Thursday, November 20, 2008

How Many Athletes Does It Take To Screw In A Light Bulb?

While I do not normally participate in the mundane telling of preconceived jokes (knock, knock.  Who's there?  Nobody gives a damn.  Etc.), today I would like to explore a number of famous athletes and their ability or inability to screw in the proverbial light bulb.

Kobe Bryant
Though it has been established over the course of Kobe's life that he certainly has the ability to screw things, it remains uncertain whether or not one of those screwable objects is a light bulb.  It would be trite and a bit too easy for me to simply say something like:  "How many Kobe Bryants does it take to screw in a light bulb?  One.  All he has to do is hold the light bulb and let the Earth revolve around him."  One thing is certain though, Kobe has a great team of high-priced lawyers to help him if he is ever accused of screwing in any light bulb, be it consensual or forced.  One can only assume that with Kobe's seemingly unlimited skill set, the task of screwing in a simple light bulb would be taken in stride, though a little beneath him (no pun intended).

Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones
Pacman has a myriad of problems: guns, alcohol, drugs, strippers, strip club shootouts resulting in the death of innocent bystander, ADHD (not confirmed, but come on now), and pro wrestling.  While his laundry list of offenses and shortcomings is incredibly long I don't think that it includes trouble with petite motor skills.  Screwing in a light bulb should be no problem for a man who uses his hands for a living, after all his profession involves holding, pushing, grabbing, catching, flashing gang signs, and making it rain.  Surely screwing in a light bulb can't be more difficult that locking fingers in a mercy fight with Triple H, or firing several rounds of ammunition into the air to warn all haters that he ain't messin' around.  Never having had the experience, I can only assume that it takes finger dexterity to work a roach clip, but I could be wrong.

Shaquille O'neal
I think there is no doubt as to whether or not Shaq could screw in a light bulb.  Of course he can.  The question is whether he would use magic to accomplish this feat or a more traditional method.  "Kazaam!  The light bulb is in."  With the big fella reaching heights of over seven feet tall he certainly would not need a ladder to do his screwing, and if you ask his ex-wife he doesn't even need to be home or with her to do his screwing either.  Shaq would most definitely give himself a hilarious nickname while doing this task.  Something like "The Big Electrician" or "The Big Honey-Do List Accomplisher".  Perhaps if the ceilings were incredibly high and none of Shaq's posse were around to screw the light bulb in for him he might get out a ladder and begin the task of screwing by himself (not like that you sick bastards.  Get your minds out of the gutter).  Maybe while he was up there standing high above the ground it would be a more opportune moment than at a hip-hop club to ask his "best friend" Kobe how exactly his ass tastes.

Tim Duncan
I could go into a bunch of crazy reasoning as to whether or not Timmy could screw in a light bulb, I could try to use slight of hand, wit, or sarcasm.  I could talk about how on the island Tim grew up on they probably didn't even have light bulbs, or how he plays lights out most of the time, or some other such drivel, but we all know that the answer to this question is just as simple and fundamental as this big man's game.  Yes.  Yes he can.

*Derek Fisher would use his kid's cancer to get out of screwing in a light bulb.
*Greg Oden would break his wrist, knee, and ankle trying to screw in a light bulb.  Plus his osteoporosis is too highly advanced because he's probably like 87 years old.
*Rex Grossman would fumble the light bulb when accepting it from the hardware store clerk and then recklessly throw it into a group of light bulbs from the opposing team.
*Tiger Woods would screw the light bulb in from 120 yards with a soft pitching wedge and insane backspin.
*Ray Lewis would allegedly murder his light bulb outside a club, pass the blame on to one of his buddies for a promised sum of money once said friend served his time, and then win defensive player of the year.
I had a couple of other examples, but not very much time, so enjoy and feel free to add anything you would like.  I've got to go screw in a light bulb. 


Rob said...

Paul Pierce would fall down and injure himself badly while attempting to screw in the light bulb, cry and whine and writhe in pain, be helped to the locker room by his teammates, come back in to the room in a wheel chair, and then miraculously screw in the light bulb with his feet while doing a handstand - all for the glory and recognition.

Taylor said...

Rob -

That was funny. Nice.

Jim said...

You left out that he would win a championship and finals MVP.


Taylor said...

Don't forget that NBA player of the week award you were all excited about. That is important to mention too.

PS - all the NBA players you mention in the post have multiple championships. Except for Greg Oden. Pierce has more rings than he does.

Rob said...

Scoreboard? I see the Lakers at 9-1 and the Celtics somewhere below that. Oh you are talking about the past? Well I'm seeing Kobe, 3 rings, Paulie, 1 ring.

Jim said...

let's not get into the whole who has more rings than who thing. That would just be petty.

Cheeth said...

Does anyone on here use Twitter? If you do, I recommend following Shaq's many short comments, sampled below:

THE_REAL_SHAQ A goal without a plan is just a wish, control your wishes Shaquille o'neal about 21 hours ago from txt

THE_REAL_SHAQ I called my main man figs son bcuz da xcellence of a gift lies n its approiateness ratha than its value about 21 hours ago from txt

THE_REAL_SHAQ My genius is 1 percent inspiration 99 percent perspiration Shaquille o'neal about 21 hours ago from txt

THE_REAL_SHAQ Everyone was born a genius, i only kept mine a few minutes, lol about 21 hours ago from txt

THE_REAL_SHAQ Characther is what u have left , when u have lost everything u can lose Evan esar (1899-1995) about 21 hours ago from txt

THE_REAL_SHAQ Watchn true blood, thats were i was born and raised, dat vampire town, shaqula has been discovered aaaaggggh about 22 hours ago from txt



THE_REAL_SHAQ @juliediamonds uv course it is about 23 hours ago from txt

THE_REAL_SHAQ @davidadewami kobe is a beast dude, the best player n da game, i admit , i miss playin wit him about 23 hours ago from txt