An Attempt At Diagnosing the Various Sports Fans

I have always felt that there should be some type of guide for labeling the different types of fans. Therefore, partly in response to Jim's scathing oration on BYU/Jazz Fan, I have constructed a short list with which to diagnose what we call fanatics. The utility and credibility of this article requires that I focus on clinical, research, and educational purposes that are supported by my own personal experiences and, where possible, empirical evidence. My highest priority is to provide a helpful guide to assessing and diagnosing one's own fandom, or more likely, the fandom of others. Not all types of fans will be addressed here because the list could go on forever. Please, feel free to add to this list as needed - it is not intended to be comprehensive.


The Tough Guy/The Instigator
We've all met the tough guy/the instigator: he's the one who argues aggressively with anyone about who will win a game while strongly implying that he will kick your trash if you even consider arguing with him. For instance, he's also the guy who when you say, "Carlos Boozer is a terrible post defender," gets so upset that he challenges you to a fight by the flagpole or tells you he'll give you the business in the octagon. This guy can't back up his arguments with any facts or logic, so he goes with intimidation and the threat of violence.


Emotionally Invested
This is the fan who gets his feelings hurt if you even disagree with his opinions. He may also break into tears if his team doesn't do well. I have actually seen this before - he gets so frustrated that he begins to well up and cry. It's a sad sight, really. This guy isn't that fun to make fun of either, because he's so sensitive that it takes the sport out of it - you actually feel bad that his team sucks. Well, I don't, but some people might.


The Coach
I hate The Coach. He consistently ruins my live event experience. This is the guy who is constantly yelling at the players and coaches, telling them what to do because, obviously, the fan knows better than the paid professionals. I have been to several BYU games where the fans are constantly yelling at the QB and telling him how to read the defense. The Coach also is never satisfied with just saying what he has to say, he needs to elaborate to the guy next to him on why things would be better if the player/actual coach listened to him. "If he would have checked down to the hot route he would have..." BYU is notorious for having The Coach peppered throughout the bleachers.


The Premature Withdrawal
There are very few legitimate reasons for a fan to leave a game early, but it never fails - they leave and walk right in front of you in the middle of a play. Wanting to beat traffic or the fact that the game is a blowout are not good reasons. The weather is not a good reason. Needing to get home to the kids - not a good reason. Because you live far away - not good enough. Someone just died? Getting closer. Now that I think about it, I don't know that there is a good reason to leave early.


Superior to the Ref
This is the fan who is on the refs all game long, particularly at basketball games. The classic lines are usually something like this: “What are you, blind?” “Call it both ways, ref!” “Even Stevie Wonder saw that one!” and “Here ref, borrow my glasses.” This guy is at every single basketball game. Actually, it would be ok if he left early.


Captain Negative
I call this fan Captain because he deserves a bit of a superhero-ish title. Nothing is ever good enough for this guy. Your team just gained 19 yards? He's screaming about how you didn't get 20. The quarterback could be 14 for 15 and this guy is pissing and moaning about the one incompletion. It's like making out with Jessica Alba and being upset that she isn't using more tongue. Sometimes you should just be happy with what you've got...


The Embarrassment
I see this guy everywhere - he epitomizes BYU fan. The embarrassing fan is the guy that makes you feel stupid because he cheers for the same team you do. The embarrassing fan just does things that make you uncomfortable. The BYU/embarrassing fan wears socks with sandals, sweat pants, a jersey of Ty Detmer, and has a great big part in his hair. He also has delusions of grandeur and isn't afraid to state it to anyone within fifteen rows of him. I hate being by this guy because I feel stupid by association. Jim has ranted about the idiocy of BYU Fan, and in most cases it's legit. And I'm embarrassed by it.


The Eye Candy
Most people probably like having this girl at the game, but I don't. I saw about 5,000 of these girls at a UCLA football game last year. This is the chick who looks like she just came from a party at Pacman Jones's house. Her shorts or skirt barely pass her crotch and she's cut a jersey up so that it reveals most of her expensive aesthetic enhancements. She usually wears high heels with this ensemble, making it impossible for her to climb all the way up to her seat by the end of the first. She can usually be heard asking stupid questions, proving that she is just there hoping that either a) you'll spend most of the game staring at her or b) that she'll be able to get the attention of one of the players. Don't get me wrong, I understand that guys generally enjoy eye candy, but that can be enjoyed after the game.


The Logomaniac
This fan has his team’s logo on his hat, shirt/jersey, gloves, pants, and socks. If he’s a real die-hard, his shoes too. He is usually sitting on a team pillow and covered by a team blanket. The sad thing is when you see this guy sporting all his gear when he’s not at the game. It’s bad enough to look like that big of an idiot at the game, but when you see this guy just walking around, you know it’s bad. I have seen several fans who fit this criteria, most recently Celtic fan. This guy was sporting a Paul Pierce jersey, a Celtics hat, green ghetto shorts (you know, the male version of capri's), and the old school Larry Bird green/white/black Converse shoes. Ok, the shoes were pretty sick, but the rest was just pathetic.


The Bandwagon Fan
The Bandwagon Fan is currently a Celtics fan, a Red Sox fan, and a Giants fan. This is the guy who sports a different hat each year or season – last year it was a Colts hat, this year a Giants hat. The Bandwagon Fan is constantly running his mouth because he knows you can't talk back - he always has the last word and the bottom line. He would never be caught associating with a losing team. Every real fan has been accused of being a bandwagon fan at one time or another —PlayBoyd is currently getting some backlash for the Celtics winning the NBA title. Most people don’t believe that Boyd is old school - he is, I can verify this. I experienced the same thing in the early 2000s with the Lakers. It’s tough to be a true fan when you have the bandwagon fan out there sullying your good name.


