Makings Of A Sports Fan

My post today will serve as an introduction, as I am new to the Jockstrap family. I thought it would be both insightful and helpful to the readers of this blog if each of you knew a little more about me and what makes me tick as a sports fan. I am a long time Celtics, Mets, and Bears fan. I have often had to defend my status as a fan of these franchises over the years and I will do so now in hopes that I will never have to be accused of being a bandwagon jumper (in the case of the Celtics winning a championship last year, and the Bears going to the Super Bowl two years ago) or a retard (in the case of the Mets, Bears, and Celtics sucking it up for the better part of two decades).

I proceed with a brief life history in hopes of defending my teams:

It was September 1985. I was nine years old and in the autumn of my youth. Before this time I had never had any real interest in sports, but as my interest grew I was forced into picking a team, as it is not customary in our Country to watch sports without first choosing sides. At this time of year the NFL was starting up and as I surveyed the teams available to me it was evident that one stood out from the rest. The 1985 Chicago Bears were known for their swarming often stifling defense. I had never seen anything like the Bear’s defense before and am comfortable saying that I have never seen anything like it since. Watch the Bears perform “The Super Bowl Shuffle” and tell me that in the infancy of rap music that wasn’t the sweetest thing you had ever seen, I defy you. I watched the Bears dismantle opponents throughout the season and then shut out the competition in the playoffs until reaching Super Bowl XX on January 26, 1986 where they destroyed the Patriots 46-10. Mike Singletary, Richard Dent, William “the Refrigerator” Perry, Jim McMahon, Willie Gault, and Walter Payton; there was so much to love about this team and I have to admit, I was hooked from the word go.

When football was over I discovered that the NBA was already in full swing. Basketball is the love of my life. It’s true I’ve had affairs with other sports (damn you volleyball), but basketball has always held my love and forgiven my cheating heart. Right away I was forced to look at the Utah Jazz as a possible team worthy of my undying loyalty, as I live in Utah and it always makes it easier if you root for the home team. Bobby Hansen, Carey Scurry, Pace Mannion, and Marc Iavaroni should speak volumes as to why I did not choose the Jazz as my team. If you need more evidence as to why I did not choose to root for the Jazz, check out Karl Malone’s draft day suit. ‘Nuff said. There was a team however that peaked my interests right away. The 1985/86 Boston Celtics had it all. My mom is from Ireland so being half Irish I was instantly drawn to the shamrocks, Lucky the Leprechaun, and the beautiful green and white uniforms. Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Robert Parrish, Dennis Johnson, and a 67-15 regular season record all made the Celtics an easy choice for me. Bird was magnificent winning his third straight MVP award in ’86 and when the C’s won the Championship in June I was instantly made a fan for life.

Baseball started in April of 1986. The New York Mets were brash, over confident, and extremely talented. They talked the talk, but then they definitely walked the walk. Doc Gooden was awesome (damn you cocaine), Darryl Strawberry was unstoppable (damn you cocaine), Keith Hernandez was Keith Hernandez (damn you molestache), and Lenny Dykstra was “Nails”. 108-54 was a totally dominate regular season record, they played well in the playoffs, got a little lucky (thank you Bill Buckner), and won the Championship in October 1986 making them my favorite baseball team and giving me the 1986 Championship Holy Trinity of the Bears, the Celtics, and the Mets. You see, I had no choice in the matter. Because 1986 was the year of my sports enlightenment, and because I had no way of knowing what the next twenty plus years would bring, my hand was forced. Boyd is my little brother so he had no choice either because we all know that it is the order of the universe that a little brother must do whatever his older brother says or suffer the consequences.

So there you have it. Twenty-two years ago I made my choices and I have never looked back. I have suffered greatly because of my teams (why did you have to die Reggie Lewis—damn you again cocaine! DAMN YOU!!), and I have had a few great moments (thank you KG and Ray Allen, thank you), but through it all I have never jumped off of a sinking ship and the only championship bandwagon on to which I have ever jumped were the wagons belonging to the three sweet champions of 1986 and then, I was only a foolish kid with stars in my eyes and my whole life ahead of me. Can anyone blame me for that?

The Greatest Hair in Sports

It's an addiction - I can't stop harping on hair. It's probably because I don't have any at this point in my life. First it was facial hair. Today I set out to do a Best Athlete Mullets column, but in the process of developing the post I found that I would be limiting a deep talent pool if I limited the list to mullets. The post evolved into something along the lines of Greatest Hair in Sports. I don't really know what else to call it. For this project, greatest will be assessed according to a few variables: innovation, style, longevity, flexibility, ridiculousness, and generally adding to the aura or greatness of the athlete’s legacy. I have decided not to sort this list into any specific order, but would appreciate any feedback on who deserves the top spot (including any I may have missed). I have tried to represent each major sport here.


Tiger Woods
It looks like Tiger is attempting some type of leopard or jaguar pattern with this spotted mane. I'm surprised he didn't dye a Nike swoosh into the side of his head.


Deion Sanders
Deion’s early hair style is in the vein of the 40-year-old virgin, A.C. Green, but Deion gets the pub here because of his swagger. Combine this amazing jheri curl with bling, a rap video, and great dancing, and Prime Time is in a class of his own. Deion even attempted to turn the jheri curl into a mullet, with mixed results.


Andre Agassi
Thick and lustrous, Andre Agassi had hair that most women would kill for. He quickly became a star in the tennis world, in no small part due to his beautiful locks. In an unfortunate twist of fate, Andre began to lose his hair and he now sports the shaved look. It seems that Agassi was a reverse-Sampson – after shaving his head he won 6 of his 8 Grand Slams. However, this should not put a damper on the legacy of his earlier hairstyle.


Jaromir Jagr
This mullet is flat out spectacular. From the way he puffed it up in the front like women used to do in the mid-80s (and the way southern women still do) to the slicked back sides, Jagr’s hair curtain is tremendous. Words cannot do it justice, so I’ll let this picture do the talking.


Oscar Gamble
How Oscar managed to somehow smash this fro into a baseball cap is beyond me. It is unfortunate that baseball players are required to wear hats because this hair deserved to be celebrated and unleashed. Gamble’s fro was innovative and stylish while maintaining longevity as a style to be reckoned with for years to come.


