning.

I wrote my post rather hastily and left my office as my work required me to go to the doctors office of an abused child to supervise the check-up of said child. On the way to the appointment, I called my wife on my cell phone and told her I was not well, and that I was nervous it was appendicitis. She laughed at me and said I was just "being dramatic." She also told me to ride it out, and if it lasted until tomorrow, then I should go see the doctor. I agreed that this was probably a wise course of action. When I arrived at my client's Doctor's office, I reported that I felt I would need to go to my personal doctor's office and be checked out. My clients told me I did not look well.

I got in my car and started driving back to my office, when the pain started doubling. At this point, the indigestion and sick feeling were gone, but the pain was now directly in the area where my appendix would be. I figured it was my gall bladder or my appendix and I called my Doctor up and made an appointment for later that day.

I went home where I met my wife, and told her I had the appointment. She laughed and asked if I wanted her to come. (she had plans with her sister.) I told her no, that I would call her if it was indeed something serious. I waited until the time of my appointment and left.

At the Doctor's office, my Doc had me jump up and down, which hurt. I described my symptoms to him. He then started poking and pushing me, most of which was quite uncomfortable. He told me that he thought I had appendicitis and that he wanted me to go to the emergency room and be CT scanned right then.

I left the office and went to Alta View Hospital, which is but a short drive from my Doctor's office. I arrived, checked in, and was immediately taken back to a patient area. After 20 or 30 minutes, a nurse came and took me in to be CT scanned. The CT took about 25 minutes and was mostly fine, except for the part when they inject an intravenous contrast that makes you feel like your whole body might melt for a minute or two. The nurse then wheeled me back to the waiting room.

It only took about 2 minutes for a doctor to come see me and tell me that my appendix was infected and needed to be taken out. I would be taken to the OR room in about 1/2 hour. I called my wife, who had inexplicably gone to Ogden (50 minutes or so from where I was.) She still, for some reason, found this all funny and said she was on her way. I told her that if I got taken back before she got there, and if by chance I died in the operation, that I loved her. (I have done this every time I have gone in for surgery. There is just something so sadistically funny about saying "If I die, I loved you" as they are wheeling you in for an operation.)I then called my parents, Ross and Eleanor, and they said they were on their way.

The waiting time was more like an hour, and my wife did make it to the hospital with my baby about 15 minutes before they took me back. (I also told my 9 week old baby that if I died, I loved her:) Then the Surgeon came in and explained what he was going to do, and all of the ways I could die from it. I joke, but he really made me nervous with all of his prattling about how he could hit my artery and kill me. This is a typical surgeon thing to do, as it seems surgeons are born without common sense or courtesy, though this guy was pretty nice and gave me his time, which I appreciated, even if it was time he used to scare the balls off me.

After another 30 minute wait, I was wheeled back and spoke with the anesthesiologist, who went over my medical history with me. Then the doctor came over, they wheeled me in to the operating room, and had me scoot my naked butt over onto the operating table. The anesthesiologist then told me I would be getting sleepy and the next thing I knew, I woke up in another room.

I have had 3 previous hernia surgeries, a tonsillectomy, and wisdom teeth removal in the past under general anesthesia, and I always remember waking up in the recovery room. Not this time. I apparently blanked that whole thing (over an hour) out and remember coming to with my wife, baby, and parents in the room. I felt pretty lousy and that was when they broke the news to me that not only had they removed my appendix, but when the surgeon opened me up, he saw that my twice repaired belly button hernia was coming undone again. He had to re-secure the mesh with some heavy duty screws he fastened into my gut. I was in considerable pain and was also very, very groggy.

I had to stay overnight in the hospital unfortunately, but I slept pretty well because of all the drugs I was on. In the morning, I spoke to the Doctor, who gave me no assurances that my hernia would not open again, in fact quite the contrary. (He was a pleasant dude, but Lord, was he the harbinger of bad news.) He let me know if it opened again, he would put in a whole belly patch that would do the job. He also let me know how much worse that would hurt than what I had just went through. As I was in fairly bad pain, that news did not lighten my mood. Then he told me the bad news: If it had just been my appendix, I would have to take it easy for 2 weeks, but because of the hernia, I had to go six. Six long weeks. No lifting. No exercising. No sports. No sex.

Well, my friends, six weeks have come and gone and today I start my life again. This morning, I shoveled my driveway. When I get home from work, my wife better be in some skimpy lengerie, and tonight, I return to the basketball court 20 pounds heavier, even slower than before, but happy to be out there. I hope I don't twist an ankle. Six more weeks would be a killer.

My Votes

2008-11-03T22:48:00.000-08:00

Boyd gave us our ballot options yesterday - and fine options they were - and I decided to make my responses public, along with a bit about why I voted the way I did. Click here to cast your votes. In an important update, Angela Lansbury is indeed still alive. I have verified this through a quick 5 second search using the Internet. Patrice - you can rest easy, baby. It's all love here at the Strap.

1. Best NBA Player - Kobe Bryant
This could be an entire column, but I'll save that for another time. Kobe Bryant is the best basketball player in the world. LeBron James is a great player (and more of a team player) and is probably the best athlete in the league, but Kobe is the most skilled player in the league right now. Kobe is the most dynamic offensive threat since Jordan and is a better man defender than King James. The math is simple: better on offense + better on defense = better overall. Basketball is played at both ends of the floor, so Kobe comes out ahead here. On top of that you have Kobe's pride, mentality, and competitive nature - Kobe doesn't want to be known as the best player in the NBA, he wants to be known as the best player ever. And he plays like it. I just can't pick James over Bryant at this point. That said, LeBron is better at his age than Kobe was at the same age, and LeBron seems to have potential to get even better, whereas I would say that Kobe probably doesn't have the ceiling that LeBron does. My vote goes to KB24 right now, but LeBron will eventually surpass him.

2. Best Point Guard - Chris Paul
Paul gets the nod for two main reasons: his hands and decision making. Paul is the best decision maker in basketball. His ball control is amazing and he turns the ball over much less than most point guards. Paul seems to get every loose ball - he led the league in assists and steals per game last season. He also finished second in scoring and fourth in rebounding among all point guards. Jazz fans, prepare your rebuttal.

3. Most Hated NBA Player - Ron Artest
I like Artest much more than Ginobili, but I voted for the Tru Warrior because I think more people dislike him. He is too insane to not be hated by millions of NBA fans around the United States, particularly due to his role in the brawl at the Palace (even though Ben Wallace doesn't get enough credit for instigating that melee).

4. Most Likely to Be In a Boy Band - Wally Szczerbiak
How can you choose anyone other than Wally or Kevin Love? Kevin Love looks like the Color Me Badd guy and has the last name for it, but the guy is too tubby to be convincing. Look at how the only Nsync guy anyone knows is Timberlake - because the other guys were fat or ugly. Now, Wally on the other hand has the look - washboard abs, tousled hair, and a strong jawline. I said it. Wally could fit right in with a boy band.

5. Best 80s Wrestler - Ric Flair
This was a tough one, but due mostly to his amazing promo skills The Nature Boy is the choice. Flair was insane, great on the mic, good in the ring, executed the Flair flop, and wore pageant-quality sequined gowns. Wooooooooo!!

6. Sport You Care Least About - Soccer
Soccer is the most boring sport on the freaking planet. I have a bunch of friends who will get up at 3 in the morning to watch World Cup soccer. I just don't get it. It's like people with their purse dogs - I just don't get it. Can someone please explain to me why I should care about soccer?

7. Best Condiment - Ketchup
Ketchup gets the nod here for versatility. Ketchup enhances the hot dog, corn dog, hamburger, meatloaf, onion rings, french fries, eggs, etc. No other condiment can compete with that kind of multifaceted excellence. BBQ sauce is wonderful (and I actually prefer it on most things) but doesn't have as many applications.

8. Best Sports Babe - Elisha Cuthbert
You can't go wrong here, but I like blondes, so Cuthbert gets my vote.

9. Most Likely to be the First Picked on Hell's Football Team - Orenthal James Simpson
The Juice has truly earned my vote (who voted for Ray Lewis?). I could list all of OJ's illegal accomplishments, but suffice it to say that his criminal history is long and impressive. The guy wrote a book called If I Did It about the murders of Nicole and Ronald. That takes some serious balls and probably punched his ticket to hell on the spot. Then OJ was arrested for robbery in Las Vegas and when questioned by the media he reportedly said, "I thought what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas." Nobody can touch the Juice.

Sports Votes

2008-11-03T08:25:00.000-08:00

Americans will soon get together in droves to vote for the next group of politicians that will probably fail us. It's an exciting time of the year. Who will it be? Barack Obama or John McCain? Republican or Democrat? Who knows? At this time, I'd like to extend the chance for you, the faithful readers of this blog, to offer up your Sports Votes. Topics were chosen by me in a non-democratic matter. Remember, it's your right and priveledge to vote here, so don't take it for granted.

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Makings Of A Sports Fan

2008-10-31T11:07:00.000-07:00

My post today will serve as an introduction, as I am new to the Jockstrap family. I thought it would be both insightful and helpful to the readers of this blog if each of you knew a little more about me and what makes me tick as a sports fan. I am a long time Celtics, Mets, and Bears fan. I have often had to defend my status as a fan of these franchises over the years and I will do so now in hopes that I will never have to be accused of being a bandwagon jumper (in the case of the Celtics winning a championship last year, and the Bears going to the Super Bowl two years ago) or a retard (in the case of the Mets, Bears, and Celtics sucking it up for the better part of two decades).

I proceed with a brief life history in hopes of defending my teams:

It was September 1985. I was nine years old and in the autumn of my youth. Before this time I had never had any real interest in sports, but as my interest grew I was forced into picking a team, as it is not customary in our Country to watch sports without first choosing sides. At this time of year the NFL was starting up and as I surveyed the teams available to me it was evident that one stood out from the rest. The 1985 Chicago Bears were known for their swarming often stifling defense. I had never seen anything like the Bear’s defense before and am comfortable saying that I have never seen anything like it since. Watch the Bears perform “The Super Bowl Shuffle” and tell me that in the infancy of rap music that wasn’t the sweetest thing you had ever seen, I defy you. I watched the Bears dismantle opponents throughout the season and then shut out the competition in the playoffs until reaching Super Bowl XX on January 26, 1986 where they destroyed the Patriots 46-10. Mike Singletary, Richard Dent, William “the Refrigerator” Perry, Jim McMahon, Willie Gault, and Walter Payton; there was so much to love about this team and I have to admit, I was hooked from the word go.

