Monday, December 8, 2008

The Most Asinine Injuries In Sports

In the last few months there have been some interesting off the field injuries in sports. Derrick Rose just cut himself by laying down on a knife that he had just used to slice an apple. Plaxico Burress shot himself (Plaxico is an amazing name by the way. I’m assuming he was born with fetal drug addiction, for obvious reasons). Monta Ellis injured himself while riding a moped. I remember a few years back when Jeff Kent told the Giants he broke his wrist when he fell out of his truck while washing it. Come to find out he likely broke it while riding a motorcycle. Roethlisburger anyone? The point is, there have been some tremendously asinine injuries in sports, on and off the field/court. Here are some of the best, in the form of a top ten list. There are many good ones that will not make the cut, so please feel free to comment on what I missed…

10. Adam Eaton
Eaton was so excited to watch his new DVD that he got out his trusty paring knife and began to cut open the packaging. He also began to cut open his stomach. While he was slicing the security tape he slipped and gouged himself in the stomach. He ended up in the ER for stitches. As a side note, thousands of people end up in the emergency room each year from hand injuries sustained while cutting bagels. We attempt to educate here at the Strap. Enjoy that one.

9. Alex Stepney
I had to look this one up, but it was worth it. Stepney, a goalie for Manchester United, was screaming at his defensemen to play harder. Stepney yelled so hard that he dislocated what is apparently a glass jaw.

8. Glenallen Hill
This one sounds made up, but it's true. I did the research. Glenallen suffers from arachnophobia. One night he fell asleep and had a dream about giant spiders. Startled, he jumped up out of bed and took off, hitting and breaking a glass table, and then falling down the stairs. He apparently had shards of glass stuck in him everywhere and was placed on the 15-day DL. In the spirit of full disclosure, I once had a similar experience while playing hoops in the front yard of my parent’s house. A loose ball was headed for the garage and I dove to save it. I happened to land on the back window of a car; it shattered and I ended up sitting in glass while everyone cracked up laughing. FYI, the shower I later took was extremely painful.

7. Jaromir Jagr
I’m not much of a hockey guy, but I know that Jagr was good. He also had a stellar mullet that has been discussed in past posts. Well, apparently Jagr was a tough guy too. Toward the end of a playoff loss Jagr was getting pretty fired up and he decided he was going to punch one of the New Jersey Devils. Jagr threw a big roundhouse left and got nothing but air. The miss also dislocated his shoulder. If this happened more frequently I would probably have more interest in hockey.

6. Marty Cordova
First off, any man who goes tanning is a wuss. Period. Men don’t lay out and they don’t hit the tanning bed to lay under the sun lamp. Well, apparently Marty Cordova deserves to have his genitals revoked. He once fell asleep in a tanning bed and burned so badly that he was ordered by doctors to stay out of the sun. Pretty soon he’ll be complaining to his teammates when they leave the toilet seat up.

5. George Brett
This isn’t really an injury, but I had to add this for obvious reasons. During the 1980 World Series, George Brett was battling more than just the Philadelphia Phillies. He was also up against a severe bout of hemorrhoids. Brett later commented the he would be remembered more for having 'roids during the World Series if it weren't for his exploding and attempting to murder an umpire over having pine tar on his bat.

4. Kevin Johnson
KJ will go down in history (for me) as having one of the best dunks of all-time. KJ has battled accusations of fondling 16-year-old girls to become the current mayor of Sacramento. As a reward for hitting a game-winning shot for the Suns, Johnson was given a big bear hug by the best analyst in sports, Charles Barkley. Chuck is a big son of a b, and he squeezed Johnson so hard that he dislocated his shoulder. As is true with Boyd, let there be no question about the awesomeness of Charles Barkley. Sometimes I wish he’d give Kenny Smith a bear hug…

3. Lionel Simmons
Lionel Simmons was a great college basketball player. I actually remember watching him play for LaSalle back when everyone wore a flat-top fade, big Karl Malone wrist bands, and Crocodile Hunter shorts. He could light it up. Simmons was just beginning to come into his own in the NBA when he had to sit out two games with wrist tendinitis. He sustained this injury from his rigorous playing of a Gameboy. Gameboys sucked, even back in the day. I can’t believe he admitted this injury—at least make up something better. Even Ray Barone claimed that his severe wrist injury occurred because he and his wife were getting frisky and they fell out of bed. Instead, Simmons admits to his being from playing Gameboy…

2. Bill Gramatica
It is really hard for me to not put this at #1. I absolutely cannot find video of this thing anywhere on the net. If you know where to find this, please let me know. It is essential. Anyhow, Gramatica kicked a field goal in the first quarter of a regular season game to put his team up 3-0. He decided to act like he just pulled a Vinatieri and won the Super Bowl or something—he starts pumping his fist and jumps in the air to celebrate… and promptly tore his ACL. Even with all his injuries, Greg Oden thinks that’s funny.

1. Gus Frerotte
Frerotte was taken off the field Sunday against the Lions for an injury, but at least he didn’t do it to himself. Back when he played (occasionally) for the Redskins, Gus ran one yard for the go-ahead touchdown and celebrated by spiking the football and slamming his head into a padded wall. While his celebration was not as creative as what TO, Ocho Cinco, or Steve Smith have come up with, the ramifications were tremendous. The wall was concrete with a thin padded covering. Gus immediately got dizzy and was taken to the hospital for treatment. Frerotte had to miss the second half and overtime. He ended up with a sprained neck for his efforts. To add insult to injury, Gus broke his hip in the following game.

So there you have it – feel free to add to the list or let me know what I did wrong. One of my friends just pointed out that I should have had Nancy Kerrigan on this list, but I don’t feel like adding any more. He’s right though, she belongs.


Anonymous said...

"Well, apparently Marty Cordova deserves to have his genitals revoked."

Please tell me you invented this phrase and didn't lift it from someone else. Genius.


Anonymous said...

I agree. Genius. The entire Marty Cordova paragraph. Well done.

Jim said...

The great John Smoltz once burned himself when he was ironing a shirt WHILE HE WAS WEARING IT!!! And he always seemed so smart during post game interviews.

Boyd said...

Sammy Sosa hurt his ribs by sneezing violently. Turns out he may have had that Down's Sydrome I thought he had all those years.