Scott Pollard
Pollard has had so many hairstyles that a list could be composed of the best hairdos of Scott Pollard. This particular one will suffice for this post, but please recognize the creativity of this man. He has gone blonde, bald, Mohawk, and long, all while being just as creative with his facial hair. Pollard truly is a forerunner.


Dennis Rodman
The Worm gets some love here for being a harbinger. I remember playing NBA Live 96 and wondering what color of hair Rodman would have each game. Rodman’s hair transcends basketball in that it, combined with his ridiculous antics, made him a household name.


Larry Bird
I can’t go without mentioning Larry on this list. Larry’s hair was similar to his game in certain respects: fundamental, not too flashy, unattractive, yet surprisingly impressive. Bird’s hair only adds to his greatness – he looks like the last guy you’d choose in a pickup game (if he weren’t 6-9, but you get the gist) but he’d light you up all game long and tell you about it the entire time.


Mel Kiper
Kiper’s perfectly sculpted hair is a thing of beauty, rivaled only by Steve Lavin and Pat Riley. Kiper makes the list over those two because of the 90210-esque height obtained on the front wave. Mel’s hair allows him to be relevant more than one day a year.


Alexi Lalas
I am not a soccer fan. In fact, I hate the sport. That said, soccer brings a tremendous wealth of ridiculous hairdos to choose from for this list. I eventually went with Lalas because of the combination great hair-great goatee. The fact that both are the same exact shade of red is also impressive.


Dr. J
Julius Erving rocked an amazing afro. Long, supple, buoyant, and versatile, the Dr. J fro paved the way for players such as Ben Wallace and Josh Childress, who sport afros that are nowhere near the quality of Erving’s.


Randy Johnson
I have to use the obvious joke here and mention The Big Unit's shlong (short in front - long in the back). Randy presents with a stellar mullet that is a bit longer on the sides than the traditional mullet. This provides added versatility – the sides are more easily slicked back for black tie affairs, such as the ESPY’s. The fact that his tress also happens to be quite curly adds to the look.


Pedro Martinez
Pedro combined the Holy Trinity of hairstyles in his early career, bringing a Dominican flair to the afro/mullet/jheri curl combination. You can’t tell me that standing in the box with Pedro on the mound sporting that triad wouldn’t intimidate the crap out of you. How else could such a small guy stand on the hill and be considered a power pitcher? What a weapon.


Rick Fox
Quite possibly the most impressive follicular specimen on this list, Rick Fox is flat out beautiful. Or so I have been told. I know his ex-wife is beautiful. Anyone who appears to use more hair products than his beauty queen wife must be included. Plus he’s gorgeous.


Brian Bosworth
The coiffure of the Boz was astounding. Bosworth is like Scott Pollard in the sense that each was able to consistently show up with any hairstyle and have it be impressive. Plus, the Boz was one of many Seattle Seahawks draft picks to never pan out. As a Seattle fan, he holds a special place in my heart.


Adam Morrison/Steve Nash
Why neither of these two does a shampoo commercial is beyond me. This flowing hairstyle hearkens back to the days of Peter, James, and John. Speaking of Biblical times, I am reminded of Songs of Solomon 4:1 – “Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.” I don’t know what that means, but I respect it.


Boyd
PlayBoyd is an excellent athlete, no doubt. Try and get through a pick-and-roll with Boyd or defend his unlimited range on the perimeter and tell me he isn’t an athletic exemplar. It can’t be done. Add to that a frohawk-substantial beard combination that makes him look like a serial killer and screams intimidation, and Boyd is nigh unstoppable.

NBA Predictions

With the NBA season around the corner, it’s prediction time.

Atlantic Division:
It’s pretty clear that the Celtics are the frontrunner in this division. Rondo is severely underrated and the Big Three play off of each other better than most people expected. KG is still the best big man in basketball and Paul Pierce has been underrated for a long time (I will assume that has changed after last year). The Celtics might be pushed by two division foes, Philadelphia and Toronto. How will Chris Bosh and Jermaine O’Neal fare together? If those two mesh well, with Calderon distributing the ball, Toronto can pose an interesting challenge to the Celts. The Sixers have a solid nucleus with Dalembert and Brand up front and Andre Miller and Iguodala on the perimeter. The Celtics will win the division, but Toronto and Philly might make things interesting.

Central Division:
I like Cleveland to win this division even though the Pistons have won six of the last seven division titles. The Cavs continue to show their toughness in the playoffs and it will finally translate to a more consistent regular season this year. Mo’ Williams was a good pickup for this team and losing Larry Hughes only makes them better. The Cavs are above average defensively and are a great rebounding team, both antidotes to solving the Pistons. I also think that the Cavs will trade Wally Szczerbiak and his expiring contract for some help, which will get them over the hump that is the Pistons. The other three teams in this division suck, but I’ll be interested to watch the progress of Derrick Rose. Rose is amazingly athletic and if he develops a better midrange game he can be dangerous.

Southeast Division:
This division is tough because Orlando, Washington, and Atlanta can all be good this year. It seems the trendy pick is Orlando, but I’m predicting the Hawks to put it together and pull off the division title. Joe Johnson took a step back last year, but he began to get back to form at the end of the season. With more time playing next to Bibby, Johnson will have a big season. Added to that are the constantly improving Al Horford and Josh Smith. Atlanta is the pick because I don’t see Orlando and Washington improving much, if at all. This division has many points of interest: Will D-Wade stay healthy? How good will Michael Beasley be? What will Arenas do to improve his already stellar track record of awesomeness? Will Caron Butler start to be recognized as one of the best players in the league?

Eastern Conference Finals:
Celtics over Cavaliers. The Cavs are a tremendously tough playoff out, as they proved last year. James will put up some big numbers, but so will Pierce and the Big Ticket. Boston will knock Cleveland out of the playoffs again, this time in the conference finals.


Northwest Division:
The Jazz will win this division and it won’t be all that close. The Nuggets will drop off this year, the Wolves are a few years away, and the Nothing Interesting Geographically About Us's suck. The Trail Blazers might do some good things this year, and could very well win an NBA title in the near future, but they probably won’t fully put it together this year. The Jazz are stacked and experienced. Deron Williams is in the discussion for best point guard in the league, Boozer is a brute, Okur drives a yellow Ferrari Maranello, and AK 47 does a little bit of everything, including one woman a year as approved by his wife. What holds the Jazz back is their interior defense. Okur can defend occasionally, and Boozer plays matador defense. If the Jazz improve in this area they could legitimately challenge for the NBA Championship.