When football was over I discovered that the NBA was already in full swing. Basketball is the love of my life. It’s true I’ve had affairs with other sports (damn you volleyball), but basketball has always held my love and forgiven my cheating heart. Right away I was forced to look at the Utah Jazz as a possible team worthy of my undying loyalty, as I live in Utah and it always makes it easier if you root for the home team. Bobby Hansen, Carey Scurry, Pace Mannion, and Marc Iavaroni should speak volumes as to why I did not choose the Jazz as my team. If you need more evidence as to why I did not choose to root for the Jazz, check out Karl Malone’s draft day suit. ‘Nuff said. There was a team however that peaked my interests right away. The 1985/86 Boston Celtics had it all. My mom is from Ireland so being half Irish I was instantly drawn to the shamrocks, Lucky the Leprechaun, and the beautiful green and white uniforms. Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish, Dennis Johnson, and a 67-15 regular season record all made the Celtics an easy choice for me. Bird was magnificent winning his third straight MVP award in ’86 and when the C’s won the Championship in June I was instantly made a fan for life.

Baseball started in April of 1986. The New York Mets were brash, over confident, and extremely talented. They talked the talk, but then they definitely walked the walk. Doc Gooden was awesome (damn you cocaine), Darryl Strawberry was unstoppable (damn you cocaine), Keith Hernandez was Keith Hernandez (damn you molestache), and Lenny Dykstra was “Nails”. 108-54 was a totally dominate regular season record, they played well in the playoffs, got a little lucky (thank you Bill Buckner), and won the Championship in October 1986 making them my favorite baseball team and giving me the 1986 Championship Holy Trinity of the Bears, the Celtics, and the Mets. You see, I had no choice in the matter. Because 1986 was the year of my sports enlightenment, and because I had no way of knowing what the next twenty plus years would bring, my hand was forced. Boyd is my little brother so he had no choice either because we all know that it is the order of the universe that a little brother must do whatever his older brother says or suffer the consequences.

So there you have it. Twenty-two years ago I made my choices and I have never looked back. I have suffered greatly because of my teams (why did you have to die Reggie Lewis—damn you again cocaine! DAMN YOU!!), and I have had a few great moments (thank you KG and Ray Allen, thank you), but through it all I have never jumped off of a sinking ship and the only championship bandwagon on to which I have ever jumped were the wagons belonging to the three sweet champions of 1986 and then, I was only a foolish kid with stars in my eyes and my whole life ahead of me. Can anyone blame me for that?

The Greatest Hair in Sports

2008-10-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

It's an addiction - I can't stop harping on hair. It's probably because I don't have any at this point in my life. First it was facial hair. Today I set out to do a Best Athlete Mullets column, but in the process of developing the post I found that I would be limiting a deep talent pool if I limited the list to mullets. The post evolved into something along the lines of Greatest Hair in Sports. I don't really know what else to call it. For this project, greatest will be assessed according to a few variables: innovation, style, longevity, flexibility, ridiculousness, and generally adding to the aura or greatness of the athlete’s legacy. I have decided not to sort this list into any specific order, but would appreciate any feedback on who deserves the top spot (including any I may have missed). I have tried to represent each major sport here.

Tiger Woods
It looks like Tiger is attempting some type of leopard or jaguar pattern with this spotted mane. I'm surprised he didn't dye a Nike swoosh into the side of his head.

Deion Sanders
Deion’s early hair style is in the vein of the 40-year-old virgin, A.C. Green, but Deion gets the pub here because of his swagger. Combine this amazing jheri curl with bling, a rap video, and great dancing, and Prime Time is in a class of his own. Deion even attempted to turn the jheri curl into a mullet, with mixed results.

Andre Agassi
Thick and lustrous, Andre Agassi had hair that most women would kill for. He quickly became a star in the tennis world, in no small part due to his beautiful locks. In an unfortunate twist of fate, Andre began to lose his hair and he now sports the shaved look. It seems that Agassi was a reverse-Sampson – after shaving his head he won 6 of his 8 Grand Slams. However, this should not put a damper on the legacy of his earlier hairstyle.

Jaromir Jagr
This mullet is flat out spectacular. From the way he puffed it up in the front like women used to do in the mid-80s (and the way southern women still do) to the slicked back sides, Jagr’s hair curtain is tremendous. Words cannot do it justice, so I’ll let this picture do the talking.

Oscar Gamble
How Oscar managed to somehow smash this fro into a baseball cap is beyond me. It is unfortunate that baseball players are required to wear hats because this hair deserved to be celebrated and unleashed. Gamble’s fro was innovative and stylish while maintaining longevity as a style to be reckoned with for years to come.

Scott Pollard
Pollard has had so many hairstyles that a list could be composed of the best hairdos of Scott Pollard. This particular one will suffice for this post, but please recognize the creativity of this man. He has gone blonde, bald, Mohawk, and long, all while being just as creative with his facial hair. Pollard truly is a forerunner.

Dennis Rodman
The Worm gets some love here for being a harbinger. I remember playing NBA Live 96 and wondering what color of hair Rodman would have each game. Rodman’s hair transcends basketball in that it, combined with his ridiculous antics, made him a household name.

Larry Bird
I can’t go without mentioning Larry on this list. Larry’s hair was similar to his game in certain respects: fundamental, not too flashy, unattractive, yet surprisingly impressive. Bird’s hair only adds to his greatness – he looks like the last guy you’d choose in a pickup game (if he weren’t 6-9, but you get the gist) but he’d light you up all game long and tell you about it the entire time.

Mel Kiper
Kiper’s perfectly sculpted hair is a thing of beauty, rivaled only by Steve Lavin and Pat Riley. Kiper makes the list over those two because of the 90210-esque height obtained on the front wave. Mel’s hair allows him to be relevant more than one day a year.

Alexi Lalas
I am not a soccer fan. In fact, I hate the sport. That said, soccer brings a tremendous wealth of ridiculous hairdos to choose from for this list. I eventually went with Lalas because of the combination great hair-great goatee. The fact that both are the same exact shade of red is also impressive.

Dr. J
Julius Erving rocked an amazing afro. Long, supple, buoyant, and versatile, the Dr. J fro paved the way for players such as Ben Wallace and Josh Childress, who sport afros that are nowhere near the quality of Erving’s.

Randy Johnson
I have to use the obvious joke here and mention The Big Unit's shlong (short in front - long in the back). Randy presents with a stellar mullet that is a bit longer on the sides than the traditional mullet. This provides added versatility – the sides are more easily slicked back for black tie affairs, such as the ESPY’s. The fact that his tress also happens to be quite curly adds to the look.

Pedro Martinez
Pedro combined the Holy Trinity of hairstyles in his early career, bringing a Dominican flair to the afro/mullet/jheri curl combination. You can’t tell me that standing in the box with Pedro on the mound sporting that triad wouldn’t intimidate the crap out of you. How else could such a small guy stand on the hill and be considered a power pitcher? What a weapon.

Rick Fox
Quite possibly the most impressive follicular specimen on this list, Rick Fox is flat out beautiful. Or so I have been told. I know his ex-wife is beautiful. Anyone who appears to use more hair products than his beauty queen wife must be included. Plus he’s gorgeous.

Brian Bosworth
The coiffure of the Boz was astounding. Bosworth is like Scott Pollard in the sense that each was able to consistently show up with any hairstyle and have it be impressive. Plus, the Boz was one of many Seattle Seahawks draft picks to never pan out. As a Seattle fan, he holds a special place in my heart.

Adam Morrison/Steve Nash
Why neither of these two does a shampoo commercial is beyond me. This flowing hairstyle hearkens back to the days of Peter, James, and John. Speaking of Biblical times, I am reminded of Songs of Solomon 4:1 – “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.” I don’t know what that means, but I respect it.

Boyd
PlayBoyd is an excellent athlete, no doubt. Try and get through a pick-and-roll with Boyd or defend his unlimited range on the perimeter and tell me he isn’t an athletic exemplar. It can’t be done. Add to that a frohawk-substantial beard combination that makes him look like a serial killer and screams intimidation, and Boyd is nigh unstoppable.

NBA Teams and Sessy, Sessy Ladies (And Maybe One Or Two Not So Sessy)

2008-10-29T12:24:00.000-07:00

We here at the Jockstrap are not in the job of trying to titillate or arouse. That just ain't our thang. But today, I was thinking to myself "Self, if the Celtics were a woman, who would they be?" Why was I thinking that to myself? Lord only knows. So, here is my list comparing NBA teams and sessy, sessy ladies. Note: If your team isn't included here, it is probably because it isn't good enough to be compared, or bad enough to be made fun of. (see Pacers, Indiana). Again, the purpose here is comparison, not necessarily to act like all of the horny dudes in the blogging world.

Los Angeles Lakers: Jessica Alba

The Lakers are the hottest of the hot right now, just like Alba. They have star power, and everyone wants a piece of them. They really don't have any visible flaws. They have a great starting lineup, probably the deepest bench in the league, a great coach, and Kobe Bryant. But, like Alba, they really haven't done anything of substance yet. Sure, they got to the Finals last year, and Alba has had a hit TV show. (see Angel, Dark) Is that really anything to brag about? Both are wildly popular, but until the Lakers make that next step, they will be like Alba, all hotness, but still waiting for that big role.

Boston Celtics: Halle Berry

The Celtics and Berry are the best around right now. The C's won the trophy last year, and Berry won Esquire's most beautiful person in the world award. Both are starting to age, but like a fine wine, seem to get better the older they get. The Celtics have style and substance, flash and grit. Berry has beauty and brains, and has won an Oscar for her acting ability. The Celtics were bad for a number of years, Berry was married to a total douche bag. (see Justice, David)

San Antonio Spurs: Jennifer Aniston

The Spurs, like Aniston, are starting to get older and break down, but still are firmly entrenched in the upper echelon of NBA power/hotness. Aniston has not had much big screen success, but she did have a huge TV show you may have heard of called Friends. The Spurs have never won back-to-back titles, but they have 4 in the last 9 seasons. The Spurs are going to go through a rough patch to start the season without Manu Ginobili, just as Aniston is constantly going through rough patches in her personal life (see Mayer, John), but both will bounce back and be top notch by the end of the year.

