Monday, September 29, 2008

An Attempt At Diagnosing the Various Sports Fans

I have always felt that there should be some type of guide for labeling the different types of fans. Therefore, partly in response to Jim's scathing oration on BYU/Jazz Fan, I have constructed a short list with which to diagnose what we call fanatics. The utility and credibility of this article requires that I focus on clinical, research, and educational purposes that are supported by my own personal experiences and, where possible, empirical evidence. My highest priority is to provide a helpful guide to assessing and diagnosing one's own fandom, or more likely, the fandom of others. Not all types of fans will be addressed here because the list could go on forever. Please, feel free to add to this list as needed - it is not intended to be comprehensive.

The Tough Guy/The Instigator
We've all met the tough guy/the instigator: he's the one who argues aggressively with anyone about who will win a game while strongly implying that he will kick your trash if you even consider arguing with him. For instance, he's also the guy who when you say, "Carlos Boozer is a terrible post defender," gets so upset that he challenges you to a fight by the flagpole or tells you he'll give you the business in the octagon. This guy can't back up his arguments with any facts or logic, so he goes with intimidation and the threat of violence.

Emotionally Invested
This is the fan who gets his feelings hurt if you even disagree with his opinions. He may also break into tears if his team doesn't do well. I have actually seen this before - he gets so frustrated that he begins to well up and cry. It's a sad sight, really. This guy isn't that fun to make fun of either, because he's so sensitive that it takes the sport out of it - you actually feel bad that his team sucks. Well, I don't, but some people might.

The Coach
I hate The Coach. He consistently ruins my live event experience. This is the guy who is constantly yelling at the players and coaches, telling them what to do because, obviously, the fan knows better than the paid professionals. I have been to several BYU games where the fans are constantly yelling at the QB and telling him how to read the defense. The Coach also is never satisfied with just saying what he has to say, he needs to elaborate to the guy next to him on why things would be better if the player/actual coach listened to him. "If he would have checked down to the hot route he would have..." BYU is notorious for having The Coach peppered throughout the bleachers.

The Premature Withdrawal
There are very few legitimate reasons for a fan to leave a game early, but it never fails - they leave and walk right in front of you in the middle of a play. Wanting to beat traffic or the fact that the game is a blowout are not good reasons. The weather is not a good reason. Needing to get home to the kids - not a good reason. Because you live far away - not good enough. Someone just died? Getting closer. Now that I think about it, I don't know that there is a good reason to leave early.

Superior to the Ref
This is the fan who is on the refs all game long, particularly at basketball games. The classic lines are usually something like this: “What are you, blind?” “Call it both ways, ref!” “Even Stevie Wonder saw that one!” and “Here ref, borrow my glasses.” This guy is at every single basketball game. Actually, it would be ok if he left early.

Captain Negative
I call this fan Captain because he deserves a bit of a superhero-ish title. Nothing is ever good enough for this guy. Your team just gained 19 yards? He's screaming about how you didn't get 20. The quarterback could be 14 for 15 and this guy is pissing and moaning about the one incompletion. It's like making out with Jessica Alba and being upset that she isn't using more tongue. Sometimes you should just be happy with what you've got...

The Embarrassment
I see this guy everywhere - he epitomizes BYU fan. The embarrassing fan is the guy that makes you feel stupid because he cheers for the same team you do. The embarrassing fan just does things that make you uncomfortable. The BYU/embarrassing fan wears socks with sandals, sweat pants, a jersey of Ty Detmer, and has a great big part in his hair. He also has delusions of grandeur and isn't afraid to state it to anyone within fifteen rows of him. I hate being by this guy because I feel stupid by association. Jim has ranted about the idiocy of BYU Fan, and in most cases it's legit. And I'm embarrassed by it.

The Eye Candy
Most people probably like having this girl at the game, but I don't. I saw about 5,000 of these girls at a UCLA football game last year. This is the chick who looks like she just came from a party at Pacman Jones's house. Her shorts or skirt barely pass her crotch and she's cut a jersey up so that it reveals most of her expensive aesthetic enhancements. She usually wears high heels with this ensemble, making it impossible for her to climb all the way up to her seat by the end of the first. She can usually be heard asking stupid questions, proving that she is just there hoping that either a) you'll spend most of the game staring at her or b) that she'll be able to get the attention of one of the players. Don't get me wrong, I understand that guys generally enjoy eye candy, but that can be enjoyed after the game.

The Logomaniac
This fan has his team’s logo on his hat, shirt/jersey, gloves, pants, and socks. If he’s a real die-hard, his shoes too. He is usually sitting on a team pillow and covered by a team blanket. The sad thing is when you see this guy sporting all his gear when he’s not at the game. It’s bad enough to look like that big of an idiot at the game, but when you see this guy just walking around, you know it’s bad. I have seen several fans who fit this criteria, most recently Celtic fan. This guy was sporting a Paul Pierce jersey, a Celtics hat, green ghetto shorts (you know, the male version of capri's), and the old school Larry Bird green/white/black Converse shoes. Ok, the shoes were pretty sick, but the rest was just pathetic.

The Bandwagon Fan
The Bandwagon Fan is currently a Celtics fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Giants fan. This is the guy who sports a different hat each year or season – last year it was a Colts hat, this year a Giants hat. The Bandwagon Fan is constantly running his mouth because he knows you can't talk back - he always has the last word and the bottom line. He would never be caught associating with a losing team. Every real fan has been accused of being a bandwagon fan at one time or another —PlayBoyd is currently getting some backlash for the Celtics winning the NBA title. Most people don’t believe that Boyd is old school - he is, I can verify this. I experienced the same thing in the early 2000s with the Lakers. It’s tough to be a true fan when you have the bandwagon fan out there sullying your good name.

My Cup Runneth O'er
This is my boy Dyer, no doubt. He always thinks BYU will go 12-0 and the Utah Jazz will go 82-0, followed by an impressive 16-0 run through the playoffs. Nobody can touch any of his teams. If someone tells him that the Utes have a chance to beat BYU, he’ll tell you that you’re a retard and you don’t know what you’re talking about. I ask Dyer who he thinks will win games all the time, and he has never predicted against BYU, the Jazz, or the Braves. Ever. The optimistic fan also thinks the team can always come back. Down 42-7 with 6 minutes left? Not a problem - we can do it! Because the glass is half full…

The Attention Seeker

This fan is always either wearing something ridiculous and painting his face or holding up a stupid sign. This is the least creative guy in the stands. Sportscenter is Next!! Wow, haven’t seen that before. How about John
3:16? Why does that show up at sporting events anyway? How about some creativity, such as Mosiah 2:17? You also have the guy holding up the D-Fence or the guys all standing next to each other with the team name painted on their chests. These guys just want the spotlight, but then when the spotlight comes, what do they do? They always yell the same thing—we’re #1! Um, Ok. The team could be down by 3 touchdowns in the second half and the fan finally gets the camera and yells “we’re number one!” Actually, Wazzou fan, you're #109, but thanks for the lunacy. The Jazz fan in this pic actually showed some rare creativity with this sign aimed at Tony Parker, thus warranting inclusion here.