My Cup Runneth O'er
This is my boy Dyer, no doubt. He always thinks BYU will go 12-0 and the Utah Jazz will go 82-0, followed by an impressive 16-0 run through the playoffs. Nobody can touch any of his teams. If someone tells him that the Utes have a chance to beat BYU, he’ll tell you that you’re a retard and you don’t know what you’re talking about. I ask Dyer who he thinks will win games all the time, and he has never predicted against BYU, the Jazz, or the Braves. Ever. The optimistic fan also thinks the team can always come back. Down 42-7 with 6 minutes left? Not a problem - we can do it! Because the glass is half full…


The Attention Seeker
This fan is always either wearing something ridiculous and painting his face or holding up a stupid sign. This is the least creative guy in the stands. Sportscenter is Next!! Wow, haven’t seen that before. How about John 3:16? Why does that show up at sporting events anyway? How about some creativity, such as Mosiah 2:17? You also have the guy holding up the D-Fence or the guys all standing next to each other with the team name painted on their chests. These guys just want the spotlight, but then when the spotlight comes, what do they do? They always yell the same thing—we’re #1! Um, Ok. The team could be down by 3 touchdowns in the second half and the fan finally gets the camera and yells “we’re number one!” Actually, Wazzou fan, you're #109, but thanks for the lunacy. The Jazz fan in this pic actually showed some rare creativity with this sign aimed at Tony Parker, thus warranting inclusion here.


Soccer Fan
This is the most terrifying and frightening fan of all. Soccer fan will lob urine-balloons at you and shoot the goalie if the team loses. Soccer fan is downright scary. The closest thing to soccer fan that I know of has got to be Raider fan. The whole phenomenon is downright frightening. If you go to a Raiders game and cheer for the opposing team, you must either wear protective gear or have some massive grapefruits. Notice the woman's crown in this picture. That is flat out amazing.


The "Fan" Who Doesn't Know Shiz
I'm always skeptical that I'll find this guy. Every time I engage in a sports-related conversation I expect that the person I'm speaking to will reveal that they don't know anything. For instance, when I first met my brother-in-law, Rob, I expected it to become obvious that he doesn't know his stuff. It didn't happen - therefore, I respect his sports knowledge. The Fan Who Doesn't Know Shiz is the guy who comes into my office when Boyd and I are talking sports and tries to jump into the conversation with lines like, “If the Colts didn’t have Payton Manning they’d suck.” Wow. Thank you for that amazing analysis - tell me more! The most annoying thing about this guy is that he tries to pretend he knows what he’s talking about even after you've pointed out his fallacies, and will then argue with you to the death. When you question him about something, he gets defensive and calls you an idiot because he can’t back up his argument with stats or facts of any kind. You need to recognize your limits people. I know my basketball, but I recognize that Boyd watches more of the NBA than I do, so I don’t pretend to know more about it than he does. In essence, I know my role.


Please, people, use this list to identify your place in all of fandom, and act accordingly. If you find yourself in several of these categories, please, in the words of The Rock, know your role and shut your mouth.

P.S. - since I have been getting comments about misspelling PAyton Manning's name, I thought I'd better clarify - I spelled it wrong because it is a joke from one of our older posts. I realize that it is PEyton. It's part of the joke people ... not knowing shiz ... get it? This site also only refers to Brett Farve.

The Worst GM/Presidents in Sports

When I lived in Sacramento a few years back, I was riding down the street while my friend was driving and hit something. We stopped and got out of the vehicle to see what happened. It was a huge cat. Half of the cat was pretty much smashed and it was screaming something awful. So my friend said, well, we better fix this. He got back in the car and ran over the cat again. The theory was, the cat was in misery, so better to kill it than let it suffer.
As fans we always think we're suffering. I've been a Dodgers fan my entire life, but have only seen them do something special once, in 1988. That was a long time ago. It seems like being in L.A. they should be able to spend some money and put a winner on the field. Until the Dodgers recently brought in the best player in baseball, it seemed nothing would help. Now, there have been some bad GMs and Presidents in sports, but there are two that seem to be worse than any others. Luckily these two men were finally run over for the second time this year. So, who is the worst GM/President in sports over the past ten-twenty years? I think it has to be one of these two, but if you think I'm missing someone let me know. And save it, I know Scott Layden sucks.


Matt Millen, Detriot Lions: Millen was finally ousted this week when he was let go on Wednesday. Millen has a legitimate shot to be considered the worst General Manager in sports history. Since Millen's arrival in 2001, the Lions have gone 31-84, the worst record in the NFL in that span. Well, not only the worst record in the NFL, the worst by ten games! The Lions did not win more than 7 games in a single season under Millen. During the first three years of Millen's tenure the Lions didn't win a road game, going 0-24. Since then, the Lions have really stepped it up, going 8-26. After Millen's fourth season as GM, Lion's owner William Clay Ford gave Millen an extension and a raise. Millen was making $5 million per year. Some guys have all the luck. What other job could you possibly have where you suck horribly, make things worse, alienate your clientele, and you get a raise for your efforts?