New Orleans Hornets: Natalie Portman

The Hornets have arrived and are certainly near the top of the league, just like Portman is no longer an up-and-comer, but has arrived as an actress and sessie lady. Both still have plenty of room to grow. The Hornets can contend for the title for years to come, and Portman could, with the right role, land an Oscar. Both have had moments of stinking it up. The Hornets gave the Spurs the conference semis last year, and Portman was in the 3 horrible movies (see Prequel, Star Wars). If you thought those movies were good, you are a retard. (Someone had to say it, those movies sucked nards)

Utah Jazz: Debra Messing

Here me out on this one. The Jazz are a great team, with a ton of talent and depth. They have great coaching and improving youth. But something is missing and I don't think they can overcome their shortcomings without help. Same for Messing. She is a very talented actress, beautiful and charming. However, there is something holding her back and I predict she will never land the big role. Just like a trade could help the Jazz, there is outside help that Messing could seek that could put her into the hotness stratosphere. (see Jobs, Nose and Boob)

Detroit Pistons: Rosie O'Donnell

The Pistons aren't any fun to watch, but you can't deny they get the job done and have been completely successful. You keep thinking (and probably hoping) that they will go away and die, but they don't. Same with Rosie. She ain't pretty and she ain't hot, but she sure is successful. You thought she was gone after her talk show ended, but nope, then she was on The View giving housewives ideas on how to revolt against their husbands and duking it out with Donald Trump. She's gone for now, but will be back, you can count on it. I'm guessing that only people from Detroit like the Pistons, but I could be wrong. I could be wrong about the only segment of people that I think like Rosie as well. (see Lesbians, Total)

Houston Rockets: Britney Spears

Don't call it a comeback. I saw Britney Spears recently, and I have to say wow. She's actually starting to look good again. She's fatally flawed, of course, but if she can recapture her looks maybe she can be relevant again. The Rockets are similar. They have lost in the first round for like 10 straight years, but now, with a little help from Ron Artest, they should make that streak end. But just like you know something will eventually derail Britney Spears (see Daniels, Jack) you know something will eventually derail the Rockets. (see Artest, Ron)

Phoenix Suns: Lindsay Lohan

Phoenix remains an intriguing team, but realistically, they aren't going to contend for the title. They made too many bad transactions, the worst being letting Joe Johnson sign with the Hawks. Add in the Shaq trade, trading away Rajon Rondo, that Spaniard for the Trailblazers whose name slips me at the moment, and re-signing Boris Diaw, and Suns fans should be filled with regret. You get the same feeling when you think of Lohan. Is she still hot? Yes. Does she still have acting talent? Maybe. However, bad decisions (see panties, not wearing), drugs, and a bad family have probably cost her a shot as a legitimate actress. The moment was there for each of these, but has now passed.

Cleveland Cavaliers: Jennifer Lopez

The Cavs and J-Lo are still hot, but they both really only have one thing going for them. But that one thing is amazing. The Cavs have LeBron James, the best player in the league, and Jennifer Lopez has her amazing pillow, er butt. Sure, J-Lo has an otherwise nice face and overall beauty, and LeBron has a few good pieces around him in Mo Williams and Zydrunas Ilgauskus, but they also have negative things that cannot be overlooked. (see Anthony, Mark and Brown, Mike)

Dallas Mavericks: Heather Locklear

Oh, the past. Dallas was just one game away from being the Champs a few short years ago, but now it looks as if that won't happen any time soon. And poor Heather Locklear. Even 2 years ago she still looked amazing. But have you seen her lately? Looks like someone used her all up and threw her out to die. (see Sambora, Richie). Both should still be respected for past performance, but rather than fade gracefully, it appears that both are destined to crash and burn.

Denver Nuggets: Fergie

Both of these have the ability to excite. Both have some undeniable talent. But just as Denver really only has 2 things going for it in AI and Carmello Anthony, Fergie only has 2 good things going for her. I'll leave what those things are up to your powers of deduction. Let's just say Fergie is the ultimate butterface. She's got the body, but if you ever get a look at her face, you'll see that the years and some past decisions have not been kind to her. (see amphetamine, meth)

Los Angeles Clippers: Anna Nicole Smith

The Clips seem to have a lot of the requisite parts for success. They have the talented point guard, Baron Davis, some good young wings, Al Thornton and Eric Gordon, good bigs Chris Kaman and Marcus Camby. It won't work, though. They are the Clippers after all. They are, like Anna Nichole Smith a hot, hot mess. Smith had the beauty and the body, the successful modelling career,etc, but she was just too damned stupid for her own good. Did you ever see her show? Wow. Talk about train wreck.Looks like the Clippers are headed back where they belong (see Lottery, NBA Draft).

New York Knicks: Angela Lansbury

Yes, I'm comparing the Knicks to an old fart grandma who starred in Murder, She Wrote. I'm not even sure Angela Landsbury is still alive frankly, and I'm pretty sure the Knicks aren't far from death either. The Knicks, like Lansbury, have never been sexy, not even during the Ewing years when they played an effective, but unwatchable brand of basketball. If I were a Knicks fan, I don't know what I'd do. (see Empire State Building, Leap From)

I could go on and on, but hope, as usual, that you will come up with some and comment on the article. I've gotta give a shout out to my man Rich. His perverted mind was a great aid in coming up with this posting. You can read him here.

NBA Predictions

2008-10-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

With the NBA season around the corner, it’s prediction time.

Atlantic Division:
It’s pretty clear that the Celtics are the frontrunner in this division. Rondo is severely underrated and the Big Three play off of each other better than most people expected. KG is still the best big man in basketball and Paul Pierce has been underrated for a long time (I will assume that has changed after last year). The Celtics might be pushed by two division foes, Philadelphia and Toronto. How will Chris Bosh and Jermaine O’Neal fare together? If those two mesh well, with Calderon distributing the ball, Toronto can pose an interesting challenge to the Celts. The Sixers have a solid nucleus with Dalembert and Brand up front and Andre Miller and Iguodala on the perimeter. The Celtics will win the division, but Toronto and Philly might make things interesting.

Central Division:
I like Cleveland to win this division even though the Pistons have won six of the last seven division titles. The Cavs continue to show their toughness in the playoffs and it will finally translate to a more consistent regular season this year. Mo’ Williams was a good pickup for this team and losing Larry Hughes only makes them better. The Cavs are above average defensively and are a great rebounding team, both antidotes to solving the Pistons. I also think that the Cavs will trade Wally Szczerbiak and his expiring contract for some help, which will get them over the hump that is the Pistons. The other three teams in this division suck, but I’ll be interested to watch the progress of Derrick Rose. Rose is amazingly athletic and if he develops a better midrange game he can be dangerous.

Southeast Division:
This division is tough because Orlando, Washington, and Atlanta can all be good this year. It seems the trendy pick is Orlando, but I’m predicting the Hawks to put it together and pull off the division title. Joe Johnson took a step back last year, but he began to get back to form at the end of the season. With more time playing next to Bibby, Johnson will have a big season. Added to that are the constantly improving Al Horford and Josh Smith. Atlanta is the pick because I don’t see Orlando and Washington improving much, if at all. This division has many points of interest: Will D-Wade stay healthy? How good will Michael Beasley be? What will Arenas do to improve his already stellar track record of awesomeness? Will Caron Butler start to be recognized as one of the best players in the league?

Eastern Conference Finals:
Celtics over Cavaliers. The Cavs are a tremendously tough playoff out, as they proved last year. James will put up some big numbers, but so will Pierce and the Big Ticket. Boston will knock Cleveland out of the playoffs again, this time in the conference finals.

Northwest Division:
The Jazz will win this division and it won’t be all that close. The Nuggets will drop off this year, the Wolves are a few years away, and the Nothing Interesting Geographically About Us's suck. The Trail Blazers might do some good things this year, and could very well win an NBA title in the near future, but they probably won’t fully put it together this year. The Jazz are stacked and experienced. Deron Williams is in the discussion for best point guard in the league, Boozer is a brute, Okur drives a yellow Ferrari Maranello, and AK 47 does a little bit of everything, including one woman a year as approved by his wife. What holds the Jazz back is their interior defense. Okur can defend occasionally, and Boozer plays matador defense. If the Jazz improve in this area they could legitimately challenge for the NBA Championship.

Pacific Division:
The Lakers are the class of the Pacific, with the only potential challenge coming from the Suns. The Suns-Lakers rivalry just keeps getting better, especially with Shaq now added to the mix. Amare was ridiculous toward the end of last season and could lead the league in scoring this year, and Nash is still a top 3 or 4 point guard. But the Lakers are just too talented and deep. Kobe, Odom, Gasol, and Andrew Bynum is a pretty sick quartet. Add to that Fisher, Farmar, Vujabic, Walton, and Ariza, and you have an impressively deep team. The Lakers are the class of the division - and the conference.

Southwest Division:
This is the toughest division to forecast. How will the Rockets fare? Will T-Mac or Yao actually stay healthy? Will Artest fit in well? Can the Spurs bounce back? Are the Hornets just a flash in the pan? Will Kidd finally mesh with the rest of the Mavs and give them a chance to take the division? My gut tells me to pick the Spurs, but I’m going to ignore it and go with the Hornets. I just can’t pick the Spurs with Ginobili out for a while. New Orleans will again be good and Chris Paul is expanding what is expected of point guards in the NBA because he does everything. I kept waiting for this team to fall off last year but it never happened. They got needed playoff experience and will again make a nice run.

Western Conference Finals:
Lakers over Jazz. I like the Spurs to be the toughest matchup for the Lake Show, but that will happen in the second round after New Orleans wins the division. I am predicting the Lakers to be the top seed in the West and have the homecourt, which is especially valuable in this matchup. The Jazz match up well with the Lakers and have experience, but in the end Kobe returns to the Finals.