Pacific Division:
The Lakers are the class of the Pacific, with the only potential challenge coming from the Suns. The Suns-Lakers rivalry just keeps getting better, especially with Shaq now added to the mix. Amare was ridiculous toward the end of last season and could lead the league in scoring this year, and Nash is still a top 3 or 4 point guard. But the Lakers are just too talented and deep. Kobe, Odom, Gasol, and Andrew Bynum is a pretty sick quartet. Add to that Fisher, Farmar, Vujabic, Walton, and Ariza, and you have an impressively deep team. The Lakers are the class of the division - and the conference.

Southwest Division:
This is the toughest division to forecast. How will the Rockets fare? Will T-Mac or Yao actually stay healthy? Will Artest fit in well? Can the Spurs bounce back? Are the Hornets just a flash in the pan? Will Kidd finally mesh with the rest of the Mavs and give them a chance to take the division? My gut tells me to pick the Spurs, but I’m going to ignore it and go with the Hornets. I just can’t pick the Spurs with Ginobili out for a while. New Orleans will again be good and Chris Paul is expanding what is expected of point guards in the NBA because he does everything. I kept waiting for this team to fall off last year but it never happened. They got needed playoff experience and will again make a nice run.

Western Conference Finals:
Lakers over Jazz. I like the Spurs to be the toughest matchup for the Lake Show, but that will happen in the second round after New Orleans wins the division. I am predicting the Lakers to be the top seed in the West and have the homecourt, which is especially valuable in this matchup. The Jazz match up well with the Lakers and have experience, but in the end Kobe returns to the Finals.


NBA Finals:
Celtics over Lakers. I go with Boston to repeat for several reasons. The last team to win the NBA championship after losing in the Finals in the previous season was the 1989 Detroit Pistons, and I don’t expect L.A. to buck the trend. Kobe is attempting to play out an entire season with an injured finger. How will Bynum fit into an offense that worked so well without him last year? The Celtics showed their mettle last season by winning two game sevens and then beating Pistons and Lakers teams that many thought would win each series, and Boston is better defensively and on the glass than are the Lakers. The Celtics will hang another banner in the rafters.


League MVP:
LeBron James. LeBron is off the charts statistically, and with the help of Mo Williams this season the Cavs will win the Central Division. James just keeps getting better and the sky is the limit - which is insane. James will beat out Kobe and Paul to win the MVP this year.

Best rookie:
Greg Oden. He won’t win the rookie of the year award (Beasley’s stats will be too impressive), but he’s a game changer on both ends of the court. Oden is a tremendous rebounder and shot blocker with an expanding offensive game. He’s going to score in double figures just off of offensive rebounds, so what happens when he develops more of a post repertoire? He’ll take his licks early, but Oden has already proved that he responds to challenges: He went for 25 and 12, with 4 blocks in the NCAA Championship game against Joakim Noah and Al Horford, both lottery picks. Oden is the real deal.

Breakout Star:
Al Thornton. Thornton put up 12.7 ppg and 4.5 rpg as a rookie last year, and with Corey Maggette moving to Golden State, Thornton’s game and numbers will improve. Of course, this is assuming that he gets some touches while playing next to a chucker like Baron Davis.

The Best Nicknames in Sports

So, PlayBoyd is a bit of a comparison slut. I’m good with that – I’d actually send some compensation his direction if I could. I, on the other hand, compromise my integrity in the form of lists. I make lists of everything and can pull out a top ten list of just about anything pretty quickly. The list might suck, but I'll attempt it anyway. Speaking of PlayBoyd, I love a good nickname. Sports has always been great for nicknames, but there are too many lackluster nicknames out there right now. We don’t even bother to be creative anymore: A-Rod, K-Rod, KG, LT, TO, T-Mac. I know Chris Berman (love him or hate him) is a big proponent of the nickname, and he attempts to be clever, but we need more forerunners in coming up with some good ones. So, it’s list time. I offer up the Ten Best Nicknames in Sports. “Best” is defined by one thing: what I feel deserves mention, and this list is not confined to current sports stars. That said, I’m sure I missed some, so please feel free to add to the list.


10. The Nigerian Nightmare
Anyone who has played Tecmo Super Bowl knows all about Chrisian Okoye, the Nigerian Nightmare. Boyd, in recognizing the dominance that is Okoye, wrote this: “I will actually purposefully run at the defenders to watch them bounce off Okoye like bullets off Superman.” The nickname is just top notch.


9. Vanilla Sky
Joe Alexander, recently drafted by the Milwaukee Bucks, has been dubbed Vanilla Sky because of his leaping ability (or as my boy Stuart Scott would say, his mad ups) and his vast Whiteness, both of which are very impressive. I hope Alexander makes it in this league just for this nickname.


8. The Mailman
This is actually one of the worst nicknames of all time. I just put it on this list so that I could point that out. I grew up around Jazz fans who thought that this nickname was the shiz, but it isn’t. It’s stupid. A bunch of my friends looked at Karl Malone as their hero. Malone was a great player, but he was no hero. To quote Stephen King: "Any fool with fast hands can grab a tiger by the balls, but it takes a hero to keep squeezing." Malone would never keep squeezing - he would let the boys slip out of his grasp just when it got important. I can’t believe The Mailman stuck. The Jazz have had some great nicknames in the past – The Pasty Gangster (Stockton), Horny (Hornacek), and AK-47 (Kirilenko) – but The Mailman just isn’t one of them. Plus his hand behind the head dunk was gay. I commend Jim for making fun of it when he gets the chance. Well done.


7. The Refrigerator
At one point William Perry was pushing 4 bills. What better nickname for a fat guy than the refrigerator? I’m sure someone can come up with one, but I can’t. Mike Ditka putting Perry in the backfield was just pure genius. Who could have tackled the Fridge? But after seeing Manute Bol kick Perry’s ace in a celebrity boxing match, I’m guessing he may not be as difficult to bring down as I originally thought. As a side note, why does the word fridge have a d in it but refrigerator doesn’t? Just curious…


6. He Hate Me
The only memorable thing to come out of the XFL is Rod Smark, aka, He Hate Me. Who else has made such an impact just because of a nickname? Smart never really did anything special, but almost everyone knows who he is just because of the nickname. Mark Cuban spun the nickname into He Fine Me because of the gross sums of money Cuban was required to pay the NBA due to fines.