The Lion's fan base was so alienated that in December of 2005 they had a Millen Man March to protest Millen's contract extension. Fire Millen signs were seen at Lions games and Keep Millen signs would be seen in opponent's sections. Millen was quoted earlier this year as saying that the team's record under him is "beyond awful and worthy of having one's balls shot off." Thanks for the genitalia reference, Matt. Millen has been horrible in the NFL draft - of all the players he drafted in his years with the Lions, two have made the Pro Bowl. He has selected busts such as Joey Harrington, Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams. Didn't everyone know that Harrington and Williams shouldn't be drafted that high? Well, I must defer to Stephen A. Smith, who sums it up well:

“This team is atrocious and Matt Millen is a walking football atrocity. He is the worst executive, in my opinion, in the history of team sports. He is flat out garbage. The fact that he is allowed to have a job, the fact that he is allowed to walk through the streets of Detroit to enter Ford Field is an abomination in and of itself. There should be barricades keeping this man out of the city limits. He should not be allowed to be employed by the Detroit Lions. He is a disgrace of the highest order.”



Isiah Lord Thomas III, New York Knicks: Is there a worse guy in all of sports? This guy is a prick of the highest order. The sad thing is that growing up I loved this guy, even as a Lakers fan. I thought Isiah was the truth. I watched him injure his ankle against the Lakers in the NBA Finals and come back to drop 25 in one quarter, a then NBA Finals record (it may still be, I don't know). I thought Isiah was great - watching him throw a bounce alley-oop, his insane handle, and his captaining the toughest team in the league was impressive to me. Too bad I later found out what a complete A-hole he is. He seems to take his middle name literally.

A sign to the Knicks that signing Isiah as GM might be a bad thing could have been the fact that Thomas almost single-handedly destroyed the CBA. In 1998, Thomas purchased the CBA and it took him only two years before the association had to file for bankruptcy. In 2003, the Knicks hired Thomas as the President of Basketball Operations. By 2006, the Knicks had the league's highest payroll and second-worst record. In 2006, Isiah was also charged with sexual harrassment, which resulted in Madison Square Garden paying Anuche Sanders 11.6 million dollars. You see, Isiah has this magical life where he can do whatever he wants with other people's money. Must be nice. It also came out in the trial that Isiah said he doesn't care about "these f---ing white people" or "these f---ing season ticket holders." Class act, Zeke. Class act.

During the 4+ years of the Isiah era, the Knicks have lost over 60% of their games. They even had a worse record (56-108) when Isiah was put on the bench as coach after Larry Brown left. Over the span of the Thomas tenure, the Knicks have amassed the NBAs largest payroll and third-worst overall record. It all started when Thomas bet the farm on perpetual malcontent Stephon Marbury. If that wasn't enough, Isiah went out and got studs like Jamal Crawford, Jared Jeffries, Quentin Richardson, Jerome James, Steve Francis, and Zach Randolph. He got players just good enough to lose with. Isiah created a team of scorers - five guys on the floor who saw every shot as their own. Every time down the court on defense you have four guys pissed off because they didn't get to take the shot on the offensive end.

I found a recent quote from Isiah: "We need to build a culture here, a foundation. The guy who poured the concrete never gets a chance to live in that beautiful house." Zeke knew his days were numbered and that someone else would have to tear up the awful foundation Zeke built. Remember the early days, when the most damage Isiah could do was to freeze out MJ and destroy the CBA? Until Walsh finally ran over this cat for the second time, it was beginning to look like Thomas had his sights set on the NBA too.

He Hate Me - NBA Version 2.0

I was going to follow up Boyd's hating certain NBA players/teams with some love, but after thinking about it I just can't muster up the strength. There are far more players in the league that I dislike than I like. I get sick of these guys with their flopping, their bling, and their tats everywhere (not that I necessarily have a problem with any of those things in isolation - it's the combination that irritates me). So I took the easy route and decided to mooch off of Boyd's idea - here is a short-list of who I hate in the NBA. Some of you may have read my rationale for my love/hate relationship with Kobe Bryant, so he will mercifully be left off of this list. Just know that in reality he is on it.



Sasha Vujabic: Now keep in mind that this comes from a long-time Lakers fan. I hate Sasha. Is there a player in the league who makes less big plays yet thinks he's Kobe Bryant? Did you see him in the NBA Finals getting in Paul Pierce's ear? How did that work out for you, Vujabic? Oh, yeah, Paul won the Finals MVP and dropped 22, 6, and 5 per game. Sasha went for 8 per game, but that didn't stop him from pounding his chest every time he hit a shot. The best part of the series was when he hit a three and was so busy telling Ray Allen about it that he forgot to defend Pierce on the other end as The Truth calmly drained a three. Kobe then got in Sasha's ear and Vujabic looked like he just lost all of his teammate privileges with Kobe. It was beautiful.



DeShawn Stevenson: I've disliked DeShawn since he made his home here in Utah. DeShawn has always seemed to think he's 14 times better than he really is. LeBron stopper? No. DeShawn is so ridiculous that Jay-Z even made a diss song about him. Ok, that's actually pretty awesome, but I still don't like the guy, great facial hair notwithstanding. I must reminisce - my buddy and I went to the Rocky Mountain Revue the year after DeShawn had gotten in legal trouble for having coitus with a 14-year-old from Fresno. During the warmups DeShawn was putting on a ridiculous dunking exhibition. My boy Horse yells to DeShawn - "Hey Shawn, please stay away from my daughter's daycare." DeShawn promptly flipped him off and everyone in our section started yelling at Horse to leave their loveable Jazz hero alone. This seems to play into what Jim said in response to Boyd's list - Jazz fans are generally stupid.