NBA Finals:
Celtics over Lakers. I go with Boston to repeat for several reasons. The last team to win the NBA championship after losing in the Finals in the previous season was the 1989 Detroit Pistons, and I don’t expect L.A. to buck the trend. Kobe is attempting to play out an entire season with an injured finger. How will Bynum fit into an offense that worked so well without him last year? The Celtics showed their mettle last season by winning two game sevens and then beating Pistons and Lakers teams that many thought would win each series, and Boston is better defensively and on the glass than are the Lakers. The Celtics will hang another banner in the rafters.

League MVP:
LeBron James. LeBron is off the charts statistically, and with the help of Mo Williams this season the Cavs will win the Central Division. James just keeps getting better and the sky is the limit - which is insane. James will beat out Kobe and Paul to win the MVP this year.

Best rookie:
Greg Oden. He won’t win the rookie of the year award (Beasley’s stats will be too impressive), but he’s a game changer on both ends of the court. Oden is a tremendous rebounder and shot blocker with an expanding offensive game. He’s going to score in double figures just off of offensive rebounds, so what happens when he develops more of a post repertoire? He’ll take his licks early, but Oden has already proved that he responds to challenges: He went for 25 and 12, with 4 blocks in the NCAA Championship game against Joakim Noah and Al Horford, both lottery picks. Oden is the real deal.

Breakout Star:
Al Thornton. Thornton put up 12.7 ppg and 4.5 rpg as a rookie last year, and with Corey Maggette moving to Golden State, Thornton’s game and numbers will improve. Of course, this is assuming that he gets some touches while playing next to a chucker like Baron Davis.

Welcome Jim

2008-10-27T07:33:00.000-07:00

We have felt the need to expand and as such the Strap would like to welcome our newest addition to our team, Jim. Jim has already posted a few times here, and has much to add to this site.

See, in life there are a few things you simply cannot deny. The sun rises in the east and sets in the west. Aaron Hielman will cost the Mets 10 wins per season. Jim is a true hero.

Jim has saved drowning infants twice. Jim once scored 60 points in a basketball game. Jim once lived in Pittsburgh and didn't ever want to kill himself. If you've seen the women of Pittsburgh, you'd know that alone is the very definition of heroism. Jim uses the most heroic of speech, lifting a common story into a yarn of epic proportions. Jim once ate a whole cow.

You don't think eating a whole cow is heroic? Have you ever had to eat a cow vertabrae or a cow bladder? Only a true hero could ingest these most unsavory of items. Cow scrotum? Hero.

Welcome, Jim. I know that you will soon be adding more than Taylor, and probably not long therafter, me :)

Hero.

(In adding a photo of John McCain I am in no way endorsing him as anyting other than and American Hero. Like Jim.)

The Best Nicknames in Sports

2008-10-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

So, PlayBoyd is a bit of a comparison slut. I’m good with that – I’d actually send some compensation his direction if I could. I, on the other hand, compromise my integrity in the form of lists. I make lists of everything and can pull out a top ten list of just about anything pretty quickly. The list might suck, but I'll attempt it anyway. Speaking of PlayBoyd, I love a good nickname. Sports has always been great for nicknames, but there are too many lackluster nicknames out there right now. We don’t even bother to be creative anymore: A-Rod, K-Rod, KG, LT, TO, T-Mac. I know Chris Berman (love him or hate him) is a big proponent of the nickname, and he attempts to be clever, but we need more forerunners in coming up with some good ones. So, it’s list time. I offer up the Ten Best Nicknames in Sports. “Best” is defined by one thing: what I feel deserves mention, and this list is not confined to current sports stars. That said, I’m sure I missed some, so please feel free to add to the list.

10. The Nigerian Nightmare
Anyone who has played Tecmo Super Bowl knows all about Chrisian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare. Boyd, in recognizing the dominance that is Okoye, wrote this: “I will actually purposefully run at the defenders to watch them bounce off Okoye like bullets off Superman.” The nickname is just top notch.

9. Vanilla Sky
Joe Alexander, recently drafted by the Milwaukee Bucks, has been dubbed Vanilla Sky because of his leaping ability (or as my boy Stuart Scott would say, his mad ups) and his vast Whiteness, both of which are very impressive. I hope Alexander makes it in this league just for this nickname.

8. The Mailman
This is actually one of the worst nicknames of all time. I just put it on this list so that I could point that out. I grew up around Jazz fans who thought that this nickname was the shiz, but it isn’t. It’s stupid. A bunch of my friends looked at Karl Malone as their hero. Malone was a great player, but he was no hero. To quote Stephen King: "Any fool with fast hands can grab a tiger by the balls, but it takes a hero to keep squeezing." Malone would never keep squeezing - he would let the boys slip out of his grasp just when it got important. I can’t believe The Mailman stuck. The Jazz have had some great nicknames in the past – The Pasty Gangster (Stockton), Horny (Hornacek), and AK-47 (Kirilenko) – but The Mailman just isn’t one of them. Plus his hand behind the head dunk was gay. I commend Jim for making fun of it when he gets the chance. Well done.

7. The Refrigerator
At one point William Perry was pushing 4 bills. What better nickname for a fat guy than the refrigerator? I’m sure someone can come up with one, but I can’t. Mike Ditka putting Perry in the backfield was just pure genius. Who could have tackled the Fridge? But after seeing Manute Bol kick Perry’s ace in a celebrity boxing match, I’m guessing he may not be as difficult to bring down as I originally thought. As a side note, why does the word fridge have a d in it but refrigerator doesn’t? Just curious…

6. He Hate Me
The only memorable thing to come out of the XFL is Rod Smark, aka, He Hate Me. Who else has made such an impact just because of a nickname? Smart never really did anything special, but almost everyone knows who he is just because of the nickname. Mark Cuban spun the nickname into He Fine Me because of the gross sums of money Cuban was required to pay the NBA due to fines.

5. The Truth
There really isn’t much to say about this nickname other than it is awesome. Paul Pierce is the truth. Anyone who has been stabbed 11 times and appeared in a 504 Boyz music video must be the truth. Plus the nickname was given to him by the Shaq Diesel. On March 13, 2001, the Lakers beat the Celtics 112-107 and Pierce dropped 42 in the game. After the game, Shaq pulled a Boston reporter aside and said: "Take this down. My name is Shaquille O'Neal, and Paul Pierce is the motherf***ing truth. Quote me on that, and don't take nothing out. I knew he could play, but I didn't know he could play like this. Paul Pierce is the truth." When the Diesel says that about someone, how can we doubt?

4. Agent Zero/Hibachi
Gilbert Arenas might be the most awesome player in the NBA. He has generally been known as Agent Zero, but Arenas has begun to yell out “hibachi” in games when he gets hot (fyi, hibachi translates to “bowl of fire” and is a reference to the Japanese grill). After hitting a game-winning three against the Bucks in 2007, Arenas was asked if he yelled out hibachi. He replied, that he didn’t, but “my swag was phenomenal.” Classic. Arenas has been quoted as saying that he would hang 84 or 85 on Duke if he could play against Shishefski’s team. Agent Zero has admitted to occasionally playing video poker at halftime of games. Arenas even told Esquire magazine that while on a team road trip, he bought a Colon Cleanser off of an infomercial while the rest of the team was out on a team outing. You can’t make this stuff up. Arenas is a well of greatness that, I can only hope, will never dry up.

3. The Human Victory Cigar
The shame of Darko Milicic may never end. Darko was given this nickname when playing for Larry Brown in Detroit. Because he was often the last man off the bench and only got playing time when the Pistons had an insurmountable lead, Darko became known as the Human Victory Cigar. Whoever came up with that is brilliant.

2. Basketball Jesus
Larry Bird was more commonly known as Larry Legend or The Hick From French Lick, but he was coined Basketball Jesus by one of his apostles, ESPN’s Bob Simmons. Growing up as a Lakers fan made it tough for me to like Bird, but learning of his storied trash-talking has vaulted him to one of my favorite players of all time. Some brief examples of why Bird is Basketball Jesus: Late in a game against the Sonics, Bird pointed at a spot on the floor and told Xavier McDaniel that he would hit the game winning shot from that spot. Larry did just that. Before a Celtics-Pacers game on Christmas Day, Basketball Jesus told Chuck Person that he had a Christmas present for him. When Chuck was on the pine running his mouth at Larry, Bird got the ball right in front of the Indiana bench. Larry shot the ball and as soon as the ball was out of his hands, he turned around and said, “Merry F***ing Christmas, Chuck.” The shot swished. Cussing aside, only a Basketball Jesus could pull off such miracles.

1. The Big Unit
This gets the number one spot on my list not just because of its phallic nature, but because it fits Randy. Who else could be called The Big Unit but a man who pushes seven feet, is supremely ugly, and rocks a bad mullet/hair curtain. The Big Unit is my favorite nickname of all time, bar none.

Comparing Nintendo Game Characters and NBA Players

2008-10-22T13:49:00.000-07:00

I'm becoming a comparison slut, I'll admit it. For some reason thinking up random crap like this captures my imagination more than writing about the flaws in the BCS or NBA pre-season action. So if you don't like and/or are getting tired of these little exercises, then don't read on. If you like them and this is your first time reading this blog check here, here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. (great looking fish!) I have a confession: I only wish I were a comparison slut. Sluts make money. Here goes.

As I've stated before, I love video games with a deep, burning passion and love that is surpassed only by my love for sheepskin rugs. I lose sleep playing them and dream about them when I am asleep. I think about them while I'm talking to people. I fantasize about them in the bathroom. I also love the NBA. The NBA, like video games is full of heroes and villians. The best and most classic video game characters came from the 8-bit Nintendo so I thought I would take some of the more well known and beloved Nintendo characters and compare them to my favorite/least favorite NBA ballers.

Mario-Allen Iverson
Mario and Allen are more alike than appears at first glance. Both are elder statesmen of their professions. AI might not like to practice much, but like Mario, come game time, he gives 100 percent effort night in and night out. Both can jump out of the gym and both love bricks. Mario likes to break them with a fist for 100 points, and Allen loves to toss them at the basket (career 42.6%FG shooting). You might think that character-wise, these two are completetly different, but really they aren't. Both love the spotlight. After all, Mario has been keeping Luigi down for years. Both are often described as "heroic" and "brave." Both have troubled pasts. Why do you think Mario was chasing after the Princess? To pay off gambling debts is my guess.

