The Best Nicknames in Sports

So, PlayBoyd is a bit of a comparison slut. I’m good with that – I’d actually send some compensation his direction if I could. I, on the other hand, compromise my integrity in the form of lists. I make lists of everything and can pull out a top ten list of just about anything pretty quickly. The list might suck, but I'll attempt it anyway. Speaking of PlayBoyd, I love a good nickname. Sports has always been great for nicknames, but there are too many lackluster nicknames out there right now. We don’t even bother to be creative anymore: A-Rod, K-Rod, KG, LT, TO, T-Mac. I know Chris Berman (love him or hate him) is a big proponent of the nickname, and he attempts to be clever, but we need more forerunners in coming up with some good ones. So, it’s list time. I offer up the Ten Best Nicknames in Sports. “Best” is defined by one thing: what I feel deserves mention, and this list is not confined to current sports stars. That said, I’m sure I missed some, so please feel free to add to the list.


10. The Nigerian Nightmare
Anyone who has played Tecmo Super Bowl knows all about Chrisian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare. Boyd, in recognizing the dominance that is Okoye, wrote this: “I will actually purposefully run at the defenders to watch them bounce off Okoye like bullets off Superman.” The nickname is just top notch.


9. Vanilla Sky
Joe Alexander, recently drafted by the Milwaukee Bucks, has been dubbed Vanilla Sky because of his leaping ability (or as my boy Stuart Scott would say, his mad ups) and his vast Whiteness, both of which are very impressive. I hope Alexander makes it in this league just for this nickname.


8. The Mailman
This is actually one of the worst nicknames of all time. I just put it on this list so that I could point that out. I grew up around Jazz fans who thought that this nickname was the shiz, but it isn’t. It’s stupid. A bunch of my friends looked at Karl Malone as their hero. Malone was a great player, but he was no hero. To quote Stephen King: "Any fool with fast hands can grab a tiger by the balls, but it takes a hero to keep squeezing." Malone would never keep squeezing - he would let the boys slip out of his grasp just when it got important. I can’t believe The Mailman stuck. The Jazz have had some great nicknames in the past – The Pasty Gangster (Stockton), Horny (Hornacek), and AK-47 (Kirilenko) – but The Mailman just isn’t one of them. Plus his hand behind the head dunk was gay. I commend Jim for making fun of it when he gets the chance. Well done.


7. The Refrigerator
At one point William Perry was pushing 4 bills. What better nickname for a fat guy than the refrigerator? I’m sure someone can come up with one, but I can’t. Mike Ditka putting Perry in the backfield was just pure genius. Who could have tackled the Fridge? But after seeing Manute Bol kick Perry’s ace in a celebrity boxing match, I’m guessing he may not be as difficult to bring down as I originally thought. As a side note, why does the word fridge have a d in it but refrigerator doesn’t? Just curious…


6. He Hate Me
The only memorable thing to come out of the XFL is Rod Smark, aka, He Hate Me. Who else has made such an impact just because of a nickname? Smart never really did anything special, but almost everyone knows who he is just because of the nickname. Mark Cuban spun the nickname into He Fine Me because of the gross sums of money Cuban was required to pay the NBA due to fines.


5. The Truth
There really isn’t much to say about this nickname other than it is awesome. Paul Pierce is the truth. Anyone who has been stabbed 11 times and appeared in a 504 Boyz music video must be the truth. Plus the nickname was given to him by the Shaq Diesel. On March 13, 2001, the Lakers beat the Celtics 112-107 and Pierce dropped 42 in the game. After the game, Shaq pulled a Boston reporter aside and said: "Take this down. My name is Shaquille O'Neal, and Paul Pierce is the motherf***ing truth. Quote me on that, and don't take nothing out. I knew he could play, but I didn't know he could play like this. Paul Pierce is the truth." When the Diesel says that about someone, how can we doubt?


4. Agent Zero/Hibachi
Gilbert Arenas might be the most awesome player in the NBA. He has generally been known as Agent Zero, but Arenas has begun to yell out “hibachi” in games when he gets hot (fyi, hibachi translates to “bowl of fire” and is a reference to the Japanese grill). After hitting a game-winning three against the Bucks in 2007, Arenas was asked if he yelled out hibachi. He replied, that he didn’t, but “my swag was phenomenal.” Classic. Arenas has been quoted as saying that he would hang 84 or 85 on Duke if he could play against Shishefski’s team. Agent Zero has admitted to occasionally playing video poker at halftime of games. Arenas even told Esquire magazine that while on a team road trip, he bought a Colon Cleanser off of an infomercial while the rest of the team was out on a team outing. You can’t make this stuff up. Arenas is a well of greatness that, I can only hope, will never dry up.


3. The Human Victory Cigar
The shame of Darko Milicic may never end. Darko was given this nickname when playing for Larry Brown in Detroit. Because he was often the last man off the bench and only got playing time when the Pistons had an insurmountable lead, Darko became known as the Human Victory Cigar. Whoever came up with that is brilliant.


2. Basketball Jesus
Larry Bird was more commonly known as Larry Legend or The Hick From French Lick, but he was coined Basketball Jesus by one of his apostles, ESPN’s Bob Simmons. Growing up as a Lakers fan made it tough for me to like Bird, but learning of his storied trash-talking has vaulted him to one of my favorite players of all time. Some brief examples of why Bird is Basketball Jesus: Late in a game against the Sonics, Bird pointed at a spot on the floor and told Xavier McDaniel that he would hit the game winning shot from that spot. Larry did just that. Before a Celtics-Pacers game on Christmas Day, Basketball Jesus told Chuck Person that he had a Christmas present for him. When Chuck was on the pine running his mouth at Larry, Bird got the ball right in front of the Indiana bench. Larry shot the ball and as soon as the ball was out of his hands, he turned around and said, “Merry F***ing Christmas, Chuck.” The shot swished. Cussing aside, only a Basketball Jesus could pull off such miracles.


1. The Big Unit
This gets the number one spot on my list not just because of its phallic nature, but because it fits Randy. Who else could be called The Big Unit but a man who pushes seven feet, is supremely ugly, and rocks a bad mullet/hair curtain. The Big Unit is my favorite nickname of all time, bar none.