5. The Truth
There really isn’t much to say about this nickname other than it is awesome. Paul Pierce is the truth. Anyone who has been stabbed 11 times and appeared in a 504 Boyz music video must be the truth. Plus the nickname was given to him by the Shaq Diesel. On March 13, 2001, the Lakers beat the Celtics 112-107 and Pierce dropped 42 in the game. After the game, Shaq pulled a Boston reporter aside and said: "Take this down. My name is Shaquille O'Neal, and Paul Pierce is the motherf***ing truth. Quote me on that, and don't take nothing out. I knew he could play, but I didn't know he could play like this. Paul Pierce is the truth." When the Diesel says that about someone, how can we doubt?


4. Agent Zero/Hibachi
Gilbert Arenas might be the most awesome player in the NBA. He has generally been known as Agent Zero, but Arenas has begun to yell out “hibachi” in games when he gets hot (fyi, hibachi translates to “bowl of fire” and is a reference to the Japanese grill). After hitting a game-winning three against the Bucks in 2007, Arenas was asked if he yelled out hibachi. He replied, that he didn’t, but “my swag was phenomenal.” Classic. Arenas has been quoted as saying that he would hang 84 or 85 on Duke if he could play against Shishefski’s team. Agent Zero has admitted to occasionally playing video poker at halftime of games. Arenas even told Esquire magazine that while on a team road trip, he bought a Colon Cleanser off of an infomercial while the rest of the team was out on a team outing. You can’t make this stuff up. Arenas is a well of greatness that, I can only hope, will never dry up.


3. The Human Victory Cigar
The shame of Darko Milicic may never end. Darko was given this nickname when playing for Larry Brown in Detroit. Because he was often the last man off the bench and only got playing time when the Pistons had an insurmountable lead, Darko became known as the Human Victory Cigar. Whoever came up with that is brilliant.


2. Basketball Jesus
Larry Bird was more commonly known as Larry Legend or The Hick From French Lick, but he was coined Basketball Jesus by one of his apostles, ESPN’s Bob Simmons. Growing up as a Lakers fan made it tough for me to like Bird, but learning of his storied trash-talking has vaulted him to one of my favorite players of all time. Some brief examples of why Bird is Basketball Jesus: Late in a game against the Sonics, Bird pointed at a spot on the floor and told Xavier McDaniel that he would hit the game winning shot from that spot. Larry did just that. Before a Celtics-Pacers game on Christmas Day, Basketball Jesus told Chuck Person that he had a Christmas present for him. When Chuck was on the pine running his mouth at Larry, Bird got the ball right in front of the Indiana bench. Larry shot the ball and as soon as the ball was out of his hands, he turned around and said, “Merry F***ing Christmas, Chuck.” The shot swished. Cussing aside, only a Basketball Jesus could pull off such miracles.


1. The Big Unit
This gets the number one spot on my list not just because of its phallic nature, but because it fits Randy. Who else could be called The Big Unit but a man who pushes seven feet, is supremely ugly, and rocks a bad mullet/hair curtain. The Big Unit is my favorite nickname of all time, bar none.

Can the Bengals or Lions actually pull it off?

Last year we saw the New England Patriots go through an NFL season undefeated. This year, with no great teams, can someone pull off the reverse? Seeing a team go 0-16 should be considered nearly as impressive as what the Patriots did last season, especially when you consider the parity in the NFL. As bad as they were, the Dolphins couldn't even do it last year. It would take a concerted effort to go winless throughout an entire season, so I don't know if it can actually be done, but there are two remaining candidates this year: the 0-6 Lions and the 0-7 Bengals. Even though the Bengals are one game ahead of Detroit, I submit that the Lions have a better shot to finish the 2008 season winless, leaving Lions fans to long for the days of Matt Millen in the front office.

The Bengals could really go winless, especially considering injuries to the back seven on defense and Carson Palmer at QB. The Bengals have kept several games close this season, leading me to believe that they will screw up and get a victory at some point this year. They even took the Super Bowl Champion Giants to OT at the Meadowlands. That shows me that this team is not committed to losing and will likely blow the streak somewhere down the line. Plus, the schedule provides some upset opportunities: Houston, Baltimore, Cleveland, and (especially) Kansas City. Cincinnati has shown a tendency to lose focus in the past, and if they do so again, it could mean a win. I think the Bengals pull off at least two wins, especially if Carson Palmer returns anytime soon.

The Lions can make a legitimate case for a completely blemished record. The schedule does them no favors. The rest of the schedule is as follows: Washington (5-2), Chicago (4-3), Jacksonville (3-3), Carolina (5-2), Tampa Bay (5-2), Tennessee (6-0), Minnesota (3-4), Indianapolis (3-3), New Orleans (3-4), and Green Bay (4-3). Who is Detroit going to beat? Chicago or Minnesota would be my best guess, but I don't see that either. Detroit has lost to both of them already this year by a combined score of 46-17. The Lions basically tossed out their QB, Jon Kitna, and are now starting Dan Orlovsky. Dating back to last season, the Lions have lost 13 of their last 14. They have not scored in the first quarter yet this season. Not even a field goal. The Lions have only 3 rushing TDs so far this season. The average score of a Lions game this year: Opponent 31, Detroit 16. The average losing by more than two touchdowns a game.

The Lions can really pull this off, and I fully support them in this endeavor. They haven't made the playoff since the 1990s, so history shows that the Lions have the pedigree to pull this off. They rank 27th in total offense and dead last in total defense. At the end of the year, this might be the highlight of the season for Detroit -

My Least Favorite Things

I’m more than a little pissed off about the Dodgers laying down against the Phillies, so today I'm doing something cathartic. I was over at a neighbor’s house the other day and their children were watching The Sound of Music. In honor of that movie, here is a list of My Least Favorite Things. Boyd sang a little jingle when I told him about this list, so please, imagine his lovely voice singing “These are a few of my least favorite things” in the vein of The Sound of Music. I personally guarantee that it will make this read more enjoyable.