Soccer Fan
This is the most terrifying and frightening fan of all. Soccer fan will lob urine-balloons at you and shoot the goalie if the team loses. Soccer fan is downright scary. The closest thing to soccer fan that I know of has got to be Raider fan. The whole phenomenon is downright frightening. If you go to a Raiders game and cheer for the opposing team, you must either wear protective gear or have some massive grapefruits. Notice the woman's crown in this picture. That is flat out amazing.

The "Fan" Who Doesn't Know Shiz

I'm always skeptical that I'll find this guy. Every time I engage in a sports-related conversation I expect that the person I'm speaking to will reveal that they don't know anything. For instance, when I first met my brother-in-law, Rob, I expected it to become obvious that he doesn't know his stuff. It didn't happen - therefore, I respect his sports knowledge. The Fan Who Doesn't Know Shiz is the guy who comes into my office when Boyd and I are talking sports and tries to jump into the conversation with lines like, “If the Colts didn’t have Payton Manning they’d suck.” Wow. Thank you for that amazing analysis - tell me more! The most annoying thing about this guy is that he tries to pretend he knows what he’s talking about even after you've pointed out his fallacies, and will then argue with you to the death. When you question him about something, he gets defensive and calls you an idiot because he can’t back up his argument with stats or facts of any kind. You need to recognize your limits people. I know my basketball, but I recognize that Boyd watches more of the NBA than I do, so I don’t pretend to know more about it than he does. In essence, I know my role.

Please, people, use this list to identify your place in all of fandom, and act accordingly. If you find yourself in several of these categories, please, in the words of The Rock, know your role and shut your mouth.

P.S. - since I have been getting comments about misspelling PAyton Manning's name, I thought I'd better clarify - I spelled it wrong because it is a joke from one of our older posts. I realize that it is PEyton. It's part of the joke people ... not knowing shiz ... get it? This site also only refers to Brett Farve.

Wanna Fight? Fight Me.

I detest fighting. I have been in very few(2) fights in my entire life. But I was watching some clips on NBA TV the other day and I saw a guy and thought, you know what? If I had to fight that guy, I could probably take him. Thus, the following post. First off, I am 6'2" 285 lbs of mostly flab. But I know how to use my weight. So, here are 3 lists: First are the NBA players I think I could take. Next comes the NBA players I wouldn't fight, even if I had a gun. Last are the players I think I could take if I had a bat, but I wouldn't challenge them without one. This might be lenghty.


Marcus Banks: Banks is listed generously at about 6'2" and 212 lbs. He is muscly and strong, to be sure, but my rage about his failures as a Celtics Lottery Pick would probably fuel me to an easy victory against Banks. I would simply get him on the ground and wear him out with my punishing weight.

Mike Bibby: Also generously listed at 6'2" and 190 lbs, no self-respecting man thinks he couldn't take Mike Bibby. Have you heard him talk? 3 words come to mind: Kermit The Frog. Bibby just looks weak, and I would exploit this by getting him on the ground and choking him out. Mike literally scares no one, least of all the beast writing this column.

TJ Ford: This guy is maybe 150 lbs, soaking wet. It's not that the little fellow isn't tough, but there is a reason that they have weight divisions in boxing. What I would do to TJ wouldn't be pretty. And I'm not afraid to fight dirty, if he starts winning, I'll go straight for the neck. TJ should think twice about challenging me.

The Phoenix Suns: And yes, I am including Shaq. I once saw Sherman "The General" Douglas put Shaq right on his ass during a skirmish, so I can't be too afraid of the behemoth. I'd just head straight for his knees and groin areas and take my chances. But the rest of them? All 120 lbs of Leandro Barbosa? (get him on the ground.) Grant Hill? (straight for the ankles.) Steve Nash? (pull hair, eye gouge, wrestle.) Boris Diaw (French. Would threaten a lot and wait for his surrender.) Beware, Phoenix Suns.


Ron Artest: Let's get the obvious out of the way. Not only is Artest huge, strong, fast and powerful, he is crazy with a side of crazy. He wouldn't just beat you up, he would humiliate you. Would anyone be surprised if you woke up tomorrow and the front page of the newspaper read: Ron Artist Arrested For Double Homicide? No. No one would be surprised, and that is a scary thought.

Matt Harpring: You might scratch your head at this one, but if Harpring is half as intense in a street fight as he is on the NBA court, he is just too dangerous to risk a fight with, even with a gun. You can just see the other players body language darken when this guy comes in the game. Imagine if he brings his full on-court intensity. You may never have children again.

Stephen Jackson: The other half of the infamous brawl in Detroit, S-Jack was even more intense than Artest during that melee. I mean, he was headhunting out there. The worst part was that Jackson actually seemed to enjoy fighting the fans. Scary. Just ask yourself this: Would you rather voluntarily get hit dead in the chest with a Taser 3 times, or have to fight Stephen Jackson? I'll take the taser because it probably won't kill me or leave me brain dead.

Alonzo Mourning: I don't know if this guy is a fighter or not, he would just have to look at me and I'd take off. Yes, this guy's stare is more intimidating than the whole Phoenix Suns.

Paul Pierce: Pierce may not look or be that strong, but my point with this is just, why waste your time? Pierce has proven he can withstand multiple stabbings, so if you are going to risk the murder charge, it might as well be with someone you have a small chance of killing.


Rip Hamilton: Just for clarification, this group is about the people I think I could take, but due to their sheer physical size I may need a weapon. I mean, Rip is like 6'7", so I could probably never get to him unless I had a bat, but once I evened up the score with a shot to his torso, I think I could take him.

Mark Madsen: Again, the only reason I would need a bat is because this Mr. Nice Guy is a literal giant. Oh, and in case you forgot, you might want to see one of the greates clips of all time. The best part is when Chick Hearn describes Madsen as a laundry boy. If you don't think I could take a laundry boy with a bat, you have a screw loose.

Yi Jianlian: Yi is a big boy, but looks pretty weak to me. The only real reason I would need a bat is because of the threat that he knows Karate. I mean, all Chinese people know Karate don't they? No? Well, then maybe I wouldn't the bat. Bring it on, Yi.

