Thursday, December 11, 2008

What I Would Give If I Were Santa Claus

Tis the season, right? I was thinking about what I would want for Christmas and started feeling bad, because it’s about the giving. I then moved to what I would get my wife and children if I could afford it. Athletes can afford anything, but it sounds like they just get cars and a Jesus piece instead of what they really need. If I were Santa Claus and could give athletes what they need/deserve instead of what they can afford, things would be different. I made a list of gifts I would give as Santa Claus. It would start with Boyd and Jim getting coal for being perverts and then move on to athletes.

LeBron James: an improved outside shot.
Can you imagine how ridiculous he would be if he were a better shooter? My goodness.

Stephon Marbury: a coach that doesn’t hate him.
Remember when Steph was the man? He had the chance to stay with the Wolves and KG and form what looked like a duo that could do some things in the future. Steph could also use improved judgement.

Ricky Williams: weed.
I only want him to be happy.

Pacman Jones: his very own scrip club.
That’s how he pronounces it–scrip club. Classic. If he had his own, who would he try to kill when he frequents the establishment? I just want him to be safe.

OJ Simpson: a lethal injection.
The juice is seriously overdue.

Aaron Rogers: the ability to break all of Brett Farve’s records.
This one is completely out of spite. I’m fully on the Aaron Rogers bandwagon.

Vince Young: Prozac.
In honor of Boyd. He likes Vince better alive.

Michael Vick: better lawyers and a starting spot on Hell's football team.
When it comes to NFL players getting lawyers, Vick screwed up. How did OJ shred two people with a knife and get no jail time, but Mike gets two years for killing a dog? Vick’s lawyers suck, that’s how. I'm not saying Vick doesn't deserve it - he does. But if the Juice got off for killing two people...

Reggie Bush: absolutely nothing.
This guy is dating Kim Kardashian and he’s totally hot (I say this with an unblemished track record of heterosexuality). He doesn’t need anything else.

New York Yankees: more big money players.
The Yankees need more players that make a ton of money. Of course, this is conditional on them not winning a World Series with said players.

New York Mets: continuing meltdowns out of the bullpen.
This gift is purely for entertainment value. Especially after spending a ton of $ on relievers, continued failure would just be hilarious. Plus, it gives Jim the opportunity to come up with great nicknames.

Tim Duncan: some semblance of a personality/charisma.
I love Tim. He’s probably the best power forward to ever play the game. But he’s boring as hell.

Josh Howard: chronic.
See: Ricky Williams.

Soccer: to suck less.
This is self-explanatory.

Urban Meyer: some Oklahoma Sooners toilet bowl fresheners.
We all know that Urban likes to symbolically pee on his opponents...

BYU football fans: Rocky Long as defensive coordinator.
And less desire to wear socks with sandals.

Mike Leach: a bigger stage.
Lubbock is holding this guy down. He is truly amazing. Look it up.

Ocho Cinco: a touchdown.
My man Chad has only scored 4 TDs this season and that means we have been denied the opportunity to see creative celebrations. I miss the gold mohawk version of Chad.

Darko Milicic: anger management/coping skills.
The Human Victory Cigar. Here is why this gift is necessary. My sister thinks Darko rules.

Charles Barkley: whatever he wants.
I love Chuck. He can have anything.

Stephen A. Smith
: a muzzle.
Will someone please shut this guy up? It pains me to say it, but I actually liked him at first.

Brett Farve: a crippling disease, a severe injury, common sense, decreased love for the spotlight, etc.
He can select any of the above as long as it means he’ll go away.

Travis Henry
: decreased genital blood flow.
Travis has nine children from nine different women. I don’t know if he’s just not picky or has an insane libido, but something has got to change.

Now, this part is important. Please add to this list! What would you get a certain athlete? I know from the numbers that a lot of people read these posts. Add a comment - there are many more gifts that are needed.


Jim said...

If the Mets bullpen has another breakdown I'm coming after you T-bone.

I would give Rajon Rondo an outside jumper. The dude is so fast, plays great D, jumps well for a man his size, slashes to the basket like nobody's business, but would shoot like 14% from the field if he only took jumpshots. Please Santa, give Rondo a jumper. Oh, and give Kobe a compound fracture of the femur, tibia, and fibula (not so that he can't play basketball anymore because the Cs have no problem running the Lakers off the court with or without Kobe, but so he doesn't allegedly rape anyone anymore). Merry Christmas Kobe.

Keith said...

I would give Tony Romo the ability to not suck during night games and against good teams. ie: This would include stick'em for his right hand because he just let's it dangle around when he's in the pocket, as well as the ability to throw to receivers when they are facing him (see 4th down against Pittsburgh). I would also give Joepa the chance that he deserves to play in one more National Championship before he dies, I mean retires.

Anonymous said...

I would give Charlie Wies a new pair of sweatpants. Just because.

Boyd said...

No-you mean dies.

Anonymous said...

As Mr. Claus, I would grant the Oregon football team more alternate jerseys. They clearly do not have enough.