A Philadelphia - Tampa Bay World Series. I would rather shave my head with a cheese grater than watch these two teams in the fall classic. What an absolute sack of crap.


Tyler Hansbrough. This guy plays basketball like he is on a crack/heroine cocktail. Even though he could kick the tar out of me, I’d try to fight him if I ever saw him. That would be a stupid decision, but I’ve never claimed to not be an idiot.


Overly excited announcers. I get so sick of the announcers that get all excited about a field goal in the first quarter or a three pointer to tie a game at 14. It’s the first freaking quarter! Quit getting all giddy like a virgin on your wedding night.


Manu Ginobili. Quit flopping, sack up, and play ball like a man. He’s even worse than Vujabic.


That Latrell Sprewell is no longer in the NBA. Anyone with Sprewell’s track record should be in the league for entertainment value if nothing else. Anyone who chokes his coach and complains that $7 million a year is an insult because he's "got a family to feed" needs to be in the league.


Car racing. This isn’t even a sport, so it doesn’t really deserve mention on this site. It is one of my least favorite things, so it gets a spot. I love that they try to make it like hockey and glorify the upset drivers going and punching each other after a race. We see that every day on the road anyway, so why pay for it? I just hope other sports don’t start following the Nascar trend by deciding to put every logo and sponsor on their uniforms. Any sport where girls can compete at the same level as guys has to suck.


Local radio shows. Is there a local radio show anywhere that doesn’t blow? Please let me know, because I can personally verify that all the shows here are worthless. We have Monson and Graham, the Manly Morning Show, David Locke, etc. They all suck. PlayBoyd and I could do a better show than any of them, guaranteed. And please don’t get on the comments section and tell me that it’s harder than I would think. It’s not. Boyd and I can have sports conversations that are entertaining for hours. And you would all love it.


People who think LeBron is better than Kobe. I know there are a lot of you out there, including Boyd, but LBJ is not as good as Kobe. He’s a better athlete, but he’s not a better basketball player. Boyd will get on here and talk about PER or some other stat that shows how great LeBron is - and he is great - but Kobe Bryant is a better basketball player than King James. He’s also a better A-hole.


Any college football team in the state of Florida. This includes UCF and USF. Miami’s players are a bunch of thugs and pedophiles.


Curt Schilling. Will he ever shut the hell up? One can only hope... This guy reminds me of a certain quarterback I have grown to loathe that can’t handle not being in the spotlight.


Brett Farve. Save the spelling comments, retard. I just want Brett to go spend his time pimping Wrangler and riding his John Deere instead of on my television.


Will Ferrell. I’m calling this sports related because of some sports movies he has made. Ferrell is the most overrated comedy actor on the planet. Can he even make one movie without stripping down to his drawers? Apparently other people find it funny, so I assume the answer is no. I’m not the only one who thinks Will blows.


The “if” argument. I get so sick of delusional fans who say, “if Wazzou plays great defense and gets 6 turnovers, I think they might have a chance to beat USC” or “if the outside shot is falling the Knicks could beat the Celtics in a seven game series.” We always hear these idiots on the radio shows when they call in and argue with the host. Enough. In the words of the Pimp in the Box, "if my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle." If just doesn’t matter...


Ballers and tattoos. Pretty much every superstar in the NBA is tatted up. Allen Iverson looks like a subway in Harlem with all his graffiti.


Shaq getting old. Watching Shaq dominate in the post by dropping an elbow or a forearm shiver on smaller defenders has been one of the joys of my sports upbringing. The fact that he is getting old and can’t do those things as well anymore is tough for me. At least he breaks out the occasional Shaq sprint down the court to keep me happy.


The Denver Nuggets road uniforms. That shiny light blue is just gay, pure and simple.


Those elbow bands that all football players wear. Do they serve a purpose other than to show off your swell? As far as I know, the entire purpose of these Ulimate Warrior ribbons is to pinch your arms to make you look buff. That just irritates me. On the other hand, I love a good tinted visor.


The chest pound. Pau Gasol is the worst when it comes to this. I wonder, is it possible for a white guy to actually come off as tough when doing this? The next guy on this list could pull it off.



Chuck Norris. Okay, I lied - Chuck Norris shouldn't be on this list. Chuck Norris rules. Did you know that 94% of the women in the USA lose their virginity to Chuck Norris? The other 6% are fat and ugly.




You want to [insert idea/term here]? This is not sports related but it deserves mention. I can’t stand when someone asks you if you want to do something that you obviously don’t want to do. My wife will ask, “do you want to help me clean up the front room?” I’ll respond with, “not particularly.” That never goes well. The cycle repeats itself and I always end up in trouble. My question of, “you want to have sex” never seems to get the response I’m looking for either.



People who think Lance Armstrong is the greatest athlete alive. Get the hell out of here, Lance is not even close to the greatest athlete on the planet. I would honestly have a hard time putting him in my top 50. Riding a bike really far and for a long time does not make you an athlete. It just means you’re good at exercise.


NBA ticket prices. I have to take out a freaking student loan just to go to a game. Pisses me off.


Sweat bands. Now, I don’t dislike sweat bands when you’re actually playing ball and using them for a purpose, but if you’re wearing one that matches your little outfit as a fashion statement, then I hate you. You look like a Jack A with your Hurley sweat band and your Polo shirt with the collar popped.


The spelling bee, poker, and bowling being shown on ESPN.


Quarterbacks that unbutton their chin strap on every play. I mostly hate this because Brett Farve does it, as well as all his proteges, specifically Aaron Rogers and Matt Hasselback. Just strap up fellas.


The WNBA. Enough already.


Fans who go to the game sober and leave with a .30+ blood alcohol level. Get drunk at home.


How many timeouts are called at the end of a close NBA game. This usually seems to happen when I need to put one of the kids to bed. I’ll tell my wife it’ll be just a minute because there are only 42 seconds left and ten minutes later my kid is screaming up something fierce.


Athletes with 7 kids from 6 different women. I know Calvin Murphy and Shawn Kemp are relatively prolific in the illegitimate child category, so I’ll go ahead and pimp those guys here. By the way, how did Wilt Chamberlain not father more children than Brigham Young?



It’s getting late and I’m just getting myself more and more fired up with this, so I’m going to end here. I hope the Phillies get in a plane crash and the Dodgers, as NL runner-up, can take their place in the World Series. And no, I won't feel bad if that actually happens. What the hell is a Phillie anyway?