Delonte West: Delonte looks super scary during the game with all of his prison tats on his face and neck, but have you ever heard dude talk? He's all lisps and femininity. I'd need the bat because he is huge, but I may take my chances without it if I were feeling ridiculously frisky that day.
Now, nothing about the pic being a Celtic Pic. I know West is a Cav, but the pic shows the prison tats, along with that wierd thing by his mouth, and his red hair. Ridiculous.

Please, leave a comment about the people you could/wouldn't/would use a bat on, and when doing so, leave your physical attributes so that I can make a judgement as to the outcome.

Friday, September 26, 2008

The Worst GM/Presidents in Sports

When I lived in Sacramento a few years back, I was riding down the street while my friend was driving and hit something. We stopped and got out of the vehicle to see what happened. It was a huge cat. Half of the cat was pretty much smashed and it was screaming something awful. So my friend said, well, we better fix this. He got back in the car and ran over the cat again. The theory was, the cat was in misery, so better to kill it than let it suffer.
As fans we always think we're suffering. I've been a Dodgers fan my entire life, but have only seen them do something special once, in 1988. That was a long time ago. It seems like being in L.A. they should be able to spend some money and put a winner on the field. Until the Dodgers recently brought in the best player in baseball, it seemed nothing would help. Now, there have been some bad GMs and Presidents in sports, but there are two that seem to be worse than any others. Luckily these two men were finally run over for the second time this year. So, who is the worst GM/President in sports over the past ten-twenty years? I think it has to be one of these two, but if you think I'm missing someone let me know. And save it, I know Scott Layden sucks.

Matt Millen, Detriot Lions: Millen was finally ousted this week when he was let go on Wednesday. Millen has a legitimate shot to be considered the worst General Manager in sports history. Since Millen's arrival in 2001, the Lions have gone 31-84, the worst record in the NFL in that span. Well, not only the worst record in the NFL, the worst by ten games! The Lions did not win more than 7 games in a single season under Millen. During the first three years of Millen's tenure the Lions didn't win a road game, going 0-24. Since then, the Lions have really stepped it up, going 8-26. After Millen's fourth season as GM, Lion's owner William Clay Ford gave Millen an extension and a raise. Millen was making $5 million per year. Some guys have all the luck. What other job could you possibly have where you suck horribly, make things worse, alienate your clientele, and you get a raise for your efforts?

The Lion's fan base was so alienated that in December of 2005 they had a Millen Man March to protest Millen's contract extension. Fire Millen signs were seen at Lions games and Keep Millen signs would be seen in opponent's sections. Millen was quoted earlier this year as saying that the team's record under him is "beyond awful and worthy of having one's balls shot off." Thanks for the genitalia reference, Matt. Millen has been horrible in the NFL draft - of all the players he drafted in his years with the Lions, two have made the Pro Bowl. He has selected busts such as Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams. Didn't everyone know that Harrington and Williams shouldn't be drafted that high? Well, I must defer to Stephen A. Smith, who sums it up well:

This team is atrocious and Matt Millen is a walking football atrocity. He is the worst executive, in my opinion, in the history of team sports. He is flat out garbage. The fact that he is allowed to have a job, the fact that he is allowed to walk through the streets of Detroit to enter Ford Field is an abomination in and of itself. There should be barricades keeping this man out of the city limits. He should not be allowed to be employed by the Detroit Lions. He is a disgrace of the highest order.”

Isiah Lord Thomas III, New York Knicks: Is there a worse guy in all of sports? This guy is a prick of the highest order. The sad thing is that growing up I loved this guy, even as a Lakers fan. I thought Isiah was the truth. I watched him injure his ankle against the Lakers in the NBA Finals and come back to drop 25 in one quarter, a then NBA Finals record (it may still be, I don't know). I thought Isiah was great - watching him throw a bounce alley-oop, his insane handle, and his captaining the toughest team in the league was impressive to me. Too bad I later found out what a complete A-hole he is. He seems to take his middle name literally.

A sign to the Knicks that signing Isiah as GM might be a bad thing could have been the fact that Thomas almost single-handedly destroyed the CBA. In 1998, Thomas purchased the CBA and it took him only two years before the association had to file for bankruptcy. In 2003, the Knicks hired Thomas as the President of Basketball Operations. By 2006, the Knicks had the league's highest payroll and second-worst record. In 2006, Isiah was also charged with sexual harrassment, which resulted in Madison Square Garden paying Anuche Sanders 11.6 million dollars. You see, Isiah has this magical life where he can do whatever he wants with other people's money. Must be nice. It also came out in the trial that Isiah said he doesn't care about "these f---ing white people" or "these f---ing season ticket holders." Class act, Zeke. Class act.

During the 4+ years of the Isiah era, the Knicks have lost over 60% of their games. They even had a worse record (56-108) when Isiah was put on the bench as coach after Larry Brown left. Over the span of the Thomas tenure, the Knicks have amassed the NBAs largest payroll and third-worst overall record. It all started when Thomas bet the farm on perpetual malcontent Stephon Marbury. If that wasn't enough, Isiah went out and got studs like Jamal Crawford, Jared Jeffries, Quentin Richardson, Jerome James, Steve Francis, and Zach Randolph. He got players just good enough to lose with. Isiah created a team of scorers - five guys on the floor who saw every shot as their own. Every time down the court on defense you have four guys pissed off because they didn't get to take the shot on the offensive end.

I found a recent quote from Isiah: "We need to build a culture here, a foundation. The guy who poured the concrete never gets a chance to live in that beautiful house." Zeke knew his days were numbered and that someone else would have to tear up the awful foundation Zeke built. Remember the early days, when the most damage Isiah could do was to freeze out MJ and destroy the CBA? Until Walsh finally ran over this cat for the second time, it was beginning to look like Thomas had his sights set on the NBA too.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Advice For Favre

Anyone who has followed this blog with any sort of frequency knows I am not a big fan of new Jets QB Brett Favre. I don’t like Favre for many, many reasons. First of all, he says his last name Farve and spells it Favre. I don’t like that and it seems French. The only French things I like are French Fries. Oh, and French Bread. And French Pastries. Okay, I surrender I guess I love France. But no matter. Favre quarterbacked my least favorite NFL team, The Packers, for about 26 years. That's not good. Also, I don’t like that Favre pimps Wrangler jeans. You ever worn Wranglers? Of course you have, Bumpkin. You probably still wear Jean Shorts and homemade muscle shirts with your Oakley sunglasses. But most of all, I hate Off-Season Brett Favre. You know, the one who can’t decide what he wants to do. Do I retire? Do I not retire? Blah, blah, blah.

