Friday, July 4, 2008

The Ugliest Players in the League - NBA version

There are some ugly cats in the NBA. Seeing Pau Gasol in the NBA Finals compelled several discussions about the good, the bad, and the ugly between me and some friends, so (of course) I decided I better make a list of the best of the worst. As I was putting together this list of the ugliest NBA players I thought of several ways to do it: Ugliest at each position, a general top 10, etc. My wife has a theory that the taller you are, the uglier you are likely to be. Based on this theory I decided on a general list of six in order to not limit the talent pool. This list is in no particular order; also included are some who just barely missed the cut. If I left any deserving players off the list, please feel free to correct me.



Sam Cassell - My goodness. Has a more strange looking player ever graced an NBA court? This
guy is a cross between predator and an alien. Maybe he looks like Gollum. His skull looks like it could burst at any moment or like something might emerge out of it. Looking at Cassell kind of reminds me of Mortal Kombat and doing a fatality - Cassell looks like his cranium could spontaneously combust at any moment. Plus his teeth are huge. And yellow. Oh, and you could fit a roll of quarters in each one of his nostrils. It's just down right disturbing.






Robert Swift
- Maybe you don't know who he is because he never seems to get playing time and he plays for a team that sucks. But you should know him because he is tremendous looking. From the amazing chin carpet to the pony-tail/hair curtain in the back, he is an Adonis among men. Keep in mind that he is still young and has the potential to actually become more hideous with time.











Hedo Turkoglu - I remember watching a game back in the day when Hedo was in Sacramento and the Kings were actually good. Danny Ainge was doing commentary and after they showed a close-up of Hedo, Ainge said: "Wow! Look at the beak on that guy!" He and the other announcers were laughing so hard they couldn't even talk. Hedo looks like he is on some type of sedative at all times. I realize that when you play ball you exert yourself and breathe harder than normal (i.e., with your mouth open), but Hedo sits there with his yap open at all times - when he's warming up, on the sidelines, during interviews. Someone needs to find a way to install a chinstrap for this guy.





Pau Gasol - If his curly hair and bad beard weren't enough, the fact that I absolutely can't stand him is. Every time he gets the ball one of three things happens: he scores and gets an And-1, causing him to pound his chest like a maniac; he scores and complains to the refs the whole way down the court that it should have been an And-1; or he doesn't score and he pisses and whines like a baby. It gets old. The fact that he is so ugly only makes it worse. Oh, and in this years NBA Finals he added a fourth option to his post repertoire: getting owned by KG. And getting owned by KG's facial hair.


Scot Pollard - I know Boyd said Baron Davis has the best beard in the NBA, but I might give my vote to Pollard. He can even rock whatever that is on his chin in this picture. That is amazing stuff, especially in combination with a blonde Mohawk. He also has some impressive mutton chops (at times). You never know what you'll get from Pollard. The guy is insane, by the way. He always paints his fingernails black and, for a while, he drove a VW bus that was spray painted with graffiti even though he was pulling in an NBA paycheck. Best of all, he looked into the camera during a 20-second timeout during a game last year and said: "Hey kids - do drugs." Wow. Thanks Scot. That's hilarious. That might be his best contribution to the NBA other than the beard. And the chops.


Chris Kaman - WOW. This picture says it all. WOW.










Coach - Stan Van Gundy - Van Gundy makes this list based solely on his resemblance to Ron Jeremy. The fact that both have apparently been very successful in their respective professions is interesting, considering that their looks should hinder them greatly. Not to say that an NBA coach needs to be good looking, but no one wants to play for an ugly coach.

Honorable Mention - Trent Plaisted (he makes the list without having played an NBA game - impressive), Andrew Bogut, Steve Nash (due mostly to his stupid haircut), Dirk Nowitski, Dikembe Mutombo and Andrei Kirilienko a.k.a. Ivan Drago.

13 comments:

JPDNBA said...

This made me laugh. Also check out my blog. jpsnbablog.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

I don't even know who Robert Swift is, but you're right that he's ugly as hell.

Anonymous said...

Good list, but Greg Oden should be on there. He looks like he's 60 and he has bad teeth. Otherwise, I like it.

James said...

calvin booth

Adam said...

i checked yahoo! answers, and no one said Joakim Noah.

Anonymous said...

I started laughing the moment I opened this post. Good job Taylor!

Anonymous said...

Frickin' great. I looked up Trent Plaisted because I had never seen him before and he deserves to get his picture on that list.

Anonymous said...

great list haha
i think michael ruffin from the bucks should be on there too, and popovich from the spurs as the uglist coach.

Anonymous said...

Greg Oden? Adonle Foyle?

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha
i dont think hedo is that ugly..
but
you def. need to add S. Marion to the list...
freaking gorilla or something -.-

CD said...

what about---

Charlie Villanueva and Josh Boone?

Ryan said...

Michael Ruffin dudes!!

Andy said...

you forgot to add jamal mashburn... i think he deserves to be on the list.