Thursday, September 11, 2008

Why I Have a Man-crush on Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco

Wide receivers are the prima donnas of the NFL. Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Steve Smith, and my personal favorite, Chad Ocho Cinco. I've always thought Chad was hilarious, but when training camp began and he threw his little hissy fit this year I started to like him less. But then he goes and changes his name from Chad Johnson to Chad Ocho Cinco, and completely redeems himself. Chad Johnson is the man who created The List. The List was a list of all the defensive backs that managed to cover Chad Johnson over the course of the 2005 season. Of course, the list had no names on it. He called it Who Covered 85 in '05. 85 has some serious ingenuity. Here is a sample of the Ocho Cinco goodness:

So, in honor of my boy Chad (a five time Pro Bowler, by the way), here are my ten favorite Ocho Cinco moments.

10. Don't Fine Me Again!!!!! - Amid all the controversy of Chad Johnson and Joe Horn getting fined for premeditated touchdown celebrations in 2003, Johnson was getting a lot of flack for his antics. During a game against the 49ers Chad scored a touchdown. He walked over to a snowbank and pulled this out. The result was a $10,000 fine. Classic.

9. Hall of Fame 20?? - In the first Monday night game of 2007 the Bengals were playing the Ravens. Chad scored the game's first touchdown. He subsequently went and grabbed a jacket that said "Future H.o.F. 20??" on it. Chad is a first ballot hall of famer if you ask me.

8. The Putt/CPR - This celebration took place when Chad and Steve Smith seemed to be having a contest to see who could come up with the more creative end zone celebrations. Chad came up with the putt and giving the ball CPR. Smith changed the ball's diaper. All classic celebrations. Creativity points get a ten and two thumbs up.

7. The Riverdance - This celebration is tremendous. Puts Deion Sanders' end zone dance to shame

6. The Mohawk - After a poor start to the 2006 season, Chad decided to make some changes. He showed up for a game against the Chargers with a new blonde mohawk. He proceeded to go for 260 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns against San Diego. The next week, still with the amazing fashion statement, Johnson had 190 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Saints. Chad set the NFL record for receiving yards in a two game span with 450 yards. I loved it, especially because I had him on my fantasy team that year.

5. The Touchdown Shoes - Chad made himself a pair of "touchdown shoes." Johnson took a picture of each of his touchdown receptions (so far in the 2006 season) and sewed a portion of each of the pictures to his cleats. Seriously. The uniform police were on hand and they made him change before the game. Who comes up with ideas like sewing pictures of your touchdowns to your cleats? Ocho Cinco, son. That's who.

4. Ocho Cinco - The fact that this one is only #4 on the list shows just how amazing Chad Johnson really is. In October 2006, in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month, Chad announced that he would prefer to be called Ocho Cinco in honor of his uniform number. I don't know if Chad knew that "Ocho Cinco" means "eight-five" in Spanish rather than "eighty-five," but either way it is comedic genius. Instead of Taylor I would now prefer to be called "paquette grande ." On August 29, 2008, Chad Javon Johnson had his name legally changed to Chad Javon Ochocinco. This man's creativity is colossal.

3. The Horse Race - In 2007 Chad agreed to race a Thoroughbred horse. The horse had to run 200 meters while Chad had to run 100 meters. Of course my man Ocho Cinco won easily. You think a horse can light up Chad? Not a chance. After thoroughly dominating the steed, Chad bragged that he would give Floyd Mayweather the business in a boxing match. He went on to say that he'd like to play Kobe or LeBron in a one-on-one basketball game. My money is on Ocho Cinco in all of the aforementioned matchups.

2. Pre-Game Pepto - Before a 2004 game against the Cleveland Browns, Chad sent packages of Pepto Bismol to the Browns starting secondary. Each package of Pepto had an accompanying note that read, "Just wanted to add a little color and relief to your week. All the best, Chad." When asked why he sent Pepto to his opponents, Chad explained that he wanted to send them all Pepto because they must be sick with the thought of having to cover him. Johnson didn't exactly live up to the hype, catching 3 passes for 37 yards, but sending Pepto to anyone under any circumstances is awesome.

1. The Marriage Proposal - After scoring a touchdown, Chad "proposed" to a Cincinnati Ben-gals cheerleader. In classic one-upsmanship, Chad wrote "TO - I got you baby!" after the celebration. Notice the announcer's disgust when he reads what my man Chad wrote on the white board.

Chad Johnson's Proposal

You just can't beat Chad. The cheerleader who Chad "proposed" to has recently asked to be allowed to leave the Bengals so she can go to the Patriots. Chad wrote this on his blog: "I thought we were going to get married and have babies. I thought it was true love. I mean, people thought that was just another one of my celebrations, but that was for real. It was from the heart. Man, I'm heartbroken. The day I proposed to... whatever her name is, it was probably the happiest day of my life."
I hope you can get past this heartbreak and keep entertaining me Chad, because I love me some Ocho Cinco.

College picks for the week (Hank is killing it):
UCLA at 18 BYU
Hank: BYU by at least 3
Rob: BYU - close. BYU will destroy UCLA's secondary
Dyer: BYU - it's a no brainer
Taylor: BYU - My gut says UCLA, my head says BYU. BYU has a knack for winning close games
Boyd: UCLA
13 Kansas at 19 South Florida
H: Kansas by 10+
R: South Florida because they're at home
D: Kansas - USF's defense isn't impressive
T: Kansas - KU is overrated, but they have too much offense for USF
B: Kansas
16 Oregon at Purdue
H: Oregon by 2 TDs
R: Oregon by at least 14
D: Oregon rolls
T: Oregon wins handily
B: Oregon
10 Wisconsin at 21 Fresno State
H: Wisconsin - Bulldogs can't hang with 'em
R: Fresno State - Wisconsin is disgustingly overrated
D: Wisconsin - close
T: Wisconsin - just too physical. Fresno's win against Rutgers doesn't look so good since Rutgers lost at home by 32 last night.
B: Wisconsin
5 The Ohio State at 1 USC
R: USC by 10+. USC only loses to Pac-10 teams
T: USC - I've been touting The Ohio State since the beginning, partly because of Beanie Wells. If he plays and is healthy I like OSU. Since it looks like he isn't, I like SC.


Anonymous said...

ocho cinco is an idiot

Anonymous said...

That was a good read. Luved it.

Boyd said...

I don't think we should post Hank or Dyer's picks if they can't even leave comments or hype stories up on ballype. I mean, post rich's picks or jim's or g's. They at least participate. :)

Taylor said...

I'm down. We can punish their non-participation. Rich is a bad bad man.