Friday, January 2, 2009

New Year's Resolutions

Every year at this time people all over the world decide to put their collective foot down and make some changes in their sad lives.  The New Year's Resolution is something to which each of us have fallen victim over the years.  I myself have purchased the Torso Tiger, the Ab Roller, the Torso Tornado, and that one ab thingy that you attach to your abs and turn on the electricity and it makes your abs contract while you watch TV and eat nachos, which by the way did NOT work (that Bruce Lee was full of shit, man).  How many of us have made the resolution to lose 20 or 30 pounds only to reach the end of the next year with an extra 10 pounds to add to our goal?  A wise man once defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results, so why do we put ourselves through this nonsense year after year?  I suppose we all need a little hope in our lives, even if most of the time it is a fool's hope.

What follows is a list of New Year's Resolutions, some of my own and some that certain sport's franchises/figures need, to not only make but accomplish if we are to make 2009 a better year the 2008.

1.  I resolve to not get so damned angry with my teams -- Over the last few years I have gone in to many sports season's with high hopes.  The Mets fresh off of signing Carlos Beltran and Carlos Delgado looked poised to win the NL East and maybe even the World Series.  Then came the catastrophic collapse of two years ago.  All is well, they'll just sign the best free agent pitcher of the off season in Johan Santana and World Series here we come.  Not so fast Mets' fan as another late season collapse left them inches from the playoffs (damn you Aaron Heilman).  My anger at these unfortunate events was so intense that I almost had a couple of strokes.  My wife tells me it's just a game and that makes me even more irate, but in the end she is correct.  I need to take it down a notch when the Celtics lose three out of four on a west coast road trip, and realize that three games do not a season make or else I'm going to pop a blood vessel in my brain.

2.  Jazz Fan needs to resolve to calm down and get in touch with reality -- Yes Carlos Boozer is a candy ass and yes he is going to get hurt a lot and stay out longer than most players will with the same injuries.  You have to realize that Booz is all about the Benjamins (ask Cleveland Fan) so he is not going to play unless he is 100%, period.  You also have to realize that when he is healthy he is one of the best power forwards in the NBA.  You can count on him for 20 and 10 night in and night out and as good as Paul Millsap has been he is still a couple of years away from Boozer's production level.  You had better hope that Larry H. Miller decides to loosen his wallet strings and resigns both Booz and Millsap (and Okur, but probably not) instead of letting Boozer take his game and his injuries to the Heat in the off season.

3.  Brett Favre needs to resolve to retire, for real this time -- Brett, come on man look at your interceptions, look at your quaterback rating, look at your gray hair and beard set, look at your helmet for hell's sake you play for the Jets, the Jets!  Can't you hear the people of Greenbay crying?  Can't you hear the people of the Earth yearning to hear other stories on SportsCenter than your tragic tale?  Please Brett just let it go.  Let it go like you do when you see your outside receiver open in a small window downfield even if the Defense is in a cover two and the Strong Safety is clearly cheating to that side, just begging you to do it.  Let it go, Brett.  Please!

4.  Yankees please resolve to die.  That's it, just roll over and die.  (Lakers, too) Please.

5.  I resolve to stop watching late night info-mercials and buying things -- No more ab machines, no more pull-up bars, no more perfect push-ups, nada.  I'm done thinking that I can make boatloads of money placing tiny classified ads in the newspaper.  I don't need a knife that can cut through a hammer and then slice a tomato with surgical precision (even though I bought a set of these knives and gave them to Boyd for his wedding and  he has been nothing but happy with their performance).  I resolve to ignore Ron Popeil and Billy Mays no matter how convincing their arguments.  I just hope that Danny Ainge isn't up late at night when a "Sign Stephon Marbury, he's not a locker room cancer" info-mercial comes on.  Turn off the TV and back away from the phone, Danny.  Trust me, no matter how good these late night wares seem, you're just setting yourself up for a world of disappointment and shame.

Feel free to add your own New Year's Resolutions or don't, whatever. 


Aimee said...

What about the SHAMWOW? Or MIGHTY MEND IT? Please buy these products and let me know if they work as well as they seem to on TV. I don't want to waste my money if they don't work.

Emily Hyte said...

Okay, so I don't know if you will read comments or not but I think a collective blog is a very funny idea. Never seen it done this way and I think it's, well, interesting. Will check back for further rantings...