College Football at Midseason

I thought about writing some type of hate post today because of how pissed I am about what happened to the Dodgers last night. As an effort to help me feel better, here are my thoughts about college football at midseason.


Best Player - Colt McCoy, Texas. It’s tough for me to pick McCoy over Sam Bradford of Oklahoma, but McCoy has been amazing. He is completing over 79% of his passes and has a TD-Int ratio of 17-3. Colt also has his team ranked at the top of the polls after beating Oklahoma. McCoy doesn’t have amazing yardage numbers because he has sat out the 4th so many times. McCoy also averages 5.9ypc, which is all the more impressive when you look at the fact that this statistic includes lost yardage due to sacks.

Most Impressive Team - This one is tough. Penn State, Texas, and Alabama have all been very impressive. I picked Oklahoma as the National Champ before the season started, so Texas beating them last week looks huge to me. Alabama won big at Georgia. The Clemson win isn’t looking so hot now that the Tigers went all Clemson on us by losing to teams they should beat. I have to go with Penn State on this because they have destroyed everyone they’ve played, including Oregon State (45-14), Illinois (38-24), and Wisconsin (48-7). If they get past Ohio State, Michigan State is the only team standing in their way of getting to the BCS Title game. I don’t think Penn State is the best team in the country, but they’ve been the most impressive so far.

Biggest Surprise - Penn State. I saw one preseason magazine pick them 7th in the Big Eleven. They had to break in a new quarterback and running back. With six offseason suspensions and questions about Paterno dying at any time, what they have done has to be considered a huge surprise. Don't old people always point with that finger?

Biggest Bust - There are four teams in contention for this title - Auburn, Clemson, Tennessee, and West Virginia. Auburn is 4-3, with losses to Vanderbilt and Arkansas. Clemson is 3-3 after being ranked in the preseason top 10 by everyone. Tennessee flat-out sucks - losing to UCLA is enough to verify that statement as doctrine. WV has lost to East Carolina and Colorado. I have to give the nod here to Tennessee, even though they weren’t in the preseason top 10 like the other three. Fulmer’s job is in some serious jeopardy after a 2-4 start. In the SEC that will lead to the student section going soccer/Raider fan on him and lobbing some urine balloons his way.

Most Impressive Win - The best win this year was Alabama’s destruction of Georgia on their own home field. Bama was up 31-0 at the half against the preseason #1 team in the country. That is awesome. I still think Nick Saban is a tremendous prick and I hope Bama doesn’t get anywhere near the SEC title game, let alone the BCS title game, but that win was impressive.

Best Non-BCS Team - Utah/BYU. I know this is a copout, but have watched both teams all season and cannot decide which team is better. At this point I would say that BYU passes the eyeball test while Utah has the more impressive resume at this point. After what I have seen happen over and over again this year, either of these teams being undefeated when they play each other at the end of the year should be considered extremely impressive. If this game were happening tomorrow and I were betting man, my money would be on Utah.

Fattest Coach - Ralph Friedgen, Maryland, and Mark Mangino, Kansas - tie. Both of these guys have to weigh in at over four bills. The fridge appears to have actually lost some weight, but he is still the size of a mail truck. Mangino looks like a walrus in many ways. This category makes no sense, but I needed a reason to put up a picture of this fan. Brilliant.


Most Overrated Player - Rey Maualuga, USC. Watch College Football Gameday and see how the broadcasters nearly reach climax while hyping Maualuga as if he is some kind of deity. The next time USC is on, watch Rey and see if he does much. He makes one or two big plays a game but disappears the rest of the time. However, he has done one thing that is absolutely classic. This picture of him at practice in a thong makes him an All-American in my book. When asked where he got the thong he said he got it from Brian Cushing's locker. Epic.

What the F Moment - Oregon State beating USC. I still can’t believe that happened. That’s what is great about college football, though. Anyone can lose at any time.




Random Thoughts:
I just want to point out that three of my five potential sleepers (from my preview post) are in the top 25: North Carolina, Oklahoma State, and Pittsburgh. Another one of my picks, Oregon State, beat the mighty Men of Troy. Maybe the Beavers aren’t as good as I thought they’d be, but at least they did something.

After touting my predicting abilities, I must mention my major failure. I listed Texas and Alabama each as teams getting too much hype. They happen to be ranked 1 and 2 right now. I suck.

Even though they are ranked #1 right now I still think Texas loses two games. They still play Kansas, Missouri, Oklahoma State, Texas Tech, and possibly the Big 12 Title game. They’ll lose two of those.

Enjoy watching Rick Neuheisel suck at UCLA this year. It won’t last long. Same goes for Rich Rodriguez at Michigan. Both of these schools will be perennial powers under those guys.

The Big East sucks.

The Big 12 is a better conference top to bottom than the SEC. I said it.

If it weren't for an injury, Beanie Wells would be the best player in college football. He has averaged over 7ypc in 3 of the 4 games he has played. He's the next Adrian Peterson - puts up huge numbers but is always banged up.

I get the feeling that even though USC lost to Oregon State, the Trojans will make it to the National Title game.

The Worst Broadcasters in Sports

Watching Sportscenter last night led to this: Who are the worst broadcasters in sports? Bryant Gumbel comes to mind. Tony Kornheiser and Tim McCarver are bad. Bob Cousy has the worst voice in broadcasting (at least I think that's who it is). Billy Raftery and Billy Packer are terrible, especially in combination. Keith Olbermann just tries way too hard to be funny. He'd definitely make a top ten list. I don't feel like doing ten, so here are my five least favorite broadcasters in all of sports. As always, I welcome feedback.

5. Bill Walton/Whomever it is on ESPN who keeps saying “winner, winner, chicken dinner”
I was going to go on and on about how annoying Bill is, but I need to give credit where it is due. Walton has overcome a severe stuttering problem and become a relatively prolific announcer. I have to respect that. That said, he still sucks. The guy on ESPN who drops the chicken dinner line at the end of the lead highlight really sucks. He gets me in a bad mood from the get-go, and I don’t like it. I don’t know who it is, but I hate him.