Brett has officially hung on for too long. But he isn’t the only one. Lots of people and things stay past their primes. Favre has been a great player on the field for most of his career, so I want to extend the reconciliatory olive branch in the beak of a dove to Brett and offer him some advice for his future. No doubt at the end of this season Favre is going to hem and haw and hold the national media and all 14 Jets fans hostage with his classic should I/shouldn’t I retire shtick. I offer him these examples from pop culture and hope he can learn the lessons they teach us about hanging on when we should just go away.

No show has hung on by a thread quite like ER has. This thing should have been cancelled literally 10 years ago. At first, like Favre, ER was a big hit, with good writing, good acting, and it made for some compelling TV. But then, things just started getting ridiculous. Just like Favre had that ridiculous season when he threw about 72 interceptions, ER turned to gimmickry to keep people watching. I knew I could never watch another episode when I turned on ER only to see a tank bearing down on the hospital. Then there were some helicopter accidents and they brought on Uncle Jessie from Full House and who knows what. Go away, ER. Go away, Favre. (That almost rhymes.)

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That)-Meat Loaf
We get it, Meat Loaf. You would do anything for love, but you won’t do that. Even the title of this song is too damn long. Meat Loaf took a potentially good 3, maybe 4-minute song and stretched it out to almost 12 minutes. It’s pretty obvious the that Meat Loaf is talking about is taking it up the back door, but come on, Loaf, just say it. No need for ambiguity. Most men and like 75% of women wouldn’t do that, anyway. That being said, I have to admit I love this song. It’s just so epic. It keeps going and going, but there is payoff in the end. I guess if Favre can win the Super Bowl with the Jets in the next 6 years he plays, then it would make it all worth the anguish he puts us through every summer, but the chances of that aren’t high.

The Old Testament
Don't tell me that the Old Testament isn't pop culture. It's still popular and it's still part of our culture. Anyway, I don’t want to get all sacrilegious, but did we really need 1st and 2nd Kings and 1st and 2nd Chronicles? All 4 books say the same thing. Someone begat someone who begat someone, we get the point. There was a lot of begetting going on. You could have cut it down by about 300 pages and we still would have gotten the point. And just like you want to get through both Kings and Chronicles and get to Isaiah, people want to get to the new generation of NFL QB’s, Brett. You could have retired 5 years ago and still made the Hall of Fame, easy. P.S. I’m probably going to hell.

The Lord of The Rings: The Return of The King
How many endings did this movie have? About 4 too many is how many. Now I’m not a big Lord of the Rings nerd anyway, but I went and plopped down my 8 bucks to see this movie, wanting to see if little Frodo and his man-lover Sam could kill the ring or whatever their little nerd quest was, but by the 3rd ending I actually started booing in the movie theater, which surprisingly got laughs from the people around me. I thought there was a good chance I’d get shushed or at least dirty looks, but people were laughing and nodding in approval. Strange. This movie would have been good if it were an hour shorter. As an aside, I thought Sam Cassell did a great job as Gollum in this movie, he should act more often. Favre, you aren’t quite at this stage yet, but one more off-season like last and you’ll jump ahead of this movie for false endings, so beware.

There you have it Brett. Learn from you Pop Culture Predecessors. Let this be your swan song. Don’t be an ER. Don’t make me hire someone to go to your home and do that to you.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

He Hate Me - NBA Version 2.0

I was going to follow up Boyd's hating certain NBA players/teams with some love, but after thinking about it I just can't muster up the strength. There are far more players in the league that I dislike than I like. I get sick of these guys with their flopping, their bling, and their tats everywhere (not that I necessarily have a problem with any of those things in isolation - it's the combination that irritates me). So I took the easy route and decided to mooch off of Boyd's idea - here is a short-list of who I hate in the NBA. Some of you may have read my rationale for my love/hate relationship with Kobe Bryant, so he will mercifully be left off of this list. Just know that in reality he is on it.

Sasha Vujabic: Now keep in mind that this comes from a long-time Lakers fan. I hate Sasha. Is there a player in the league who makes less big plays yet thinks he's Kobe Bryant? Did you see him in the NBA Finals getting in Paul Pierce's ear? How did that work out for you, Vujabic? Oh, yeah, Paul won the Finals MVP and dropped 22, 6, and 5 per game. Sasha went for 8 per game, but that didn't stop him from pounding his chest every time he hit a shot. The best part of the series was when he hit a three and was so busy telling Ray Allen about it that he forgot to defend Pierce on the other end as The Truth calmly drained a three. Kobe then got in Sasha's ear and Vujabic looked like he just lost all of his teammate privileges with Kobe. It was beautiful.

DeShawn Stevenson: I've disliked DeShawn since he made his home here in Utah. DeShawn has always seemed to think he's 14 times better than he really is. LeBron stopper? No. DeShawn is so ridiculous that Jay-Z even made a diss song about him. Ok, that's actually pretty awesome, but I still don't like the guy, great facial hair notwithstanding. I must reminisce - my buddy and I went to the Rocky Mountain Revue the year after DeShawn had gotten in legal trouble for having coitus with a 14-year-old from Fresno. During the warmups DeShawn was putting on a ridiculous dunking exhibition. My boy Horse yells to DeShawn - "Hey Shawn, please stay away from my daughter's daycare." DeShawn promptly flipped him off and everyone in our section started yelling at Horse to leave their loveable Jazz hero alone. This seems to play into what Jim said in response to Boyd's list - Jazz fans are generally stupid.

Kenyon Martin: There are so many reasons to hate Kenyon. How about the fact that he has never played a full season in his NBA career? How about the way he always pulls his jersey to the side so we can see his nipple, er, his tattoo? Maybe it's the fact that his nickname is K-Mart. Seriously? K-Mart? I guess the K-Mart nickname fits - both claim to be better than they really are, both have graffiti-laced exteriors, and both appeal to a certain ghetto/trailer-trash audience.

Al Horford: Horford is going to be very good. The guy definitely has a bright future in the league. I actually liked him when he was at Florida, but he seems like a new man in the NBA. He has this new Kobe-like cocky demeanor that just rubs me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong - I actually love some good trash talk. Reggie Miller is one of my favorite players of all time because he could really jaw. But Horford just has this smugness about him that makes me want someone to crack his skull. Did you see him running his yap and trying to manhandle KG in the playoffs? Normally I'm down, but he looked like he was insulted to be on the same court as Garnett. Horford isn't worthy to wash KG's jockstrap, by the way. Although this has nothing to do with me disliking Horford, here's a good story having to do with Boyd. We went to see the Hawks last year at the Rocky Mountain Revue and Horford was injured and not playing. We didn't know what the story was, so in true PlayBoyd fashion, Boyd starts heckling Horford from about 25 rows back. Boyd yells that Horford needs to quit being a wuss and get in the game. Some guy about 10 rows down gets completely bent out of shape and turns and points at Boyd and yells, "you get out there with a bad ankle." The kid's face was bright red like he was ready to step into the octagon. Boyd ignored the kid and yelled at Horford some more, and it looked like the kid had a friend holding him back. The kid's lucky too - Boyd would have given him the business, Crane Kick style.

