Wednesday, October 15, 2008

My Least Favorite Things

I’m more than a little pissed off about the Dodgers laying down against the Phillies, so today I'm doing something cathartic. I was over at a neighbor’s house the other day and their children were watching The Sound of Music. In honor of that movie, here is a list of My Least Favorite Things. Boyd sang a little jingle when I told him about this list, so please, imagine his lovely voice singing “These are a few of my least favorite things” in the vein of The Sound of Music. I personally guarantee that it will make this read more enjoyable.

A Philadelphia - Tampa Bay World Series. I would rather shave my head with a cheese grater than watch these two teams in the fall classic. What an absolute sack of crap.

Tyler Hansbrough. This guy plays basketball like he is on a crack/heroine cocktail. Even though he could kick the tar out of me, I’d try to fight him if I ever saw him. That would be a stupid decision, but I’ve never claimed to not be an idiot.

Overly excited announcers. I get so sick of the announcers that get all excited about a field goal in the first quarter or a three pointer to tie a game at 14. It’s the first freaking quarter! Quit getting all giddy like a virgin on your wedding night.

Manu Ginobili. Quit flopping, sack up, and play ball like a man. He’s even worse than Vujabic.

That Latrell Sprewell is no longer in the NBA. Anyone with Sprewell’s track record should be in the league for entertainment value if nothing else. Anyone who chokes his coach and complains that $7 million a year is an insult because he's "got a family to feed" needs to be in the league.

Car racing. This isn’t even a sport, so it doesn’t really deserve mention on this site. It is one of my least favorite things, so it gets a spot. I love that they try to make it like hockey and glorify the upset drivers going and punching each other after a race. We see that every day on the road anyway, so why pay for it? I just hope other sports don’t start following the Nascar trend by deciding to put every logo and sponsor on their uniforms. Any sport where girls can compete at the same level as guys has to suck.

Local radio shows. Is there a local radio show anywhere that doesn’t blow? Please let me know, because I can personally verify that all the shows here are worthless. We have Monson and Graham, the Manly Morning Show, David Locke, etc. They all suck. PlayBoyd and I could do a better show than any of them, guaranteed. And please don’t get on the comments section and tell me that it’s harder than I would think. It’s not. Boyd and I can have sports conversations that are entertaining for hours. And you would all love it.

People who think LeBron is better than Kobe. I know there are a lot of you out there, including Boyd, but LBJ is not as good as Kobe. He’s a better athlete, but he’s not a better basketball player. Boyd will get on here and talk about PER or some other stat that shows how great LeBron is - and he is great - but Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than King James. He’s also a better A-hole.

Any college football team in the state of Florida. This includes UCF and USF. Miami’s players are a bunch of thugs and pedophiles.

Curt Schilling. Will he ever shut the hell up? One can only hope... This guy reminds me of a certain quarterback I have grown to loathe that can’t handle not being in the spotlight.

Brett Farve. Save the spelling comments, retard. I just want Brett to go spend his time pimping Wrangler and riding his John Deere instead of on my television.

Will Ferrell. I’m calling this sports related because of some sports movies he has made. Ferrell is the most overrated comedy actor on the planet. Can he even make one movie without stripping down to his drawers? Apparently other people find it funny, so I assume the answer is no. I’m not the only one who thinks Will blows.

The “if” argument. I get so sick of delusional fans who say, “if Wazzou plays great defense and gets 6 turnovers, I think they might have a chance to beat USC” or “if the outside shot is falling the Knicks could beat the Celtics in a seven game series.” We always hear these idiots on the radio shows when they call in and argue with the host. Enough. In the words of the Pimp in the Box, "if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle." If just doesn’t matter...

Ballers and tattoos. Pretty much every superstar in the NBA is tatted up. Allen Iverson looks like a subway in Harlem with all his graffiti.

Shaq getting old. Watching Shaq dominate in the post by dropping an elbow or a forearm shiver on smaller defenders has been one of the joys of my sports upbringing. The fact that he is getting old and can’t do those things as well anymore is tough for me. At least he breaks out the occasional Shaq sprint down the court to keep me happy.