Kenyon Martin: There are so many reasons to hate Kenyon. How about the fact that he has never played a full season in his NBA career? How about the way he always pulls his jersey to the side so we can see his nipple, er, his tattoo? Maybe it's the fact that his nickname is K-Mart. Seriously? K-Mart? I guess the K-Mart nickname fits - both claim to be better than they really are, both have graffiti-laced exteriors, and both appeal to a certain ghetto/trailer-trash audience.



Al Horford: Horford is going to be very good. The guy definitely has a bright future in the league. I actually liked him when he was at Florida, but he seems like a new man in the NBA. He has this new Kobe-like cocky demeanor that just rubs me the wrong way. Don't get me wrong - I actually love some good trash talk. Reggie Miller is one of my favorite players of all time because he could really jaw. But Horford just has this smugness about him that makes me want someone to crack his skull. Did you see him running his yap and trying to manhandle KG in the playoffs? Normally I'm down, but he looked like he was insulted to be on the same court as Garnett. Horford isn't worthy to wash KG's jockstrap, by the way. Although this has nothing to do with me disliking Horford, here's a good story having to do with Boyd. We went to see the Hawks last year at the Rocky Mountain Revue and Horford was injured and not playing. We didn't know what the story was, so in true PlayBoyd fashion, Boyd starts heckling Horford from about 25 rows back. Boyd yells that Horford needs to quit being a wuss and get in the game. Some guy about 10 rows down gets completely bent out of shape and turns and points at Boyd and yells, "you get out there with a bad ankle." The kid's face was bright red like he was ready to step into the octagon. Boyd ignored the kid and yelled at Horford some more, and it looked like the kid had a friend holding him back. The kid's lucky too - Boyd would have given him the business, Crane Kick style.



Pau Gasol: I just hate Pau. Having Pau, Kobe, and Sasha all on the Lakers makes me physically ill. I've been a Lakers fan my entire life, but I just can't cheer for these guys. I've been a Jazz hater my entire life, and because of that little threesome I found myself cheering for Utah in the playoffs this year. I watched Pau the entire playoffs and he has the same scripted reaction for every single play - if he scores, he's pissed off that he didn't get an And-1; if he doesn't score, he complains that he was fouled and he pouts the entire length of the court; if he gets an And-1 or makes an assist, he pounds his chest and screams like Tarzan. Plus, he's ugly as hell. I can't stand Pau. Give me Kwame Brown back - at least I can stand to look at him. And for all of you who read or commented on Boyd's classic rock-NBA post, Rush does suck.



Manu Ginobili: Manu might be my least favorite athlete of all time. I think I actually do hate Manu. Not in the fictional character sense, but I think I really have true disdain for this guy. He's such a piece of complete crap. I've never seen someone who flops as much as this guy (and I've watched Fisher and Divac throughout their Lakers careers, so I've seen floppers). And it doesn't help that Bill Walton gets a rager every time he does a Spurs game. Manu is so amazing! Manu is unbelievable! It gets old. You'd think that Ginobili ran into Shaq every time he goes down the lane. For a guy who is practically a contortionist, he sure seems to lose his balance easily when anyone is close to him. The most frustrating thing about Ginobili is that he is actually really freaking good. If he sucked, i.e., Vujabic, then it wouldn't be so frustrating to watch him. Not to mention his bald spot. I have provided a picture for your viewing pleasure.

CGW - Coaches Gone Wild

There's not much I love more than a good rant from a sports coach. I'm not talking about the little league coach who is yelling at parents in the stands and telling them he'll play whoever he wants to play. I mean the classic college or professional sports coach who puts on a great show for the media or the fans. Even though I didn't put one on this list, I love a good baseball manager who gets about four inches from an umpire's face and screams. Then he goes and kicks dirt on the plate. Then he gets really mad, pulls second base up, and launches it into center. I love that. LOVE that. I crack up every time. I may have obsessive-compulsive disorder or something, but a compulsion of mine appears to be making lists. So, here are seven of my favorite coaching tirades/meltdowns of all time, in no particular order (I reserve the right to make my list of athlete meltdowns at a later date, so you won't see some of the classic lines, such as "I will eat your babies," or "practice," in this one):



Herm Edwards, New York Jets: I've always wondered why we play sports. Leave it to Herm Edwards to give me the answer I've been searching for. Herm gave this prepared speech after the Jets lost a game to the Cleveland Browns that left the Jets at 2-5. The speech must have been masterful because the Jets went 7-2 the rest of the season to finish as AFC East Champions at 9-7. Edwards also parlayed this into a book called You Play to Win the Game: Leadership Lessons for Success On and Off the Field. Herm also dropped this beauty after losing 6 straight games with the Chiefs: "Get over it! It happens. It's called life." Thanks, Herm. I think I'll go order his book from Amazon. Here's a link for those of you who are interested.



Mike Gundy, Oklahoma State football: This Gundy rant is tremendous. It's so scripted that it almost reminds me of a bad wrestling promo. You know, like from Bret "The Hitman" Hart or something. The best part is that Gundy says "I'm a man!" with such authority that it almost convinces me that the player he's defending doesn't qualify for that designation. The player is either a boy or a woman, then? I wish Gundy would have clarified that for me.



