Friday, December 12, 2008

Santa and His Reindeer

Again, for the holidays, I thought it would be nice to create a list of athletes who would be best suited to help guide Santa's sleigh all around the world delivering presents to good girls and boys. This is just in case Santa and all of his reindeer die in an avalanche or a flood (global warming melting all the polar ice caps and all) and have to be replaced on Christmas Eve.

John Daily as Santa Claus
I know that this one was easy, but just look at the guy and you can see that he was the obvious choice. He has rosy cheeks just like Santa (hell his whole canned-ham face looks pretty rosy to me), if you could see his eyes in this picture I’m sure that there would be a twinkle in them (if they weren’t too bloodshot from binge drinking before his round of golf), and we can all definitely see that his belly will shake like a bowl full of jelly and it doesn’t matter if he’s laughing, swinging a golf club, coughing because of the lung cancer, or just walking around, that humongous boiler of his is gonna dance regardless of what he’s doing. Merry Christmas John Daily and congratulations, you are the professional athlete that most looks like Santa. Keep it up and someday you could be pulling minimum wage at some mall letting kiddies piss in your lap and tell you what they want for Christmas. Of course you’ll have to live long enough for that to happen so you’ll need two lung transplants and a new liver, but here’s hoping. Better spike the eggnog mom and dad or this Santa is coming up to your bedroom more than a little agitated and probably a lot sweaty.

Maurice Greene as Dasher
Come on dude. You were a world-class sprinter and once, after winning the 100-meter dash, held the prestigious title of “World’s Fastest Man” (of course you were probably on the juice when you did that, but who isn’t on the juice in track and field). Now just look at you dashing around the dance floor in a skin tight red costume with the sleeves torn off, rocking a disappointing giant black afro wig, and getting criticized for slow footwork by a hundred year old British douche. FYI Maurice, when I ripped this image of you off the Internet it was attached to an article entitled, and I kid you not, “Am I with a gay husband?” And that is the question that everybody wants answered, Maurice. Am I? Am I with a gay husband? I think the answer is clear. Pictures tell no lies, Maurice. At least he might add some speed to Santa’s sleigh and heaven knows the Jolly Old Elf needs speed to cover the distances he needs to in a single night.

Jerry Rice as Dancer
Sticking with the Dancing with the Stars theme, I can only look at this picture of Jerry Rice and weep. Jerry Rice is the greatest receiver to ever play the game of football. There once was a time when you could walk down the street and ask any woman you met who Jerry Rice was and she would answer, “I don’t know.” This was for the best. Now if you were to do the same thing they would say, “oh, he’s that guy from Dancing with the Stars. I love him.” Damn you Jerry Rice. For all of your heroic acts on the football field you deserves to go relatively unnoticed by the female population. Your many catches, yardage, and touchdowns have earned you that right and with one little dancing show appearance you pissed it all away. It’s okay Jerry. I’ll still throw the ball to you every single time on Tecmo Super Bowl regardless of how many defenders are covering you and even if you are listed as being in BAD condition, I just won't ask your advice on if I should ruin my Hall of Fame Career by doing and ill-advised crappy reality show, that's all.

Warren Sapp as Prancer
I promise this is my last Dancing with the Stars reference, but it is necessary because Warren has the body weight and strength necessary to pull Santa’s sleigh and because of his recent and unfortunate choice to participate in the afore mentioned dancing show his new nickname, “Prancer”, fits right in. As you can see, even in his playing days Warren had an affinity for dance, but that still does not excuse him from mockery and ridicule for his choice to become a fancy pants on a nationally televised dance show. He went from putting terror into the hearts of NFL running backs by utilizing a tremendous bull-rush to plug the gaps, to having HIS heart full of terror that someone on the dance show might plug his gap with a tremendous bum-rush. Why Warren? Why?

Danica Patrick as Vixen
As you can see by the picture, this too was an easy choice. Danica is certainly capable of filling the role of Santa’s Vixen. Mrs. Claus, whom I imagine to be a dumpy old broad that kind of looks like Mrs. Doubtfire, would have a lot to think about while she sits at home and knits while Santa flies all over the globe with a superfox like Danica. Plus with her ability to drive Indy cars you know she can really handle a stick, and she could even be the one to steer the sleigh, as she would be able to go anywhere Santa told her to go (unlike NASCAR drivers that would only be able to go in an endless left handed oval, leaving out all of those children to the right hand side of the sleigh, be they naughty or nice).

I got nothin’ for this one. I would have to lower my standards and write about the WNBA’s Houston Comets and that is a depth to which I am not willing to sink. The only time I’ll mention those nags is if I’m talking about blowing wide open lay-ups or how most dudes think that their Rec team could easily beat a squad of these bull-dykes, which is sadly probably true.

David Beckham as Cupid
How could this guy not be Cupid? I think that the only reason Becks is successful is because he is a complete dreamboat. The defenders that are supposed to be checking him accidentally get caught looking longingly into his piercing eyes, or maybe at the sock stuffed down his trousers, and that’s when he takes off, receives the pass, and bends it into an uncontested goal. His job as part of the sleigh team would be to boost moral (for men and women alike) simply by striking a stunning pose in his undies with his sack bulging out. Oh, and his abs.

What the hell is a Donder? Does anybody know? I apologize to the three dudes named Donder that live in Poland and religiously frequent this blog, but I have to say that Donder is one stupid name for a reindeer or a person.

Joey Porter as Blitzen
Porter leads the league in sacks with 16.5 to this point in the season. This is not an easy thing to do as a linebacker. He is rightfully dubbed Blitzen in this post because that is exactly what he has been doing for the Dolphins this year. Brandon Marshall of the Denver Broncos may think he is soft, and he might be out of line defending the actions of former teammate Plaxico Burress (by the way, anyone stupid enough to shoot themselves should not have anyone in their corner when it comes to defending what happened), but Porter is a energized maniac and just what this sleigh team needs to get the job done. Plus he could supply everyone with NFL approved diet pills to keep them all trim, HGH, and probably some high quality blow, which is a bonus.

Steve Nash as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
I don't even know what to say about this. I guess, "you'll go down in HIS-TOOOO-RY (like Columbus)!"


Boyd said...

Once again, Jim, you find a way to make me feel all icky inside.


Aimee said...

Just two comments:

1. It's Donner, not Donder

2. For all your making fun of "Dancing With the Stars," you sure know a lot about who's on it. Admit you watch it, admit you cry when your favorites get voted off.

Aimee said...

ok, I looked it up and it is Donder, so sue me.

Anonymous said...

Jim. Turn the perv factor down. Down.

Less is more.


Your older brother (not Jesus).

Phil said...

Jim,I'm all for perving it up but you don't need to gay it up with pictures of beckham in his underware and joey porter giving that dude the old "hows your father?"
P.S. go bama