The Denver Nuggets road uniforms. That shiny light blue is just gay, pure and simple.

Those elbow bands that all football players wear. Do they serve a purpose other than to show off your swell? As far as I know, the entire purpose of these Ulimate Warrior ribbons is to pinch your arms to make you look buff. That just irritates me. On the other hand, I love a good tinted visor.

The chest pound. Pau Gasol is the worst when it comes to this. I wonder, is it possible for a white guy to actually come off as tough when doing this? The next guy on this list could pull it off.

Chuck Norris. Okay, I lied - Chuck Norris shouldn't be on this list. Chuck Norris rules. Did you know that 94% of the women in the USA lose their virginity to Chuck Norris? The other 6% are fat and ugly.

You want to [insert idea/term here]? This is not sports related but it deserves mention. I can’t stand when someone asks you if you want to do something that you obviously don’t want to do. My wife will ask, “do you want to help me clean up the front room?” I’ll respond with, “not particularly.” That never goes well. The cycle repeats itself and I always end up in trouble. My question of, “you want to have sex” never seems to get the response I’m looking for either.

People who think Lance Armstrong is the greatest athlete alive. Get the hell out of here, Lance is not even close to the greatest athlete on the planet. I would honestly have a hard time putting him in my top 50. Riding a bike really far and for a long time does not make you an athlete. It just means you’re good at exercise.

NBA ticket prices. I have to take out a freaking student loan just to go to a game. Pisses me off.

Sweat bands. Now, I don’t dislike sweat bands when you’re actually playing ball and using them for a purpose, but if you’re wearing one that matches your little outfit as a fashion statement, then I hate you. You look like a Jack A with your Hurley sweat band and your Polo shirt with the collar popped.

The spelling bee, poker, and bowling being shown on ESPN.

Quarterbacks that unbutton their chin strap on every play. I mostly hate this because Brett Farve does it, as well as all his proteges, specifically Aaron Rogers and Matt Hasselback. Just strap up fellas.

The WNBA. Enough already.

Fans who go to the game sober and leave with a .30+ blood alcohol level. Get drunk at home.

How many timeouts are called at the end of a close NBA game. This usually seems to happen when I need to put one of the kids to bed. I’ll tell my wife it’ll be just a minute because there are only 42 seconds left and ten minutes later my kid is screaming up something fierce.

Athletes with 7 kids from 6 different women. I know Calvin Murphy and Shawn Kemp are relatively prolific in the illegitimate child category, so I’ll go ahead and pimp those guys here. By the way, how did Wilt Chamberlain not father more children than Brigham Young?

It’s getting late and I’m just getting myself more and more fired up with this, so I’m going to end here. I hope the Phillies get in a plane crash and the Dodgers, as NL runner-up, can take their place in the World Series. And no, I won't feel bad if that actually happens. What the hell is a Phillie anyway?


Rich said...

Blaspheme on Will Ferrell. Don't be hatin' on William, his body demands to be seen by all.

Celine Dion pounds her chest so all you athletes that do that, Pau the cave- man Gasol, you are a pussy for following a horrible Canadian chick singer.

"Do you want to?" My response is "do I want to? no." "Will I? probably not but thanks for asking"

Che said...

When I first read this article, I found it slightly ho-hum, but then I re-read it with the voice inside my head being played by my 93-year-old grandma, Nellie May, and it all made sense. "I don't like these basketball players with their tattoos", "Will Ferrell taking off his clothes . . . gad, is that what young people find funny these day?", "Why does it take so long for the game to be over when I'm trying to go to bed?" Good hell, Troy, how old are you . . . 87? Next thing you'll be writing an article about how you pulled up half a bucket of weeds and giving me a stale, 3 week old cookie you won in a game of Bingo at the Senior Citizens Center. My point is that gripe lists make you sound old, now I've got to go, eat a half a slice of wheat toast, and take out my dentures before Matlock comes on.

- Cripes! I've messed myself!

whitney said...

Agree about the elbow bands. They make me squirm. Stoppage of blood flow, never good.

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