Pau Gasol: I just hate Pau. Having Pau, Kobe, and Sasha all on the Lakers makes me physically ill. I've been a Lakers fan my entire life, but I just can't cheer for these guys. I've been a Jazz hater my entire life, and because of that little threesome I found myself cheering for Utah in the playoffs this year. I watched Pau the entire playoffs and he has the same scripted reaction for every single play - if he scores, he's pissed off that he didn't get an And-1; if he doesn't score, he complains that he was fouled and he pouts the entire length of the court; if he gets an And-1 or makes an assist, he pounds his chest and screams like Tarzan. Plus, he's ugly as hell. I can't stand Pau. Give me Kwame Brown back - at least I can stand to look at him. And for all of you who read or commented on Boyd's classic rock-NBA post, Rush does suck.

Manu Ginobili: Manu might be my least favorite athlete of all time. I think I actually do hate Manu. Not in the fictional character sense, but I think I really have true disdain for this guy. He's such a piece of complete crap. I've never seen someone who flops as much as this guy (and I've watched Fisher and Divac throughout their Lakers careers, so I've seen floppers). And it doesn't help that Bill Walton gets a rager every time he does a Spurs game. Manu is so amazing! Manu is unbelievable! It gets old. You'd think that Ginobili ran into Shaq every time he goes down the lane. For a guy who is practically a contortionist, he sure seems to lose his balance easily when anyone is close to him. The most frustrating thing about Ginobili is that he is actually really freaking good. If he sucked, i.e., Vujabic, then it wouldn't be so frustrating to watch him. Not to mention his bald spot. I have provided a picture for your viewing pleasure.

I Hate You-NBA Style

Not you, baby. I love you. Deeply. Strongly. Passionately. I love and want to make sweet love to your whole damn body. Right now. (spoken with a Barry White-esque voice.)

Try as I might to fulfill the Christian commandment found in Matthew 22:39 to love my neighbor as myself, I find myself strongly disliking some professional athletes. Obviously, I don't know any of these people on a personal level and therefore can't harbor any real hatred towards them, but I certainly hate them as athletes, and for different reasons. Some I may hate due to success against my favorite teams, some because of their attitudes, some for something as shallow as how they look. It just depends, really. So, without further ado, my list of most hated NBA players:

The Detroit Pistons-
I know this isn't a player, but literally, I can't think of a single Piston I like. Billups, Hamilton, Wallace, McDyess, Prince, Stuckey, etc, etc. I hate them all. There is just something about them that makes me want to come through the screen and punch them in the collective nutsack. Wouldn't that be fun? Rasheed starts whining to an official after an obvious foul and then boom! Right in the nugs. Between Sheed's whining, McDyess' Dr. Doom-like face mask, Rip Hamilton's constant cheap-shots, Tayshaun Prince's freckles and Billups always getting to the free throw line, I just can't stand 'em.

Vince Carter-
I know the guy has ridiculous talent and has some of the best dunks in the history of the game, but he just bugs the crap out of me. Yes, he quit on Toronto, and yes, he fails to get enough out of his enormous talent, but to be honest, I didn't like him when he was in Toronto, or even on North Carolina. There is just something about how he sneers after a big play that I hate. Also, I hate that he sits and shoots jumpers when he is killer going to the hole.

Brad Miller-
B-Rad the pot smoker gives all white NBA players a bad name. I mean, he fits every stereotype about white guys in the NBA. He's tall, slow, unathletic, is a good shooter, can really pass, can't defend and loves weed. (Okay that last one is really a stereotype about all NBA players, but I digress. Either way, Miller loves the ganja.) Add to that the fact that he plays for the boring Kings and always has a whiny look on his face and I just can't stand him and his fundamentals.

Damon Jones-
Ugh. Damon Jones comes off the bench for whatever team he plays and makes one shot a game and then prances around like the Queen of Spain. I've never seen a career 6 point per game player think so highly of himself. Oh, and he rocked that ridiculous shaved mohawk for quite some time. (Ok. That was kind of cool.) One of my favorite moments in All-Star Weekend history was watching the cameras panning around during the dunk contest only to find Jones in a ridiculous red suitcoat, only to have Charles Barkley start ripping Damon for the coat. From that point in the telecast on, any time there was dead air, Barkley would bring up Damon Jones' coat. It was great. In fact, I found video of it here. I strongly recommend you watch that. (Thank goodness for Youtube!)

Jarron Collins-
You may be asking yourself "how could anyone hate Jarron Collins? He doesn't do anything." Exactly. Look, I am far and away a Celtics fan, and love them more than some human babies, but because I live in Utah and have for my whole life, I have an affinity for the Jazz. And Collins may be the worst, least athletic player in the NBA today. I mean, his twin brother is awful, but somehow, Utah got stuck with the bad Collins. Funny story. Every time Collins comes in the game, I start booing him. I was on the 20th row and somehow had convinced my wife to come to the Jazz game with me. Collins gets subbed in and of course, I start booing vociferously. My wife whispers to me "stop it." I then say loudly "No need to worry. I'm not offending anyone. Collins isn't anybody's favorite player. Even his mom likes his brother better." I kid you not, half of the section started busting up laughing.

Eric Snow-
Again, another head scratcher for most of you. Only Cleavland fans and I might get this one. I dislike this guy strongly. I have no clue how he's been in the league for so long, since he isn't actually that good at basketball. Ok, another story. I was at the Jazz' Summer League and we were watching I believe Seattle play somebody. Snow was on the Seattle squad and I didn't even know who he was. I was like 15 or 16. Anyway, we we're 1 row behind the bench and we start heckling this guy on the Seattle team named Raimonds Miglinieks. For whatever reason, we find the name Raimonds hilarious and choose him to heckle. The coach won't put him in and we start saying "come on, Coach. Put in Raimonds!" Whenever someone would mess up we say "if Raimonds were in there, he wouldn't done that." Anyway, Raimonds is getting pretty upset as we are only 1 row back. Finally, the coach puts in Raimonds in the 4th quarter and he subs in for Eric Snow. Snow sits down, looks over at me and says "Man, get a life." I then yell "You get a life. You're the one sitting on the bench in a rookie league game." He rolls his eyes at me and looks away. Okay, that one turned out pretty well for Snow, he's rich. Anyway, after the game, Raimonds comes over to the bench, wipes his face with a towel, and then throws it rocket-style on my face, which is awesome. He then challenges my buddy Phil to a fistfight. Oh, the days of yore, how I miss you at times.

