Tuesday, September 23, 2008

He Hate Me - NBA Version 2.0

I was going to follow up Boyd's hating certain NBA players/teams with some love, but after thinking about it I just can't muster up the strength. There are far more players in the league that I dislike than I like. I get sick of these guys with their flopping, their bling, and their tats everywhere (not that I necessarily have a problem with any of those things in isolation - it's the combination that irritates me). So I took the easy route and decided to mooch off of Boyd's idea - here is a short-list of who I hate in the NBA. Some of you may have read my rationale for my love/hate relationship with Kobe Bryant, so he will mercifully be left off of this list. Just know that in reality he is on it.

Sasha Vujabic: Now keep in mind that this comes from a long-time Lakers fan. I hate Sasha. Is there a player in the league who makes less big plays yet thinks he's Kobe Bryant? Did you see him in the NBA Finals getting in Paul Pierce's ear? How did that work out for you, Vujabic? Oh, yeah, Paul won the Finals MVP and dropped 22, 6, and 5 per game. Sasha went for 8 per game, but that didn't stop him from pounding his chest every time he hit a shot. The best part of the series was when he hit a three and was so busy telling Ray Allen about it that he forgot to defend Pierce on the other end as The Truth calmly drained a three. Kobe then got in Sasha's ear and Vujabic looked like he just lost all of his teammate privileges with Kobe. It was beautiful.

DeShawn Stevenson: I've disliked DeShawn since he made his home here in Utah. DeShawn has always seemed to think he's 14 times better than he really is. LeBron stopper? No. DeShawn is so ridiculous that Jay-Z even made a diss song about him. Ok, that's actually pretty awesome, but I still don't like the guy, great facial hair notwithstanding. I must reminisce - my buddy and I went to the Rocky Mountain Revue the year after DeShawn had gotten in legal trouble for having coitus with a 14-year-old from Fresno. During the warmups DeShawn was putting on a ridiculous dunking exhibition. My boy Horse yells to DeShawn - "Hey Shawn, please stay away from my daughter's daycare." DeShawn promptly flipped him off and everyone in our section started yelling at Horse to leave their loveable Jazz hero alone. This seems to play into what Jim said in response to Boyd's list - Jazz fans are generally stupid.

Kenyon Martin: There are so many reasons to hate Kenyon. How about the fact that he has never played a full season in his NBA career? How about the way he always pulls his jersey to the side so we can see his nipple, er, his tattoo? Maybe it's the fact that his nickname is K-Mart. Seriously? K-Mart? I guess the K-Mart nickname fits - both claim to be better than they really are, both have graffiti-laced exteriors, and both appeal to a certain ghetto/trailer-trash audience.

Al Horford: Horford is going to be very good. The guy definitely has a bright future in the league. I actually liked him when he was at Florida, but he seems like a new man in the NBA. He has this new Kobe-like cocky demeanor that just rubs me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong - I actually love some good trash talk. Reggie Miller is one of my favorite players of all time because he could really jaw. But Horford just has this smugness about him that makes me want someone to crack his skull. Did you see him running his yap and trying to manhandle KG in the playoffs? Normally I'm down, but he looked like he was insulted to be on the same court as Garnett. Horford isn't worthy to wash KG's jockstrap, by the way. Although this has nothing to do with me disliking Horford, here's a good story having to do with Boyd. We went to see the Hawks last year at the Rocky Mountain Revue and Horford was injured and not playing. We didn't know what the story was, so in true PlayBoyd fashion, Boyd starts heckling Horford from about 25 rows back. Boyd yells that Horford needs to quit being a wuss and get in the game. Some guy about 10 rows down gets completely bent out of shape and turns and points at Boyd and yells, "you get out there with a bad ankle." The kid's face was bright red like he was ready to step into the octagon. Boyd ignored the kid and yelled at Horford some more, and it looked like the kid had a friend holding him back. The kid's lucky too - Boyd would have given him the business, Crane Kick style.

Pau Gasol: I just hate Pau. Having Pau, Kobe, and Sasha all on the Lakers makes me physically ill. I've been a Lakers fan my entire life, but I just can't cheer for these guys. I've been a Jazz hater my entire life, and because of that little threesome I found myself cheering for Utah in the playoffs this year. I watched Pau the entire playoffs and he has the same scripted reaction for every single play - if he scores, he's pissed off that he didn't get an And-1; if he doesn't score, he complains that he was fouled and he pouts the entire length of the court; if he gets an And-1 or makes an assist, he pounds his chest and screams like Tarzan. Plus, he's ugly as hell. I can't stand Pau. Give me Kwame Brown back - at least I can stand to look at him. And for all of you who read or commented on Boyd's classic rock-NBA post, Rush does suck.

Manu Ginobili: Manu might be my least favorite athlete of all time. I think I actually do hate Manu. Not in the fictional character sense, but I think I really have true disdain for this guy. He's such a piece of complete crap. I've never seen someone who flops as much as this guy (and I've watched Fisher and Divac throughout their Lakers careers, so I've seen floppers). And it doesn't help that Bill Walton gets a rager every time he does a Spurs game. Manu is so amazing! Manu is unbelievable! It gets old. You'd think that Ginobili ran into Shaq every time he goes down the lane. For a guy who is practically a contortionist, he sure seems to lose his balance easily when anyone is close to him. The most frustrating thing about Ginobili is that he is actually really freaking good. If he sucked, i.e., Vujabic, then it wouldn't be so frustrating to watch him. Not to mention his bald spot. I have provided a picture for your viewing pleasure.


Boyd said...

I love Manu. Someone should send him some of that Ron Popiel spray paint hair for his bald spot. That stuff was ridiculous.

Rush sucks.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everything you wrote - Pau and Sasha suck, Rush sucks, Martin is a bitch, Manu sucks and is bald. I agree 100%.

Ryan said...

Don't mess with the Machine!!!