John Chaney, Temple basketball: After a basketball game against UMass, John Chaney was adamant that UMass coach John Calipari intimidated the referees into making calls for the Minutemen. Chaney got so irate that he actually threatened Calipari, screaming: "I'll kill you. I'm gonna kick your a$$." Chaney also explained to Calipari that this was the reason he told his players to hit Cal's players in the bleeping mouth. Chaney, who had to be 60 at the time, actually had to be restrained from going over and giving Coach Cal the business. I'm not an MMA fan, but seeing Calipari vs. Chaney would probably draw big PPV buyrates.



Dennis Green, Arizona Cardinals: This one is just flat-out funny. Green was bent out of shape because his Cardinals blew a big lead to the Bears on Monday Night Football and he decided to deliver this gem of a press conference. I can't decide which is my favorite part: his all of the sudden becoming irate or the way he storms out after his speech. Good stuff, Denny.



Bobby Knight, Indiana basketball: This is classic. Who throws a chair? Not only that, but at other people? This is amazing because it seems like one of those tantrums my 3-year-old daughter might throw, but even she would be too embarrassed to take it this far. Imagine if The General had a better arm - he could have pulverized someone. I could have selected so many from coach Knight, but the chair toss is classic. Like an event at the Redneck Olympics or something.



Jim Mora, Indianapolis Colts: Not only does Mora give us a lesson in all the different levels and classifications of football, but he helps us know that him saying "that sucks" is just his opinion, not gospel doctrine. Thanks, Jim. Oh, then we get a masterful breakdown on a Saints game that they apparently lost. "Diddley Poo" should be in the one-liner hall of fame if there is such thing.





Picks:
Boise State at 16 Oregon
Hank: Oregon on a hunch.
Dyer:
Rob: Oregon - big
Taylor: Oregon - new QB but the D is really good.
Boyd: Oregon
18 Wake Forest at 24 Florida State
H: WF - because of my distain for FSU and because WF is just a better team.
D:
R: WF - FSU hasn't played anyone. Why are they even ranked?
T: WF - FSU has more overall talent, but I don't know that they can beat a good team.
B: Florida State
6 LSU at 10 Auburn
H: LSU - this is a wildcard game, but I'll go with LSU
D:
R: LSU in an ugly one
T: LSU - LSU wins the battle up front and takes a road win.
B: LSU
3 Georgia at Arizona State
H: Georgia - competitive, but UGA wins it
D:
R: ASU - tough to win in a Pac 10 stadium
T: Georgia - ASU will make it closer than people think. They'll want to make up for losing to a crappy UNLV team.
B: Georgia
4 Florida at Tennessee
H: Florida - Gators pull away in the second half
D:
R: Florida - big
T: Florida - Tennesse doesn't know how to run their new offensive scheme yet. Florida wins.
B: Florida

NBA Look-a-Likes - Part I

Boyd looks like New England Patriots offensive lineman Logan Mankins. It's a fact. I find that fact humorous. I look very similar to the man Mankins protects - Tom Brady. With my lustrous hair and 5 o'clock shadow, I can't pry the ladies off of me, just like my boy Tom. Anyhow, Boyd and I had earlier entries about the ugliest and prettiest (not that there's anything wrong with that) guys in the NBA. Well, now it's time for the look-a-like list. I find that NBA players seem to look a lot like music artists - what with their corn rows, tattoos, and all important fashion statements such as earrings and necklaces. So here are some of my favorite NBA-music look-a-likes, with some special bonuses.

Nate Robinson and 50 Cent - these guys have a lot in common: they are both tatted up like crazy, both like to fight, both run their mouth way too much, and both think they're better at what they do than they really are. I don't want to make it sound like it's all bad though. Robinson started his college career as a defensive back at the University of Washington and became an NBA dunk champion. 50 has sold over 20 million records and brought us the joy of "In Da Club." The fact that he made popular the phrase "I'm in to having sex I ain't in to making love" is pretty amazing. These two have truly contributed to the good of sports and music.

Donyell Marshall and Ludacris - with these stylish corn rows and bad mustaches, how can either of these two go wrong? A couple of handsome devils, that's for sure. Both Luda and Donyell are underrated in their contribution to their respective professions. While neither will be in any top 5 dead or alive discussions, each brings decent skills to their craft.

Devin Brown and Usher Raymond IV - I'm assume that many of you don't know who Devin Brown is. Maybe you're a fan of the Sioux Falls Skyforce, his first professional team. Brown actually isn't a bad NBA player, but he's nowhere near as prolific as Usher Raymond IV is in music. Usher is a sex symbol for ladies everywhere. Look at those abs. Incredible. The seductive pose is pretty impressive too. I know that's why you visit this site. Um, anyway, Usher and Devin look alike...

Corey Maggette and Xzibit - these two looked more alike when Maggette was sporting the corn rows, but I swear this is the same guy. Can you even tell which is which in the pictures? X has been busy pimping people's rides, but he can still mean mug with the best of them.

Kirk Hinrich and Jason Biggs - I have never seen any of the American Pie movies and I have never seen Kirk Hinrich play well, so I have nothing to say about either of these two. I really couldn't care less about either of them.

Phil Jackson and Colonel Harland Sanders - did you know that Colonel Sanders once worked as a steamboat driver? Did you know that in high school Phil Jackson threw the discus? Go ahead and share these pieces of knowledge with someone today and see how impressive you look.