Here is the rest of my list, briefly:
Carlos Arroyo: Stop pounding the Puerto Rican flag on your chest, you suck.
Marcus Banks: You have a square head, and you suck.
Derek Fisher: Used his kid's cancer to get out of Utah. And he sucks.
Josh Howard: Hated him before I found out he hates America.
Nate Robinson: You ain't tuff, little man. Work on your game rather than your dunks.
Brian Scalabrine: The C's really could use those 3 million dollars, Scal.
"Tender" Ronny Turiaf: Announcers love him too much for what he does: nothing.
Hedo Turkoglu: The Ultimate "Euro Face." I can't stand "Euro Face." Doesn't help that he hits big shots.
Sasha Vujacic: Even Laker's fans hate this guy, I'm sure of it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

The NBA and Classic Rock-It's Fantastic!

You don't know how many times I've been speaking to someone between the ages of 40 and 60 who has told me that they no longer relate to the NBA. They used to love it back in the days of Magic, Bird, and Jordan, but now the players make so much money, and are such thugs that they just can't enjoy the leauge. Specifically, they often say that the marketing of the hip-hop culture really turns them off. All that hippity-hop music, baggy clothes, and bling causes a disconnect between these older fans and the players of today. They also think it seeps into every day culture. I mean, just look at that baby offering a fist pound. Disgraceful.

But what if the marketing direction was different? It's not that big of a stretch to connect NBA players to the music of the 40-60 year old, classic rock. With that in mind, I just might send this to David Stern to help him get these valuable fans back.

AC/DC-Shaquille O'neal
Has there ever been a more unstoppable force in Classic Rock? Has there ever been a more unstoppable force in the NBA? No and no. Are both extremely limited in some regards? Of course. Let's face it, AC/DC only really has 1 song, which they just retool and re-release over and over. And Shaq only really has one move-the dunk. But that's okay, because that song is a great song, and that dunk is a great dunk. Also, both have that kick ass and take no prisoners attitude that define their styles.

Eric Clapton-Steve Nash
These two both have a classy style, highlighted by moments of improvisational genius. Both have rocked ugly hair most of their careers. Both had periods of being kind of bad (The first 4 years of Nash's career, the 80's for Clapton.) In the end, both are revered and respected despite being slightly past their respective primes. Oh, and I just wanted to say that Cocaine is a great song, and if someone sings it at a Karaoke party, you need to bring the thunder on the next song, not some pussy crap like "Summer Lovin." Just saying.

Rush-Kwame Brown
I once got free box seat tickets to see Rush at Delta Center in Salt Lake City. I went with an open mind. The house was packed with rabid Rush fans. The show itself was fantastic, with 3 hours of pyrotechnics, dragons, and all sort of wierd and fantastic things. The only problem was the band. Every song would start out and I would think "oh, this one sounds like it might be okay" and then the band would take the song to a horrible, dissonant place, accented by the hideous shrieking of lead singer Geddy Lee, followed by an amazing solo, returning to an even worse place, then ending. You could tell the band had talent, but wasted it badly, not unlike Kwame Brown, who has all the physical attributes and talents to be a star, but can't put it all together. One more thing about Rush: If your drummer writes most of the songs, you may be in trouble. If you like Rush you probably need to be on anti-psychotics.

Scorpions-Dirk Nowitzki
Different. Beautiful. German. What more can I say? Winds of Change would be on the "Whistling's Greatest Hits" CD if it ever got made. There has been a lot of talk about making that CD, but very little action, Derek. Where was I? Dirk Nowitzki and his flowing hair made it big in America, just like Scorpions did. No one can deny playing some air guitar to Rock You Like a Hurricane. And no one can deny being slightly impressed by Dirk's MVP season. But just like Scorpions faded quickly, so too will Dirk. Oh, and by the way, the lyrics are "I follow the Moskva down to Gorky Park listening to the wind of change" I wasn't even close!

The Eagles-Kobe Bryant
When I think of the Eagles, I throw up a little. Then I think about their versatility and musicality. This is one of the most talented rock groups of all time, without a question. Same with Kobe. He can simply do it all, and makes it look easy. I have to respect both for their undeniable abilities. Both however, just rub me the wrong way. Maybe it was the alleged Coloradan Rape for Kobe. Maybe it was the song Desperado or New York Minute for the Eagles. Who knows? I just have to agree with The Dude from Big Lebowski: I just don't like the (bleeping) Eagles. And I just don't like the (bleeping) Kobe Bryant.

Led Zeppelin-Kevin Garnett
This one is easy. Both KG and Zeppelin are top notch and classy. Now, Zeppelin didn't have a whole lot of singles that topped the charts, just like KG had only taken his team out of the first round one time before this last season, but no one could deny the greatness of either. Robert Plant has a pretty intense voice to match the on-court tenacity of Garnett. And I heard Jimmy Page is an excellent defender of the pick-and-roll, er, can play guitar solos with a violin bow.

Def Leppard-Jim Abbot
I know Jim Abbot played baseball, but the drummer from Def Leppard only had one arm and so did Jim. That alone requires a mention on this blog. One armed dudes succeeding is always cool. Both had 2 good things: Abbot had an 18 win season and a no-hitter, Def Leppard had Hysteria and Pyromania. It is officially cool to, whilst bowling, tuck one arm into your shirt and air drum to the song "Pour Some Sugar on Me" if it comes over the loudspeaker.

The Beatles-LeBron James
Lebron James is, in my opinion, the most versatile and best player in the NBA today. He may go down in history as the best player of all time when all is said and done if the Cavs could get another good player or two. I mean, he's only 23 years old. LeBron can do it all: pass, defend, score. The Beatles could do it all as well: pop, rock, country, blues. Both really only have one weakness: LeBron's suspect outside shooting, and the Beatles' Ringo Starr.

There you have it Mr. Stern. You are welcome.