4. Stephen A. Smith
I really liked Stephen A at first, but that wore off quickly. He is similar to Dick Vitale in that he can’t say anything without yelling. He cuts people off all the time and he can’t take it when someone argues with him. Stephen A is a prime example of the tough guy/instigator – he just tries to yell and intimidate to make his point. Right before the NBA playoffs last year he was debating with Tim Legler about who would win the East. After Legler said he liked Boston to make it out of the East, Stephen A yelled at him, “I don’t care how good the big three is, the Celtics need a point guard.” He went on to pick Detroit. We all saw what actually happened. Not that this makes him a bad broadcaster, but it proves the point that Smith isn’t quite as infallible as he would have us believe. People generally don't like this guy. He had a comment at the bottom of a recent article that said: "If I could kill you or Osama Bin Laden, I would kill you and then Bin Laden and I would go have drinks to celebrate." Wow. Plus, when people make fun of him he continuously tells them to “get rid of the Haterade.” Good one, Stephen A! That’s almost as awesome as Ma$e rapping about people have their Ph.D. – player hating degree. Almost.

3. Dick Vitale
Vitale was recently inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame, so apparently I’m in the minority here, but Dickie-V is the most annoying sports announcer/analyst/play-by-play guy in all of broadcasting. I don’t understand why Vitale can’t just say what he has to say without yelling. He puts on an elaborate show that's as fake as Marky Mark's unit in Boogie Nights. I thought Dick's recent throat surgery would make it easier for me to enjoy college hoops on ESPN – that would be “awesome baby” – but he came back sooner than I’d hoped. The only saving grace is that CBS doesn’t have Dickie-V doing tournament games. Who helps this guy come up with his nicknames? Diaper Dandy? Dipsy-doo dunkeroo slam-jam-bam? Vitale not being on my TV anymore would be "super, scintillating, and sensational!"

2. Kevin Harlan
Kevin Harlan is my least favorite play-by-play man in all of sports. Period. He goes Gramatica on everyone when a player hits a 3 in the first quarter of an NBA game. “Right between the eyes – he’s an assassin!” I’d like to give Harlan one right between the eyes. He should have been on PlayBoyd’s fight list. Boyd could take Harlan, easy. Or how about when Kobe hits a shot to extend the lead in an important game – Harlan goes with the ever-popular, “Kobe, with no regard for human life!” He also used this line when LeBron threw it down on KG in the playoffs last year. All this did was serve to remind me why I hate Harlan so much. The fact that he does many of the playoff games on TNT makes it even worse. I would love to see Harlan in the octagon with whomever it is that gave Kimbo Slice the business last week...

1. Stuart Scott
Let me make this abundantly clear – Stuart Scott is not as cool as the other side of the pillow. It’s not just that he can look East and West at the same time, the interesting fashion sense, or the fact that Scott seems compelled to mention his alma mater (UNC) in every broadcast. I realize that Scott is trying to hit the “hip-hop youth demographic” that is important to Sportscenter, but he just comes off as idiotic. Scott using slang is about as natural as a White man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie. Scott is famous for terrible lines such as “holla at a playa when you see him in the street.” What does that mean Stuart? You’re losing the 20-29, White, Mormon demographic with lines like that. I just don’t understand the message. Or how about his impressively clever, “break out the Noxema because [insert player name here] is giving out free facials” when a player dunks on someone else? Wow, Stu, that's really hood. My dislike for Scott knows no bounds, and in the words of Chad Ocho Cinco – Boo No. I watched him on Sportscenter last night and I got sick of hearing “have some” every time someone hit a J in preseason basketball. Meatloaf has some for you, Stu.

Thoughts ... from the Jockstrap?

I’m writing this at three in the morning because my three year old is afraid of the mythical barking dog that is in the dirt in our front yard – Yet another good reason for me to not like dogs. Since I’m really tired and have a swamped day tomorrow, I’m just going with some random thoughts for today.


I created a list of the ugliest players in the NBA a while back that got some good feedback. I considered making a list of the ugliest players in the NFL until I saw a picture of Marshawn Lynch. He is the list. This guy might be the ugliest athlete in sports. Is anyone close? Really? Sam Cassell is one ugly son of a b, but I don’t think he’s even in the same league as Lynch. Thank goodness football players wear helmets… Lynch is so ugly he makes Michael Jackson – the White version – look like an Adonis. Wow.


Does anyone feel more stupid this week than Sage Rosenfels (the QB of the Texans)? With four minutes left and the Texans up on the Colts (27-17) and trying to run out the clock, Sage went ahead and fumbled twice and threw an interception. Oh, and one of the fumbles was returned for a touchdown. Final – Colts 31, Texans 27. Nice job, Sage.






As a Dodgers fan, I can’t pass up the opportunity to point out that the Cubs played exactly three more games than the San Diego Padres. Congrats, Cubs fan.







College football is awesome – this isn’t as amazing as the stepping on a guy you’d get in the NFL, but this is good stuff.





Did you hear about the Wisconsin Band? They were unable to attend Saturday’s game against The Ohio State because they have been suspended indefinitely. This is the same band that was put on probation in 2006. What must a band do to be put on probation or suspended indefinitely? Apparently, all the alcohol use, hazing, and “sexualized behavior.” How awesome is that? The band is making news for a sex scandal. This is one of the greatest things I have ever heard. Seriously. Now, I’m not saying that if you were in the school band that you were a dork, but the odds are pretty freaking good (please don't get all bent out of shape at that comment if you were in the band - I'm sure you are awesome). Have you seen most of the people in the school band? I’m guessing most of them are still in the V club for a good reason. What do they say to each other – “Hey, that uniform looks great on you, wanna go have sex?” This story is almost too good to be true…



Speaking of college football, I went to the BYU-Utah State game on Friday night. I recently posted a column about the different types of fans I have had the pleasure of encountering (I can’t believe I forgot to mention the statistician). After writing that, I decided to pay particular attention to which of those types of fans I saw at the game. Well, I saw most of them. I saw eye candy (not in the same league as at UCLA), the embarrassment (some for each team), the coach, the premature withdrawal, superior to the ref, and several attention seekers. I mention this only to confirm my earlier assessment and state that it may warrant further attention in the near future.