Why I Have a Man-crush on Chad Johnson/Ocho Cinco

Wide receivers are the prima donnas of the NFL. Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, Steve Smith, and my personal favorite, Chad Ocho Cinco. I've always thought Chad was hilarious, but when training camp began and he threw his little hissy fit this year I started to like him less. But then he goes and changes his name from Chad Johnson to Chad Ocho Cinco, and completely redeems himself. Chad Johnson is the man who created The List. The List was a list of all the defensive backs that managed to cover Chad Johnson over the course of the 2005 season. Of course, the list had no names on it. He called it Who Covered 85 in '05. 85 has some serious ingenuity. Here is a sample of the Ocho Cinco goodness:

So, in honor of my boy Chad (a five time Pro Bowler, by the way), here are my ten favorite Ocho Cinco moments.



10. Don't Fine Me Again!!!!! - Amid all the controversy of Chad Johnson and Joe Horn getting fined for premeditated touchdown celebrations in 2003, Johnson was getting a lot of flack for his antics. During a game against the 49ers Chad scored a touchdown. He walked over to a snowbank and pulled this out. The result was a $10,000 fine. Classic.



9. Hall of Fame 20?? - In the first Monday night game of 2007 the Bengals were playing the Ravens. Chad scored the game's first touchdown. He subsequently went and grabbed a jacket that said "Future H.o.F. 20??" on it. Chad is a first ballot hall of famer if you ask me.



8. The Putt/CPR - This celebration took place when Chad and Steve Smith seemed to be having a contest to see who could come up with the more creative end zone celebrations. Chad came up with the putt and giving the ball CPR. Smith changed the ball's diaper. All classic celebrations. Creativity points get a ten and two thumbs up.



7. The Riverdance - This celebration is tremendous. Puts Deion Sanders' end zone dance to shame


6. The Mohawk - After a poor start to the 2006 season, Chad decided to make some changes. He showed up for a game against the Chargers with a new blonde mohawk. He proceeded to go for 260 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns against San Diego. The next week, still with the amazing fashion statement, Johnson had 190 yards and 3 touchdowns against the Saints. Chad set the NFL record for receiving yards in a two game span with 450 yards. I loved it, especially because I had him on my fantasy team that year.



5. The Touchdown Shoes - Chad made himself a pair of "touchdown shoes." Johnson took a picture of each of his touchdown receptions (so far in the 2006 season) and sewed a portion of each of the pictures to his cleats. Seriously. The uniform police were on hand and they made him change before the game. Who comes up with ideas like sewing pictures of your touchdowns to your cleats? Ocho Cinco, son. That's who.



4. Ocho Cinco - The fact that this one is only #4 on the list shows just how amazing Chad Johnson really is. In October 2006, in honor of Hispanic Heritage Month, Chad announced that he would prefer to be called Ocho Cinco in honor of his uniform number. I don't know if Chad knew that "Ocho Cinco" means "eight-five" in Spanish rather than "eighty-five," but either way it is comedic genius. Instead of Taylor I would now prefer to be called "paquette grande ." On August 29, 2008, Chad Javon Johnson had his name legally changed to Chad Javon Ochocinco. This man's creativity is colossal.



3. The Horse Race - In 2007 Chad agreed to race a Thoroughbred horse. The horse had to run 200 meters while Chad had to run 100 meters. Of course my man Ocho Cinco won easily. You think a horse can light up Chad? Not a chance. After thoroughly dominating the steed, Chad bragged that he would give Floyd Mayweather the business in a boxing match. He went on to say that he'd like to play Kobe or LeBron in a one-on-one basketball game. My money is on Ocho Cinco in all of the aforementioned matchups.


2. Pre-Game Pepto - Before a 2004 game against the Cleveland Browns, Chad sent packages of Pepto Bismol to the Browns starting secondary. Each package of Pepto had an accompanying note that read, "Just wanted to add a little color and relief to your week. All the best, Chad." When asked why he sent Pepto to his opponents, Chad explained that he wanted to send them all Pepto because they must be sick with the thought of having to cover him. Johnson didn't exactly live up to the hype, catching 3 passes for 37 yards, but sending Pepto to anyone under any circumstances is awesome.


1. The Marriage Proposal - After scoring a touchdown, Chad "proposed" to a Cincinnati Ben-gals cheerleader. In classic one-upsmanship, Chad wrote "TO - I got you baby!" after the celebration. Notice the announcer's disgust when he reads what my man Chad wrote on the white board.

Chad Johnson's Proposal


You just can't beat Chad. The cheerleader who Chad "proposed" to has recently asked to be allowed to leave the Bengals so she can go to the Patriots. Chad wrote this on his blog: "I thought we were going to get married and have babies. I thought it was true love. I mean, people thought that was just another one of my celebrations, but that was for real. It was from the heart. Man, I'm heartbroken. The day I proposed to... whatever her name is, it was probably the happiest day of my life."
I hope you can get past this heartbreak and keep entertaining me Chad, because I love me some Ocho Cinco.

College picks for the week (Hank is killing it):
UCLA at 18 BYU
Hank: BYU by at least 3
Rob: BYU - close. BYU will destroy UCLA's secondary
Dyer: BYU - it's a no brainer
Taylor: BYU - My gut says UCLA, my head says BYU. BYU has a knack for winning close games
Boyd: UCLA
13 Kansas at 19 South Florida
H: Kansas by 10+
R: South Florida because they're at home
D: Kansas - USF's defense isn't impressive
T: Kansas - KU is overrated, but they have too much offense for USF
B: Kansas
16 Oregon at Purdue
H: Oregon by 2 TDs
R: Oregon by at least 14
D: Oregon rolls
T: Oregon wins handily
B: Oregon
10 Wisconsin at 21 Fresno State
H: Wisconsin - Bulldogs can't hang with 'em
R: Fresno State - Wisconsin is disgustingly overrated
D: Wisconsin - close
T: Wisconsin - just too physical. Fresno's win against Rutgers doesn't look so good since Rutgers lost at home by 32 last night.
B: Wisconsin
5 The Ohio State at 1 USC
H:
R: USC by 10+. USC only loses to Pac-10 teams
D: USC
T: USC - I've been touting The Ohio State since the beginning, partly because of Beanie Wells. If he plays and is healthy I like OSU. Since it looks like he isn't, I like SC.
B: USC

Here you go, Rich.