Luigi-Andrea Bargnani
Both are big, wimpy Italians. Both are lifetime members of the second fiddle club. Both look like they should be working in a Pizzeria. Luigi has an awesome 'stache, and Bargnani would look 1000 times tougher if he rocked one as well. They are owners of the two wimpiest names in the Italian language. Dudes name is Andrea. The name Luigi strikes fear into the heart of absolutely no one, least of all the Koopa Troopa and those little turtles. (especially the always tricky turtles with wings. I hate those guys!)Haha. Both basically suck.

The Princess-Vince Carter
As we learned in Super Mario Bros. 2, the Princess, like Vince, can literally float on air. You can't beat some of the boards without her, and no conversation about great dunkers would be complete without mention of Vince. Both are very skilled and impressive. But in the end, both are ladies, and as such, have lady-like qualities. Both are basically non-aggresive. The Princess wants to keep her gown clean, and Vince won't hit the floor for that loose ball, his shoes might get scuffed. The Princess is always getting her pretty little ass kidnapped and needs to be resuced. Vince tanked it in Toronto to get rescued from Canada. (not that I can blame him much on that one :)

The Two Dudes From Double Dragon-Deron Williams and Carlos Boozer
What a great game! The premise was simple: Go around and beat the turd out of evil dudes. I can't recall much of the story line, because it wasn't important. What matterted was brute force and strength. Boozer and Williams are the NBA equivalent. They are each 2 of the strongest players at their respective positions, and they love to just ram the ball down the throat of the opposition. Also, I'm guessing they would be good at real fighting. Would you want to fight those two together? Have you heard them on interviews? These two are Serious red-asses people, just like the two dudes from Double Dragon.

Bald Bull-Zach Randolph
Mike Tyson's Punch out is full of amazing characters. My favorite has to be Bald Bull. Bald Bull is big and dumb, but is about 14 times the size of Little Mac. Zach Randolph is also a big, dumb giant. Both have skills. Bald Bull will Bull Charge you to death if you aren't careful, and Randolph has decent offensive skills and surprising range, but once you solve the Bull Charge and realize that you can score twice as many points against Randolph as he can score on you, you are fine.

Bo Jackson-LeBron James
I hate to suck up to LeBron again, since he kind of bugs me, but I have to reiterate that LeBron is the best player in the NBA. Don't give me Kobe Bryant because it just ain't true. LeBron almost leads a band of poo to the Finals every year. Can you imagine subbing him for Kobe on the Lakers? They might not lose a game all season. Bo was the same way on Tecmo Super Bowl. He simply could not be stopped. He was, like LeBron, good for several amazing plays per game. Sure, each had his little flaw, Bo had a low hitting power and you could tackle him if you could catch him (a big if), and LeBron is a suspect outside shooter, but that is like finding a little mole on the ass of the hottest supermodel, you deal with it.

Tetris-Tim Duncan
I know Tetris isn't a character, per se, but you get the point. Both Duncan and Tetris have simple, powerful design. Tim is 7 foot, perfectly built, Tetris has the frame where the thingamajigs drop down. Both have staying power. Both are incredibly dull, yet astoundingly mesmerizing and addictive. You can't stop trying to fit the square in, or the upside down l, and you can't stop being amazed at Duncan's legendary bank skills.

I could go on and on, but hope to get some good comments and analasys of your favorite games.

Can the Bengals or Lions actually pull it off?

2008-10-21T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last year we saw the New England Patriots go through an NFL season undefeated. This year, with no great teams, can someone pull off the reverse? Seeing a team go 0-16 should be considered nearly as impressive as what the Patriots did last season, especially when you consider the parity in the NFL. As bad as they were, the Dolphins couldn't even do it last year. It would take a concerted effort to go winless throughout an entire season, so I don't know if it can actually be done, but there are two remaining candidates this year: the 0-6 Lions and the 0-7 Bengals. Even though the Bengals are one game ahead of Detroit, I submit that the Lions have a better shot to finish the 2008 season winless, leaving Lions fans to long for the days of Matt Millen in the front office.

The Bengals could really go winless, especially considering injuries to the back seven on defense and Carson Palmer at QB. The Bengals have kept several games close this season, leading me to believe that they will screw up and get a victory at some point this year. They even took the Super Bowl Champion Giants to OT at the Meadowlands. That shows me that this team is not committed to losing and will likely blow the streak somewhere down the line. Plus, the schedule provides some upset opportunities: Houston, Baltimore, Cleveland, and (especially) Kansas City. Cincinnati has shown a tendency to lose focus in the past, and if they do so again, it could mean a win. I think the Bengals pull off at least two wins, especially if Carson Palmer returns anytime soon.

The Lions can make a legitimate case for a completely blemished record. The schedule does them no favors. The rest of the schedule is as follows: Washington (5-2), Chicago (4-3), Jacksonville (3-3), Carolina (5-2), Tampa Bay (5-2), Tennessee (6-0), Minnesota (3-4), Indianapolis (3-3), New Orleans (3-4), and Green Bay (4-3). Who is Detroit going to beat? Chicago or Minnesota would be my best guess, but I don't see that either. Detroit has lost to both of them already this year by a combined score of 46-17. The Lions basically tossed out their QB, Jon Kitna, and are now starting Dan Orlovsky. Dating back to last season, the Lions have lost 13 of their last 14. They have not scored in the first quarter yet this season. Not even a field goal. The Lions have only 3 rushing TDs so far this season. The average score of a Lions game this year: Opponent 31, Detroit 16. The average losing by more than two touchdowns a game.

The Lions can really pull this off, and I fully support them in this endeavor. They haven't made the playoff since the 1990s, so history shows that the Lions have the pedigree to pull this off. They rank 27th in total offense and dead last in total defense. At the end of the year, this might be the highlight of the season for Detroit -

Tampa Bay

2008-10-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

Don't be surprised that the Rays are in the World Series. They won the AL East, which was probably the hardest division in baseball. Don't be surprised if they easily beat the Phillies.

Also, Red Sox suck.

Letter To Vick Intercepted

2008-10-17T08:29:00.000-07:00

You may not know this, but we here at the Jockstrap have a lot of ties to the men and women who work in correctional facilities. A person on the inside of the federal prison at Leavenworth, Kansas where Michael Vick currently is detained intercepted mail correspondence that Vick received yesterday. Vick has recently been in the news again because his former owner Arthur Blank recently told ESPN that he feels Vick should be allowed to play in the NFL again after his prison sentence for dog fighting is over. Our inside man got a hold of this letter, thinking it may be from Blank. It is not, but still has interesting information the fans of NFL Football will want to see. He sent it to me with the instructions to keep his name and position at the prison confidential. I post the letter for you here:

Dearest Michael,

I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits. I have heard that prison wears a man down, and drives him to the brink of insanity. I hope this is not the case with you. I understand that you have been working out and throwing a football around to keep your skills as sharp as possible. This is wise. Upon your release from prison, surely the NFL will give you a chance at redemption. This is America, and people love a story of redemption.
Michael, I think you should use this time wisely and learn from your fellow inmates all that you can. They can be a wealth of information. You and your friends were sloppy before, but in prison you can learn how to run a much more efficient clandestine dog fighting regime. You can be linked with the finest breeders of top notch Pit Bulls in the World. Don’t be lazy, and don’t seek out Allah or Jesus, none of that will help you now.
You have been a good tool in my hands, and I look forward to the day we meet, face to face, and I can tell you “job well done.” Beside that, the addition of you, Ray Lewis, Ray Carruth and OJ Simpson will really help our football team when we have to take on the Hosts of Heaven in our annual Heaven/Hell football challenge.

Sincerely,

Satan

PS-You should probably do something to get thrown in the hotbox every now and then. You need to get used to warm conditions. Let's just say we don't have central air down here :)

My Least Favorite Things

2008-10-15T23:21:00.000-07:00

I’m more than a little pissed off about the Dodgers laying down against the Phillies, so today I'm doing something cathartic. I was over at a neighbor’s house the other day and their children were watching The Sound of Music. In honor of that movie, here is a list of My Least Favorite Things. Boyd sang a little jingle when I told him about this list, so please, imagine his lovely voice singing “These are a few of my least favorite things” in the vein of The Sound of Music. I personally guarantee that it will make this read more enjoyable.

A Philadelphia - Tampa Bay World Series. I would rather shave my head with a cheese grater than watch these two teams in the fall classic. What an absolute sack of crap.

Tyler Hansbrough. This guy plays basketball like he is on a crack/heroine cocktail. Even though he could kick the tar out of me, I’d try to fight him if I ever saw him. That would be a stupid decision, but I’ve never claimed to not be an idiot.

Overly excited announcers. I get so sick of the announcers that get all excited about a field goal in the first quarter or a three pointer to tie a game at 14. It’s the first freaking quarter! Quit getting all giddy like a virgin on your wedding night.

Manu Ginobili. Quit flopping, sack up, and play ball like a man. He’s even worse than Vujabic.

That Latrell Sprewell is no longer in the NBA. Anyone with Sprewell’s track record should be in the league for entertainment value if nothing else. Anyone who chokes his coach and complains that $7 million a year is an insult because he's "got a family to feed" needs to be in the league.

Car racing. This isn’t even a sport, so it doesn’t really deserve mention on this site. It is one of my least favorite things, so it gets a spot. I love that they try to make it like hockey and glorify the upset drivers going and punching each other after a race. We see that every day on the road anyway, so why pay for it? I just hope other sports don’t start following the Nascar trend by deciding to put every logo and sponsor on their uniforms. Any sport where girls can compete at the same level as guys has to suck.

Local radio shows. Is there a local radio show anywhere that doesn’t blow? Please let me know, because I can personally verify that all the shows here are worthless. We have Monson and Graham, the Manly Morning Show, David Locke, etc. They all suck. PlayBoyd and I could do a better show than any of them, guaranteed. And please don’t get on the comments section and tell me that it’s harder than I would think. It’s not. Boyd and I can have sports conversations that are entertaining for hours. And you would all love it.