Rules of The Game

It appears that Boyd has once again managed to find some way to get some time off work, so we have asked his brother, Jim (an alleged logomaniac), to bring a little something to this site. As some of you may recall, Jim delivered a pretty awesome contribution to this site a while back, which you can read here. Anyone secure enough in his manhood to do an NBA's Prettiest article is welcome here.
- Taylor


As my little, and by little I mean younger, brother is about to go under the knife for yet another gut related surgery he asked me to step up to the proverbial plate and do a few posts during his absence. I accepted his invitation to write a few of my thoughts down for the enjoyment of the faithful followers of this magnificent blog. And without further ado, I proceed.

I am a lover of the game of basketball. I love the NBA, college hoops, the And-1 Mix Tape Tour, and even a good old pick-up game. I’ve played basketball my entire life. I played for the Hillsdale Elementary School Hawks, the Westlake Junior High Mustangs, the Granger High School Lancers, and many church basketball teams, including a Catholic League team called Saint Teresa’s when I was seventeen years old, even though I’m not a catholic, but a Mormon (I won MVP of that league, FYI). I’ve played on hardwood, asphalt, and concrete driveways all over this great country of ours. In Brazil I laced them up on a hard-packed dirt soccer pitch with a rim nailed to a tree over one of the goalposts, a piece of plywood used for the backboard.

So I guess you get the picture. I love basketball and will play it any time, any place, and any opportunity I get. In fact, I play a pick-up game with Boyd every Wednesday night at a church near his home. And it is because of an incident that happened last week at this very pick-up game, that I now write about some of the rules, both written and unwritten, that must be followed in order for me to enjoy myself while playing basketball with a bunch of dudes. Why is it important that I enjoy myself while playing, one might ask? Simple. I matter most to me. You may have other rules that are important to you, and if so, feel free to share, but these are my rules so lets get to them.

RULE #1
I am going to shoot a lot. It doesn’t matter if it’s my first night in the gym, or if I’ve never met anybody on the court before. If I get the ball, especially on the three-point line, there is a very high probability that the shot is going up. Fortunately, I am a good shooter so most of the time I make my shots, my team wins the game, and nobody has any complaints. Every so often though, I run into a bad shooting night and if the guys I’m playing with have never seen me make a fade-away baseline three-pointer before they’re going to question my shot selection and wonder why the old, semi-overweight dude keeps hoisting up shot after shot. I’m going to keep shooting regardless of my percentage because it’s rule number one, and I also heard a quote from some basketball theologian once that said you are being selfish if you’re open and don’t take the shot. I don’t know who said it, but I consider this man a genius, and I’ve made this quote a huge part of my personal creed.

RULE #2
You have to backcourt the ball on a missed shot or a steal if you have the unfortunate circumstance of having to play half-court basketball because of the lack of ten players. We are not in South America or some other country where basketball is still in its infancy and they don’t truly understand the correct rules of the game. Of course you’re going to get a lay-up if you steal a crosscourt pass in the middle of the key because you left you’re your guy to steal the pass and nobody is guarding you, and everybody expects you to backcourt the ball not just go in for the uncontested finger roll, you moron. If there is ever a question, just backcourt the ball and all will be well.

RULE #3
Shut the hell up and just play. Everybody who knows me knows that I am a lover, not a fighter. I shun confrontation and look to avoid controversy if at all possible. But if there is one thing that gets me steamed up faster than Sweet Lou Holtz after a touchdown on a missed defensive assignment, its when some dude who has never played before in a long running pick-up game shows up and starts yapping from the get go. Don’t complain about foul calls, don’t tell someone that they should have switched on that one, don’t clap for the ball on the perimeter and then complain of poor shot selection if you don’t get the ball on the kick-out. You don’t have a right to say anything to anybody until you’ve been showing up for at least a couple of weeks and even then I’d wait a little longer before you say anything to me. Don’t make me angry, you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Just shut your mouth and play basketball.

RULE #4
Call your own fouls, and call them both ways. I absolutely hate the dude that brings his high energy, physical brand of defense to a pick-up game and then takes the “offense calls fouls” rule to a whole new level of gayness. If the guy he is guarding is one of those guys who just doesn’t call fouls (like me), this defensive A-hole will push, slap, and hack his way to four or five steals a game without ever calling a foul on himself. I hate this guy because everybody knows when they foul another player, but he pretends not to. If I even touch another player when he is involved in a play I will automatically call the foul on myself. Defensive dude will always try to defend himself (pun intended) by saying that if he fouled then the offense should have called it. But if the offense does call a foul on this guy he is the first one to go through the roof, laugh hysterically, or kick the ball to the other end of the court. Calm down and call a foul when you hack the crap out of both of my arms, that’s all I ask.

RULE #5
Don’t be a hot head/red ass that wants to fight at the drop of a hat. We all just want to play basketball, get a little exercise, and go home uninjured. The red ass shows up with a chip on his shoulder and his anger meter set at DEFCON 1 (or DEFCON 5, whichever is the one where shit is about to go down no matter what). I am semi-fat, very slow, old, and fairly non-athletic, but because I am a good shooter, at some point during a game I am going to pump fake my defender into the air, take three slow motion dribbles to the basket, and finish with a lay-up, Karl Malone style, with my hand behind my head. I do this not because I think it is cool or that I am cool, but because I think the hand behind the head dunk was the lamest signature move in the history of the NBA. I do it as a mockery to the soft game of Karl Malone (now I said soft, not unsuccessful, and certainly not bad. I think Karl Malone was completely dominant and unstoppable at times and I have nothing but respect for him, except when it comes to this lame move). I do the hand behind the head lay-up because it makes me, my brother, and my friends laugh. Red ass, on the other hand, does not find this move funny in the least and will instantly try to start a fight when this move is executed against him or his squad. Once everyone calms the hot head down and explains to him that I always do that lame move as a joke, the game can go on. In my sick twisted mind I will always set a goal to accomplish the Karl Malone lay-up a second time just to see if red ass gets the joke, or if there is still intense anger burning behind his eyes.

I finish with some minor rules that don’t need any explanation:
-Offense calls fouls-no complaining no matter what.
-Nobody takes a charge in a pick-up game-stop flopping moron.
-Don’t dive for a loose ball near anyone’s knees-there’s no award for hustle here.
-Keep score by twos and threes as God intended-math is only hard for kindergarteners.
-Full court four on four is lame.
-Zone defense is for lazy bastards.

That’s all I’ve got.
-Jim