This is strictly in honor of Rich's comment at the end of the Saved By The Bell rant.

Why do you people love dogs so much?

I feel better now that the when and where of air instruments have been clarified. The other day when I was blasting out a solo I wondered what Boyd's take on it would be (he would have said it sucked because it was music he wouldn't be caught dead listening to). When PlayBoyd says he breaks out the air guitar on a daily basis, believe it. He can't hear a song without mimicking some type of instrument. It's part of his charm.

On with the not-so-sports post. So I was in the grocery store last week and I noticed as this fat guy strolled in wearing a Brett Favre jersey. Due to my ire toward Favre and the fact that it is mandatory, I was preparing to drop a sarcastic comment to my wife about the fact that Brett Favre just walked into a Smith's in Utah when I realized something more annoying and disturbing - he was carrying a dog. It led me to question - and I sincerely want the answer to this, so please help me - why do people take their dogs with them everywhere they go? The dog can't stay home? Anyway, this guy struts right over to the produce section and proceeds to fondle and manhandle just about every piece of fruit in the place while holding his little mutt. It made me cringe a bit.

As another example, my family had dinner at my mother's house last month in honor of my grandmother's 80-something birthday. One of my cousins decides that it would be nice to bring his chihuahua to the dinner party. He brought a cage, a little carrying case/bed, and the dog. To my mother's house. For a dinner party. Now, there isn't much I like more than having a chihuahua around when I'm eating, but to bring a bed and a cage just made it perfect for me. Plus, when I state that I don't want to pet the dog, I get stared at like I'm packing around three bollocks. To top it all off my three-year-old daughter is petrified of any and all dogs, so having the canine around was great because I couldn't pry my daughter off of my leg (at least it wasn't the dog).

So I must ask - what is the obsession with one's dog? Why do dog owners think that others want their dog around too? I saw a guy riding his bike along Main Street last week with a backpack on. Strapped to his backpack was a dog. Why? To pick up chicks? Because people will think you're cool? Because you're lonely? There are remedies for each of these things that do not include you bringing your dog into the local establishments. Doesn't taking a dog into a restraunt or a grocery store constitute some type of health code violation? And what about people who are allergic to dogs? Do you ever think that some people might actually think that your dog sucks? I can tell you right now that the odds are that I think your dog sucks and I don't even know what breed it is. Unless you're blind, your dog doesn't need to help you pick out clothes at Dillard's. Just because your dog fits in your purse doesn't mean that is where it belongs.

I was at Wal-Mart a few months ago to pick up the new Coldplay album and a woman had her dog with her. Well, the dog couldn't wait and decided to go ahead and drop a loaf right there in the electronics section. I assume the lady cleaned it up, but having a canine defecate a few feet away from me when I'm CD shopping doesn't exactly enhance my shopping experience. Instead of bringing your puppy to the store, can't you just carry a wallet photo? Or actually be apart from the dog for 45 minutes?

I know that many people out there are dog lovers and I don't mean to offend. I just want to know what I'm missing. I don't get it. Boyd is a dog lover - there is even a sticker on his wife's car window with the family and a dog. I planned to write about idiots who wear game jerseys around like it's the shiz (shout out to Jim Madsen, who does not sport Celtics jerseys, nor does he own one) but it was superceded by my need to rant about this. I feel like the joke is on me and I don't get the punchline. What am I missing?

Random thoughts

I've had a tremendously busy week so I haven't been able to do much here other than my great facial hair post, so I apologize. Here is a Macho Man promo to make up for it.

Congratulations to the Utah Utes for beating Michigan at the big house - quite an accomplishment. Michigan has only lost 4 of their last 9 home games. The Utes are acting like what they did was rare - even App. St. can win in the Big House. It's kind of lost its luster...

Texas A&M looked impressive in their opener, losing to Arkansas State 18-14. What a great start. What ever happened to A&M and the 12th man? What happened to beating teams by 50 in bowl games and killing Heisman trophy winners? They just kind of suck now. I miss this Texas A&M -



For some reason I'm not fired up about the NFL starting. I'm in two fantasy leagues and I still don't really care. Excited about Brett Favre being a Jet? No. Geared up to watch Ocho Cinco? Not really. Tatum Bell stealing Rudi Johnson's bag is pretty awesome though. If that's all there is to excite about the NFL right now then I'm not exactly looking forward to the season.

Eli Manning is still overhyped. And the Giants won't even make the playoffs.

Why is everyone on ESPN saying that Georgia and USC are the only two teams who should be legitimately ranked number 1? Florida, Oklahoma, and Ohio State all looked better than Georgia.