Friday, September 19, 2008

CGW - Coaches Gone Wild

There's not much I love more than a good rant from a sports coach. I'm not talking about the little league coach who is yelling at parents in the stands and telling them he'll play whoever he wants to play. I mean the classic college or professional sports coach who puts on a great show for the media or the fans. Even though I didn't put one on this list, I love a good baseball manager who gets about four inches from an umpire's face and screams. Then he goes and kicks dirt on the plate. Then he gets really mad, pulls second base up, and launches it into center. I love that. LOVE that. I crack up every time. I may have obsessive-compulsive disorder or something, but a compulsion of mine appears to be making lists. So, here are seven of my favorite coaching tirades/meltdowns of all time, in no particular order (I reserve the right to make my list of athlete meltdowns at a later date, so you won't see some of the classic lines, such as "I will eat your babies," or "practice," in this one):

Herm Edwards, New York Jets: I've always wondered why we play sports. Leave it to Herm Edwards to give me the answer I've been searching for. Herm gave this prepared speech after the Jets lost a game to the Cleveland Browns that left the Jets at 2-5. The speech must have been masterful because the Jets went 7-2 the rest of the season to finish as AFC East Champions at 9-7. Edwards also parlayed this into a book called You Play to Win the Game: Leadership Lessons for Success On and Off the Field. Herm also dropped this beauty after losing 6 straight games with the Chiefs: "Get over it! It happens. It's called life." Thanks, Herm. I think I'll go order his book from Amazon. Here's a link for those of you who are interested.

Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State football: This Gundy rant is tremendous. It's so scripted that it almost reminds me of a bad wrestling promo. You know, like from Bret "The Hitman" Hart or something. The best part is that Gundy says "I'm a man!" with such authority that it almost convinces me that the player he's defending doesn't qualify for that designation. The player is either a boy or a woman, then? I wish Gundy would have clarified that for me.

John Chaney, Temple basketball: After a basketball game against UMass, John Chaney was adamant that UMass coach John Calipari intimidated the referees into making calls for the Minutemen. Chaney got so irate that he actually threatened Calipari, screaming: "I'll kill you. I'm gonna kick your a$$." Chaney also explained to Calipari that this was the reason he told his players to hit Cal's players in the bleeping mouth. Chaney, who had to be 60 at the time, actually had to be restrained from going over and giving Coach Cal the business. I'm not an MMA fan, but seeing Calipari vs. Chaney would probably draw big PPV buyrates.

Dennis Green, Arizona Cardinals: This one is just flat-out funny. Green was bent out of shape because his Cardinals blew a big lead to the Bears on Monday Night Football and he decided to deliver this gem of a press conference. I can't decide which is my favorite part: his all of the sudden becoming irate or the way he storms out after his speech. Good stuff, Denny.

Bobby Knight, Indiana basketball: This is classic. Who throws a chair? Not only that, but at other people? This is amazing because it seems like one of those tantrums my 3-year-old daughter might throw, but even she would be too embarrassed to take it this far. Imagine if The General had a better arm - he could have pulverized someone. I could have selected so many from coach Knight, but the chair toss is classic. Like an event at the Redneck Olympics or something.

Jim Mora, Indianapolis Colts: Not only does Mora give us a lesson in all the different levels and classifications of football, but he helps us know that him saying "that sucks" is just his opinion, not gospel doctrine. Thanks, Jim. Oh, then we get a masterful breakdown on a Saints game that they apparently lost. "Diddley Poo" should be in the one-liner hall of fame if there is such thing.

Boise State at 16 Oregon
Hank: Oregon on a hunch.
Rob: Oregon - big
Taylor: Oregon - new QB but the D is really good.
Boyd: Oregon
18 Wake Forest at 24 Florida State
H: WF - because of my distain for FSU and because WF is just a better team.
R: WF - FSU hasn't played anyone. Why are they even ranked?
T: WF - FSU has more overall talent, but I don't know that they can beat a good team.
B: Florida State
6 LSU at 10 Auburn
H: LSU - this is a wildcard game, but I'll go with LSU
R: LSU in an ugly one
T: LSU - LSU wins the battle up front and takes a road win.
3 Georgia at Arizona State
H: Georgia - competitive, but UGA wins it
R: ASU - tough to win in a Pac 10 stadium
T: Georgia - ASU will make it closer than people think. They'll want to make up for losing to a crappy UNLV team.
B: Georgia
4 Florida at Tennessee
H: Florida - Gators pull away in the second half
R: Florida - big
T: Florida - Tennesse doesn't know how to run their new offensive scheme yet. Florida wins.
B: Florida

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Tecmo Super Bowl-The Greatest Game of All Time

I love video games. Passionately. In fact, I almost married Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas until I found out it had a problem with Crack-Cocaine. I have spent so much time playing video games that I probably could have learned Mandarin Chinese and Croatian with the time I spent playing games. Do I regret that? Malo (Croatian for a little). Video games are an awesome gift from above, like sweet manna for the children of Israel. For we were starving for fun, and the Lord gave us video games. Of all video games, I have a favorite. It really isn’t close, either. I speak of it reverentially, and have mentioned it in this space before: Tecmo Super Bowl.

I still play the game to this day, despite the fact that it is on 8-bit NES, and was released in 1991. You can have your Madden Football and your NCAA franchises with their "nice graphics" and "smooth gameplay," but as for me and my house, we will choose Tecmo. If you have never played the game, I highly recommend that you stop reading this right now, go to a used video game shop, buy the game and Nintendo console if you foolishly got rid of yours, and start playing immediately. In fact, I command you to do so.

I’m not going to come up with a list of why I love Tecmo or why it is better than any other game ever, because you would already know all of those things if you had played it, as you should have. (Again, if you haven’t GO NOW!!!!) Instead, I just want to give you some random thoughts from the game that may or may not get you remembering and paying tribute to this football institution. I know I plan on going home tonight and pulling the old controller out and beating the Patriots 84-0. (by the way, weren't things so much easier when you just had the A and B buttons to worry about?) Here goes:

Favorite Teams:
Chicago Bears-I love being da Bears not only because they are in fact my favorite team, but also because they are a powerhouse. I have won full games against human competition (vs.human is much different and harder than vs. computer) using only run plays to Neal Anderson. The defense is also dominant. I use Mark Carrier to keep the opposition from racking up the yardage. The passing game is non-existent, and Tecmo purists will argue that because of that Chicago is not an elite team, but I don’t care. I love being them.

Philadelphia Eagles-QB Eagles. What more do I need to say? I dominate with this team because I roll out, see where the defender is, and either pass it or run it with QB Eagles, who runs like the best of running backs. It’s the ultimate option offense for 1991 video games. Did you just call him Randall Cunningham? He's not on this game, son. The Eagles' Quarterback is named QB Eagles on Tecmo, just like QB Browns and QB Bills. On D, I use Eric Allen to pick off passes and stop the run. The "D" isn’t that good overall, but it is good enough combined with that offense.

