Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Two “Sports” That Are Not Sports

Boyd wrote a post a while back about what constitutes a sport. Did you know that speed walking is considered a sport? Well, the technical term is racewalking, but it is considered a sport, or at least an athletic event. Since no one defends a goal of any kind, we’ll call it an athletic event. Racewalking is an Olympic event, and has been since 1908! The fact that this is an event at the Olympics should shatter all credibility for the games (even moreso than the Chinese gymnasts who had their Huggies protruding from their leotards). In racewalking, one must keep a foot in contact with the ground at all times and judges are on hand to monitor a racewalker’s form. They even hand out red cards for violation of rules. Similar to soccer, which also sucks.

Racewalking has been around since the late 1800s and it has sucked for just as long. How is this considered a sport? Watch how these people swing their arms like they’re part of a retard gang doing a pimp walk. While looking up information on racewalking I came across a blog written by an apparently famous racewalker. She went on some diatribe about how jogging sucks and she insults joggers by telling them that jogging is bad for your knees and that they must buy their shoes at “Joggertown.” If racewalkers are all this clever and run smack like that then you can count me in. Where do I sign up? There are many resources available to the speed walker, such as books, how-to DVDs, and classes. For those of you who are interested, click here.

This clip sums it up beautifully.

This brings me to my all-time favorite “sport” - NASCAR. NASCAR is flat-out unacceptable. What family time could be better than Cletus teaching his son how to be an athlete by sitting him in a Fisher Price car and having him learn to turn the wheel to the left? I must give credit where credit is due: NASCAR has influenced society in positive ways, including street racing, window stickers, Calvin pissing on a Ford logo, cars with no mufflers, and the Confederate Flag.

The other day I had a neighbor invite me to his house to watch a race on a Sunday afternoon. He says, “I know you’re a big sports guy, so I thought maybe you’d want to come watch Nascar with us this Sunday.” After I stopped laughing I politely declined. Amongst all my dislike for Nascar, I must admit that any “sport” that markets specifically to rednecks has a certain charm. Kentucky Fried Chicken advertised and sold NASCAR collectible buckets of chicken. This is ingenious - everyone knows that the NASCAR-loving segment of the population is enormous within the fried chicken-purchasing population. What other population would run out to buy chicken because someone stamped collectible on the side next to a picture of a guy wearing a thick bodysuit while sporting a great cropduster? Tennis fan certainly wouldn’t flock to KFC with their Polo collars popped to get collectible Pete Sampras buckets.

I don’t know how many people are going to read this post, but it’s inevitable that some noob is going to get on here and tell me that I’m ignorant and that I have no idea how hard racing is, that I've disrespected the South or rednecks, or that I'm an idiot who just wants to complain about something. I know, I know, NASCAR is a 200mph chess match and holding the wheel to the left while putting your foot down on a pedal requires loads of athletic ability. Watching all these advertisements on wheel is like watching a crappy 3-hour commercial. And people actually pay to see it. I’m not trying to convince anyone not to watch NASCAR. If you like it, fine. But don’t tell me that it’s a sport and don’t tell me the drivers are athletes. If you rednecks leave a comment, please at least try to be coherent. I'm tired - Goodnight, now.


Anonymous said...

adding to the non-sports videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAPXGuRIXsA

Anonymous said...

I will agree 100% with you that Nascar is NOT a sport, and boring as hell to watch. However, it has been proven that Nascar drivers have some of the best reaction time amongst any athlete of any REAL sport. So, I guess Nascar is a spectator activity run by quick actioned semi-athletes.

Anonymous said...

I agree with this post 100%, but you went too PC on this. Instead of focusing on rednecks you could have generalized this to the entire South. The South fucking sucks and NASCAR is proof, along with crunk music, Michael Vick, and George W. Bush, all great products given us by the South. Keep it up though, I enjoyed it.


A Yankee from up North

Boyd said...

I think you got it wrong. NASCAR didn't influence the confederate flag it was the other way around.

Che said...


I agree with your analysis of Nascar 100%, the saddest part being that popularity has shifted this 5 hour commercial onto network television, cutting out athletic events that are actually watchable like NFL football and PBA bowling.

As for the Yankee up North, I can't outright agree with you because, frankly, your argument comes off a little too redneck. But that would be a great socio-economic discussion - how would my life be different if we had just let the South secede? No doubt it would be much better: hip hop would still be good, no Nascar, no KKK, and no more of those assholes who think they've accomplished something because they came from Texas (that includes Texas college football). And I can't think of any Southern contribution that benefits my life: no need for grits, of pork rhines, or . . . wait a minute, is the Monte Cristo a southern sandwich? If so, that alone is a legitimate reason to put up with the South in the Union.

Stay sweet -