Picks for this week (like it or not):
Miami at Florida
H: Florida - Miami will keep it interesting, but Florida will prevail by 10-14 points
R: Florida rolls over Miami
D:
T: Florida by at least 20
B: Florida
BYU at Washington
H: BYU wins by more that 10
R: this probably will be a close game. I'm going with BYU
D:
T: BYU wins by somewhere in the 10-17 range
B: BYU
West Virginia at East Carolina
H: WV wins this by more that a touchdown
R: West Virginia crushes East Carolina
D:
T: Noel Devine goes nuts - I'm on his jockstrap - WVU by double digits
B: W. Virginia
Oregon State at Penn State
H: it's a toss up for me. PennState over OState
R: My upset pick, I'm going with Oregon State
D:
T: Oregon State - I chose them as a sleeper so I can't just back off now.
B: Penn State
Stanford at Arizona State
H: Stanford will give them a fight, it will be close. ASU wins by 3 or more
R: ASU easily. Last week was an anomaly for the trees
D:
T: Arizona State, but closer than expected.
B: Arizona State


Here is an early pic of Michael Phelps:

The World of Sports and Facial Hair

Football picks from people you don't know is exactly what you get on this site. And I went 1-4 in week 1. Maybe I should just quit now...

I was watching college football this weekend and saw a guy with some amazing facial hair, and it got me to thinking - who are the all-time greats in sports when it comes to facial hair? For those of you who don't know, PlayBoyd has some pretty amazing facial hair. There is a guy named Logan Mankins for the New England Patriots who looks surprisingly similar to Boyd, beard and all. If we put these two next to each other wearing Patriots hats I don't know that you could tell them apart. You wouldn't know which one has a Super Bowl ring and which leaves tracks on his chair at work. They even have similar specs. I have included a picture for your viewing pleasure (if you can call it that).

Whether or not baseball is a sport (see Boyd's post below), it is the source of much of the great facial hair in sports history. Rollie Fingers. Johnny Damon. The recent mustache from Jason Giambi. As a Dodgers fan I must mention Eric Gagne. Baseball has the market cornered when it comes to great mustaches and beards. Basketball has its share with Baron Davis and Kevin Garnett having some seriously sick beards/goatees/chin pubes. Football has a few, most notably the entire Patriots offensive line. Of course, Tom Brady looks exquisite with his occasional five o'clock shadow.

I planned to compile an ordered list of the all-time greats of sports facial hair, but after doing some research, I just can't seem to put them in any rank order. Here then, is some of the greatest facial hair in sports/athletics history in no particular order.



Adam Morrison - His facial hair is exquisite because it's so straggly and it looks like what a just blossoming teenager would grow. Combine it with his amazing bushy hair curtain and he's a winner all the way around. It doesn't quite qualify as a porn stache (see Jake Plummer) but it's a pretty solid effort.



Scott Speizio - Speizio gets points for creativity here. I rock a soul patch (with nowhere near the volume Speizio has) myself and would absolutely color it to match my uniform if I were a professional athlete. I wonder if he ever looked into getting the team logo on there somehow. The way the red matches his cap has a similar effect to the carpet matching the curtains. Nice.



Baron Davis and Drew Gooden - I'm combining these two because they have the exact same beard, even though it seems that Gooden is less concerned with grooming. Boyd posted a great picture of Rick Ross demanding his beard back from Baron, so you might want to find it out in our archives. I wonder how a beard of this magnitude impacts one's ability to stay cool in a basketball game. It seems like it would not be conducive to staying comfortable, but these two seem to pull it off. Gooden also has a reverse soul patch (a small landing strip on the back of his head) that puts him in the hall of fame as far as I'm concerned. His originality is tremendous.



Michael Phelps - He's got a great horseshoe look going on here. I assume he didn't go with this look during the Olympics because it looks like it would retain too much water. Phelps is not the greatest athlete of all time (swimming is not a sport, by the way - it's an athletic event) but the way his facial hair extends to cover the synlabial area of his orofacial anatomy is what gold medalists are made of. Tremendous effort here by Phelps.



Rollie Fingers - probably the most famous facial hair in sports history, Rollie sports what is commonly called the handlebar. For someone to be in the baseball hall of fame and be more famous for their facial hair is quite the accomplishment. This recent picture shows that the hall of famer still has what it takes for me to hold him in high esteem. You can really tell that Rollie takes his look seriously and wants to present himself in the best manner possible. I love it.



This Guy - I have no idea who this guy is, and I didn't bother looking into it because hockey sucks. What a retarded sport. It is clearly a sport, and clearly a sport I would suck at, but it's a complete waste of time. This guy's crop duster overcomes the absurdity of hockey and solidifies it's owner a spot in sports facial hair history. It looks as if his duster is rarely groomed; fitting for a hockey player.



Walt Frazier - his combination of the mutton chops with the chevron mustache is absolute classic, and I can only assume that the ladies loved it. What a tremendous pimp. Wilt must have had some major competition in Frazier. Look how stupid the guy next to him looks. Who can even compete? No one would want to go pick up on the ladies with this guy because they wouldn't stand a chance - they'd always be playing wingman. I am completely in awe of this setup. Truly, truly amazing. Two thumbs up.



Kimbo Slice - Kimbo gets added here because he has such amazing and full growth. It calls to mind that episode of Cheers where the guys have a beard growing contest and the winner is determined by how much beer he can soak up with his beard. Kimbo could certainly compete in that kind of a competition, as he actually makes Drew Gooden and Baron Davis both look like pansies. While Kimbo probably has this amount of facial hair so that he can take more punishment in the ring, his beard still merits special acclaim.



To put the full impact of facial hair in perspective, here is the one and only Peter Griffin.