5 favorite Players:
Bo Jackson-I have racked up over 900 yards in a single game with this guy because when he is in excellent condition, he cannot be stopped. I just zig and zag and the defense can only lower its digital head in shame. It's important that you don't let the defense tackle you in the end zone if possible because if you fumble the ball after a touchdown, you lose the stats, and no one wants to do that.
Christian Okoye-When the Nigerian Nightmare is in excellent condition his hitting power is so high that I will actually purposefully run at the defenders to watch them bounce off Okoye like bullets off Superman. When in excellent, he is my favorite player to play with, bar none.
QB Eagles-As described above, I cannot be stopped with QB Eagles. Many have tried and all have failed. I once went 8 games without an incompletion with QB Eagles in season mode (Anyone who has played this game knows that after week 8 the computer gets all hard to play against and you can’t run the ball as well).
Wade Wilson/Vinny Testaverde-Let me just say that I have never used the Vikings once. This is significant because I once made a goal to win the Super Bowl with every team on the game, but never could with the hated Vikings. My buddy Chase, however, loves the Vikes and when he plays against me, he inevitably makes a first down on a gritty QB sneak with Wilson and says “Wade Wilson is all full of piss and vinegar.” Also, my boy Cheeth will often be the Buccaneers and will make a first down rush with Vinny and will wax eloquent about “The heroic deeds of Vinny Testaverde.” How can you not love that? That's what's great about Tecmo: you can do the impossible, such as get a first down with Vinny Testaverde or win the Super Bowl with the Detroit Lions.
Warren Moon: I have played many a season with the Oilers, and have tried to have 80 catches with 5 receivers, but I doubt I ever did it. That is a lot of damn balls to complete in a game where the clock runs faster than real time. I love the run-and-shoot offense of the Oilers, and never hand the ball off, not even once if I play with them. Why would I? Lorenzo White is a fumbling machine.

Things I Hate:
People Using the 49'ers: Everyone knows it’s lame to be the 49’ers in a tournament, season or even a single game. You can just drop back and throw it to Jerry Rice and it doesn’t matter if he is quadruple covered, he will usually catch it. This is lame, and anyone who uses them extensively is lame as well.
Defensive Slide: We’ve all been there before, we are hiding just off the screen so that only the arrow can be seen, trying to dupe the opponent into thinking that we are covering the deep receiver. The opponent falls for it and decides to throw to the short man and we come screaming in to try and make the interception, only right at the last second the computer makes us dive, we miss the man completely, and he goes on to make a big play. This is usually followed with an explitive, such as shitballs. Aaaargh, defensive slide.
Nose Guard Slide: This is the evil cousin of the defensive slide. Someone figured out that if you are the Nose Guard on defense, you can side step the center, hit the dive button, and sack the Quarterback or ball carrier immediately. This is only used by the lamest of cheaters, who want to get punched in the face repeatedly and then possibly peed on while they are unconscious.

Just talking about Tecmo gets me juiced to play. I think what I’ll do is start a Tecmo season tonight, and keep a running log of what happens. I also ordered an NES to USB port Nintendo controller so that I can enter online leagues. I may even buy an Ipod like the one featured in this photograph. I didn't even know that existed until 15 seconds ago when I Googled it. Wow. That’s all for today. I may write more about this as things come to mind, or I may not. Please, comment on any thoughts you have on Tecmo.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

NBA Look-a-Likes, Part II

Let's be honest, this kind of post is like shooting ducks in a barrel. (I know the saying is fish in a barrel, but damn, shooting ducks in a barrel would be even easier due to their larger mass.) I mean, there are literally enough dudes here to make a part 3, 4, 5, and possibly 6. Unlike, T-bone, I am not going to limit myself to rappers/recording artists for my look-a-likes. I may not even stick to the NBA if I so choose. Let's get started, shall we?

Emeka Okafor and Taye Diggs: I hope that the next season for Okafor can be entitled: How Emeka got Her Groove Back, but I have my doubts about that happening. I wonder if these two have ever actually been seen in public together, or if they were sperated at birth.

Mike D'Antoni and Tom "Viper" Skerritt: You thought we were going to go with all black guys, didn't you? You racist. Now, I wrote Viper in there because you know you had no clue what this guy's name is. Coach D and Viper have a striking resemblance with the 'stache and facial structure don't they. I wonder if D'Antoni, er, Viper remembers any of his lines from Top Gun, the most latently homoerotic movie of all time. (2 words: Volleyball Scene)

Baron Davis and Kanye West: Like ducks in a barrel, I tell you. These two not only look like identical twins, they kind of have matching styles, and a flashiness that few have. I don't know how to judge rap, but they say that Kanye's raps are full of substance, unlike B-Diddy's hoops game, which is mostly hype and Antione Walker-esque. (by "they" I didn't mean white music critics, you racist!) As an aside, it didn't make the cut, but stick some hair on Antione Walker and who do you have? Theo Huxtable. Look it up.

Stan Van Gundy and Ron Jeremy: Both are well endowed. By that I mean they make a lot of money, pervert. These two are bonded because niether feels the shame of sporting an atrocious moustache. I heard that both have scored with literally thousands of women, and Stan Van Gundy didn't have to pay the women to be with him. That's what I heard. And by the way, I hope the Van Gundy parents didn't make any other children, because when Stan is the good looking son, you have some serious problems in the gene pool.

Reggie Miller and Quark: I had to Google dude's name, but this is some funny stuff. Reggie's feathery shooting touch was otherworldy, just like Quark. The comparisons are so deep. I don't know which Race Quark is from, or even which show, but maybe a Star Trek nerd could fill me and the rest of us in.

Manu Ginobili and Balki Bartokomous: This is the best one. Look at Balki getting that gold medal there on the left. He never would have dreamed as a child growing up on the small isle of Mypos that he would win Olympic Gold. And Manu, there on the right, he never could have imagined he would one day be on the Network Sitcom Perfect Stangers, with Cousin Larry. This one makes us at the Jockstrap so happy, we do the dance of joy. (You watch that video, or else.)

I could go to the well again, and do another few cheap posts, but instead, I'll just list other people and you can google them if interested. Bye.
Jaron/Jason Collins
Zydrunus Ilgauskus/Peter Stormare
Chucky Atkins/Kevin Eubanks
Robert Horry/Will Smith
Kyle Korver/Ashton Kucher
Roy Williams/Huckleberry Hound
Shaquille O'neal/Shrek
Ricky Davis/Andre 3000
Caron Butler/Pharrell Williams
Kenyon Martin/Method Man
Flip Saunders/Mel Gibson
Vince Carter/Tiki Barber
Michael Finley/Billy Ocean
Doug Collins/James Woods
Dwight Gooden/Denzel Washington.