Thursday, December 18, 2008

Five Things

I've put a lot of thought into this week's post and struggled greatly with its content.  I am a fairly opinionated person.  I also like to talk (my father says I talk because I like to hear the sound of my own voice, and he's probably right).  Because of my talkative nature and my never ending opinions I tend to push people to opposite ends of the "What I Think About Jim Scale".  Some people like me and some people hate me, there aren't very many people in between.  For the record, either way is fine with me.  So with this in mind I forge ahead with a list of five things that I know, along with five things that I think I know.  Some may delight, some may offend, but such is the plight of this well intended author.  Dear reader, enjoy.

1.  I know I love sports and I think I know why.  Because of my choice of sports franchises I have suffered much over the years.  Listen to this, Peter Tom Willis, Will Furrer, Steve Stenstrom, Moses Moreno, and Henry Burris.  Ever heard of any of these guys?  Well neither have I, but apparently they are all quarterbacks who have started games for my beloved Chicago Bears within the last 15 years.  Go figure.  (By the way, the list of guys I have heard of isn't that much more impressive than these five douches).  I've suffered through Eric Montross, Mark Blount, and Milt Palacios. 
Somebody please save me from the likes of a washed up Bobby Bonilla, an overrated Victor Zambrano, and a trade that got the Mets Jim Fergosi and sent away Nolan freakin' Ryan.  I should totally hate sports, but instead I know that I love them so much.  Why?  I think I know.  Sports are unpredictable and for that reason we love them.  For every heavily favored Yankee team that didn't make it to the World Series there is a 2008 Tampa Bay Rays team that overachieves and thrills us.  On any given night virtually unknown NC State can beat the unbeatable Phi Slamma Jamma.  I can still see Dikembe Mutombo clutching the ball to his chest as his #8 seeded Denver Nuggets beat the #1 seed Seattle Supersonics, the first time such a thing had ever happened, ever.  I love sports because at the start of every season a true fan has new hope, a fool's hope most of the time, but hope nonetheless.  I love sports because Ryan Gomes, Al Jefferson, Gerald Green , Theo Ratliff, Sebastian Telfair, two first round draft picks, and cash considerations can turn into Kevin Garnett and Celtic Pride can rise reborn like a Phoenix from the ashes.

2.  I know the Germans love David Hasselhoff and I think I know why.  Check this out.


I mean come on, wiener dogs, baby angels holding hands, and the Hoff flying over a speeding motorcycle.  That shit's solid gold.  Danke shoen, Deutschland!  Danke Shoen.

3.  I know if you argue with an old timer about who the greatest athlete is in any given sport he is not going to say LeBron James, Peyton Manning, or Alex Rodriguez.  In his mind there is no way in hell Mike Tyson could have ever beaten Muhammad Ali, or Cassius Clay for that matter.  Put away your Joe Montana posters and lock up any thoughts you might have of anointing Dan Marino the greatest quarterback ever because everyone can just line up behind Johnny Unitas and Broadway Joe Namath and it don't matter what order you put 'em in after that, period.  Ted Williams would hit .500 in today's MLB and every game Bob Gibson pitched would be a no-hitter with the good-for-nothin' pansies teams run up to the plate now a days.  They don't want to hear about Shaquille O'Neal.  Shaq couldn't hold Bill Russell's jockstrap (oh wait, I agree with that one so if that makes me an old timer then pull my lower lip up to the bottom of my nose and hoist my pants up to my armpits because Russell is the beginning and end.  Shuffleboard anyone?).  I think I can explain this one too.  These athletes got these people through some rough times.  Sports were an escape from Wars, the Depression, and Presidential assassinations.  The heroes of these games provided unadulterated happiness and celebration during times when such things were rare.  Did they put these athletes up on a pedestal and ignore their shortcomings?  Hell yes they did, and why not?  Could most of the athletes of yesteryear compete with the monsters that roam the courts and fields today?  Probably not.  Are athletes getting bigger, faster, and stronger?  Yes.  But some of them would still be able to play in today's sports world.  A great athlete then would be a great athlete now.  Greatness, I think, transcends space and time.

4.  I know 80s music mostly sucks, but I love it anyway.  I think people can't help but love the things they grew up with (unless you grew up with a mean drunk father who lifted you by the short hairs on the back of your neck and kicked you in the ass all the way down the street for all your friends to see.  I can't speak from experience on this one as my father is a wonderful man and hero to me, but I'm sure if something like that happened to you when you were a kid it would have sucked pretty bad and definitely would have left you leaning toward NOT loving the things you grew up with, but I digress).  I know the lyrics suck and the guitar solos are lame and the hair and make-up for the women and men could not have been worse, but if I hear me some Def Leppard I get so pumped I just want to skateboard, play one-armed air drums, or lift weights, or something.  I know they only liked boys, but when I hear Erasure sing I can't help but think that together we will break these chains of love.  I know it was bad, but it was my bad and I loved it.  I love it still.

5.  I know I hate the Los Angeles Lakers with an undying hatred, and I think I know that I couldn't loath them anymore than I already do.

So that's it.  Five things that I know and five that I think I know.  Feel free to let me know what you think of the things that I know and what you think of the things that I think that I know.  Whoa!  Also, let me know about the things you know and the things you think you know.  Who knows, maybe some of the things that you know will be the same things that I know and maybe some of the things that you think you know will be the same things that I think I know.  Possibly so. 


Che said...

I know I agree with you on #5. Lakers suck! Wooooooo!! And I think after that last sentence you're full name might be Dr. Jim Seuss.

Stay sweet -

Phil said...

All that shit about people not liking you is in your damn head. I haven't heard of anyone not liking you. Well except for that mexican kid who elbowed you in the face while playing basketball. But that was basketball, and besides no one liked him anyway

Aimee said...

Jim, don't be a hater. You know you are just jealous that LA has won so much over the years and that your sad little Celtics haven't. Don't be bitter. Try and be objective and see that LA has a better team than yours and they probably always will.

Jim said...

Dearest Aimee,

The Celtics have the most championships in the history of the NBA, including last year where they beat the Lakers "the better team", so you will just have to try and be objective and look at the scoreboard.

Lovin' ya'