Friday, January 16, 2009

Shaq Nicknames

Shaquille O'Neal is at it again. After showing some improvement in the area of freethrow shooting (he actually hit 11 in a row over the course of two games and is shooting like 69% over his last 100 chucks [which for him is a molten lava hot streak]) Shaquille gave himself yet another nickname, Shaqovic. His reasoning for his latest nickname is that all of the best shooters in the NBA have a last name that ends with "vich"(Stojakovic, Radmanovic, Vujacic, etc.).

I have to admit that the big fella is funny and often times very creative when it comes to giving himself nicknames. Over the years he has dubbed himself "Shaq," "The Diesel," "Shaq Fu," "The Big Aristotle," "The Big Daddy," "Superman," "The Big Agave," "The Big Cactus," "The Big Shaqtus," "The Big Galactus," "Wilt Chamberneezy," "The Big Baryshnikov," "The Real Deal," and "Dr. Shaq" (after earning his MBA). His back yard at his Miami mansion had a water slide and a tiki-bar and so he named it Shaqapulco.

SportsCenter ran a story on this last week and asked viewers to come up with their own nicknames for Shaq. All I can say is that the list was lame as lame can be and for this reason I started thinking of my own nicknames for the great Shaquille O'Neal.

1.  ShaqDonalds:  Take a look at some rookie footage of Shaq on YouTube and you will see that he has done nothing but eat since he made it into the NBA.  I thought he was fat when he played for LSU, but dude looks like he did that experiment from the movie Supersize Me where he had to eat at least one of everything from the McDonald's menu in thirty days only his experiment has spanned 16 seasons.  Is he still good?  Yes.  Is he one of the best?  Yes.  Is he twice the size he used to be?  Hell yes.  Step away from the Big Shaq, Fillet O'Neal, and the Sham-Shaq-shake and mix in a salad big guy.

2.  Radio Shaq:  I thought this one would have been a gimmie during Shaq's ill advised rap career.  Albums included Shaq Diesel, Shaq-Fu: Da Return, You Can't Stop the Reign, Respect, and the Best of Shaquille O'Neal.  That's right folks, he has a "best of" CD.  My favorite lyric you ask?  Simple:  "I flow like a stream, better yet a river.  You need to call me Mailman 'cause Karl can't deliver."  Brilliant Radio Shaq, brilliant.

3.  The Big Heart-A-Shaq:  It's not nice to say, but let's face it, dudes this huge do not live long lives.  If he is as big as he is playing basketball and working out almost every day of his life what is he going to look like when he retires?  A black Andre the Giant that's what.  Before he is 50 years old he is going to die of a massive heat-a-Shaq just like Andre and the saddest thing will be that Andre will have died the better actor.

I was going to put up a top five, but I see now that most of my nicknames for Shaq are weight related, so I will stop here.  Feel free to give me your ideas.  I only ask that you bring it harder than the ESPN audience that could come up with nothing better than "the Big Fella".  Please.  I know that this has been a little short, but I've really got to go take a Shaq.  Peace. 


Che said...

During the Heat's NBA Championship run, he would have appropriately been nicknamed CaddyShaq. Dude was clearly riding some Dwayne Wade coattails, but made sure to let the public know how he was "sculpting" Flash into the superstar he was. O'neal at Wade's Feet even went so far as to rip the championship trophy from Stern's hands, and present it to Wade as if to say, "Look at me! I brought this trophy to Wade! Not the other way around! Is anybody buying this!?!"

Che said...

I thought up another while making the rounds at work, Shaqolate. I must admit this nickname is mostly racially motivated, but it got me thinking. . . How much would you pay for a life size Shaq made out of delicious milk chocolate? If Nestle would have jumped on this idea during the LSU days, they could now be offering their Shaq bar with that added bonus on the corner of the wrapper that proclaims, "Now 40% More!"

Anonymous said...

Big Mistake By the Lake