People who think LeBron is better than Kobe. I know there are a lot of you out there, including Boyd, but LBJ is not as good as Kobe. He’s a better athlete, but he’s not a better basketball player. Boyd will get on here and talk about PER or some other stat that shows how great LeBron is - and he is great - but Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than King James. He’s also a better A-hole.

Any college football team in the state of Florida. This includes UCF and USF. Miami’s players are a bunch of thugs and pedophiles.

Curt Schilling. Will he ever shut the hell up? One can only hope... This guy reminds me of a certain quarterback I have grown to loathe that can’t handle not being in the spotlight.

Brett Farve. Save the spelling comments, retard. I just want Brett to go spend his time pimping Wrangler and riding his John Deere instead of on my television.

Will Ferrell. I’m calling this sports related because of some sports movies he has made. Ferrell is the most overrated comedy actor on the planet. Can he even make one movie without stripping down to his drawers? Apparently other people find it funny, so I assume the answer is no. I’m not the only one who thinks Will blows.

The “if” argument. I get so sick of delusional fans who say, “if Wazzou plays great defense and gets 6 turnovers, I think they might have a chance to beat USC” or “if the outside shot is falling the Knicks could beat the Celtics in a seven game series.” We always hear these idiots on the radio shows when they call in and argue with the host. Enough. In the words of the Pimp in the Box, "if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle." If just doesn’t matter...

Ballers and tattoos. Pretty much every superstar in the NBA is tatted up. Allen Iverson looks like a subway in Harlem with all his graffiti.

Shaq getting old. Watching Shaq dominate in the post by dropping an elbow or a forearm shiver on smaller defenders has been one of the joys of my sports upbringing. The fact that he is getting old and can’t do those things as well anymore is tough for me. At least he breaks out the occasional Shaq sprint down the court to keep me happy.

The Denver Nuggets road uniforms. That shiny light blue is just gay, pure and simple.

Those elbow bands that all football players wear. Do they serve a purpose other than to show off your swell? As far as I know, the entire purpose of these Ulimate Warrior ribbons is to pinch your arms to make you look buff. That just irritates me. On the other hand, I love a good tinted visor.

The chest pound. Pau Gasol is the worst when it comes to this. I wonder, is it possible for a white guy to actually come off as tough when doing this? The next guy on this list could pull it off.

Chuck Norris. Okay, I lied - Chuck Norris shouldn't be on this list. Chuck Norris rules. Did you know that 94% of the women in the USA lose their virginity to Chuck Norris? The other 6% are fat and ugly.

You want to [insert idea/term here]? This is not sports related but it deserves mention. I can’t stand when someone asks you if you want to do something that you obviously don’t want to do. My wife will ask, “do you want to help me clean up the front room?” I’ll respond with, “not particularly.” That never goes well. The cycle repeats itself and I always end up in trouble. My question of, “you want to have sex” never seems to get the response I’m looking for either.

People who think Lance Armstrong is the greatest athlete alive. Get the hell out of here, Lance is not even close to the greatest athlete on the planet. I would honestly have a hard time putting him in my top 50. Riding a bike really far and for a long time does not make you an athlete. It just means you’re good at exercise.

NBA ticket prices. I have to take out a freaking student loan just to go to a game. Pisses me off.

Sweat bands. Now, I don’t dislike sweat bands when you’re actually playing ball and using them for a purpose, but if you’re wearing one that matches your little outfit as a fashion statement, then I hate you. You look like a Jack A with your Hurley sweat band and your Polo shirt with the collar popped.

The spelling bee, poker, and bowling being shown on ESPN.

Quarterbacks that unbutton their chin strap on every play. I mostly hate this because Brett Farve does it, as well as all his proteges, specifically Aaron Rogers and Matt Hasselback. Just strap up fellas.

The WNBA. Enough already.

Fans who go to the game sober and leave with a .30+ blood alcohol level. Get drunk at home.

How many timeouts are called at the end of a close NBA game. This usually seems to happen when I need to put one of the kids to bed. I’ll tell my wife it’ll be just a minute because there are only 42 seconds left and ten minutes later my kid is screaming up something fierce.

Athletes with 7 kids from 6 different women. I know Calvin Murphy and Shawn Kemp are relatively prolific in the illegitimate child category, so I’ll go ahead and pimp those guys here. By the way, how did Wilt Chamberlain not father more children than Brigham Young?

It’s getting late and I’m just getting myself more and more fired up with this, so I’m going to end here. I hope the Phillies get in a plane crash and the Dodgers, as NL runner-up, can take their place in the World Series. And no, I won't feel bad if that actually happens. What the hell is a Phillie anyway?

The NBA and Fast Food-Both Fast, Both Tasty

2008-10-15T09:58:00.000-07:00

I’m fat. It’s a fact. And why am I fat? Because I love fast food. I can’t think of a single fast food restaurant that I don’t like. I’m like Oliver Miller and William “The Refrigerator” Perry rolled into one. Okay, I’m not that fat, but you get the point: I love fast food. Now, it’s been a week or two since I wrote something completely ridiculous, so I decided that today is the day to do it again. Since I love fast food and love the NBA, today I am going to mash the two together to make a tasty blog sandwich for you to devour as I compare NBA players to fast food chains. Extra mayo, please.

McDonald’s
I have come upon a cultural phenomenon that I find fascinating. Whenever anyone talks about “gross” fast food, they always bring up McDonald’s. You’ve heard it all: “Their burgers are greasy. It’s not clean. I feel sick immediately after eating there. No one speaks English at the drive through.” You would think no one even likes Mickey D’s, the way people talk about it. My question is if everybody hates them, why are there so damn many of them? You never see one close, and they keep putting in new ones all the time. So quit your lying, you know you love McDonalds, fatso.

Comparison: Kobe Bryant
Just like McDonald’s, most people claim that Kobe makes them sick.vBut just like McD’s, you know that secretly, deep down inside, they love/lust him, just like my brother Grant loves/lusts the Big Mac. And just like McDonald’s, Kobe is the Lord and Master of the NBA/Fast food chain. Both have blemishes: McDonald’s has that movie Supersize Me, Kobe has that alleged Coloradan rape. See? The parallels are astounding.

Wendy’s
When I was a kid, my father took us to Wendy’s about once a month as a treat. We could never go to McDonald’s because he didn’t like it. Liar. His father forced him to eat there as a child, so as an adult, he chose Wendy’s. I wish I had the same reaction to Wendy’s as he had to McDonald’s, because my boobs might be a little smaller, maybe a B cup. Nope, I love Wendy’s. I’ll get the gut bomb Triple Cheese and down it easily. My only Where’s the Beef? with Wendy’s is that the fries are very inconsistent ever since Dave Thomas died. Dave apparently demanded fry perfection, and that has gone by the wayside in the past few years.

Comparison: Gilbert Arenas
Wendy’s and Gilbert have a lot in common. Both are solid, high–level performers that are well beloved, but just a tier below elite. Both are just a little bit quirky. See, Wendy’s uses the square patty. The round patty has worked for mankind for literally millions of years, and along comes Wendy’s and blasphemes the sacred art of burger preparation with the square patty. Same thing with Gilbert. Players have been listening to their coaches during halftime since halftime was invented, but not Gilbert. Nope. He needs to use the time to play online poker. He says it helps him keep his competitive edge. Can’t you just imagine Eddie Jordan drawing a play up on the white board only to find Gilbert calculating the pot-odds of making his flush on the river? Quirky. One more thing: Gilbert’s nickname is Hibachi because he heats up so fast. Wendy’s is the fastest in fast food. I swear the words “triple bacon cheese” will barely be out of my mouth and they are already putting it on my tray.

Kentucky Fried Chicken
They can call it KFC all they want, but no one is that stupid. We all know that it is fried chicken. Deep-fried. In fatty oils. Very, very bad for you. So quit trying to church it up, Kentucky Fried Chicken. The Colonel must be rolling over in his grave. I love KFC (abbreviated for the sake of brevity only) so much I would gladly sacrifice my firstborn for a lifetime supply of Original Recipe. Ok, not really, but you get the point. There is an all-you-can-eat KFC buffet in Salt Lake City, and the answer is about 7 pieces. If you can eat more than that, you have issues.

Comparison: Ron Artest
He’s so bad for you, but you love him just like you love that KFC. KFC will eventually clog your arteries and kill you, just like Artest will eventually kill your team, but the entertainment is just too delicious to pass up. Colonel Sanders was the ultimate fast food badass, as evidenced by his soul patch, and Artest is the ultimate NBA tough guy, as evidenced by his willingness to kick the fans ass in a brawl. (You gonna mess with the Colonel? Huh Golden Arches? Huh Wendy? Only the King has a chance to tangle with Colonel Sanders, but I’d take the Colonel, because first, he’d lull the King in by offering him a chicken dinner that he surely couldn’t pass up, and then boom! The Colonel would end it with a straight shot to the medulla oblongata. Adios King.)

Taco Bell
I used to love Taco Bell when they were cheap and open all night. Then somebody decided they could raise the prices and now it’s like 8 bucks to get a couple of tacos, a Nachos Supreme, and a Mountain Dew. Oh well, I still quiero Taco Bell and eat there once every couple of months.

Comparison: Manu Ginobili
You thought I was going to go with Eduardo Najera because he is a Mexican, didn’t you? Filthy racist. It wouldn’t have made sense anyway, as Taco Bell isn’t real Mexican food. It’s more like a distant relative of Mexican food. Manu Ginobili is from Argentina, so he’s kind of like a distant relative to Mexico. Taco Bell is good. Manu is good. See? This is too easy. Racist.

Subway
Who doesn’t love a “healthy” sandwich? Me. Give me the meatball sub with extra sauce and extra cheese and make it snappy. Subway is a great chain that never fails to satisfy. It sucks that they keep shoving that retard Jared down our throats, but I won’t hold it against them too much, because I’ll be too busy shoving a turkey and Swiss with extra mayo down it to get too bent out of shape.

Comparison: Derek Fisher
Subway is touted as this healthy alternative to fast food. But read the fine print. You’ll see that their “5 grams of fat” sandwiches are only 5 grams if you get them without cheese or condiments. Add a slice of provolone and some mayo and your ass will soon be growing to epic proportions. And don’t even think about throwing on some chips.
Fisher is the same way. Everyone thinks he’s a good player, and such a good guy. But when you look at the fine print, you see he’s only good if you take away his poor shooting. And his character is only good if you overlook that time he used his kid’s cancer to get out of Utah. Just sayin’. When you take a closer look at reality, Fisher is just like that Sub sandwich without the cheese and mayo: overpriced, bland and unappetizing.

In the end, the comparisons between the NBA and Fast Food are endless. I’m getting hungry. I wonder if Pizza Hut is open at 8 AM.

College Football at Midseason

2008-10-13T23:21:00.000-07:00

I thought about writing some type of hate post today because of how pissed I am about what happened to the Dodgers last night. As an effort to help me feel better, here are my thoughts about college football at midseason.

Best Player - Colt McCoy, Texas. It’s tough for me to pick McCoy over Sam Bradford of Oklahoma, but McCoy has been amazing. He is completing over 79% of his passes and has a TD-Int ratio of 17-3. Colt also has his team ranked at the top of the polls after beating Oklahoma. McCoy doesn’t have amazing yardage numbers because he has sat out the 4th so many times. McCoy also averages 5.9ypc, which is all the more impressive when you look at the fact that this statistic includes lost yardage due to sacks.

Most Impressive Team - This one is tough. Penn State, Texas, and Alabama have all been very impressive. I picked Oklahoma as the National Champ before the season started, so Texas beating them last week looks huge to me. Alabama won big at Georgia. The Clemson win isn’t looking so hot now that the Tigers went all Clemson on us by losing to teams they should beat. I have to go with Penn State on this because they have destroyed everyone they’ve played, including Oregon State (45-14), Illinois (38-24), and Wisconsin (48-7). If they get past Ohio State, Michigan State is the only team standing in their way of getting to the BCS Title game. I don’t think Penn State is the best team in the country, but they’ve been the most impressive so far.

Biggest Surprise - Penn State. I saw one preseason magazine pick them 7th in the Big Eleven. They had to break in a new quarterback and running back. With six offseason suspensions and questions about Paterno dying at any time, what they have done has to be considered a huge surprise. Don't old people always point with that finger?

Biggest Bust - There are four teams in contention for this title - Auburn, Clemson, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Auburn is 4-3, with losses to Vanderbilt and Arkansas. Clemson is 3-3 after being ranked in the preseason top 10 by everyone. Tennessee flat-out sucks - losing to UCLA is enough to verify that statement as doctrine. WV has lost to East Carolina and Colorado. I have to give the nod here to Tennessee, even though they weren’t in the preseason top 10 like the other three. Fulmer’s job is in some serious jeopardy after a 2-4 start. In the SEC that will lead to the student section going soccer/Raider fan on him and lobbing some urine balloons his way.

Most Impressive Win - The best win this year was Alabama’s destruction of Georgia on their own home field. Bama was up 31-0 at the half against the preseason #1 team in the country. That is awesome. I still think Nick Saban is a tremendous prick and I hope Bama doesn’t get anywhere near the SEC title game, let alone the BCS title game, but that win was impressive.

Best Non-BCS Team - Utah/BYU. I know this is a copout, but have watched both teams all season and cannot decide which team is better. At this point I would say that BYU passes the eyeball test while Utah has the more impressive resume at this point. After what I have seen happen over and over again this year, either of these teams being undefeated when they play each other at the end of the year should be considered extremely impressive. If this game were happening tomorrow and I were betting man, my money would be on Utah.

Fattest Coach - Ralph Friedgen, Maryland, and Mark Mangino, Kansas - tie. Both of these guys have to weigh in at over four bills. The fridge appears to have actually lost some weight, but he is still the size of a mail truck. Mangino looks like a walrus in many ways. This category makes no sense, but I needed a reason to put up a picture of this fan. Brilliant.

Most Overrated Player - Rey Maualuga, USC. Watch College Football Gameday and see how the broadcasters nearly reach climax while hyping Maualuga as if he is some kind of deity. The next time USC is on, watch Rey and see if he does much. He makes one or two big plays a game but disappears the rest of the time. However, he has done one thing that is absolutely classic. This picture of him at practice in a thong makes him an All-American in my book. When asked where he got the thong he said he got it from Brian Cushing's locker. Epic.

What the F Moment - Oregon State beating USC. I still can’t believe that happened. That’s what is great about college football, though. Anyone can lose at any time.

Random Thoughts:
I just want to point out that three of my five potential sleepers (from my preview post) are in the top 25: North Carolina, Oklahoma State, and Pittsburgh. Another one of my picks, Oregon State, beat the mighty Men of Troy. Maybe the Beavers aren’t as good as I thought they’d be, but at least they did something.

After touting my predicting abilities, I must mention my major failure. I listed Texas and Alabama each as teams getting too much hype. They happen to be ranked 1 and 2 right now. I suck.

Even though they are ranked #1 right now I still think Texas loses two games. They still play Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, and possibly the Big 12 Title game. They’ll lose two of those.

Enjoy watching Rick Neuheisel suck at UCLA this year. It won’t last long. Same goes for Rich Rodriguez at Michigan. Both of these schools will be perennial powers under those guys.

The Big East sucks.

The Big 12 is a better conference top to bottom than the SEC. I said it.

If it weren't for an injury, Beanie Wells would be the best player in college football. He has averaged over 7ypc in 3 of the 4 games he has played. He's the next Adrian Peterson - puts up huge numbers but is always banged up.

I get the feeling that even though USC lost to Oregon State, the Trojans will make it to the National Title game.

NBA Preview, PT II

2008-10-13T08:24:00.000-07:00

To pick up were I left off on Friday, I will finsih my preview for the upcoming NBA season.

The Vince Carter Division: These teams are like Vince, talented, yet fatally flawed. They should be good, but not good enough to compete for the title. There's Vince, grabbing the net for no apparent reason other than to prove that he can, probably during a disheartening loss.

14.Dallas Mavericks
Coach: Rick Carlisle
I believe Carlise is a solid NBA coach. I don't know, however, if he is enough of a change from Avery Johnson to make the difference that this team needs. I think Carlisle's defensive focus will not suit this team.

Roster: This team confuses me, I won't lie. They have a good team on paper with Kidd, Nowitzki, Howard, and a host of other talented role players, but just can't put it together on the court. Maybe now that the team has had some time to work out the kinks after the Kidd trade they will play much better. I doubt it. They won't be great because someone got in their heads and whispered the "D" word. Defense. This team was much, much, much better when they just tried to outscore you and play solid defense. If they can get back to that, they can play with anyone. With Carlisle at the helm, there isn't a chance in hell of that happening, so it should be a disappointing season.

Mobility: Downward
Waaaaay downward. Kidd is a shadow of his former self, Nowitzki seems to have lost his mojo, Josh Howard has leveled off. Jason Terry is fading. Other than maybe Brandon Bass, who is a freak of nature, there isn't a single other player on the roster who is improving. It is time to blow this thing up, Mr. Cuban.

13. Portland Trailblazers
Coach: Nate McMillan
This will be the truest test of McMillan's ability to coach. He has a team that is overhyped, and he will really have to do a hell of a job to get this team to play up to expectation levels. I'm putting this team pretty high, so it says something about what I think of McMillan as a coach. (I like him if that was too subtle, dumbass.)

Roster: These guys are fun to watch. These guys are solid and athletic all around. They are thin at the point, but Brandon Roy handles the ball enough that it doesn't seem to effect them that much. The biggest question is Greg Oden. He was just too good in college for me not to believe in him. If he can stay healthy and learn to avoid fouls, he can lead this team to the playoffs this year and anchor it for the next 15 years. I think he's that good. It's funny because I loved the Jail Blazers, and I love this team. I guess I just love Portland, despite never having been there. RIP Duckworth.

Mobility: Upward
5 years. Mark it down. Take a picture. I don't give a fu.

12. Orlando Magic
Coach: Ron Jeremy
Mr. Jeremy seems to be a fantastic lay. I don't watch much hard core, but I know that Mr. Jeremy is a legend. He was a good coach with the Heat before Pat Riley went all Benedict Arnold on him, and he did a good job turning the Magic around last year.

Roster: Dwight Howard is a bbb-beast. If this guy ever actually learns how to play the game rather than going off pure athletecism, watch out world. This is a solid, veteran team, with Jameer Nelson, who is okay, Rashard Lewis, who is good, Hedo Turkoglu, who is overrated but clutch. They picked up Pietrus, who I like and should help them defensively, where they lack a little. The bench is too thin here for any type of real contention, but they could fight for a middle playoff seed in the East.

Mobility: Downward
Other than Howard, no one is really improving, there is no cap space to bring anyone in, and no one valuable as trade bait. The Magic are stuck with this team, and it seems the other teams in the East are getting better, while they should just be about the same.

11. Toronto Raptors
Coach: Sam Mitchell
I'll be honest, I don't think Mitchell is a good coach. I don't think the Raptors think he is either, but they can't fire him because they owe him too much money and he has done a decent job with the team. Maybe I'm wrong. We'll find out this year, as he will coach his best team to date this year.

Roster: Let me just say, I loved the Jermaine O'Neal trade. The reasons are twofold. First, if Jermaine can stay healthy, he will be a huge aid to Chris Bosh and will help this team on both ends of the floor exponentially. Second, the trade frees up Jose Calderon to play 40 minutes a night without TJ Ford right behind him. Other than that, this team is mostly sharpshooters and role players, but you could do a lot worse than Jason Kapono as your sharpshooter.
The main problem here is toughness. I'm sorry, but when Kris Humphries is your toughest guy, you have problems.

Mobility: Upward
Barely. Bosh is 24, Calderon is 27, and Bargnan is 22, but other than that, this roster should be on the decline or the stay exactly the same. With some shrewed drafting and a hoodwinking of a retarded general manager (not hard to do in the NBA) these guys could be in line to be a nice team for years to come.

10. Philadelphia 76'ers
Coach: Maurice Cheecks
Mo Cheeks seems like a decent little coach. His teams play hard, he gets the most out of his guys. I don't think he's any sort of coaching genius, but he's solid and seems like a nice guy. Your team could do a lot worse than to have Mo Cheeks as the coach. Say, for example, PJ Carlesimo, or Stephen Hawking. (Ok, maybe Hawking would be a wonderful coach, so I take that back.)

Roster: Even with the addition of Elton Brand, this team is still not a true contender in my eyes. They are solid with Brand, Andre "Beavertooth" Miller, and Andre Iguodala, but after that, they get thin. Dalembert is okay, but has a low basketball IQ that gets him in trouble. There is some talent on the rest of the roster, but not enough to contend. People who are putting this team up with Boston or Detroit are on crack.

Mobility: Upward
Brand should be in his prime years, Iguodala is 24, Lou Williams 21 and improving, and Thaddeus Young could make the jump to a solid player in the next year or two, so I don't feel too bad about the nearly 10 million they will pay Andre Miller, who should start fading soon.

9. Cleveland Cavaliers
Coach: Mike Brown
Say what you will about his success, but Mike Brown is not a good coach. That offense Cleveland runs is atrocious. I mean, it makes my eyes hurt to watch the style this team plays. Brown has no feel for substitutions, and is just not a good coach. Did I mention he isn't good?

Roster: I really like the Mo Williams trade because it gives the Cavs a reliable second scorer and ball handler behind LeBron James. This team is solid defensively, but too one-dimensional still for me to think they have a real shot at the title. I don't think that Williams can be LeBron's Scottie Pippen, so the Cavs will just end up being a decent team, nothing more. The only thing I want to add is that with LeBron being as amazing team as he is, this team is a tough playoff out. I mean, really tough. Oh, and Mike Brown sucks as a coach.

Mobility: Upward
As LeBron goes, so go the Cavs. He seems to be getting better, so they will, too.

8. Phoenix Suns
Coach: Terry Porter
I can't believe that this was the best they could do in thier head coaching search. I mean, I'm sure Porter is okay, but they could have done better, couldn't they?

Roster: This team is built to run, but they have one hulking problem: Shaquille O'Neal. Shaq is still a good player, but he doesn't fit on this team at all. Maybe they will change how they play to suit him, but I doubt that will make them a better team. It's sad, but this team is no longer elite, and just can't hang with the big boys. The biggest disappointment has to be Boris Diaw. Can you belive they gave up Joe Johnson for this steaming pile o' poo? That has to hurt.

Mobility: Downward
The key cogs are aging and getting worse. Only Amare Stoudemire appears to be making progress. This team hasn't drafted well, and won't win a championship any time soon. Did I mention Mike Brown sucks? Bye.

The Boston Celtics Divsion: These teams all have a legitimate shot at winning the NBA title this year. It's pretty exciting when there are 7 teams that have a chance to be special. I can't wait for the season to start, baby. Look at the Celtics, with all their championship banners.

7. Houston Rockets
Coach: Rick Adelman
Adelman is a proven winner. His biggest problem is he's never taken a team to the title. This is his best shot since the Kings choked away a title to the Lakers. Oh, also the refs handed them that one game. That's water under the bridge, right Kings fan?

Roster: Yao Ming, Tracy McGrady, Ron Artest. Should be scary. For the training staff. Artest has never played a full season and went 57 last year, McGrady has never notched 82 and played 66 last year(66 of them hurt), and Yao Ming hasn't played over 60 games the last 3 seasons. On paper, this team is as good as any, but injuries will derail them. McGrady is already hurt. (knee) As an aside, adding Artest means I will definitely be watching more Rockets games, he's crazy as hell!

Mobility: Downward
McGrady is the oldest 29 year old alive, Yao is the oldest 28 year old, and Artest is too crazy to be reliable. Oh, and they have Skip-to-my-Lou at point. That can't be good in the long run.

6. Detroit Pistons
Coach: Michael Curry
Another head scratcher. Why give the keys to a porshce to someone who has never driven? Maybe he, like Indian Curry, will be spicy and awesome, but maybe, like Indian Curry, he will leave you with heartburn and nasty burps all day. Who knows?

Roster: Billups, Hamilton, Prince, Wallace and whoever else they put out there is pretty potent. Throw in McDyess, Stucky, and Amir Johnson and you have a true contender. This team has loads of talent, but is low on intensity come playoff time. You know what you are going to get here: 55-60 wins, and a loss in the Eastern Conference Finals. Here is the big question mark: Will they make a move? Stucky, Johnson, and one of the starters could land them somebody big. Would that be enough to put them over the top? We'll never know if GM Joe Dumars doesn't pull the trigger.

Mobility: Downward
All the main pieces are getting older. This team needs to make a move if they want one last legitimate run at the title before blowing this thing up. Signing Kwame Brown ain't gonna cut it, Joe D.

5. Utah Jazz
Coach: Jerry Sloan
I don't know if he is the best coach or not, but he is by far the most entertaining. Sloan looks like he might kill someone every minute of every game. The mics at Jazz games pick his cursing up every so often, and let's just say if they gave out a Turkey to a fan every time Jerry Sloan called someone a mother effing **cksucker, it would be like Thanksgiving Dinner for 20,000 people at every Jazz home game.

Roster: The Jazz are stacked. Deron Williams is a top 3 point gaurd, Ronny Brewer is underrated and emerging, Andrei Kirilenko is a great defender, a good passer, and an underused offensive piece, Carlos Boozer is a perennial All-Star, and Mehmet Okur could shoot with the lights off. Korver, Millsap and Harpring add depth off the bench. Jarron Collins waves towels. The biggest issue here is defense. The big guys can't gaurd anyone, and the second team fouls at prolific rates. If the Jazz can improve in those two areas, they could be losing to Boston in the Finals this year.

Mobility: Upward
Jazz fans are hoping Boozer doesn't pull a...,well,...Boozer and high-tail it after this year. If he does, Millsap fits in well and AK47 might return to his old form at his preferred power forward position. Williams, Boozer, Okur, Brewer, and Kirilenko are all under 30. There is talent on the bench. The future is bright for the Jazz.

4. New Orleans
Coach: Byron Scott
Byron Scott rode Magic's coattails to the NBA Championship in the 80's and he may ride Chris Paul's coattails to the NBA Championship in 2009. Say what you will about Byron Scott, but he knows how to pick the coattails to ride.

Roster: Chris Paul, Peja Stojackovic, Morris Peterson, David West, and Tyson Chandler is a great starting lineup. The bench is thin, but James Posey anchors it, and that may be enough to help this team jump the Lakers. Paul is amazing, is the best point gaurd in the league, and can make a case for being the most efficent overall player. I think this team might take a step back this year, but they should contend for the title for the next 3-5 years, barring catostrauphic injury.

Mobility: Upward
The core is young and improving. The core is Chris Paul. Keep an eye out on Julian Wright as well. Dude can play.

3. San Antonio Spurs
Coach: Greg Popovich
Pop is the best coach in the NBA right now. He never gets out coached, keeps it simple, and his players seem to love him. The refs respect him and his teams, and he has awesome pock marks on his face, leading my friend Jonny to call him Pockovich every time he says his name. What more can you ask for out of a coach?

Roster: Last year was an abberation. Bet on it. If Ginobili is healthy, he, Tim Duncan, and Tony Parker can lead this team back to the promised land. The biggest issue on this team is depth. Finley and Horry clearly are not what they were, but to address this, the Spurs went out and signed Roger Mason. I think he could fit in nicely. This team will rebound and could win another title or 2 in the next few years. Go ahead and doubt them.

Mobility: Downward
The Spurs aren't getting better. Age and injury have made them a lesser team than in years past, but they still have plenty of mileage in them in my opinion. Duncan, Ginobili, and Parker are 32, 31, and 26 respectively, and should continue to be good for the next 3 or 4 years.

2. Los Angeles Lakers
Coach: Phil Jackson
Phil is one of the greatest coaches of all time. Is he annoying and smug? Of course. Does he whine like a mule about the refs? Absolutely. He also knows how to get the most out of his players and has made numerous role playing slobs into household names.

Roster: Without Andrew Bynum, this team went to the finals last year. With him, they may just win it. I mean, think of Bynum, Gasol, and Odom as your front court, with Kobe Bryant and Derek Fisher as your gaurds. That is one big ass team. I still don't think they match up that well with Boston. Rondo v. Fisher is clearly for Boston. KB24 v. Ray Allen goes to La, but Allen is no slouch. Pierce v. Odom is a massacre for Boston, KG v. Gasol is clearly in Boston's court, and Kendrick Perkins v. Bynum way lean towards LA, but isn't a for sure thing until we see how Bynum has recovered from injury and fits in with this team. These guys should be fun to watch. Except Vujacic. I hate that little puto.

Mobility: Upward
Once KG, Pierce, and Allen start fading, this will clearly be the team to beat in the NBA for years to come. Only Byrant and Fisher are over 30, so there is a lot of room for growth, which is a scary thought.

1. The Boston Celtics:
Coach: Doc Rivers
Much maligned by me, I can finally start calling him Doc now that he has led the C's to a championship. (I have called him Glen exclusively during his tenure as coach.) I think I could have led this team to a championship more smoothly than Doc, but hey, I'll give credit where credit is due.

Roster: Stacked like Pam Anderson. Before last year, people were telling me the C's would be 6th in the East. I told them they would win it all. Are you kidding? Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, Kevin Garnett, me, and your grandmother would have had a fighting chance at the title last year. Rondo is a star in the making and Perkins knows his role and plays it to near perfection. The bench is thin, and got even thinner with the loss of James Posey, but let's be honest. The Celtics didn't win the championship because of James Posey. They won it because of chemistry, defense, and the new Big 3. Let's get number 18 up, boys.

Mobility: Downward
Who cares? This team is only going to get older and probably worse, but they have a 2-3 year window to win championships and that is worth 20 bad years after that, if you ask me. And before you call me a homer Celtics fan, just remember, this team won the championship last year, fairly easily, so this is a solid pick in my book, wether I am a fan or not.
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Whew! That took a long time. I'm such a nerd, I had fun writing that. Hope a few of you enjoy reading it.

Out.